Embittered Ruby (35 page)

“Faith.” Ben leaned forward, elbows on his desk. “Discovering it and putting it to use are two of the most difficult aspects of a relationship with God. It’s like a roadblock. You have to decide if you’re going to plow through it to keep going on your journey or if you’re going to let it force you to turn around and go back.”

Donna took Carmen’s hand. “You have to decide.”

“How long do I have?” Were they going to kick her out?

Ben’s eyebrows narrowed. “What do you mean?”

“You’re asking if you’re going to get sent home if you can’t get this figured out?” Donna shook her head. “No. No. That’s not how it works. You could get kicked out for behavior, but not for matters of the heart, faith issues. That’s between you and God—it’s His timing. We can’t legislate the Holy Spirit by a set of rules.”

That made perfect sense. Carmen gazed out the window beside Ben’s desk. “Okay. Just give me some time then. I’ll try to get it together.”

“Great.” Ben leaned forward. “Now let’s pray.”

Oh goody
.

“Hey, Mom. It’s me.” Carmen plopped on the sofa in the phone room for her weekly call home. Carmen wanted out of there, and the only way was to get through to Mom.

“Carmen! It’s great to hear your voice. I’m so glad you caught me. I was about to go out for a Mary Kay meeting.”

Shocker. “How’s business going?”

“You’re never going to believe it. I’m getting the car. I earned a car from Mary Kay. I get the award tonight.”

Carmen pulled herself up. “Seriously? Mom, that’s awesome. You must be working really hard.”

“Yeah. I am. I’ll have to keep working just as hard now, if not harder, because I’ll have to qualify with my business every month in order to keep the car. But I can do it.”

“I know you can. I’m really proud of you.” Carmen eye’s stung as she fought back tears. She never cried, but that was twice in two days. What was the deal?

“Mom? Do you think I can come home?”

“You mean for a visit?” Her voice sounded guarded.

“I mean I want to move home.”

“No.”

“What do you mean no?” Seriously?

“I mean, all the reasons why you’re there still exist. Nothing has changed except for a very little bit of time. You haven’t even been there a full six weeks.”

Carmen’s own mother wasn’t going to let her come home. “What if this place burned down? Then what would you say?”

“I don’t want to have one of these ridiculous conversations.

If it burns down, give me a call, and we’ll talk.” Mom sighed. “Look, you’re my daughter, and I love you very much. I miss you more than you could know—so do your sisters. But I love you too much to let you quit.”

That sounded rehearsed. Someone had been coaching her. Would Mom tell Ben that Carmen had tried to leave Diamond Estates? Did Carmen even care at this point?

“There are tons of people praying for you, Carmen. Just let go.”

Whatever. “I have to go.” Thanks for nothing.

Carmen hung up the phone and spun from the room. She stormed into the hallway and crashed into Ben. Had he been listening in? How rude. “I suppose you heard all of that?” Was nothing sacred? Not even phone calls home? She crossed her arms on her chest and waited.

“So you want to go home?” Ben smiled.

Carmen shrugged. “Wouldn’t you?”

“It’s a good sign, you know.”

What was he talking about? The man so rarely made sense. “What do you mean?”

“I mean this usually comes right before a breakthrough. Those feelings of wanting to give up and go back to where it was easier, where you were in control, they’re natural. You only have to be strong in the face of them and not give in. You’ll see the reward when you move past the struggle.”

What did he know about her struggle?

“That’s it. I’m so done.” Carmen pulled her pillow over her face.

Kira pried the corner of the pillow up and looked at Carmen. “Hey. What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“I can’t do it. I just can’t do this anymore. These people are crazy.” Sobs wracked Carmen’s body, and her throat constricted. She needed air.

“Who’s crazy, honey? What’s going on?” Kira stroked the hair away from Carmen’s eyes.

The tears kept coming. Carmen hated crying. How weak and childish. If only she could get ahold of herself. Yet the weeping continued.

“It’s going to be okay.”

“Okay? You can’t be serious,” Carmen wailed as she raised herself up on her elbows. “You’ve heard the rumors around here, I’m sure. You know what I’ve done. How I’ve hurt everyone close to me. I’ll never get over what I’ve done. Never.” She gulped.

“I tricked my boyfriend and got pregnant, convinced him to marry me, then lost the baby. And it’s not like that kind of deception has stopped since I got here. I’m right in the thick of it again. And this stupid farce of prayer time and church…I’m such a hypocrite.” But she couldn’t see any other way. She’d never be what these people wanted her to be. And she’d never come to terms with who she really was.

Kira nodded. “Yes. I’ve heard the stories. I know your past. At least some of it. So what?”

“How can you say ‘so what’?”

“Because I did it, too.”

Carmen’s breath caught in her throat. “What do you mean?”

“When I first got here, I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t want to have a baby by myself, so I decided to try to pin it on Justin.” Kira whipped her head from side to side as if disgusted with the memory. “I went after him hard. He was around a lot in those days—not so much now that Olivia is keeping him busy.”

Kira was being serious? Justin? She obviously hadn’t been successful, but what if he’d fallen for it? What if he’d actually gotten trapped in that kind of deception for the rest of his life?

Like Nate almost did.

“Anyway, I tried to seduce Justin so I could blame him for the pregnancy. If he would have had sex with me, he’d never have questioned the legitimacy of the pregnancy. But he wouldn’t have any part of it. He shot me down every time. And believe me, I gave it all I had.” Kira shook her head. “I have to admit, that was painful. I don’t think I’d ever been rejected before.”

She probably hadn’t been. That little gymnastics body, long blond hair, cute little face. Carmen shuddered at the thought of what could have happened. “Then what?”

“Then I lost the baby.” Kira shook her head. “Some people said that was divine providence. But it was such a mess. I never thought I’d get over it.”

Whoa. That even rivaled Carmen’s situation in nastiness because Justin had been a stranger to Kira. At least Carmen and Nate had been in love. For whatever that was worth. “Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because you’re at a crossroads. You’re reaching a tipping point where you’ll fall to one side or the other. You mentioned it all being a farce, that you’re a hypocrite, that these people are crazy.” Kira offered a soft smile. “I felt the same way. I hated myself for what I’d done, but I put my failures off on everyone else. As if I raised myself above them in some way, then I didn’t have to answer to them. If I could pretend that God had no interest in me, you know, wasn’t trying to get ahold of me, I wouldn’t have to face my past and make changes.”

Wow. It was like she could read Carmen’s mind. Did Carmen’s thoughts really go that far though? Kira’s story seemed a little extreme.

“Sound familiar?” Carmen shrugged. “I mean, yeah. Some of it. I don’t know.”

“Okay. I’m not going to push. I know when people pushed me, I shut down. Just think about it, okay?”

They had way more in common than Carmen had ever imagined. She nodded.

Kira winked. “Maybe pray about things if you’re feeling adventurous.”

If she heard the word
pray
one more time, she would have to punch someone. Maybe it would be Kira.

Carmen jolted when she heard voices at the door. So far no one even knew Nellie existed, and Carmen would much prefer to keep it that way. She jumped from the bunk and shoved the notebook deep under her mattress just seconds before the door opened.

“Marilyn, can I please have a glass of milk?” Maybe that would settle her stomach.

“Sure, doll. You okay?”

Carmen nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine, I guess. Just having one of those days.”

Marilyn handed her a tall glass. “You okay if I go? I was headed to my room just before you came in.”

“Of course. I think I’d rather be alone anyway. Thanks for the milk.” Carmen licked off her milk moustache. The door opened behind her as Marilyn left the kitchen.

“Ahem.”

Carmen squealed and knocked her milk into the sink. She twirled around to face the intruder. She gasped. Justin.

Judging by his reddened ears and the deep lines around his eyes, Justin hadn’t come to find her for a friendly visit. Uh-oh. Act natural. “Hey, Justin. What’s up?”