Embracing My Submission (15 page)
Read Embracing My Submission Online
Authors: Jenna Jacob
Feeling debased at what was expected, I tried to swallow my pride as I waited for Trevor to assume his position. Drake directed me by my hair until I was straddling Trevor’s hips. I hesitated then descended my mouth to his.
Closing my eyes, visions of Mika once again filled my mind. With my ass thrust upward, the stitches burned beneath my tautly stretched flesh. I whimpered as Trevor’s tongue plunged deep inside my mouth. He was being unnaturally forceful, which fed my fantasy like forbidden fruit.
Drake tugged my mane. Dreaming of Mika’s tongue, I groaned lowly in Trevor’s mouth as I became lost in my fantasy. Sliding my fingers upon my throbbing clit, I rubbed the sensitive knot of nerves. My hips rolled as I fantasized of Mika’s broad brown hands clutching my ivory flesh, preparing me, readying me to accept his glorious shaft in my needy pussy.
My body jerked in surprise as warm palms caressed and cupped my breast. It was Mika. It was his hands that were upon me, touching me, helping me climb up and over the edge. I released my lips from Trevor and gasped as Mika plucked and pinched my pebbled nipples. Whimpers, moans, and tiny squeals of delight vibrated in the back of my throat as his magical touch coaxed me higher. His warm breath floated over my ear as he nibbled the column of my neck.
The heat of him surrounded me.
Exploring.
Enticing.
Euphoric.
It was sensual sensory overload. Quaking violently, his broad hands spread my thighs and his fingers plunged through my swollen folds, invading my sweltering cunt. Mika drove into my core with demand, swirling me into a lewd whirlpool of hedonistic splendor. It was a spectacular free fall, and I gave everything over to his masterful control.
Rocking my hips, meeting each deep thrust, my pussy gripped and clutched as my soft, slick tissue sucked upon his embedded fingers. Something warm and slippery slithered across the puckered flesh of my anus followed by his finger that began tracing the ultra-sensitive rim. He persisted upon the fragile tissue and finally penetrated the ring.
It was too much. Too intense. Shards of lightning detonated outward, spreading from the rigid rim of my virgin asshole and tingling through my limbs. I was soaring to the heavens as his finger stretched the delicate opening, flying far beyond my control. Nothing could have held me back. Nothing could have slowed the spiral as I swirled higher and higher toward oblivion. My whimpering mewls escalated to panting cries, growing louder and more desperate by the second.
“Give it to me, Julianna,” Mika’s deep, buttery voice whispered in my ear. His fingers curled inside my tunnel, pressing against my hidden bundle of nerves as his other finger steadily seesawed into my ass. “Let me have it, girl. It doesn’t belong to you. Christ, your whimpers are like a fucking white-hot spike through my brain. Let go, precious. I want to hear you scream for me. I want to feel your pussy and your ass milk my fingers as you explode. That’s it. Fuck my fingers and come for me. Come. Come for me, love. Now!”
His demand catapulted me over the top. Nectar poured from my pussy in a deluge as I closed my eyes and welcomed the crashing thunder.
Drake gave one last hard tug of my hair as my body arched. I tossed my head back and screamed Mika’s name as I fragmented into a million shimmering shards of white ecstasy. Convulsing brutally, I clutched Mika’s thick fingers, milking them as they plowed in a frantic rhythm inside me, screaming to the heavens as each powerful wave obliterated me.
Before I could even begin to feel the twinges of the fierce tsunami dissipate, Mika jerked his fingers from my body. Lights were still flashing behind my eyes, and my ears buzzed as the powerful release continued to vibrate.
“Trevor, tend to her,” Mika snarled. His tone was fused in disgust and anger. “Drake, get me out of her sight. Take me back to the club. Now.” Mika stormed from the room, his footsteps echoing in a heavy thunder as he raced down the stairs.
“I’ll be back.” Drake murmured on a sorrowful sigh.
Was Drake talking to me or Trevor? It didn’t matter. The dream was over. Everything I’d longed for and desired just raged down the stairs, out the door, out of my life.
Evidently Vanessa hadn’t a clue about my less than stellar track record with Doms, else she’d have known I was
not
the one for Mika. I never would be. She’d have to invade another sub’s dreams, one that was worthy of Mika because without one single, solitary doubt, I wasn’t the “one.”
I fragmented like French lead crystal smashed against a marble pillar. Crawling over Trevor, I curled up into a tight, protective ball. The brilliant white light surrounding me seconds ago dissolved to a black, oily abyss.
Soft sobs turned into mournful wails. Confusion sullied my mind. What had I done? What didn’t I do? Clueless, I tried to find an explanation for Mika’s sudden onslaught of disgust. My mind could only ascertain the obvious. I was a pathetic excuse for a submissive. Seeing me in action was so disheartening, Mika couldn’t stomach my ineptness, couldn’t wait to get away from my miserable display. I was beyond hopeless. I was a failure, a complete and total failure, and forever would be.
“Julianna. Oh sweet sis. What can I do for you, honey?” Trevor’s words were suffused in sorrow as his tender fingers caressed the side of my face. I shook my head, drew my knees up tighter, and cried. “Oh baby! He’ll figure it out. You didn’t do anything wrong. Come on, let me love you.”
“No,” I sobbed. “Leave me alone, Trevor, please. Just let me be for a few minutes.”
He exhaled a concerned sigh. “I’ll get you some hot tea. That will make you feel better. I’ll be right back.” With a sympathetic pat to my shoulder, he tucked the covers over me then left the room. Left me alone to wallow in my devastation.
Rocking back and forth, trying to ease the agony blistering my soul, I tried to convince myself that Mika was nothing but a whimsical fantasy. It had never been real. The dreams were simply that, dreams.
Imaginary.
Ghosts.
Smoke.
Smoke that I’d been blowing up my own ass thinking, wishing, I could be more than a disappointment. I’d failed miserably, once again, without knowing exactly how.
I was certain that Mika looked at me as a doppelganger, a far too painful likeness to the ghost of his past, Vanessa. He would never allow himself to align with me because of it.
I was painfully aware that I lacked the grace and beauty worthy of his Dominance. His urgent need to escape painted a ruthless and agonizingly clear picture. He didn’t want me. His demand that Trevor tend to my aftercare reinforced his disgust. He couldn’t even lower himself to such a menial task.
But it was his acrid, venom-filled demand for Drake to get him out of my sight that decimated me. The echo of his cruel and abhorrent words ripped my soul apart.
Sobs wracked my body as my mind spun like a centrifuge. Dominance. Submission. The quest to find that all-elusive “one” had been nothing but a pipe dream. A fantasy.
And without warning, a light bulb illuminated in my brain and it was all too clear. I knew what I had to do. I had to give up my dreams of submission. If I was to retain any semblance of sanity or self-esteem, I had to let it go. I had to shove it far behind me and forge ahead.
Trevor returned with the tea, his eyes filled with sorrow and pity. Pity! It was the last nail in my submissive coffin. I was a strong-willed woman, a woman fortified with determination. I was also a woman who loathed pity, especially in the eyes of her friends.
No more.
I would take back my control
and
my life.
Drying my eyes, I unfurled my limbs and in my mind began to construct thicker, protective walls, reinforcing the layers of self-preservation. This time I designed them so that no one ever got through to hurt me again.
“Thank you sweetheart.” I nodded with a weak smile.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I’m sorry I broke down. I didn’t mean to do that. The onslaught of hormones, I think. I didn’t handle that very well now, did I?” The smile I forced felt empty.
“You scared me, Julianna,” Trevor confessed in a low, fragile voice. “There’s a lot you don’t understand about Mika.”
“It’s not important. If there’s anything he wants me to know, he’ll tell me.” I squeezed his hand.
Trevor nodded then exhaled in a resigned sigh.
“I need to take a shower. Can you help me with the bandages?” I asked.
“Of course. Come on. Let me help you, sis.” Trevor’s smile was bright. He was happy to be helping me. After all, that’s what submissives reveled in.
Helping was how they derived their contentment and they thrived doing things for others. It was something I’d need to learn how
not
to do.
~*~
For the next thirteen days, I stayed away from the club. I concocted a plethora of excuses for my absence when Drake called. And he called daily. Most times I wouldn’t even bother to answer the phone, and when I’d relent and pick up, a dubious tone of doubt filled his voice with each pathetic lie I offered up for my absence. Guilt gnawed at me, but there was no going back. I had to buck up and steer my life in a new direction.
I’d followed up with Mika’s doctor as promised, and while my backside was mending exceedingly fast, my heart and soul continued to hold the fresh and piercing painful wounds. Wounds that continued to weep and ooze at the loss of my submission.
I’d placed entirely too much hope on Mika in far too little time. Hope inflated by idiotic, obsessive dreams. It wasn’t at all surprising that they had stopped. No doubt Vanessa had realized her mistake and was now haunting some other more deserving submissive’s dreams. Truth be told, I missed her. But her visits would inevitably have included Mika. I wasn’t prepared for that. The memory of him alone was excruciating enough.
It was Friday night, a night I normally spent primping to enjoy with like-minded friends at the club. Yet I sat alone eating a potpie that had the same flavor and consistency of the cardboard container it came in. Restless. Anxious. I sat alone at my kitchen table realizing how much of my life had been centered around the club and its members.
I had no other friends to join for a night out at a vanilla bar or to take in a movie, a dinner. I’d spent the past four years sequestered from anyone or anything outside the realm of BDSM.
Had my choice been a pathetic attempt to fill some void, or was submission at the actual crux of my being? I still didn’t know. I
did
miss it, missed the expectation of conforming to a rigid criteria. I missed the feeling of being at peace with my psyche. Even longing for a Dom, I’d felt more centered with people who shared my kink than I did sequestered away like I was now. At least I could achieve my fundamental desires to submit through Drake and my interaction with other Dominants. They kept me under their wings in one way or another, and were a constant reinforcement and reassurance of my submissive status.
This was just stupid. I could do anything I set my mind to. I was a strong, capable woman. Pining over some man a ghost delivered in my dreams was asinine. I needed to get my shit together and start living my life without that infernal club.
Picking at the deceptively delicious-looking crust of my dinner, a knock came from the door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, but dread rippled in my belly fearing it might be Drake. Swinging the door open, I was surprised to find Mistress Sammie wearing a long ivory sweater that concealed her fetish wear. A tight, humorless smile stretched over her red, glossy lips.
“Sammie? Errr...come in, please,” I stammered. “What’s wrong? Is Drake okay?”
“Drake is fine. Maybe you should talk to him when he calls and find out for yourself.” Her words were short and clipped. “Get dressed. I’ve come to haul your ass to the club.”
I blinked, speechless.
Sammie snapped her fingers. “Hurry up. I don’t have a lot of time. I left James tending the bar, and that’s a sure recipe for disaster. The man knows nothing about working my bar.”
“Sammie, I’m sorry you came all the way over here, but I’m not going to the club tonight. Please tell Drake that...”
She cut me off, holding her palm toward my face.
“Drake didn’t send me to get you, Mika did. Now get your ass upstairs and get dressed.”
Mika?
My mouth dropped open. “Mika? Why?”
“Go get some clothes on, girl.” She smiled, softening her gruff demeanor.
Panic blossomed in the pit of my stomach as a tingling numbness pumped through my bloodstream. “I can’t. Please tell him I was busy. I wasn’t home. Tell him...”
“I am not about to lie to Mika for you or anyone else,” she hissed, cutting me off in mid-sentence. “The man is a saint, and I would never disrespect him in such a way. Now, you march your little ass to your room and put some fucking clothes on. You’ve got ten minutes to get yourself together, or I’ll haul you out that door naked!”
For such a petite woman, she packed a lumberjack punch of authority.
“Why does Mika want to see me? Why didn’t he just call?” I asked in defiance.
