Embittered Ruby (42 page)

There was an executive board?

“…we’ve decided to move ahead with the expansion of Diamond Estates. Construction will begin today to turn this dilapidated outbuilding in front of you into a fortress for hurting girls.”

That pile of rubble? It would take a miracle.

“It will be a spiritual boot camp of sorts. A first stop on the way into the heart of Diamond Estates for a very select group of needs.”

Ben ran his hand through his hair. “Over the years we’ve seen the importance of the more spiritually mature girls pouring into the lives of the newer girls as sort of mentors; in fact we train them to do that.”

Like the day Tricia brought Roxy horseback riding. She must have been on assignment. Carmen glanced at Tricia and smiled.

“But we have to be sensitive to some of the more intense needs that the big house, for lack of a better term, can’t handle.”

Kira’s hand shot up in the air.

“Yes?” Ben nodded in her direction.

“What types of things can’t be handled at the main center? What kinds of problems will send girls there?” She tipped her head at the rundown structure.

“Let me explain.” Ben smiled. “One step at a time. This building behind me was once a medical facility, a dispensary, if you will. That means it’s already divided up into small rooms and has water and electricity. It has a solid foundation, and it’s basically intact. It simply needs love. That’s what our team from New Jersey has come to help with. Between all of us, we believe we can have it sparkling in two weeks.”

Carmen nudged Theresa. “Looks like we’ll all be helping.” She laughed. At one time she’d have resented Ben’s assumption. Carmen warmed at the evidence of core change within her heart. It was happening right before her eyes.

“As for the types of girls, we’re talking drug addicts, people with severe depression, suicidal girls, even girls with strong spiritual strongholds in activities like witchcraft.” Ben ticked the list off on his fingers. “Anyone who needs some time of intense spiritual, mental, or physical help before entering the mainstream Diamond Estates program.” He surveyed the crowd. “Now what do you think?”

This was a good move. Smart. Carmen lifted her hands and began to clap. Several joined in. Others followed. Carmen raised her hand. “But who will run that part of things?”

“Good thinking, Carmen. It will clearly need to have its own staff and an even smaller staff-to-teen ratio. The director of the Diamond Intensive Program will be Mark Stapleton, and the medical manager will be his wife, Ginny, who is a now a nurse practitioner. She will oversee the medical needs of the entire campus.”

He paused and grinned. “And I have one more announcement that makes me especially grateful. My lovely wife”—he held up Alicia’s hand—”will be joining us full-time here. We tried to go with only myself and two other counselors after Patty left us last year. But it’s just not enough, especially with all the changes coming.”

Donna and Tammy clapped. Everyone laughed.

Ben grinned and pulled his wife close. “So, Alicia is leaving her job at the hospital as of next week and will come on as a counselor/nurse. She’ll be the Donna-Tammy to the Intensive center and available for any medical needs that arise.”

Alicia beamed. “My heart has been here with you girls all this time. I’m so grateful to God that He’s blessed us and this ministry enough for me to be able to leave my outside job and come here to serve beside my husband and love you all.”

The group broke into applause. It would be so great to have Alicia around all the time.

“Any other questions?” Ben gazed around the group.

Carmen shrugged. “Where’s a shovel?”

H
ey, Nater.” Carmen sat on the floor outside Ben’s office. She leaned on the wall and closed her eyes. “Hey, C. It’s so good to hear your voice. How are you calling me, though? You didn’t run away again, did you?”

Carmen almost forgot to listen to the words as she reveled in the sound of Nate’s familiar voice. Therein lay the problem. Too familiar. “No. I didn’t leave. Things here are going really well.” “That’s great. I wish I were there.” So did Carmen.

“But how are you calling me?” Nate’s pep transformed into doubt.

“I got special permission to make this one call. So we could talk.” Carmen waited for Nate to realize the reason. He was too smart not to.

“I see.” Silence. “They wouldn’t give out privileges for no reason. There would have to be a point to the call other than catching up. So what’s up?”

Like walking into the dentist’s office, knowing there would be drilling that day. Submitting to pain for the greater good. How could Carmen take that first step? How could she hurt Nate and in the process hurt herself when all she’d like to do is curl up in his arms and fall asleep?

“Nater…I think you know why I’m calling.”
Please say you

do. Please don’t make me say the words
.

“You’re not coming back?” Fear laced his words.

Why did he love her so much—even after all she did to him? “I don’t know about geographically, but I’m not coming back emotionally.” There. It was finished.

“Why? Don’t you love me anymore?” Nate croaked. “I don’t understand. After I forgave you and waited for you for so long…I supported you.”

“The fact that you’re going to get hurt in the process of my growth and healing stings me to the core, but I can’t go back. I just can’t.”

“We won’t go back. We’ll just move forward.”

If only it were that easy. “Being with you is going back. I can’t live my life trapped under the memories of my actions. It will darken our path forever.”

“So you’re telling me you messed up, and even though I’m willing to forgive and let go, you’re going to hold
your
actions against
me
and punish me for them? That makes absolutely no sense.”

“It’s not quite like that. But it’s time for me to make wise choices for my life. You’ll thank me someday. You need a fresh start with someone who will put you first from the very beginning.”
Please say you understand. Please don’t hate me
.

“I guess I get it. I don’t like it though.”

“I have to go now.” Carmen choked back a sob. “I’ll always love you, Nater.”

The music swelled and brought Carmen’s spirit with it. Justin leading and the worship team providing perfect harmonies, the musicians pounding out their parts, and the youth congregation on their feet praising their God.

She got it. Carmen felt the same pull to worship that she mocked in others before. It rose up from within her in response to what she’d been given. She couldn’t stay in her seat and observe for anything. Compelled to stand, Carmen reveled in the music and responded as her body guided. Slowly her hands lifted in praise to her Creator, and her heart joined in.

Someone slipped in the empty seat next to her, but Carmen was too enraptured to look. Eventually the music quieted as Justin led the group in prayer. He prayed for unity, justice, mercy, and grace. Beautiful words—but they’d become more than just words; they were gifts.

As the prayer ended and they were directed to take their seats, Carmen stole a quick peek at the seat beside her.

Billy.

She gasped and threw her arms around his neck for a quick hug. Oops. She wasn’t supposed to do that. She pulled back and settled into her seat. “I’m so glad you’re here. What’s going on?” she whispered. He looked so cute in regular jeans and a polo shirt. None of that goofy stuff he’d been wearing lately.

“You went back, so I went back.” Billy lifted his chin.

“I’m so glad.” Carmen sighed. “You’re back at your parents’?”

He nodded. “For a little over a week.”

“How about Sam?”

He shook his head. “Not yet.”

“Kansas?”

“No.”

“I’ll be praying for them.” For once, Carmen meant it.

She sat back and enjoyed Billy’s nearness through the message. Such a good friend…if only…The service ended way too soon, and the pastor was calling them to stand for prayer. Couldn’t they do one more song or have some more preaching just so she could sit next to him longer? It felt too much like good-bye.

“…Amen.” The youth pastor looked up and smiled. “Have a wonderful week. Love each other. You’re dismissed.”

Carmen stood. Billy grabbed her hand and pulled her back down.

“Is everything okay?” Where was Donna or Tammy? Carmen didn’t want to get in trouble. After all, Billy was the one she ran away with. They might not like her talking to him.

“I know you have to go. I just need to know. Are you back with that one guy, or is there a chance of something between us?”

How did she answer that? She didn’t want to hurt him. She simply didn’t know. Carmen opened her mouth.

Billy held up a hand. “Wait. So you know, that’s not why I’m back here—not at all. But it sure is on my mind a lot. I get the feeling that you don’t feel quite the same way, though.”

“I’m not back with Nate, and I do love you so much, Billy—as a friend and a brother.” Carmen smiled. “I could easily have seen something happening between us under different circumstances or maybe even in the future. But right now I have a date with God—I need some time alone in my life so He can teach me stuff. You know?”
Please understand
.

Billy cocked his head to one side. “You know, that’s the best let-him-down-easy approach I’ve ever heard.” He laughed. “Seriously, though, I can’t argue with that. And if, someday, God wants us to be together, I’ll be a very lucky man because you took this time alone.”

K
nock, knock.” Carmen chuckled. “Come on in.” Donna looked up from her desk and smiled. “Have a seat. You’ve been a busy girl these past couple of weeks. In one word, tell me, how do you feel?”

“Hmm.” Carmen gazed out the window at the pasture, where the horses were nibbling at the grass poking up through the snow. One word? Forgiven. Peaceful. Blessed. “I know.” Carmen inhaled deeply and closed her eyes. “I feel free.” “Ah. Freedom. Free from guilt?” “Yes, but more than that.” “Free from shame?”

“Well, I’m working on that one. Might take awhile.”

Donna smiled. “Fair enough. Free from what then?” “Mostly I feel free
from
myself and free to
be
myself.”

“That’s a very good way to put it. I’m writing that down.” Donna scrawled on a notepad. “I think you’re in a good place. Do you have any concerns?”

This was one of those moments when, in the past, she’d have told Donna exactly what she wanted to hear. “I don’t want to fake it anymore. I want to be authentic. So I’ll be honest about this.” Carmen sighed. “I’m terrified.”

Donna nodded. “About what exactly?”

“I’m so afraid none of these changes will last when it comes time for me to go home and reenter real life.”

“That’s a very common fear at this stage of your walk, and there are two things I want to say to that. Number one, we won’t send you off from here until you feel ready, until you’re equipped to stand strong and maintain your commitment to Christ. But more importantly, you need to know that you aren’t strong enough, and you never will be.”

Well that was a lovely thought. How could she say that? “Um. I don’t feel very encouraged.”

“No. Look here. You’ll see what I mean.” Donna opened her Bible. “Second Corinthians twelve tells us that it’s only when we are weakest we see the fullness of His strength. Those weak moments in our lives are when He can rise up and show Himself strong and faithful to us.”