Emmerson's Heart (23 page)

“Have cake and ice cream and let me talk to her.” Tugging me down the hall to my bedroom, Paul shoved the door open, releasing me as he blocked my escape. “What is going on? We talked about this, Emmer.”

“I can’t have him gone for that long.” And that was all I could come up with? Paul always knew when I was lying to him. Hell, I never had to lie to him either. I could
tell him anything and he would never think less of me. Well, that was before something changed inside of me.

“Really? Emmer? Come on.” Checking over his shoulder, he made sure Jackson stayed in the living room and hadn’t followed. Then again, if I was talking to Paul, Jackson wasn’t too worried. He knew how close the two of us were. But the whole thing was, I had something change inside of me that turned into a strong sexual feeling
toward the one who saved my life. Thankfully, he hadn’t figured it out. For once, he hadn’t noticed that I was lying to him, which I absolutely hated. “I will be here with you. If you are that scared, I will stay up here instead of at my house. I want him to go. I want him to have this trip for you.”

“Why?” My voice cracked. Why would Paul want Jackson to go for me? Why would he do that to me? I needed Jackson as much as I needed Paul.

“So you can have a chance at seeing what a little bit of life is about. Please, trust me. I would never do anything to ever hurt you. Never in my life. Trust me.”

How could I back down from that? The two men that I trusted with my life, Jackson and Paul, would never let me get hurt or put me anywhere in a situation where
someone else could hurt me again. I knew that. I knew Paul would never hurt me.

Nodding, I pulled back my embarrassment and tears. Maybe it was just something stupid that happened and a one-time deal thing. Nothing more would ever happen and
there would be no way Paul would ever let someone hurt me. Nor would he ever hurt me either. 

Chapter 23

****Present****

Watching Marc hunching over the table still working, my heart sank a little. Watching him work as hard as he was with me there, being out of his office and at the condo, made me feel even worse than I already did. For him to try to do all this at home three days out of the week was hard, seeing as all the things he needed weren’t there, but I was. I was the reason he wasn’t there working where his job could be ten times easier. Marc going to the office now twice a week to keep caught up, meant I was there those days by myself. It was late when he came in on those lonely days, but once again, it was me who was making him suffer because of me being here with him. Last weekend, he had taken me out to dinner and a movie, but we hadn’t made it through the whole movie when the pain started to settle in. Just another thing he was missing out on because of me. But on the way home, all he did was hold my hand and smile. He didn’t care that we left early, just being together was enough. And that was something I had with Paul a long time ago. Something I was learning to live without. Paul. 

A few times, Greg called
, offering to take me out as he promised and I could tell that it weighed heavily on Marc’s mind with the way that he had looked at me, but he never did say anything about it. That was one thing I really liked about Marc. He understood that I would have other guy friends, but he hadn’t gone off on rampages about it, about a guy hanging around. Hell, Paul nearly attacked Greg on my very first date I had. And not to count, Paul was the one I ended up going home with because Greg was going to kiss me. And it wasn’t just Greg. Paul damn near attacked Rob’s friends for talking to me. He sneered, cussed, and pitched fits when they would call before and after the accident. More so afterward, but still, Paul hated when other guys talked to me. Marc, on the other hand, trusted me enough. 

Getting up from the couch, I went over to the television stand and picked up the photo of the family where I had my arms around Jackson, my cheek pressed against his cheek, and the smiles on our faces actually matched. For once, my smile was very real and his was so bright and loving…. My eyes burned with tears as I
brushed my fingers along his face. Still, I missed him so much. I missed my Jackson. Maybe it was the constant battles that we had where I made that man actually back down from the arguments that I missed the most. Maybe I missed his strong ways on his “safety” with me. Maybe I…..I just missed everything about him. And it hurt so bad. It hurt so much…..just seeing what….I brought him to. I needed him yet. I still needed him. No matter whatever I did to get hauled into his office at the ranch home, when he would rant and rave for hours at me, when I absolutely needed him, he was there. He was always there for me. And I needed him so much right now. Didn’t he know that? Didn’t he know that I would still need him?

His dark eyes were twinkling with that same freedom from pain we both held so deep in our hearts about our pasts. In a couple other photos of us, I saw that darkness, that desperation in his eyes as well as my own. When you went through abuse like I had for all those years, it always stays with you. It does. Still to this day, I have nightmares where I come face to face with the man who left me outside to freeze to death after he beat me over and over, for a week, after he took a damn box cutter and sliced my skin, after he shoved the food I stole from
Will in my face to make a point. Yes, my dad was a monster. A monster who always popped up in my dreams just to remind me of what was. When you go through something like that, it stays in your eyes, deep in there where people who went through something like that could only see. And I saw it so many times in Jackson’s photos. I saw it because I knew. I knew him and he knew me. But this photo of us, this one here, it was when we were set free. Maybe we healed each other and that was why there wasn’t anything but freedom in our eyes.

If he only knew. If he only knew what this was doing to me. What I wouldn’t give just….just to have one more day with him. What I wouldn’t give to tell him how much…..just how much I loved him. If I had one more day with Jackson Huck, I would tell him….I would tell him exactly how much I loved him and needed him. I needed him to help me get through this pain which Paul brought onto me. I needed him to help me through this.

He would still be here if it wasn’t for me. He would still be at the ranch if I just…..if I just went home when I was supposed to. If I only knew something like that was going to happen, I never…..I never would have waited. I would have taken in the world of agony Paul would have inflicted on me by proposing to Becky on Christmas. I could have gotten over that. But no. I stayed and made every damn excuse in the book not to go back there. I made every damn lie up I could so I didn’t have to witness Paul giving Becky what I so desperately wanted. It was all because of me. I was the reason he died. I was the reason why I didn’t have Jackson there anymore. It was all me.

The worst part about losing Jackson was I didn’t even have Paul there to help me through it. Maybe Paul blamed me for what happened. Maybe he saw it all as my fault and he hated me even more. If I just knew what I did so wrong last summer to turn Paul against me, I would fix it. But why did he hate me so much? All I did was love him, maybe too much, but I did. I loved him with all my heart. And he threw me away.

He threw me away as if I didn’t matter.

His words…..That he didn’t care if I lived or died….He regretted ever finding me that night he saved me…..All those mean and hateful things he said to me since the night of my graduation party…..It hurt so bad. It was more than what my dad ever made me feel. It was worse knowing I would never get the chance to see
Jackson again. The pain Paul caused me…..I would never forgive and I would never forget. 

“Emmy, are you okay?” Clearing his throat, Marc moved up behind me
and rested his hands on my shoulders.

“I don’t know how to just get over it.” My eyes shifted over to Paul
, seeing that smile, but there was something different in his eyes. It was almost like he was pissed that I wasn’t there next to him. Like he had actually been upset over it, but he faked it anyway. That was when we were best friends yet. That was when we spent every minute we could together, working, doing chores, or just hanging out. That was when my life was at peace and I had complete freedom for a change. I would never go a day without missing Jackson, but this pain with Paul, I didn’t know how I was going to get over it. 

“He will always be looking over you, Emmy. Always.” Wrapping his arms around me, he tucked his chin on my shoulder and smiled. “He loved you so much. You were his whole world. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him happier.”

The hot tears trickled down my cheeks as I swallowed hard. How horrible was I? Here, Marc was being so wonderful to me, so caring, and I was actually wishing that he was talking about Paul in a way. I knew that Jackson loved me so much that he had nearly ripped my arm off trying to protect me and I would always miss him, hurt for him, beg for him, and love him. But, Paul. He was still there. He was still at the ranch and it just felt like nothing would ever fill this emptiness inside of me. At least with Paul, when he held me in the barn after the memorial, there was that spark that I had knowing that I would be able to survive losing Jackson.

“Would you be able to take me for a walk? I think that I want to get out a little.” Putting the photo back, I eased back into his embrace
while still feeling the sense of love coming from him. Sleeping with him every night had helped, but still, I was so empty that it had just gotten worse every time. No matter how much I told myself that it was Marc in the bed holding me, my mind only wished that it was Paul.

“Sure. Let me just finish my email and we will go.” Pressing his lips to the back of my head, he gave me a little squeeze before his warmth had slipped away.

Following him to the kitchen table where stacks of papers were in neat piles, I felt the lump filling in my throat. It was the same way that Jackson had kept his desk neat and organized. The same fashion. Of course, I would sneak in there and shift things around just to start something because of boredom, but it was that arguing that I was looking for with him. That playfulness side to Jackson that the others hadn’t really seen too much of. “I’m not keeping you from anyone, am I, Marc?”

His eyes shot up to me fast and wide. “No
. Why would you think that, Em? Who would you be keeping me from?”

“Um
…” Raking my bottom lip through my teeth, I felt the heaviness sinking in. Paul had broken it off with Becky because of me, because of his hatred for me. And Marc had told me that Becky really had enough of the downfall that Paul had taken. I didn’t want to know if they had rekindled their relationship, but Marc would have told me. Well, maybe. Now, I’m not too sure if he would have. “I don’t want to keep you from someone else, a girl.”

“Emmy, you’re my girl.” Turning in the chair, his hand slipped onto my waist
to pull me toward him. As I sat on his knee, he smiled deep within his eyes as he brushed his hand on my cheek. “There is no one else in my life that I would or could ever want.”

My heart jumped a little as I looked into those brown eyes, those eyes that had matched Paul’s so much.

“Emmy, you are so amazing and so beautiful. I don’t see anyone coming close to you. I hate to admit it and scare you off, but I just…Since Thanksgiving, I just…” His eyes shot down to my lips, bringing the heat to pool deep in my belly. “I like sleeping with you on my chest, holding you tight to me.”

“You do? Even when I drool?”

“It’s perfect when you drool.” Leaning a little closer, his eyes met mine again, causing my heart to actually jump a little. “I like you here with me, Emmy.”

“I like being here with you. I don’t feel so ugly and so horrible.”

“You are not ugly, Baby. Not even close.” His lips brushed mine and I actually liked it. I liked the feeling that he had given me. It had made me feel alive for the first time since the accident, since losing Jackson. But when I had opened my eyes, the guilt washed through me. Marc had just kissed me and it was nothing like what Paul’s kiss had been. It wasn’t as electrifying, as deep, as heated. “Let’s go for that walk, Baby. I have had you cooped up in the house way too long.”

“I would like that.” Just as I was getting off his knee, he pulled me tight to him as his mouth had crashed down on mine. His hand cupped the back of my head
, drawing me in even more and I felt the days-worth of growth that he hadn’t shaved off today. Raking my fingers through his hair, I felt the shortness of it which only reminded me that this wasn’t Paul. This was not Paul at all. My heart was thumping hard. I liked Marc, too. He had been nothing but so great to me. When I had woken up in the hospital to see him there, the tears running down his face and my hand in his, I was surprised, also confused, but I was glad that he had been there. With all the talks and the time that we had spent together, he looked just like Paul, but was nothing like him.

“Emmy, I have to get you the hell out of the house.” A heated smile filled his face as he rubbed my backside
, urging me to get up. “I have wanted to do that for so long now.”

My chest tightened as I felt the pain hitting my heart at the same time as I wanted it. I wanted Marc to love me. If I couldn’t have Paul, I had Marc, my other best friend, the one that was there when the pain of Paul hit. Maybe it was just because I hadn’t ever seen Marc as one
of the brothers with him not being there. He was still around, but still, we never had that connection like the other three had with me.

“Come on,
Baby. We can go and when you get tired, just tell me. And then I am going to carry you back here and we are just going to put away the work and hang out.”

“I would really like that.” Making my way to the staircase, I felt his hand cupping my elbow. Still, he had carried me up and down the steps and I appreciated it. The steps were the worst for me yet and I wasn’t sure that I would be able to make it up them yet or go down without falling.

His arm scooped around the back of my legs as he lifted me up to his chest. His eyes sparkled as they had fallen into mine. “Emmy, you know that I would do anything for you, don’t you?”

“I do now.”

“Good.” Rocking me toward his chest, he kissed me again before taking me down the steps. When we had gotten to the bottom, he put me down and slipped my sneakers on. As usual, he had helped me get ready first. Another thing that I was starting to notice about him. I was always first. Me. “You know, your hair is really growing out.”

“I like it better.”

“I really liked the cut that you had gotten when you left the hospital.” Looking up at me, the upward curve of his lips brightened his whole face. Maybe it was really Marc that I was supposed to be with. Besides Paul, he was the only one that had made me feel anything inside. “I think that you are beautiful both ways.”

“Maybe I will cut it again.” Resting my hand on his shoulder, I lifted my left foot
and felt the pain shoot through my right hip. Hissing, I started to fall forward only to have his hands wrap around my waist to catch me. His foot had rocked back, sending him off balance and backward, taking me with him. Falling on top of him, I had actually laughed. For once since Thanksgiving, I had let myself actually laugh. His hands spread over my back, holding me to him with his eyes on my lips again. Licking them, I felt the moan vibrate through his chest before he kissed me again. This time, I fell into it, let myself enjoy it. Yes, Marc was the one that I was supposed to be with.