Embraced by Fire (28 page)

The joy he’d experienced in Kait’s arms warred with the knowledge his freedom was forfeit. Freedom to choose another partner, gone. Heck, he’d be lucky if he could even get it up for another woman. Freedom to live the life he’d chosen for himself. Freedom to live, literally. If she rejected him, his life essence would slowly dwindle, and he would die.

His chest muscles went rigid and he struggled to breath. His breaths coming sharp and shallow. Grabbing the side of the basin, he lowered himself to sit on the closed lid of the commode. He bent his head, pressing his forehead against clenched fists. What had he done, to Kait and to himself?

After a few moments, he slowly lifted his head. His elbows still rested on his knees but his hands dropped to lie listlessly. Why, oh why, hadn’t he remembered to ask if she’d ever been with a man? He always asked, always.

But he hadn’t. Lost in their shared passion he’d forgotten. He’d been more worried about taking advantage of her fragile emotional state than with her previous experiences. After she switched from seduced to seducer any hope of control had been lost. Love and lust so tied together that for those moments she was his whole world.

She’d changed the rules of the game, this was all her fault. His hands spasmed into fists. Damn her. He’d said they should wait, but she’d been determined to make love. Why couldn’t she have waited?

If she’d waited, he would’ve had time to gather his thoughts. This would never have happened. Never.

He would have asked. She’d caught him in this mess, and she didn’t even love him. He squeezed his eyes closed. How could she? She didn’t know all of him.

Anger, shock and frustration boiled inside him. He wanted to howl.

He opened his eyes and forced his fists to relaxed. He stared at his skin. Human. For now the dragon lay quiescent inside him. But he wasn’t human, he was a shifter. She didn’t know his secrets. She didn’t know the things he’d done. His teeth clenched.

He needed to get a grip. This wasn’t about assigning blame. Despite his rant earlier, it certainly wasn’t the fault of the wonderful woman in the other room.

This was about the way he felt about himself and the things he’d done in the past. He remembered the relief he’d felt when he realised Adrian knew and didn’t judge him. The trouble was, he judged himself. He felt dirty inside.

A drop of liquid plopped onto his hand. He stared at it perplexed, then raised his finger to his face. Another wet trickle ran down his cheek. Tears. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried, didn’t know he still could.

He wiped his knuckles under his eyes. Kait had reason to cry tonight, he did not. He needed to pull himself together. He hated that he was sitting here alone. He should be in there with her, revelling in the afterglow. He needed to pull himself together or she was going to start wondering what was taking him so long. A smile flickered unexpectedly across his lips as he remembered how good it felt to be in her arms. When he was with her…

When he was with her, his mind was filled by nothing but his passion for her. Neil’s voice was absent. The magic between them unsullied by Neil’s manipulations and insinuations. In a shabby motel room, bodies twined together, there was only Kait and Ryu and their mutual passion.

He hadn’t thought about his past, only the present. Only her.

It’d been years since he worked on Neil’s team. Since then he’d rejected missions that would have made him hate himself. He’d changed. He knew his own worth, the value of his skills. He should be proud of the man he’d become, not be whimpering in the bathroom alone because of the youth he once was. He’d never move forward if he was forever looking back.

Standing up he ran the tap and rinsed his face in cold water again. This time when he stared at the face in the mirror it was calm. He knew what he needed to do.

He had to tell her he was a shifter. He had to tell her how he felt. But first, he needed to understand why she’d done it. Why she had chosen him. So many possible reasons for her actions filled his mind. Some of them wonderful, some so unpleasant they made his stomach churn. He needed the truth.

Taking risks during missions was different from risking his heart. If tonight was nothing more to her than an emotional blowout then he needed to know before he told her his secrets. Before he told her he loved her.

Chapter 28

Kait stared at the closed door. How long did it take to get rid of a condom? She rubbed her hands over the blush creeping over her cheeks and slumped back on the bed to stare at the ceiling. What did she know of these matters? Nothing, virgins didn’t. She smiled. Except she was no longer a virgin thanks to Ryu. It hadn’t been anything like she expected. Well, mechanically it had, but the intensity of emotion was beyond anything.

She cast her gaze around the room. It wasn’t like her fantasy of candles and silken sheets, but it was better than a cruddy bachelor pad with smelly socks in the corner. And the best part was, when Ryu touched her she hadn’t thought about the room at all. His touch transported her out of the dreary room straight to heaven. Her lips twitched at the whimsy. Rachel would wet herself laughing if Kait described it like that. She paused, either that or get all soppy and sentimental, sometimes it was hard to tell with Rachael.

Despite how it sounded, it was heaven in his arms. She closed her eyes and shuddered with pleasure as she remembered his hands sliding tenderly over her body, bringing her skin alive beneath his touch. No longer a virgin. Her dream of Ryu being her first had come true.

Not that he’d seemed thrilled at the realisation he was her first. Or maybe surprised was a better description. Understandable, not that many women her age were still virgins, although she doubted she was the last. He’d seemed upset she hadn’t told him, probably felt like he should have done things differently. He was the sort of man who would want to make her first time special.

It had been special, he didn’t need to worry. It was special because it was with him. And he needn’t be concerned her body needed more, she’d been so ready for him she’d practically been begging.

No doubt he’d want an explanation when he came out. She’d be honest but she’d try to keep it light. The last thing he’d want to hear was she was in love with him. She’d sprung too much on him already tonight.

She glanced back at the bathroom door as she heard water splash. For some reason, despite the great sex and the smile he’d given her as he left the room, she was sure he was unhappy. It was as if his emotions were seeping under the door and reaching out to her.

Shaking her head and looking back at the ceiling, she dismissed the notion. How could she know how he was feeling from behind a closed door. She was letting her own niggling concerns influence her. Mainly projecting her fear he’d reject her. She nibbled the tip of one finger. Ryu wouldn’t do that, aside from anything else he was too much of a gentleman to let her down anything but gently.

Suddenly, now she was alone, everything that had happened tonight came rushing back. Her house was gone. The memory of the rush and heat of the flames made her whimper. She’d been having sex when she should have been working with Ryu to discover who set the fire. God, what if it was Johnny. She couldn’t believe her friend would go that far.

She pushed the thought away. She didn’t want to think of this right now, if she did she’d end up in tears again. Making love was the right thing. She needed something good to fill her instead of pain. She needed the wonder and joy Ryu made her feel. She prayed tonight wasn’t the only night she’d ever get to sleep beside him. If only wishing they could have a future together wasn’t stupid.

****

Opening the door Ryu stepped back into the room. Kait had been lying on her back, but she rolled over onto her side and rested on her elbow so she could watch him. Feeling self-conscious, he walked over to the bed, grabbed his discarded jeans from the floor and pulled them on.

“Are you going somewhere?” Her smile faded.

Refusing to feel guilt, refusing to feel anything at all, he sat down on the bed opposite. Resting his back against the wall he looked at her. Hopefully distance would help him keep calm. He needed to deal with this rationally.

“I’m not going anywhere, I just want to be able to see your face properly while we talk.”

“Talk about what?”

“Talk about why you waited until now to lose your virginity.” The words sounded stark, almost cold, said like that. He didn’t take them back.

“Oh…okay. Um…I guess I was waiting for the right guy.” He could see she was struggling to understand why he was taking this so seriously.

“And you threw away all that waiting because your house burnt down? Or was the allure of a secret agent too much to resist?”

He knew the words were harsh but he needed, desperately needed, to understand why she had chosen him. His leg muscles twitched as he suppressed his guilt at making her uncomfortable. People often said things in anger they would never say when thinking clearly. He didn’t want her to say what she thought he wanted to hear, what she thought would make him happy, he wanted the truth. Her anger might be his path to the truth.

“It wasn’t like that,” she said indignantly, sitting up and pulling the sheet tight against her, like a shield against his words.

“The thrill, the danger of what’s happening with Johnny excited you? Maybe the stranger in a motel room fantasy, hmm?” Okay, those questions were unnecessarily cruel. Obviously his anger wasn’t dead. He opened his mouth to apologise but she cut him off.

“I told you, it wasn’t like that!” Her cheeks almost matched her hair. “I don’t fantasize about strangers. I’ve only ever fantasized about you!” Her hand clapped over her mouth with a slap and she stared at him wide-eyed.

“Me?” His mental fingers dropped the ball.

She nodded but didn’t say anything; her hand over her mouth like it was glued there.

He swallowed hard. He didn’t know what he expected but that wasn’t it. Suddenly her precise wording caught his attention. “You only
ever
fantasized about me?”

She nodded again and he foundered, completely out his depth.

Him
? Why
only
him in her dreams? Why?

He knew he was staring at her with a combination of shock and disbelief on his face because her blush darkened and she looked away, then cleared her throat, obviously feeling she had to explain.

“At school you were my fantasy guy.” Her words were so soft he had to strain to hear them.

Her embarrassment added to his confused feelings. He rubbed the back of his neck. He might want her emotions raw but he hated to see her like this. Unable to let her bear the situation alone, he said, “You were the subject of a couple of my high school fantasies too.”

She looked up startled. “I didn’t think you knew I was alive.”

“Pretty red-head like you, of course I knew you were alive. But we haven’t seen each other for years, how can you say it’s only ever been me?”

She nibbled the tip of her finger. “It sounds stupid, doesn’t it?” She looked away again. “I guess it is stupid. I know we haven’t seen each other. I didn’t even recognise you straight away after all these years. How do I explain this so it doesn’t sound weird…” Her voice trailed off.

“You’re not stupid, or weird. And I’m flattered,” which was the truth, “but I don’t understand,” which was also true.

She rubbed absently at the finger tip she’d been biting. “At school you drove my fantasies. As the years passed my fantasy men became faceless, but I still thought of them as you. Lately, well, now I know what you look like…I told you I wanted you before tonight.” The last words were muttered, and she glared at him.

She didn’t look like a woman trying to explain why she’d chosen him for her first lover. She looked like she was trying to justify and defend herself, and she resented it.

Looking at her, eyes narrowed, one hand clutching the sheet against her chest, the realisation of what he was doing hit him like a punch to the gut. He was treating her like a suspect, not like the woman who’d given him the precious gift of her virginity. He swallowed hard. Shit, he knew he was unworthy of her, this proved it. He was a complete bastard.

No matter how much he wanted the truth, this wasn’t the way to get it. He should be holding her, not interrogating her. He ran his fingers through his hair wondering how everything had spiralled out of control.

“I’m sorry, this took me by surprise. You may find this difficult to believe, but I’ve never slept with a virgin before.” He tried to keep the emotions rushing through him out of his voice.

Her eyebrows jumped. “Not even when you were a—”

“Not even when
I
was a virgin.” He ran his hand through his hair again. “The first girl I slept with was Melissa Gaits.” As soon as the words were out his mouth he regretted them. He obviously wasn’t thinking clearly. You didn’t tell the woman you’d just made glorious love to, about women with whom you’d previously been intimate.

“I remember her.”

“Yeah, most of the boys we went to school with remember her.”

“And you wanted to be one of the crowd?” Her snarky tone told him she was getting more upset. He was right, telling her who he’d slept with wasn’t helping matters.

He tried to think of a way to bring back her smile, and chose the truth. “No, I like redheads.”

Her mouth, which had been opening, snapped shut so quickly her teeth clicked. Oddly, Ryu’s shock at being life-bonded dissipated with the sound and his common sense finally prevailed. This was the woman he was bound to for the rest of his life, alienating her now was beyond stupid.

He moved to sit on the bed next to her, taking her hands. “Thank you for letting me be your first.”

“Th…that’s all right.”

He could see she was trying to work out what was going on, her eyes darting across his face for clues. He leaned in and gave her a gentle kiss before standing up and shucking off his jeans. Her lips made a moue of surprise and she backed away, stopping only when her back hit the wall.