Echoes of Us (3 page)

“I’m gay, Dad. You know, I like guys. Girls need not apply and all that shit,” I sneered.

For a few minutes, no one said a word until the lightbulb in my dad’s head went on like a beacon and the entire countryside quieted. At first, I thought he was going to lunge across the table and punch me in the face, but a small touch on his shoulder from my mom stopped him. At the last second, he excused himself, slammed his fist into the doorframe, and stomped into the house swearing loudly.

My mom frowned, straightened the tablecloth, then lit into me for upsetting my dad. I had to turn my back on her and count to ten to avoid telling her to fuck off.

She didn’t let up, so I grabbed my discarded cup, jumped off the porch, and headed toward the bar to refill my glass. Unfortunately, all the bottles were empty. The only thing left was a warm beer sitting at the bottom of the washtub. I cracked it open and started to drink, but my mom ripped it out of my hand and dumped the contents on the ground.

Rage and hurt filled me. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. I hung my head, avoiding my mother’s stare until she burst into tears and started babbling about how this couldn’t be right, that I had to be mistaken, that it was just a phase.

“It’s not a phase, Mom,” I said. “I’m gay. I know what I like.”

She actually cringed and backed away from me like I was contagious. But it didn’t stop her from continuing to argue with me until Maggie stepped in between us and whispered something to my mother. The sobs stopped and she walked back to the house, leaving us standing in the middle of the yard. I thought about asking Maggie what she’d told my mom, but I didn’t really care what words she used. At least the crying had ended.

“We’re leaving,” I said in a shaky voice.

“You can’t leave,” Kelli said. “Both you and Maggie have been drinking.”

I sighed and sat down on the ground, then pulled my knees to my chest. Kelli and Maggie joined me and put their arms around my shoulders.

“I’m tired. We’ve been up since two in the morning,” Maggie said.

“Just go upstairs and sleep it off. I’ll wake you before Mom and Dad get up,” Kelli said.

“Why are you being nice?” I asked.

“Rylan, you’re my baby brother.” I looked at Kelli like she was completely insane.

“That never meant anything before.”

She hugged me tighter. “I was jealous of you. Always have been.”

“Of me? Why?” I asked.

“Because you’ve always gone after what you wanted, dressed and acted like you didn’t give a shit about what anyone thought. You’re talented and special, and you’re not afraid of anything.”

“I’m afraid of everything,” I choked.

“He is,” Maggie confirmed. “Once, I was sitting in the living room and Rylan screamed so loud I thought someone was murdering him. Even our next-door neighbor heard him. She came rushing over to our house wielding a golf club like it was a machete, and she’s eighty years old. We found Rylan perched on top of his desk shouting about a giant weasel that ran across his floor. Mrs. Morgan burst out laughing and got down on her hands and knees, talking softly to something she called Harry. A few seconds later, a cute little ferret poked his nose out from under Rylan’s bed. It was one of our neighbor’s missing pets. Mrs. Morgan picked him up and left, laughing.”

“I didn’t know it was a ferret.”

“You grew up on a farm,” Maggie fired back.

“Mom doesn’t allow any critters in the house. There’s not even spiders in the farmhouse.”

Kelli burst out laughing. “He’s right.”

The tension shattered and we all started to laugh. When I finally caught my breath, I frowned.

“I’m sorry, Kelli. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“I know,” she said quietly and patted my cheek. “And really, it shouldn’t matter who you want to be with. Go get some sleep.”

The sound of my parents arguing filled the house as we crept up the stairs to my room. Kelli promised to wake us early, which in farm language meant before the crack of dawn. She shut the door, and I buried my face in my hands, feeling the guilt wash over me. It was my mom’s birthday, and now she and Dad were arguing because I’d outed myself.

“Stop feeling guilty, Rylan,” Maggie said. She pulled the covers back on the daybed and signaled for me to get in. I wasn’t going to object to sharing a bed. She crawled in behind me and spooned with me.

It seemed like only ten minutes before Kelli was whispering in my ear, telling me it was time to get up. No matter how poorly I felt, I wasn’t going to stick around. I poked Maggie and she groaned, but she didn’t complain. We had a long drive, and I wanted to get the hell out of here without another confrontation.

“Take care, Rylan,” Kelli said. “You can call me anytime.”

“It goes both ways, Kel,” I said. I’d said things like this before, but this time I actually meant it.

Kelli smiled and hugged me. I sighed and picked up the bags, then followed behind Kelli and Maggie, who were chatting like long-lost friends.

There wasn’t any noise in the house, which was a little odd. Whenever my dad drank, he snored like a chainsaw. I kept my hopes up for a clean getaway.

The front door creaked and we all froze, staring down the hall at my parents’ bedroom door. Nothing happened, and I was able to relax a fraction when we made it out to the car. Maggie crawled into the front seat as I shoved our bags into the backseat. My spirits lifted higher when I started the car and jammed it into reverse, but it was short-lived when I spotted my mom coming out of the house.

“Shit,” I said. I considered stepping on the gas and racing out like I hadn’t seen her, but I decided against it. I put the car in park and waited. This was her show. Maybe she was just coming out to wave as we drove away. But she walked all the way out to the car and tapped on my window. I rolled it down, and she leaned in, lightly touching me on the shoulder.

“Be happy, Rylan,” she said, smiling sadly. “I really don’t understand any of this, but….” She looked away and dabbed at her eyes.

There wasn’t anything I could say to lighten the moment. It felt like a final good-bye. I was heading into my senior year of college, and it was time for me to make my own way in the world, to create a spot that was just for me. This small, gossipy town was neither what I wanted nor where I needed to be ever again. If no one could accept me for who I was, then I didn’t need to be around.

“I’m doing the best I can, and your father will come around,” she said.

Sadness surrounded her, and I had to blink several times to stop the tears. It pissed me off that my family could make me feel like an unsure little boy. I knew who I was and what I liked, but with a few words and a pointed look, they could turn me into a spineless, whimpering child who questioned his choices.

The urge to retaliate, to stick up for my choices, was intense, but I wasn’t up for another argument that would only result in more hurt feelings. My nerves were raw, and I’d probably say something terrible.

I settled on returning her sad smile. I doubted my father would ever get over finding out his son preferred the company of men. I wondered if someone would tell Lucas what went down the night before. Deep down, I was pretty sure Lucas already knew about me, but Lucas liked to live in the happy clouds. He believed if no one ever spoke the words out loud, then it couldn’t be true.

Kelli had been the big surprise. I never thought I’d find her in my corner. She had always ignored me. I figured it had something to do with me being the baby of the family and her being stuck in the middle.

“I’ll call you when we get back or something,” I mumbled. We both knew I wouldn’t place that call. She was almost to the front steps when I muttered good-bye. She looked like she’d aged a few years, and once again, I felt like it was my fault.

As I backed the car out of the driveway, I spotted my father standing next to her on the front porch, staring at me. The harshness of his glare made me feel like the car might burst into flames at any moment.

“Fuck,” I said.

A warm hand slid across my shoulder. “Not your fault, Rylan,” Maggie said.

I’d almost forgotten she was in the car.

“Sure feels like it,” I mumbled. “I’m sorry.”

“The good news is it’s out now and you don’t have to worry about it anymore,” Maggie said. She swept her hair away from her eyes and stared at me.

I snorted. “Right, no worries.”

Maggie squeezed my shoulder. “That’s not what I meant and you know it. Don’t get mad at me. If you knew they were going to freak about this, why didn’t you just lie about us. I would have gone along with anything you told them.”

“I wasn’t planning on telling them anything. I don’t see why there has to be an issue with who I want to sleep with. It’s not like I brought a guy home and fucked him on the kitchen table. I don’t even have a boyfriend.”

She snorted. “You never have a proper boyfriend, but you’re right, it shouldn’t matter who you want to fuck.” She leaned over and kissed my ear. “It’ll work out. Just be happy you live so far away and don’t have to deal with this on a daily basis.”

“Don’t think I’ll ever be welcome back there again,” I muttered. The sad thing was I didn’t really care if I ever came back. Next time would be worse. There would be stares and questions, because that was how things were in this town. You could whisper your secrets to a tree, and somehow the town would find out. By the time we got back to Chicago, the entire world would know my business.

I gnashed my teeth and gripped the steering wheel.

“Let it go, Rylan. It’s out now, and you can’t control their reactions,” Maggie said, then turned up the radio.

For Maggie to say something like that was jaw-dropping. She was always the one who wanted answers to every question. She wanted to talk things out, analyze the situation and fix things, no matter how long it took. She never let me off the hook when something big happened in my life, and this counted as a huge moment.

I always told her she should have majored in psychology and not public relations. She told me there wasn’t much difference.

Maybe this was her gift to me. She always knew when to push me or when to pull back. This was definitely a time to step back, because I was worn out. Of course, she could be waiting for us to get a few miles out of town before she nailed me with the questions. Instead of driving myself crazy, I settled on staring at the road and letting the music playing over the radio take over everything.

Music was always my refuge. It could heal anything. Music was there when everything else was going to hell and life threatened to consume me. It was there when things were good or bad or boring or a fucking roller-coaster ride. Music never judged me. It settled me and kept me grounded.

I
T
WAS
two hours into the drive before Maggie finally opened her mouth. I held my breath, waiting to be interrogated about my feelings for my family and what I was going to do next, but she started talking about our new roommate.

“So, I don’t know a lot about him except his name is Jade and he’s in his last year. I think he’s majoring in art, or was it architecture, or accounting?”

She continued to list several other majors with absolutely nothing in common with the other.

“Jeff said he’s nice and quiet, but he likes to let loose on the weekend, or nights when he doesn’t have to study. He loves music, so you guys have that in common.”

“Most people like some sort of music, so that doesn’t mean anything,” I said.

Maggie ignored my comment. “Jeff didn’t say much about his personal life at the moment, but when they lived in the dorms, he was very popular with the ladies.”

I rolled my eyes. “Maggie, I don’t care who he sleeps with. I’m taking a break from any sort of physical interaction with people.”

My comment made her giggle into her hand. “That’s the only sort of interaction you ever have with people.”

“Are you including yourself in this category?”

“You know what I mean, Rylan. You only interact physically. You never get involved emotionally.”

“Why are we having this conversation? I’m not going to talk about this right now. I don’t do relationships. Every time I try, my heart gets torn to shreds. It’s not worth it. Besides, we don’t even know the guy. The only thing I do know is I’m not getting involved with my roommate.”

She stared at me and raised her eyebrows.

“Shut up, Maggie. I’m not getting involved with my roommate.” I paused and added a dramatic “Again.”

“But what if he’s so hot you can’t help yourself?” she asked.

“No,” I said firmly. “Absolutely not. I’m not looking to get involved with anyone. It complicates everything. Maybe he likes boobs and it will be you getting involved with our roommate.”

She whacked me on the head with my notebook.

“Hey,” I shouted. “Do you want me to drive into the ditch?”

“Have you been writing?” Maggie asked as she flipped through the pages of the notebook. The pages were filled with disjointed sentences, random words, and scribbles. “I guess this means no.” She traced a few of the doodles with her finger and frowned at me.

“I haven’t had much time,” I muttered.

School had been crazy for both of us. Finals had been difficult, and then right after the semester ended we headed to Maggie’s hometown for a quick visit, followed by this disaster of a trip. It didn’t leave much time for creativity.

“You used to write some of the best depressing shit when your life was in disarray.”

I growled at her, deciding not to offer a comment. I really didn’t know what to say because it was true. I was good at writing sad shit.

“You’re getting that look,” Maggie said.

“I don’t have a look,” I said.

Her laughter filled up the small space of the car. I wanted to push her out and leave her on the side of the road for animals to ravage, but then I wouldn’t have anyone. Maggie always listened to my complaints when things were crappy. Her shoulder was always available if I needed to sob about everything that was awful. She was with me when times were good, and she was here when I felt like life was burying me alive in shit. I would have to keep her.