Embittered Ruby (38 page)

The shower turned off as if on cue.

“What do you have?”

“You’ll have to wait and see.” She nudged her head toward the bathroom door.

Kansas went into her bedroom and rummaged through her drawer. Carmen could hear her muttering to herself.

What could it be? It had to be hard drugs, or she wouldn’t mind showing Billy. He drew the line at marijuana, huh? Carmen thought she had, too. But things change as life changed. She needed an escape, and if Kansas had it, Carmen would take it.

“Bye, girls. I’m going to work. See you about eleven.” Billy went through the door in his blue factory shirt and gray pants.

“Bye.” Carmen sat up. If she knew Kansas like she thought she did, that girl would be out there in a flash.

Right on cue, Kansas bustled into the room, crossed her legs on the couch and pulled the coffee table close to her knees. She set down a mirror and took out a packet of white powder. “Up for some of the real stuff?”

“What will it do to me? I don’t want to lose control or hallucinate. That totally freaks me out.”

“Oh, snorting coke doesn’t cause that. You’ll feel like you’re on top of the world. You’ll be invincible, successful, awesome. You’ll forget about any negativity, and everything will be great.”

“That’s what I’m talking about. Let’s do it.”

Carmen stuck her head into Billy’s room where he slept. “Mind if I use your computer for a sec?” It had been almost two months since she’d checked e-mail. The day she’d gotten on the plane for Diamond Estates. She’d been tempted to ask Billy for access since she arrived at his apartment two weeks ago, but it felt like too big an intrusion. She couldn’t hold back anymore, though. Besides, they were getting closer. He wouldn’t mind.

“Sure. Help yourself.” Billy rolled over and pulled his covers with him.

She logged in to her e-mail account. One hundred eleven unread messages? Start with the most important. Nate. Nope. The search revealed not a single message from him. Then again, he’d known she wouldn’t be able to e-mail from Diamond Estates, so maybe she shouldn’t read too much into that. Oh, who was she kidding? Nate was through with her. Rightfully so.

How about Diego? He’d be another one disappointed in her. Especially about the drugs. She really needed to stop doing that. It seemed like Kansas was up for anything all the time, and each time it went further. Carmen would stick to some beer and maybe a little weed now and then. But the coke—that had to go.

She did a search for Diego’s name. Nothing from him, but Theresa’s name popped up. Hopefully with information about Diego.

Cool. Almost like a real friend. Carmen should have let a relationship develop there. Theresa might have helped her figure things out without all the Diego drama. Now it was too late to be friends. Or was it? Two problems, though. Carmen was no longer at Diamond Estates—at least not at the moment. And she had no intention of moving home to New Jersey. Now or ever. Maybe. Okay, so her choices weren’t set in stone. Never really known for decisiveness, that was for sure.

She could at least return the e-mail and then see what developed.

Should Carmen tell her she’d left the program? No, anything could change between now and then. No sense upsetting her.

“Okay. There’s only so much a man can take.” Billy barged into his bedroom.

“What?” Carmen sat up. “You said I could nap on your bed. Did I sleep too long?”

“No, silly. I’m talking about that pot on the stove. What is in there, and when can I eat it?”

“That’s what this is about?” Carmen threw a pillow at Billy.

“Well, you’re going to share, aren’t you?”

“Of course I will. It’s almost done.”

“That pot’s been simmering for two days. What’s in it?”

Carmen wiggled her eyebrows. “You’re in for a pot of the greatest award-winning chili known to man.”

“Mmm. I’m such a chili fan. I’ve been waiting to taste some of that awesome cooking I’ve been hearing about.”

Speaking of the chili, it was time to stir. “Come on.” Carmen led the way to the kitchen. She backed up to the counter and hopped up onto it, her piggy slippers dangling. She took the lid off the stockpot and stirred the simmering brew, breathing in the heady aroma of chili powder, cinnamon, cloves, and red pepper. To die for.

Carmen blew on a spoonful. “Here. Taste.”

Billy leaned forward and slurped the chili from the spoon. He closed his eyes and rolled his tongue around his mouth. “I think that’s the best chili I’ve ever tasted. It’s amazing.”

“Thanks.” She ladled a big scoop into a bowl, dumped oyster crackers on top, sprinkled some shredded cheese, and added a dollop of sour cream. “Now that is a bowl of chili.” She handed it to Billy and then made one for herself.

Billy sat at the dinette with his untouched food.

“Go ahead. Eat.”

“This will sound weird, but I can’t eat without praying. Do you mind?” He took her hand and began to pray. “Heavenly Father…”

Carmen guessed she didn’t mind, but how strange. Billy sure didn’t seem to be living like someone who prayed over every meal.

U
h…Carmen? You have a visitor.” Billy spoke through the bathroom door.

Carmen squeezed water from her hair. “Who is it?” It had better not be Ben. He couldn’t do a thing to force her back to Diamond Estates, but she really didn’t want to talk to him face-to-face. He’d be all spiritual, and that’s the last thing she needed. She was confused enough as it was.

“I think you just need to come out here.” Billy’s voice sounded broken. Hesitant.

Was he pulling some kind of prank? “Should I come out naked, or can I have a minute?”

“No. I suggest you put on some clothes.” Great. Just what she needed. A job interview in two hours and now this. Who could it be, and why was Billy being so weird about it?

Carmen pulled on a clean pair of yoga pants and a tank top. The interview clothes could wait. She twisted her hair back into a clip, willing it to dry wavy and flowy. A swipe of deodorant under each arm and a mist of perfume. Carmen was ready to face her mysterious visitor.

She opened the bathroom door and stepped into the family room when her heartbeat came to a crashing halt.

Nate.

He stood at the front door with his hands in his jeans pockets. Looking down at the floor.

Billy sat on the couch and stared at him.

Why didn’t Billy invite Nate in? Why was Nate there? He must’ve come to get back together. There’d be no other reason to make such a long trip.

Nate’s eyes rose and locked with Carmen’s. The corners turned down, and the lids were heavy. Why was he so sad?

Billy cleared his throat.

Oh no. Nate must think…Billy? What should she deal with first? “Nate. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? I’d have been so excited.”

“Tell you? So you could hide your
friend
?”

“Billy’s not that kind of friend. Nothing has ever happened between us. Trust me.”

“Trust you? That’s a pretty tall order.”

Carmen had that coming to her.

“Well, I guess I’ll leave you two lovebirds to your catching up. I’ll be in my room if you need me.” Billy slunk away and closed his door softly.

Poor Billy. It was clear he had feelings for her. She might have entertained the idea if circumstances had been different. As things stood though, she had to figure out what was happening with Nate and even with Justin before she could move on with someone else.

How to start this conversation? She had no idea what Nate was there to say. Why didn’t he just get it over with so they could go from there?

Nate leaned back against the walk beside the front door and stared at Carmen’s face. His steely eyes gave away nothing.

If he wasn’t going to speak, she’d start with small talk. “How did you know where I was?”

“Reverse phone lookup. Got the address from there. Took a chance.” Nate shrugged like he did that sort of detective work every day.

“If you’d have asked, I’d have given you the address. But I’m super glad you’re here. Will you come in and sit on the couch with me?” Carmen perched on the edge and patted the worn fabric beside her.

Nate sat down but kept his jacket on. He looked like a squirrel, ready to bolt at the slightest wrong move.

“Talk to me. What have you come to say?” He certainly hadn’t come all that way for nothing. Unless he was like her and had no idea what he wanted. Was his soul as empty as hers?

“I miss you. I love you. I feel like we’re soul mates…”

Carmen’s heart soared.

“…but—”

“But what? What else matters than that?” That word erased everything that came before it.
Take it back
.

“But I can’t get back together with the old you. I just can’t. I was hoping a new, improved, mature, confident version of you would return home after awhile apart, and we’d get back together and live happily ever after.” Nate took her hand.

“That can still happen.”
Please say it can
.

“We’ve been through a lot. I don’t want to start over with someone else. A stranger. Someone who doesn’t know me for who I am.”

Carmen nodded.

“I was willing to wait for you when you left for Diamond Estates. I still am. But only if I think there’s hope. When I heard you’d run away and quit the program—” Nate’s voice caught.

Leave it to Carmen. She’d blown it again. When would she learn? Would she ever take the hard road and do something right? “I know. I’ve sort of been regretting that decision now and then. I sort of wish I’d given it more time. I’ll go back. If what you say is true…if you really mean it, I’ll go back.”

“No. I mean what I said, but that won’t work. I don’t want you to go back there for me—just to get me back. It’s not real then.” Nate let go of her hand. “And it won’t last.”

But she meant it. It wasn’t just for him. But now he’d never believe that. Like apologizing for someone after getting caught—it didn’t feel genuine. “I’m serious. I’ve regretted my choice and have considered calling them to come get me. I’ve been thinking about it, even before you came. Please believe me. It’s different this time.”