Embracing Love (11 page)

We started kissing and I started taking his clothes off. He lifted me off the blanket and started undressing me. There was a little snow on the ground and it was cold as hell but my body was so hot, the warmth of our bodies together felt like we were in a sauna.

Evan held me with my legs wrapped around his waist. He leaned me up against a tree and entered inside of me. I loved the feel of him inside of me. He made me forget about everything I had thought about all week. He made love to me, just as I wanted.

I could tell he was getting ready to come and I didn
’t want him to stop. “Lila, we got to stop. I’m not wearing a condom.” “Evan!” I said as I kissed him harder. “It’s okay, I want all of you inside of me.” “I can’t hold it any longer.” He came inside of me and I smiled as he did. He carried me back to the blanket and continued to kiss me. I could see he was crying. “Lila, you are the only woman I have ever had unprotected sex with.”

“
But, what about? Ugh.” “The condom must’ve been defective.” “Oh,” I said. I didn’t want to say her name. As we lay there on that cold New York night, I could actually see spending forever with Evan. I knew I couldn’t though. We made love again before going back to the car. I wasn’t ready to leave, but I knew we should go.

The ride back was so pretty, it had started to snow more.

“Thank you Evan, for everything.” He grabbed my hand and said “Anything for you Lila, anything.”

I still hadn
’t heard anything from Liam. It was almost my birthday. I wasn’t going back home for the holidays, I just couldn’t. Addison and Eric were pretty upset that I wasn’t. I told them I just wanted to be alone. Evan and Brody were going back home. I was going to be all alone on my birthday and Christmas.

I was okay with that. As I sat there with my thoughts, planning my holiday meals, there was a knock at the door.

I looked out and it was a guy I’d never seen before. I wasn’t sure if I should open it or not. I made sure I had my cell phone in my hand, he looked harmless but this was New York City, you never knew.

“
Can I help you?” I asked. “Lila?” “Yes, and you are?” “It’s so nice to finally meet you, I’m Vinnie. I was in basic with Liam.” “Oh come in please. Do you know where Liam is?” He cleared his throat and let out a sigh. I could see he had some letters in his hands. These are for you, Lila. The ones you wrote Liam that he never got and another he asked me to give to you if he didn’t get out.” “Vinnie, where is Liam?” “We aren’t sure, he’s been missing since June.”

“
Missing? What do you mean missing? Vinnie, I’m a little confused, the Army hasn’t contacted us to let us know anything.” “They tried, they said. Lila, it wasn’t only Liam. It was ten others. Their plane never showed up and they can’t find it anywhere. I’m sorry to have to tell you this.” I was crying so hard, I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.

“
Is there anyone I can call for you, Lila?” “Ye-Yeah…umm…Evan. The number is in my phone.” He took my phone and called Evan. “Hello sir, is this Evan? My name is Vinnie and I was a buddy of Liam’s. I think you need to come to Lila’s. Okay, I can do that, sir.” “He’s on his way, Lila, I’ll sit with you until he gets here. I also have these pictures we took.”

It was him, Liam, and another guy. I noticed Liam had a new tattoo that must
’ve been his surprise, I thought. “Lila, he loves you so much, the stories he told us about you, hell, I think we all love you.”

I sat there crying, Vinnie put his arms around me. He said,
“Your friend should be here soon, sweetie. I’m sorry I had to tell you this. Liam was a great man, Lila and he loved you very much.”

Evan came running in the door.
“Lila, what’s wrong?” I fell into his arms sobbing and holding all Liam’s letters. I couldn’t talk, Vinnie explained to him what was going on.

“
Lila, here’s my number. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me. I live about twenty minutes from here.” I hugged the man and thanked him, and gave him my number.

Evan didn
’t ask questions. He sat there and held me, telling me we would find out what was going on. I needed to call everyone but I couldn’t. I felt like when I talked, the words just wouldn’t come out of my mouth. So Evan made my calls for me, as I sat there listening to him call Addison, my mom, and even Nikki. I still couldn’t talk. I felt like a zombie, I didn’t even want to move. Brody came over and had brought a pizza and some wine. He knew that was my favorite, but I couldn’t eat or drink. I just laid on the couch holding Liam’s pictures.

“
Lila sweetie, you need to get up and eat something. At least drink some water.” My phone kept going off. Evan would answer and tell them I didn’t want to talk. Evan and Brody stayed with me that night, I didn’t move from the couch. Evan slept right beside me all night, I didn’t sleep but he and Brody sure did. I had to pee badly, but I didn’t want to move. I just wanted to die right there. I had lost my Liam, the man I was ready to spend the rest of my life with.

My phone started ringing, it woke Evan up. I didn
’t move I just looked at him. “Hello, yes ma’am, she’s awake. Okay I will, no problem. I’ll have her call you soon.” “Lila, that was your mother. She’s worried about you.” I just wrapped my arms around him and cried. Brody came walking over with a cup of coffee, he tried handing it to me but I still didn’t move. I had sat in the same spot for almost twenty-four hours. My phone rang again. It was Addison. I could tell from the way Evan was speaking. “Okay Addison, but I’m not sure, okay, okay! Okay go ahead.” He had put my phone on speaker. “Lila, can you hear me?” I just shook my head, Evan said, yes she can. “Lila Rae Carls, you get your ass up off that fucking couch right now. You hear me? You need to get up! Liam would not want this, you need to live your life. Do not make me fly there because I will and I will beat the crap out of you for not taking care of yourself.”

“
Lila, it’s your brother. Honey, please get up and eat. I know you’re upset but you need to get up. We’ll be back home tomorrow, are you coming home? Lila, answer me!” “Er-Eri-Eric.” I finally got the words out. I hadn’t said anything in over a day. “No, I’m staying here. I’ll be there next month.” “Evan, you take care of my sister, will you be there or are you going home?” “Eric, I’m staying right here, I have no plans. And I will take care of her!”

I just looked at him. I thought he was going home. They finally hung up and I didn
’t say another word. I just lay in Evan’s lap. He kept kissing my forehead and wiping my tears. I heard water running, I thought maybe Brody was going to shower. He walked in and looked at Evan, “You ready?” Evan nodded his head, stood up with me in his arms, and carried me to my bathroom. He then sat me in the tub. “Oh my gosh Evan, it’s cold! What the hell are you guys doing?” “We are taking care of you, you look like death and haven’t eaten or slept in almost two days. I’m not letting you sit like that anymore. You are starting to smell.”

“
Then just leave! I’m fine without you! I don’t need anyone! Not even you, Evan! Get out of my house now, I don’t want to look at you. Get out of my house, Evan!”

I started hitting him in the chest with my fists. He grabbed them and pulled me in closer to him. Poor guy, he was soaked.

“Lila, I’m not going anywhere, now Brody will leave if you want him to. But me? I’m not, so get used to it. I love you, Lila and I will not let you do this to yourself or to us.”

He was crying and Brody walked over and patted him on his back. I was so glad to hear him say that. I didn
’t really want him to leave, I was just upset.

“
Lila, either take a shower or I’ll give you one.” He took his shirt off and got in with me. Brody walked out of the bathroom and Evan had already turned the water back to warm. He stood me up and took all my clothes off. Then he washed my hair and my body.

“
I sent Brody to get my clothes and you some food.” “I-I’m not hungry, Evan.” “You will be.” He then dressed me. “Is this the perfume you wear all the time?” I shook my head and he sprayed it on me, then he brushed my hair. “Do you want to brush your teeth? I will for sure do it, if you don’t.” I took my toothbrush and I couldn’t even look in the mirror, I brushed my teeth and just cried as Evan stood there staring at me. I really couldn’t believe he was doing all this. I didn’t feel like doing any of it.

I sat there, trying to force down the food Brody brought. I realized it was my twenty-first birthday. I had lost the love of my life one day before my birthday.
“Evan, what day is it?” “Lila, it is December 22
nd
. Your birthday!” We’re going out later and I’m not taking no for an answer!”

I started talking and finally forced down my food. I wanted to read the letter from Liam.
“Evan, can I be alone to read Liam’s letter?” “I’ll be right here, if you need me just yell.” I walked into my bedroom, leaving the door open.. I sat on my bed and opened the letter. My hands were shaking so bad as I read it.

I held on to the letter, put my iPod on repeat playing
“What Hurts The Most” by Rascal Flatts and lay in my bed with Liam’s Army T-shirt and cried. I must’ve fell asleep. I woke up to Nikki, shaking me. “Oh Nikki, what are you doing here? Liam is gone Nikki, they can’t find him.” I launched into her arms sobbing “Lila, I came to check on you, doll. They aren’t sure if he is dead or alive. Please don’t give up hope. Come on, get up. Evan is worried about you. Let’s go celebrate your birthday, Lila. You need to eat and get out of this place.” “I’m not worried about my birthday, I want Liam.” Why couldn’t they understand my pain?

We went to dinner and bowling. I know I wasn
’t a joy to be around. They sang Happy Birthday to me and I just wanted to crawl under the damn table. How the fuck could they expect me to be happy? The love of my life was somewhere dead and they wanted me to celebrate my birthday. I was so numb, I didn’t think I’d ever be happy again.

It was Christmas Eve and Nikki left that morning. It was just me and Evan. I begged him to go home but he wouldn
’t leave me. My parents wanted me home but I didn’t want to go. I was going home the first of the year to help try to find Liam.

The Army had contacted The Ellis
’. They said it took so long because Liam’s address was for his home in San Diego. Finally they were able to track his last known address to the Ellis’. They said they were still looking for Liam and the others. They assumed it was a crash, somewhere between Kansas and Colorado.

Evan and I were getting closer and closer.
“Lila, I love you so much. I enjoy spending every minute with you. I hope that we can be together. I know right now your heart is in a different place, but I can’t help how I feel about you.” I know he meant well, but Liam was missing and he is already planning to be with me. I guess a lot of it was my fault for clinging to him. I’d held on to Evan for everything, anytime I was down, he was there to lift me up.

We spent Christmas together. I went shopping when I was home last month. I had gotten Evan and Liam gifts. I left Liam
’s at my parents. I got Evan a new briefcase. He had eyed it a couple times while we shopped together. I also got him a new guitar strap that said: Country Boy at Heart. I loved to listen to him play and I wanted him to think of me every time he did.

“
Lila, you shouldn’t have gotten me all this.” “I wanted to!” I think that was the first I had smiled in days. He bought me a beautiful bracelet that was white gold with purple and yellow butterflies in between each diamond. It looked really expensive. “Evan, you shouldn’t have.” I know he saw the unshed tears in my eyes. “Don’t be silly, Lila, you deserve so much more. That reminded me of your tattoo.” “It’s just like it. I love it, Evan.” I leaned over and kissed him. He had a twinkle in those sexy eyes of his.

I had another gift from him, it was another pair of Ugg boots. I loved those furry boots. I squealed as I opened them. He thought it was funny that I wore them with everything. I spent the rest of the week with Evan. We would lay and talk and I would listen to him play his guitar. I missed Liam so much, I prayed that he would come back. But I know once he did, I would have another numb spot in my heart for Evan.

The first of the year came and Evan wanted to come with me but I wanted to go alone. It was something I had to face without him. I explained that if I needed him, I would call. He still didn’t want me to go alone.

Ashton was there when I arrived, he was going to help me find something out about Liam. Finally we talked to someone. It had been eight months since we heard from him. It had been almost a year since I had seen him.

We still didn’t receive the news we wanted to. Liam was missing along with ten other people. Exactly what Vinnie had told me. It was all coming true. I had lost Liam for good.

They had no clue where these eleven people were or even if they were alive. How could all these people be missing and no one know there whereabouts? Liam promised he would always come back to me. He said he would never leave me and now he
’s gone.

I had fallen in love with him and he disappeared on me.

I went to the beach house that night and just sat on the beach and cried. I looked up at the sky. All the stars where dim except for one big one. I wasn’t sure if that was the sign Liam had mentioned in the letter. But it reminded me of the night in the park with Liam, the first night he confessed his love to me.

All I could do was think of the nights we spent together here and how much I tried not to fall for this man. I fell madly in love with him after all. As I sat there crying for Liam, thoughts of Evan came to mind. I was madly in love with them both. I put my head between my knees and cried. I didn
’t think anyone saw me but I felt an arm wrap around me. “Liam?” “No babe, it’s Ashton.” He sat next to me and pulled me in close to him. “Lila, I’m sorry you have to go through all this. I know you may not believe this but I miss that dude.” I looked up at him with tears falling.

“
Ashton, why are you here?” “I didn’t want you to be alone. I was worried about you and knew you needed a shoulder to cry on. Although I was an ass doesn’t mean I really don’t care about you. I have loved you since we were kids. But I knew you would end up with Liam. He is better for you, I’m no good.” “You aren’t that bad, I was just hurt and mad at you. Thank you for being here.” I wrapped my arms around his waist and we sat on the beach until the sun came up. We talked about our childhood, our relationships, and his plans for the future.

I spent a week with my parents then I flew to Boston. I needed to see Addison.
“Lila Rae, I’ve never been so happy to see you in my life.” She hugged me and kissed my cheeks. “Me too, Ads, I’ve missed you and I needed one of those big Ellis hugs that you guys give. I needed you. Why didn’t you come to me?” She started crying harder and Eric walked over to us and put his arms around us both. “Lila, I wanted to so bad. I knew you needed me but I couldn’t see you like that. Evan called and said you were a zombie and I just froze. I couldn’t collect my thoughts. Baby girl, I know you needed me and I’m sorry I was selfish because I couldn’t see you like that. You’re one of the bravest and strongest women I know. But Evan said you weren’t yourself at all.” “I understand, Ads, I know you’re hurting for him too.”

She smiled, hugging me again. Then kissed my cheek.
“Ads your brother is nicer than we give him credit for. He came to check on me at the beach and sat with me all night while I cried in his arms.” She had a strange look on her face. “He didn’t ask for any?” “Addison, he knows where my heart is.” She snorted and said, “Well, with him, you never know.” “Hey Lila, did you forget about your little brother?” “Eric, how could I forget my favorite brother?” “I’m your only brother, dork, you look good, sis.” I know he was lying because I still looked like shit. I hadn’t worn makeup or done anything to my hair other than a messy bun or ponytail in months.

I enjoyed my week with the two lovebirds, they seemed so happy. I did get a little emotional thinking that Liam and I should be this happy right now. Evan was back in New York and was waiting for me to get home. I was ready to get back, even though I didn
’t have any classes. I had taken three months off. I left Ads her letter from Liam, I told her to read it after I left. I said my goodbyes and headed to the airport.

Evan was waiting for me. I did miss him, his hugs just made me feel like everything would be okay. “Damn Lila, you look so pretty. I’ve missed you so much.” “I missed you too, Evan.” I leaned over and laid my head on his shoulder as we walked to the car. “Café?” I asked. “Anything you want.” “Did you find anything out about Liam?” “Nope. Nothing at all, just what we already knew.”

I hadn
’t been feeling well. I thought maybe it was because of everything I had been going through. I realized that I hadn’t gotten my period in over a month. I remembered the day Evan and I spent together, we made love and didn’t use protection. But I’m on the pill, so I couldn’t be pregnant. Oh hell no! God, please don’t let me be pregnant! I didn’t mention it to Evan. While he was at work, I went to Walgreens and got a pregnancy test and took it. It showed up positive. No! This can’t be happening. I thought oh fuck, what am I going to do? I haven’t seen my boyfriend in a year and I’m pregnant. That would make my parents proud of me for sure.

I called Nikki to see what she thought.
“Lila, calm down. It could be a false positive. You’ve been so stressed out.” “Nikki, what should I do?” “Go to the doctor. Tell Evan. Do not keep this from him.” She was right, I had to tell him. I sent him a text.

Me: Evan, can you please come over?

Evan: Yes, sweetheart. Everything okay?

Me: Yes, just want to see you ;)

“Evan, don’t freak, but I need you to go to the doctor with me.” “Lila, are you okay?” “I’m fine, I just may be um…um…I may be pregnant.” “What? Oh! The day in the woods.” “Yep, that would be the day.” “Well let’s go. Did you take a test? Are you okay? How do you feel? Can I get you anything?” “Evan, I’m fine. Yes, I took a test. But I need to find out from the doctor.”

I was hoping and praying that I wasn
’t pregnant. I wasn’t ready. What was I supposed to tell Liam when we found him? Was this a sign, a sign that I’m meant to be with Evan.

We arrived at the clinic. I signed in and the Medical Assistant called my name. She took me in a small room, took my vitals and asked me a million questions. She gave me a cup to pee in, I was still praying it was negative. A young lady came in.
“Hi Lila, I’m the Nurse Practitioner here. My name is Sherry Reynolds. Your test is negative but I still would like to draw your blood and do a test that way. So that we are 100% sure that you aren’t pregnant. Sometimes the urine test can have errors, this one will be more accurate. The Medical Assistant came back in and drew four tubes of blood. I hate needles and having my blood drawn. The girl inserted the needle in my arm and I thought Evan would pass out.

“
Lila, you know if you are pregnant that I will not leave you and my child.” “I know you wouldn’t, Evan. We will just need to wait for the test and be more careful next time.” “Lila, did you say next time?” “Yes Evan, I said next time. I will always love Liam, but I’m not sure where he is. If he does come back, you know I will go back to him. Do you understand and are you okay with this?” “Lila, I love you and like I told you before I will take what I can get.”

This wasn
’t fair to him I thought, it just wasn’t. I’m a horrible person to tell a man who loves me that if my missing boyfriend comes back, I will run to his arms. But that’s what would happen.

It had been two days since I had gone to the clinic. Finally they called and said the test was negative. I was so relieved. I loved children and wanted them, just not now. I called Evan to tell him but he didn
’t answer. I left him a voice mail. I decided I wanted to read Liam’s letter again and look at all the pictures we had taken together. I ended up laying in the middle of the floor holding Liam’s shirt and pictures drinking a bottle of wine and crying. I was drunk. I just lay there with my iPod on blast, listening to sad music and crying.

I didn
’t hear Evan come in. He walked in, picked my iPod up and turned it down. “You having a party?” “Oh hi Evan. I’m not pregnant.” “That’s good, Lila, but are you drunk?” “I don’t think so, I’m just upset about Liam.”

“
I understand, let’s go grab some coffee and you’ll feel better.” “Okay, let’s go.” “Lila, you want to get dressed first?” “Oh! Good idea!” I was still in my panties and T-shirt.

We went for coffee, I had a horrible headache. It must
’ve been all the wine. I hadn’t drank that much in a while. “Evan, let’s go somewhere.” “Where do you want to go, Lila?”

“
Away, I’m not sure. Where ever you want to go. I have money, you don’t need anything.” “Lila, I don’t want your money. I have money.” “Okay that’s fine too, we can drive or fly or even take a train. I’ve always wanted to ride a train. Evan, I haven’t taken a subway either.”

“
Lila, let’s talk about this tomorrow, okay? You want to stay at the loft tonight?” “Okay, that’s fine and yes I would like to. I’m lonely. It gets so boring in the dorm and lonely. Did I say lonely already?”

“
Yes you did, let’s drink more coffee and you need to eat your food.” We went back to Evan’s and I went and lay in his bed. He came in and laid beside me. I was really tired, I just lay flat on my stomach. I felt him put his arms around me.

“
Lila, you know you are so beautiful, your mind, your heart, and your body. I love you because of who you are. You are kind and sweet and gentle.”

I turned over and looked at his beautiful face. He had sorrow in his eyes, I could see it.
“Evan, I love you very much and I really like your smile, you are so wonderful. I don’t deserve your friendship, I’m a bad person. I ask you to be a stand in for Liam and that isn’t fair.” “Oh Lila, I don’t feel like a stand in. I know you will do what is right. You will have to make your choice when the time comes, until then you are mine.”

He started kissing me. When he stopped, I pulled him in and kissed him some more. I wanted him right now, God did I need him.
“Evan, do you have condoms?” “Yes, I do.” “Great, now make love to me.” We didn’t leave the bedroom at all.

The next morning I forgot Brody was there and I walked out in just a T-shirt.
“Well good morning sleepy head.” “Oh good morning, Brody. I need coffee.” He just laughed and handed me a mug. “Good morning Lila, do you still want to go somewhere?” “Evan I wasn’t that drunk, I remember everything. Yes, let’s go to Paris!” “Paris?” “Yes, you want to go or not?” “Well I will have to check my schedule, when would we go?” “Tomorrow. Stay a week?” “Lila, why don’t we go to another state?” I wanted to go to Paris, but he did have a good point. Maybe we should just go to another city or state. “Okay let’s go to Ohio. We can visit Nikki.” “Okay, that we can do today, Lila.”