Emmerson's Heart (20 page)

“I don’t want….to be….here…” The cries came out even more
, burning my throat and my chest. I couldn’t do this anymore. Not having Jackson around, I couldn’t bear what I brought him to. He always said that I would be the death of him. He said that over and over. And I was. I killed him.

Chapter 20

*
***Present****

Paul

The end of summer had come in and I had done my best to stay away. I stayed at my place
for dinner, drinking mine. Breakfast, I drank that too. Living out of the bottle wasn’t that bad. As long as I had kept my mind numb, I could actually force myself to walk the ground that my dad once had. Even that was getting to me. Just the thoughts of how he would be if he had heard the words that I had said about Emmy when we had gotten the news…

Sitting on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands, I felt the wave of pain coming again. Hell, the bottle of whisky wasn’t helping anymore. There was only one thing that I could do and that was to just pack up and leave. I needed to get the hell away from here
—tomorrow.

“Can I come in?” Marc’s soft voice drifted through the silent house
, slicing through my chest even more. Hell, since Emmy had come home, he had moved his office into my dad’s and worked from here. Every day, Emmy was there sitting on that damn couch watching him work, at his damn heels like she had once been on mine. The way that she looked at him now was the way that she once looked at me, but what could I do about it? Punch his freaking face in and demolish my own brother for having her heart?

“No.” The guilt and jealousy had mixed with the contents of that empty bottle
, reminding me that I needed a refill if I was going to be able to make it through the night. I hated my brothers, hated my mom, hated George Andrews for being over constantly to see Emmy. I hated the fact that Becky was right and that she had become good friends with Emmy. I hated myself the most, though. Looking into the mirror, I had seen nothing but that girl’s father looking back at me. I was no better than he was to her. I just hadn’t held her down and cut her physically to see her bleed. I cut her from the inside and those wounds would never heal.

“Mom asked me to come and check on you.” Appearing in the doorway, he leaned against it and folded his arms over his red tee shirt. He had buffed out a little, but I knew that it wasn’t from working. Nope, he wasn’t a rancher like Rob, Will, and I. His muscle came from the home gym that was in the corner of that office that once
was filled with my dad. And while he worked out, Emmy sat there and watched. She watched him all the time.

“She don’t have to. She has enough on her plate.” Grabbing the bottle, I stood
, feeling the wind inside of me taking me over and pushing me back to the bed. Hell, I couldn’t even see straight. “Get the hell out of here.”

“What are you doing to yourself?” Ah, there is was. He wasn’t dad. He wasn’t anything like that man. It had earned a drunken laugh from me as I tried to focus on him. “She misses you.”

“I don’t care, Man. I don’t. She has you, Marc, so kiss off.”

The loud sigh filled the room as he shook his head. “I was talking about mom,
Bro.”

“Who cares?”

“I do!” He lunged at me and pulled me up from the bed, hard. As he shook me, his muscles in his arms twitched, and his eyes dug into me with hatred. “Do you have any idea what you are doing?”

“Pretty sure that I don’t right now, but ask me in the morning,
Brother.”

“You’re freaking drunker than shit then
, too.”

Shaking my head, I shoved him away causing my feet to stumble out from under me. Falling back to the bed, I swallowed hard. “I don’t give a crap, Marc. I really don’t. I’m leaving anyway.”

“How can you sit here and do this to her? Don’t you think that she’s been through enough?” His eyes softened as he withdrew his fight. It was hopeless because nothing he could say would ever make this pain go away. “I know what you said that night about Emmy, Paul.”

“I meant every word
, too.” Digging my fingers into my scalp, I tugged at the long curls. God, it hurt so damn bad. It hurt whenever I would see her in the house when I passed by the windows. I missed her so much. I missed her sitting next to me not saying anything, but just the wicked smile on her face.

“I am actually starting to think that you do and it is making me sick. Becky would have stayed with your sorry ass if you weren’t such a drunken prick.” Rubbing his forehead, he cursed under his breath. “Why did you say it? Why did you say that it wouldn’t matter if she died?”

“That was before I knew!”

“Then why did you say it?”

Picking up the bottle, I threw it against the wall while cussing as loud as I could. I didn’t mean a word of it. I was just distancing myself from the only woman that I never could have a chance with. I had to, any way that I could. Even if it meant hurting her. It was the only way and it wasn’t like I had a choice. 

“You didn’t care?” The weak and frail voice came out so painfully hurt that it had killed every inch of my body. Her eyes were on me just as she had looked at her real father. God, it was even worse than before. It was the deepest that I had ever seen inside of her. “Paul?”

“For crissakes, Emmy. I told you that I would be back in a minute.” Marc jumped as he swung his body around, trying to block the sight of me. “You should be resting.”

“Paul, did you say it? Did you really say that?” Her voice cracked to barely a whisper as she started around Marc to get to me.

“I did, Emmy! Just get the hell out of here!” I couldn’t look at her. I just couldn’t. I was horrible. I was a monster. I was her father all over again. Not to count that I was already half drunk and needing, craving for more just to take the pain away. It wasn’t so much that I lost my dad, but Emmy. I could manage through my dad’s death, but Emmy was still alive, thankfully, but she was still there every day where I would have to see her. I would have to see the pain I caused her every damn day. 

“Why? Paul, why do you hate me that much?” The whines came out so much my heart shattered into thousands of pieces. I was needing that new bottle now more than ever before. I needed it just to be able to cope with that cry from her. God, why couldn’t I just tell her? Why couldn’t I just admit to the feelings I had for her?

It was all because of one person and it wasn’t her. It wasn’t Marc. It wasn’t anyone but that one person that I respected so much.

“Let’s get you back to the house.” His hand came down on her arm
in an attempt to comfort her, but she pulled away from him. Good. That was what I wanted to see. I wanted to see her not fall under his arm. She was supposed to be under mine, in my arms, me being the one to hold her and comfort her. 

“Paul, please. Tell me that you didn’t…say that.” The cry came out of her so fast that it knocked the wind out of me. I hated it. I hated that I had even said that. Truth was, I needed anything to keep me from going to her
dorm myself and taking her anyway that I could. I needed something to stop myself from kissing her again until she couldn’t breathe. Any time that I had done anything with Becky, I kept my damn eyes closed wishing like hell that it was Emmy instead. It was the only way that I could get by without disgusting myself for the woman I was kissing not being Emmy. 

“I did, Emmerson.” My eyes had finally met hers as I watched the tears drain from them onto her sweet cheeks. “Now you can go and play with Marc all you want.”

“Emmy…” Marc’s voice softened as his glare hit me hard. If looks could kill, he would have done it. He would have sent me right into the grave by our dad.

“Paul, I really wish that it was me that died. I really do. Nothing can take this pain away knowing that I took Jackson from you all. I am so sorry. I am. I just wish that it had been me. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted you to hate me this much.” Hobbling closer to me, she held out her hand
and dropped something into mine. His necklace; the one that my dad had given her that he wouldn’t take off from his own neck. Hell, she never wore it because she didn’t want to lose it, but she had it around her bedpost close to where she had slept every night. “He told me that his dad had given him this. It was the necklace that kept him safe. He told me that when and if I ever found someone that was worthy enough in my heart, to give it to him. I think that’s why I loved you so much. You were just like him, Paul. You are just like him.”

Turning back to Marc, she grasped his arm for support as she dragged her right leg behind
, feeling the walk down from the house already. “Please, take me back.”

“Hey, we will sit by the fire and watch that movie, okay?” His smile came out as he cupped her cheek. “I will make some pop…”

“I think that I am actually ready for bed. I’m starting to hurt.” Leaning into him, he wrapped his arm around her back and lifted her up carefully. Falling to his chest, she had rested her head on his shoulder as her eyes slowly drifted back to me. “I’m sorry, Paul. I am sorry that I ever hurt you.”

Before I could say anything, he carried her out. Balling my fists, I felt the burning tears filling my eyes as I clutched tightly to that necklace. God, how she deserved Marc. He was perfect for her. Better than Greg, better
than Rob, Will. It was Marc that was the very best for her. Hell, just the way that he was constantly with her, it made me angry. That was supposed to be my place. I was the one that was supposed to be with her constantly like I had been before. Since her damn graduation, I had to distance myself from her and I had for him, all for that man that had given his life for her.

Chapter 21

****Present****

Three damn days, I had done nothing but sit back and watch Marc fuss over Emmy constantly. I had to witness her looking at him the way she did with so much love, but yet, that pain was still deep inside of her. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good for Emmy at all. The pain she was masking wasn’t the pain of my dad’s death, but the pain I had caused her. Having her find out what I said out of pure anger and frustration, was enough to damn near kill me also.

Standing by the barn, I watched Marc smile at her as he walked next to Ben while Emmy was on the horse’s back. She needed to get back on him and the doctor said there shouldn’t be a problem. Not with the way Ben was with her. And the saddle, hell it wasn’t like she ever really rode with one anyway. Just out to check on the herd and that was more of a safety thing than anything. But there would be no way she could ride out there and for that long now. Just getting out there on Ben was a big step as it was for her and I
had never seen more of a beautiful sight. Except for the fact that it was my damn brother, the one that was supposed to be my flesh and blood, trying to take my damn place in her heart.

I have never hated my brother so much in my life. Especially Marc
, seeing as we were always close. Very close. But now….I hated his existence. I hated him for cornering me about what I said. I had to live with the remark, but he came down to my place to question me about it and, of course, there she was. She had to overhear.

Last night the conversation came out about Marc taking Emmy back to his place for a while seeing as it was so hard being in the place that my dad had loved the most. No. That wasn’t the reason and I knew the reason why she wasn’t coping well with the accident. It wasn’t for the fact that she lost my dad, but for the simple fact that Marc had to make sure she knew what I said.

I was wrong. I was so very wrong and I had to live with the words I used. I did say that I didn’t care whether she lived or died. I said it and I regretted every single damn word. Those words were just out of sheer hate and anger, what I had to say to get myself distanced from the one woman I never should have those kinds of feelings for.

I did care what happened to her. I really did. More than what anyone else knew. Becky knew
, though, just because she had seen it and dealt with it for so long now. I cared if someone would look at Emmy in the wrong way because of those scars. Those scars made that girl perfect; absolutely perfect and more beautiful than anyone else in the world. I cared that Emmy was hurting and I couldn’t be there to help her through it. I cared so much for her to honor wishes that maybe I should just push aside and really tell her the truth. Maybe I should just tell her everything and fix what she really needed help with.

My dad’s death wasn’t what she couldn’t cope with. She could and she would. She was strong enough to do it. Me, on the other hand, was the sole reason why she wasn’t coping. We have always been together since she
came to live with us. I was always there through all the hard times. I was there to help her actually get some sleep after having those nightmares that scared the hell out of her.

“You need to rest, Em. You can’t be up there for too long.” Marc rested his hand on her left thigh
, causing the anger to slam through me in a way I never thought was imaginable. Not even when she went on that date with Greg and I caught him going in for a kiss. Yes, the anger surged through me that night, but what in the hell did she expect? She was soaked from the rain, looking more beautiful, and her clothes were plastered against her sweet, tight little body. That was a sight I wanted all to myself. And damn him for even trying to kiss her.

“I’m fine. I just want to spend some time with him before we go.” As much as she wanted to smile and hold that smile there, the pain was winning the fight she gave it.

“I know. I know. But I don’t want you to overdo it. You can’t ride very long right now. Not yet. I promise we will be back again.” If he was taking her somewhere, I didn’t know about it. I knew when she went into the city for appointments. I knew when she should be back also. I knew all that because I knew her. This was her place. This was the only place that she needed to be and would ever be. I didn’t care what I had to do in order to keep it that way. I just had to make sure I didn’t push her any more than what I already had.

Nodding, she let Marc win. Damn him. I hated him even more now. It was always a battle with me and her about getting down from Ben. Always. The more she
battled me, the longer she was up on the horse’s back. Ah, she was a smart one. Very smart. But this…. Watching this all was really making me even angrier. She was mine. She was my friend, my girl, mine….mine…mine.

Gritting my teeth, I shook my head. She wasn’t mine. I lost her after her graduation. And how thankful I was to have my dad send her off for her year at college
, too. If she stayed around, I never would have been able to push her away like I needed to.

As Marc opened his arms, Emmer slid to her left
, letting her body fall straight to him. Rage burst through me as I gripped the corner of the barn wall, forcing myself not to go and pulverize my own brother. And it wasn’t like she slid into my arms when I first had her on a horse and she was too scared to come down. It wasn’t anything like when Rob helped her down after she had her first real experience on a brand new horse that we had trained and the excitement was rushing through her. No. This was a whole different sight that should have been with me. Not me watching this happening with my brother that didn’t want anything to do with the damn ranch. God! I hated him! I hated that his hands were on her damn hips! I hated that his eyes were on hers, taking in all the love and the beauty that was deep within them! Those eyes were mine! Mine!

And he held her there. He held her, his hands wrapped around her tight hips, her body pressed against his, and his damn eyes influencing hers! I knew how he worked his magic on the ladies and he was filling her with all of his damn tricks! No. He was my damn brother and there should have been no way he should be looking at her like that! I was the one that had that look from her! That was my damn look!

But I was the one that had to crush everything inside of her. I was the one that had to push her away. It was all my fault. Even if I did talk to her and tell her the truth, she never would look at me like that again. She would never give me that look again. And there was no way I deserved to have her look at me like that again. Not after everything I had to say and do in order to keep my damn distance.

“When are we leaving?” Her voice softened as she cuddled into his embrace. My stomach knotted, twisted, and turned. That should have been me she was cuddling into as she did on those nights when she first came down to my place after having a nightmare. I held her a time or
two when she was so scared that her father was coming after her again. I was the one she ran to until Ben came to live on the ranch and turned into her damn horse-dog. I was replaced by that damn animal, but at least I still had her then. She would never object to a hug or a cuddle even then. Not from me. From Rob or Will, yes. But not me. Once upon a time, I was her superhero. I was the guy who saved her life on a damn hunch.

“I have to wait for that email and then we can go
, or we can go later. Or we can go in the morning. It’s up to you.” His hand brushed her cheek softly as his eyes danced, digging into hers even more. Another look I had seen all too much with him and the ways he picked up his women.

“I want to go now.”

“We will. And soon, Emmer. I need to pack up my office.” Reaching over, he smiled at Ben and patted the dark gray neck of the large horse. “I’ll take good care of her.”

What in the hell was he talking about? Why would he need to pack up his office…..What the….

My heart stopped hard. He was taking Emmer away. He was taking my girl away from here.
No! She can’t leave! She can’t. I need her!
She was my whole world! I had to bury my dad because of the crap I put Emmer through and now I was losing her for good.

No. It was all Marc’s doings. I should have known better. I should have seen that he would swoop in and steal her from here. I saw the way he looked at her when we decided to give
Mom and Dad that whole damn vacation cruise. I watched the way he looked at her when she was outside, at dinner, fighting with my dad. Oh, yeah. I saw that. I saw the way he was holding onto her when I walked into the house on their anniversary to get that shit over with so I could get some work out of Emmy. No one else batted an eye at the way Marc was looking at her. But me….Oh I was the bad one. I was the bad guy for looking at her like the goddess that she was when she graduated.

Making my way back inside the barn, I went straight for the bottle of whisky I hid in there last night. I needed something to get through the days of Emmer being there and me not being able to get any work done without her out there with me. Plopping down on the hay bales left for Ben in the far open end, I ripped that bottle open so fast and downed as much as I could. I hated him. I hated her for wanting to even think about leaving me. I
hated my mom for allowing it. I hated Rob and Will for….Hell, they knew what Marc was doing. They knew. I should have seen it at dinner last night, but then again, I could barely remember dinner last night.

What I needed was something to wash away the pain.

I hated my very own brother.

More whisky
would wash everything away.

I hated Emmer for wanting to ever leave me.

The burn felt better, but the pain was still there.

I hated myself the most for being such a damn coward and so pathetic that I hurt the one person I actually loved with every inch of my body. 

After I was at half a bottle, Ben walked in and let out a loud huff as he nudged the bottle from my hands. His big brown eyes were sad and I could tell that he was feeling the effects of that damn worthless brother of mine and his mighty plan. What in the hell does he think anyway? By taking Emmer away from here, she would all of a sudden heal?

That was a load of manure. Emmer belonged right here with me. As mine. With me. Right by my side as she
had for those years living with us and where I could take care of her.

Marc didn’t love her like I loved her. I knew Emmer from the inside out. I knew her secrets. I knew her feelings and she didn’t even have to tell me. I just knew. Like he was that close with her. No one was. Only me. Only I knew what she really meant when she said she didn’t want to be there. It wasn’t at the ranch she was talking about.

I didn’t blame her.  That girl had been through so much in her life that is was sickening. Pure sickening. I vowed never to let anyone hurt her again. Not after seeing how badly her dad beat her, tortured her, and threw her out into the bitter cold leaving her to freeze to death. I was the one who saw firsthand what that man did to her. I was the one who had to pick her up, hearing those cries while my mom could remove the blood soaked clothing from her beaten and bruised body. And there I was. The one who hurt her the most.

I had time yet. I had time to tell her the truth. To tell her that I loved her so much. I needed to
, even if it cost me everything. Drunk or not, she was getting the damn truth even if it meant to throw out any respect I had for my family. I needed her to know the truth. I needed to at least give her that. If she chose to run into Marc’s arms, then I would just drink my life away because I would never be able to live without her. No woman would ever put up with me being so in love with that one girl. Not one woman would deal with me like Becky had for that whole time we were together.

Putting the cap on the bottle, I stashed it again and headed up to the house
where I saw Marc’s car with the bags in the back seat. Her bags. If I could just grab them, throw them out, and put a stop to this, I would…..but hell, I was seeing ten damn bags and about three cars right there.

I was messed up.

I was drunk.

I was dying inside knowing I
was losing Emmer for good.

If she only knew. If she only knew what I was feeling, how much I just loved her, that I couldn’t live a day with her being gone. I barely survived her being away at school. Those times I went to the city and sat outside of her dorm
, hoping just to see her for a moment, wishing I could be there to help her through the tough college times she had. I knew she had them. I heard Will talking to one of his friends about it before. A few times, Will wanted to go to the school and beat the shit out of some people for her, but that was just brotherly instincts. My god, that boy let her steal his lunches just so she would have something to eat. He loved her, but in a way that we all were supposed to love her. Not me, though. I didn’t love her like that. I loved her at least a hundred times more than he did, in a completely different sense.

Sneaking into the house, I listened for a minute to see where everyone was. Well, I think. My head was cloudy and my heart was pulverizing the walls of my own chest. I had to tell her. I had to come clean whether I was being disrespectful or not. I couldn’t let her go without knowing just how much I needed her. In her room, I didn’t find her like I figured. Nope.

Marc folded up her jeans that were in a pile looking as if they had come out of the dryer. And another pile of her tee shirts and her underclothing. What in the hell was he doing looking at those things of hers? They weren’t for his damn eyes. He didn’t need to know what color her panties were and that she preferred the bikini style over anything else. And her bras….he didn’t know she liked the plain and simple ones because they kept her from bouncing so much while riding. Though, that night she went out with Greg on that date, I found out that she had one bra that wasn’t simple, boring, or bland. Nope, that damn black lace with the bow in the front. Hell, that was what caught my eye instantly when seeing her soaked. It was right there. Hello! What man wouldn’t have seen that? I sure did from the theater doors. That was why I lost my mind. I had to get her away from Greg and his eyes. That was mine. That sight of her was all mine.