Embrace Me At Dawn (17 page)

But now…she hesitated. Would telling her friends her secret help them end Morganna, so they could ultimately turn their focus on Mathias again? She wanted that bastard gone so badly, would give
anything
to see the scum who’d torn apart her life defeated and dead. She’d risk exposing herself, seeing horror and pity on the faces of all she’d called friends for centuries. She’d even risk being ostracized for the rest of her life. But if she spoke now, Lucan would forever know that she was as inferior as she felt. He’d never touch her again. And maybe that was better for him.

No. That was definitely better for him.

Anka opened her mouth. Then she closed it. After keeping a secret like this from Lucan for over a century, if she revealed it now, he would feel completely betrayed. The thought of hurting him more stabbed her like a physical ache. And ultimately, revealing her tainted bloodline could do nothing to help them retrieve Morganna’s potion simply because, while banshee blood ran through her veins, she wasn’t a second washerwoman. She wasn’t a mother. Not that she and Lucan hadn’t tried in all their years together to conceive. It hurt to, once again, be useless.

“
Do you have something to add, Anka?” Bram asked from across the room.

“
No.” She avoided looking at anyone.

Unless she could be helpful to the cause, this shame was hers—and hers alone—to bear.

From the corner of her eye, she saw Lucan. He watched her with a slight frown wrinkling his brow, as if trying to figure her out. He wanted inside her head. She didn’t dare let him. Later, she’d worry about how much she’d inadvertently revealed today or why he’d changed from the tender mate she’d known to the delicious alpha male who’d made her knees go weak with nothing more than a firm tone. He hadn’t mentioned her bruises again, but she’d wondered what he must be thinking. Was he revolted…or curious? Did he want to try
that
with her?

The thought rattled her. She could take the pain from Shock. It released her anguish, scrubbed her soul raw and clean so she could go on, less burdened by the past. But it didn’t touch her heart. Lucan taking control of her, pulling her hair in his fist as he plunged inside her with one merciless thrust after another, murmuring in her ear how much he wanted her… The fantasy alone completely undid her.

She could never let him that close again.

“
Are we truly sure Mathias is the last of Nimue’s line?” Ice asked, slanting a dubious glance at Tabitha. “Maybe your father got it wrong. Wasn’t Mathias a Chillingham?”

“
On his father’s side, yes,” the pregnant redhead said. “On his mother’s side, the origins were shrouded in mystery. My father made notes that her magical signature was unlike any he’d ever seen. But being one of Nimue’s descendants would do that
and
explain all the power he wields. It’s not simple magic.”

“
Indeed,” Bram cut in. “The only more accomplished witch of Arthur’s time was Morganna.”

Ice shook his head. “Then I want to know why the barmy fuck thinks he’s more powerful than Morganna herself. Why would he resurrect her, assuming he could bring her to heel?”

“
Male ego?” Sabelle smirked beside him.

Ice whispered something in her ear that made her blush. Anka looked away, unable to watch the blatant show of affection. The envy stinging her brought on a terrible, guilty pain.

Lucan’s gaze cornered her again, sharp with awareness. She raised her chin and a challenging brow before directing her attention to Bram and the matter at hand. “I’m against this idea. Are you actually suggesting that we make an alliance with Mathias? We don’t have a banshee, and he’ll only use us.”

“
Just as we’ll use him,” Bram quipped. “She must have done or planned something beyond frightening to force Mathias to seek us out.”

“
Or he’s hoping we’ll all get ourselves killed trying to stop her.” Anka frowned.

“
And he might not be wrong,” Bram conceded. “By all accounts, she is one dangerous bitch.”

“
Aye,” Marrok cut in. “’Tis far more than the marks of her fingernails she leaves on a man’s back. An expert in baiting traps, she is. No man will easily outsmart her, and mayhap not at all. Each of us should be ever wary.”

“
Indeed,” Bram seconded. “This might be a trap, as you point out. But our resident Yank, Olivia, has a quaint saying. What is that?”

The violet-eyed beauty smiled. “You have to play the hand you’ve been dealt.”

“
Precisely. This is our hand. Sadly, Mathias seems to be dealing the cards, but nevertheless, we will play. Send Shock a text, Anka, will you?” Bram asked, strolling closer.

She sighed, grateful for something else to focus on. As soon as she had, she received an immediate reply. “He said he’d be here to discuss Mathias’s proposition. But you know Shock. With him, that could be two minutes or two days.”

It wasn’t as if Shock ever answered to anyone. Not Bram. Not even Mathias. Certainly not the woman he lived with and slaked his lust on, fooling himself all the while that he loved her. She knew better. Someday, he would, too.

Lucan’s eyes narrowed, and he opened his mouth. Before he could get a word out, Shock’s audible calling card rang out. Bram charged toward the door.

“
Stay here,” Lucan demanded before leaving, hot on Bram’s heels.

Anka had to reach Shock first, make sure he gave away no hint of her secret. She bounded up and followed the wizards.

Lucan turned on her as they raced to the door. “Bloody hell, woman. Don’t you listen?”

“
Shock isn’t going to hurt me.”

He snarled, his blue eyes flat and hard. “Bollocks! If you give him enough time, he will.”

“
He’s had plenty of time. He’s kept me alive and protected me.”
He’s kept my secret for nearly two hundred years, just as I’ve kept his
.

“
The things I haven’t done. Right, then.” With a curse, he turned his back on her, his long-legged strides carrying him to the door.

“
That wasn’t meant to be a commentary about you,” she argued softly.

“
But that’s what I know to be true.”

“
Don’t act as if it matters anymore,” she called after him. “Let’s forget it and stop hurting one another, shall we?”

“
Enough!” Bram snapped. “Stop bickering and focus. Or isn’t Morganna being on the loose, exposing magickind to potential slaughter from the humans, while we have to make nice with Mathias because of it real enough for you?”

Guilt stung Anka. “Sorry.”

Lucan looked away, closed-mouthed and closed off.

Bram flung the door open to see Shock leaning against the portal. He visually bypassed Bram, gave Lucan the universal glare for “fuck you,” then fastened his gaze on Anka.

“
You need something?”

A part of her wondered if he’d really come simply because she’d said she needed him. In the past, he might just as often have flipped her the bird and disappeared back into a bottle. She winced. She couldn’t take the thought back. He’d already read it.

Thunder crossed his face. “Don’t fucking think that. I’ve been here for you in all the ways that count.”

Anka couldn’t argue with that, so she just nodded and silently pleaded with him not to breathe a word about the banshee in the room. “We need to talk to you.”

He gave her a slight nod. “We?”

“
You know I’ve thrown my lot in with the Doomsday Brethren.”

“
You’re bloody serious?” Shock pushed his way past Bram and entered the house.

“
Come in, then. Don’t wait for me to invite you,” Bram snarked. “We’re willing to negotiate with Mathias about ending Morganna.”

No emotion crossed Shock’s face. “I’ll get word to him.”

“
Of course you will,” Lucan sneered.

Even behind the sunglasses, Anka knew Shock’s eyes narrowed. She felt the anger radiating from him. Lucan wasn’t any less seething. The need for violence shimmered off of him. She turned, frowned, wondering what had gotten into him. Could he be…jealous? Did he still care? She didn’t want to hope so. Hope hurt too much when reality crushed it. But the truth was, she was jealous of Sabelle and every other woman Lucan had touched. Maybe—

Very aware of Shock’s growl and his charge toward her, she broke off the thought and tiptoed back.

Lucan stepped between them, as if he meant to buffer her from Shock’s anger. “She is a grown witch who can make her own decisions.”

“
I can also speak for myself.” She gently pushed Lucan aside. “I’m sorry, Shock.” And she was. He’d done so much for her, yet she repaid him by pining for her former mate every single day. “Yes, I’m serious. For my sanity, I need to be a part of sending Mathias to hell, of stripping him of his sense of power and personal safety the way he stripped me of mine.”

Shock stared at her for an uncomfortable minute, probing, penetrating her thoughts. She winced as he intruded. He wasn’t subtle or careful, and it hurt more than a little. But she allowed it. She allowed him to know that she wasn’t here, intending to dangle herself in front of Lucan with the hope that he would take her back. She gave him the peace of mind of knowing that, no matter how badly she wished otherwise, she intended to be nothing more to her former mate than a trainee.

Finally, Shock turned to Lucan, brows narrowing into a vee as he thrust his way into Lucan’s face. “Hell, no. This bleeding arsehole isn’t training you. He isn’t touching you. I know exactly what he’s thinking. What the fuck could he teach you except to neglect your responsibilities and turn rabid when danger strikes?”

Fury rumbled across Lucan’s face. “You know nothing about mate mourning or the lengths I would go to in order to see Anka protected. So fuck off. You manage to be conveniently absent whenever there’s a battle. What do you think you can do for Anka? Ignore her for a bottle of scotch, then beat her arse blue for the hell of it? You’ve kept her in that ramshackle place you call home. It’s falling down around your ears, and have you taken proper care of her? Do you know that she’s allergic to shellfish and coconut? Do you care that she prefers a very particular brand of silk knickers? Did you bother to find out that she likes to be held when she’s sleeping and that she’ll have nightmares and wake crying, needing to feel that you care?”

Anka closed her eyes. With every word, Lucan was reminding her of so many of the reasons she’d loved him. Yes, she had given herself to him—heart, body, soul, and free will—but he’d given her so very much in return, particularly the kind of understanding she wasn’t certain she could ever find with another man. But that yearning made her weak. She could no longer afford the deepest wishes of her heart, not with Mathias still on the loose.

“
Oh, boo hoo,” Shock spat. “Anka doesn’t need that anymore.”

Lucan turned a glare full of burning anger on her. “Is that really true? Have Mathias and Shock really gutted your heart so much that you no longer seek the love and reassurance you once craved? Or do you simply keep telling yourself that’s the case?”

“
I don’t need any of that anymore.”
And I can’t afford to need you
. The words sat on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t make herself say them. They burned every inch of her flesh, all the way to the deepest part of her soul. “I was a stupid, fragile princess who knew nothing about protecting myself. Mathias taught me that in the most vicious way possible.”

Lucan looked like he wanted to argue, but Bram cut in. “We are here to discuss Mathias and negotiate an agreement under which we will all hunt Morganna jointly. Anything else now is petty and pointless. I won’t have you wasting my time whilst you two squabble like children. Are we going to save magickind or not?”