Emmerson's Heart (18 page)

Oh no! She didn’t
just poke the bear. Oh god, she would never be allowed out of the house now. Hell, we four boys never had enough guts to stand up to him like that. We were smarter than that.

His death glare shot to me as he charged
toward me. Cupping my mom’s shoulders, I moved her in front of me for a shield. Talk about a coward, but he was in his fit of a rampage and he would never take it out on Emmy, not on his life. On mine, though, he wouldn’t think twice. I was a man and I could fight for myself. Never would he touch a hair on Emmy’s golden head. “You stay here and make that sale! I have to go in and beat this doctor!”

“Jackson, do you even hear….” Mom tried again, but his glare had turned to her
, silencing her. “You will do no such thing. He is doing his job.”

“Like hell he is! He has his hands on her!” Pointing at Emmy only made her laugh harder.
Hell, she had known what his temper could do. I did only because I had seen the destruction first hand. “Don’t you EVER tell me what I will or will not do!”

“Jackson, he gives me my physicals. I am sure that your doctor does the same thing to you and Connie’s not upset about that.” Sliding her hand into his, she tugged him back
and brought his attention back to that smile on her face. “Would you rather me not be protected in a heat of passion and come home pregnant from a guy who just wanted to get his rocks off?”

Oh god, Emmy. You did not just say that.
Gritting my teeth, I felt the anger rising inside of me. If that were to ever happen, I would beat the son of a bitch down.

His jaw tightened to the point where the pulse was beating out of his neck as his eyes stayed on her. Instead of charging at her like I had expected him to do with her horrifying comment, his teeth clamped together as the growl came from him. He backed down. He had actually backed down from her.  “Go change your shirt because I am taking you myself.”

While stepping forward, Mom sucked in a deep breath. “Jackson….”

“I’m not talking to you right now. Don’t even say anything to me!”
With a shake of his head, he stormed into the kitchen, letting the screen door slap behind him.

Emmy fell back onto the couch
, laughing as she looked at me. “God, he’s such a big baby.”

“You shouldn’t have said anything to him, Emmer.” Sucking in a deep breath myself, I rested my hands on my hips as I looked at my mom. “You know how he is with her.”

“I know. I know. I tried to get the phone from him, but when it comes to her, that man loses his mind.” Her eyes shifted over to Emmy as she shook her head. “You better go and get ready. We have to go.”

“I don’t see why it’s a big deal.” Pouting, she pulled herself up from the couch and looked at me with those doe eyes. “Paul, you can understand, right?”

“Hey, I am against this as much as he is.” And I was. I didn’t want the thought of what another man could do with her, how he could be touching her. Hell, she was far too good and true to be used by guys like my two brothers and me. Emmy went through too much in her life already, experienced more pain and suffering than anyone should. Getting used would only hurt her more.

“I know about sex. I’m not stupid.”

“How do you know?” Mom cleared her throat as she eyed Emmy, waiting for an answer. I knew how Emmy had known the truth about sex and it was with two of my brothers. Marc and Rob hadn’t held back any of their conversations around her at all, not for the fact that she had asked me also, but at least I was honest with her. God, if my dad found out she knew all about sex, it would send him into an early grave, along with Rob and Marc.

“I read, Connie.” Rolling her eyes, she headed to the hall
and disappeared into her bedroom.

“I just don’t know about him sometimes.” Mom turned to me with her eyes softening. “He just….when it comes to her, it’s like he just loses his mind.”

“He just looks at her like his own daughter. She is amazing, Mom.” Tipping my head, I felt the rush shoot through me. Emmerson Cogwell was something very amazing and I had to start keeping my mind around her. I needed to just take some time away from her and remember that she was supposed to be like a sister to me and nothing more.

Chapter 17

****Present****

Dad’s memorial was held today so that Emmy could be a part of it. I knew that she hadn’t wanted to go, but she was obliging. Becky had spent the extra time on Emmy’s hair
, getting it to lay with a slight flip up in the back that I had liked so well. Once again, I had refused to let her walk out of the house with those scars covered. She wasn’t going to. They were a part of her and there was no way that anyone would ever say that she was ugly. Not one. A little makeup, but that was it. Hiding that beauty that she had was the only thing that had made her look ugly. The only thing.

Rob, Will, and Marc all had on crisp white collared dress shirts, black jeans, and black cowboy hats in
Dad’s honor; his favorite get-up. I had even worn one also, but I hadn’t looked near as striking as my brothers did. The hat just wasn’t me. At the church, Mom had fussed with Emmy’s simple black dress that had covered her shoulders and her chest. Plain, but Emmy hadn’t complained or fussed about wearing one. Maybe Mom was finally getting her wish.

I looked over at her standing by the large photo of my father standing by his beloved horse, Elk. He had been smiling and so full of life. It was hard not seeing him at the dinner table or out on his horse at all. I still missed the hell out of that stubborn jackass. I missed the ranting and the raving only to have his “little girl” be the one to put him in his place each time. Like I had said, a six-foot-four man that was always brought down by a five-foot-five girl. And as Mr. Andrews had said, she had reminded my dad of himself so much, that was why he loved the hell out of that girl. He loved her so much that he had done himself to his death just to protect her.

Hell, Greg was over by her talking and she hadn’t even heard one word that he had said. Nothing. Not a damn thing. All she was doing was staring at my
Dad with those tears in her eyes, that pain deep in her heart. Greg’s hand rested on her back as he leaned in to give her a kiss on the cheek. It had pissed me off. I wanted to just go over there and punch him in the face for touching her. No one had the right to kiss her, not that cheek. No one was even close to being worthy enough to do so.

The past week, she had been different. Different to Rob, to Will, even to
Mom. And me, she hadn’t said one word to me. Not a one. If she had even looked at me, I wasn’t even sure of it. She was pulling away from us. Common, from what I understood, but this was not Emmy, not my Emmy. It honestly scared me. Every night, I had left my place to go and check on her and last night, I about lost it. She wasn’t in her room and Ben wasn’t outside of her window like the faithful dog-horse was. The two of them were down in the barn, nestled in the straw bed at the end. He was lying down and she was cuddled right up to him, sobbing. It had been a good two hours that she had cried and cried herself to sleep. That was when I didn’t have the heart to take her back to the house. I let her sleep. Of course, I had gone in by them to hold her left hand and cried the rest of the night for her.

As the service went on, my eyes were on her a lot
while ignoring the loveliness and perfectionist that had been so faithful to me on my left. I think that Becky had seen it too. She knew that my heart would never be fully hers. Reaching over, she had taken my hand into hers and gave me a little squeeze. The tears were in her eyes partly for my dad, but mostly because she knew that it wouldn’t go past today, this moment with her. And I did love her for it.

“Is there anyone that would like to say anything today?” Pastor Don had asked as he quickly dried one of his own tears.

Mr. Andrews had stood, holding his black cowboy hat that he had saved for special occasions, and offered to speak. As he went up, his hand sat on my shoulder as he passed. Going to the front, he cleared his throat and looked over everyone. “I just wanted to say…Jackson and I were...He was my best friend, a brother to me. I never did understand why he had taken the one that I had run after for so many years from me, but I know now.” His eyes sat on Mom, making her cry a little more. “Connie, he was the best one for you and I loved the hell out of him for being the man that he was to you. He loved you so much and all five of his children that you had given to him. You made every dream of his come true.”

His eyes turned to me as he nodded slightly. “Paul, he was damn proud of you. Damn proud. You are just like him, son, and don’t ever think that you’re not. I have seen him inside of you since you were little. The night that you had done what you did, I never saw a man more proud
of…” his voice trailed off as he tipped his head. “What you had become.

Going to Marc, he smiled. “You were the little fire ball, but damn it, if he wasn’t proud of you for going on with your dreams and never think that he was angry that you had left the ranch. He was so happy for you
, though it didn’t seem like it many times, but he was.

The tears had filled his eyes as he shifted to Will and Rob. “You two, he done told me that after you two, there was no more. No more kids. Been enough hellions on his ranch.” Chuckling, he tipped his head to each one. “You two had made that man laugh when I didn’t think that he could. Will, he knows that your heart is tossed between the ranch and the beyond, but he would tell you that you need to do what makes you happy. And Rob, well…” He scratched the back of his head. “Rob…what can I say about you? You stole my tractor.”

Rob chuckled a little as he put his arm around Emmy’s shoulders. “Twice, old man.”             

“By golly, boy.” He pressed his lips together and nodded painfully. “He was damn proud of you
, too. Each of you boys, he held that fact as if it were the riches of the world right here.” When he had turned to Emmy, the tears had rolled from his eyes. “Angel, sweet angel. There is so much of him inside of you that I feel like I am back in high school with my best friend some days. Sitting with you in the hospital made me see just how damn lucky he was to have you brought into his family. He never regretted anything, Emmy-girl. Not once. He would do everything all over again if given the chance to change the past.”

She let out a few sobs as Marc pulled her close to him and
Mom had rubbed her arm while smiling through her own tears.

“This life that Jackson Huck shared with us has made this town pull together in the time of need and fight like hell when there wasn’t anything else to do. He is the heart of our town here and always ha
s been…always will be. He gave us all a hand when we had needed it, come to our rescue when we called no matter the time of day. Our town will always miss him, but he has blessed us with his family here to carry on his memories.” Nodding, he walked back around and went back to his seat.

Turning around, I found those watery greens of his and nodded a thank you. Listening to ten others sharing stories, we all were crying. It was hard. It was harder each minute. After having to bury him with just us and then to
say goodbye again, it had brought back the pain that he was no longer going to be back on his ranch, the land that he had loved.

“If there is no…” Pastor Don cleared his throat and Emmy had stood up.

“I would like to say something.” Her legs were shaking and the water was streaming down her face.

“Honey, do you want me to come up there with you?” Mom braced her arm
, holding her steady.

“No, I can do it. I need to.” Slowly and painfully, Emmy had walked up and not one person had cringed
while waiting for her. Turning to the podium, she braced her arms on it to try and hold herself up. Her eyes had come up so bright and so electrifying, my heart pulverized my chest. The lump filled thickly blocking my throat. Becky’s hand tightened on mine as the other had held my arm to keep me from going up and getting her. She didn’t need to say anything. Nothing.

“Um…” her knuckles had turned white from holding on so hard. Pastor Don had stepped up behind her
, giving her a little more support. “I wanted….This…” Instantly, the pain had filled so deep in her puffy eyes that she had looked at Mom and let her sobs go. Not one person had said anything, but I swear more tears had flooded our packed church for the first time in history. It seemed like hours that had gone buy before that whiny, grief stricken voice had come back out. God, this was killing me right here. I hated to see her like that. I hated to see her cry to the point that she was strangling herself.

“This week….I knew that this was coming…coming…” her hand clamped over her mouth as she rocked a little
, still unsteady on her feet from the accident. “I loved him so much. He would sit with me on the nights of my birthday and after each holiday. We would have a great family time and then I would go into my room and cry.” Shrugging, she glanced at Marc. “Holidays were always physically painful for me, and my birthday, and he would sit and talk with me and tell me that it would never be like that again. He was so good to me. For once, I had a good family. A wonderful family.”

Her eyes glistened with the fresh water that was about to come out when she had paused
to look around the room. “Um…It was hard for me to trust a father figure, but he showed me that I had the best one around to show me what a family really was supposed to be like. And what did I do to repay him? I invited a horse to dinner.” Her eyes drifted down to her left hand, the one that she had seemed to hold close to her heart all the time, the one that she hadn’t let anyone touch. “I…I know that everyone here loved him and I just wanted to….

I shifted a little in my chair feeling
, the knives cutting deeper into my chest. My stomach clenched so hard that I had leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees. I wanted to just throw up. The sickening pain was swelling into her as she looked at mom with the deepest regret ever known to man. I wanted to just go up there and grab her tight and never let go.

“Let you know that it’s all my fault.” Her chin quivered as she looked down
, letting the shame and the pain fill through her. “It’s my fault and I want you all to know. I want to give this to you because of your love of him.”

“Paul, what is she talking about?” My mom reached over
, taking hold of my hand. “She doesn’t…”

“I am so sorry that I took him from you all.” Her eyes had come back up with the water gushing out over her ashen face. “He had come to take me home for Christmas. I was the reason why he had come that night. I talked to him earlier and he found out that I wasn’t coming
home. It’s my fault.” Her voice trailed off as she looked at Mom with the most apologetic look I had ever seen. Everything inside of me tightened and my stomach was punching its way up. How could she even think that it was her fault? He would have suggested to get her in a heartbeat, anyway, so she didn’t have to drive in the winter. We all knew her driving abilities weren’t the best when she had a permanent notch at eighty in her truck. “We were talking and…and he had reached over, taking my hand…and...he saw it. He saw it coming from behind when he had reached around and grabbed my arm to push me down. He never let go, Mama.” Her body shook as she cried. “He never let go. He didn’t and that was why he had died. He didn’t let go of me and I took him from you. I am so sorry. I am so sorry, Mama. He loved you so much and I took him from you.” Balling her fist tight to her chest, she had closed her eyes as tight as she could, not wanting to let go of him still. “He was the best dad that I could have ever known, that I could have ever had, and I…was the reason he died. I am so sorry. I am so sorry, Mama. He said that I would be the death of him someday and I was. I was the death of him. God, Mama, I am so sorry.” The cry poured out of her, shattering every centimeter of my heart. When her eyes opened, she looked at Will, then Rob, and Marc. “I am so sorry that I took him away.” When she had looked at me, my world crashed down. The pit of my stomach was erupting so much hurt and pain for her, I wanted to just get up and take hold of her. How could she sit there and think that this was her fault? It was an accident. “Paul, you gave me him and…You brought me to him…And I am so sorry to you, too. I will never forgive myself for taking him away from you.”

I stood and straightened out my jeans
, feeing Becky’s hand on my back.

“I miss him so much. I keep hoping that I could wake up from this nightmare and see him there. I wish that I could wake up and have him scream at me because of Ben showing up in places that he shouldn’t have. But, I wanted you to know what he did for me. How he died. And I can’t tell you all how truly sorry I am for taking him from you. Mama…”
Opening her hand, she looked down at it and cried a little more. “Mama, I am so sorry. There isn’t a day that goes by that don’t I wish it was me. I wish that it was me. He loved you so much and I took that away from you. I am so sorry. It should have been me.”

Nodding, she had started to the seats, but instead, she headed for the aisle. Mr. Andrews caught her in his arms
, holding her tight to him and letting her cry. Walking over, I cupped her elbow and took her away from him. Picking her up, I walked her out of the church and outside. Taking a seat on the cement bench, I just buried my face deep into her shoulder and cried with her. There she was taking the full blame for my dad’s death and it wasn’t her fault at all. Not one of us blamed her for what happened. He had done what he did in that truck to protect her, to fulfill his promise to her.