Enlightened (18 page)

The biggest problem we had right then was Emma, as she was tired of Jamie avoiding her to spend time with me. She had also asked about why I had run from the band room that last day before school ended. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know I had been upset when I’d seen them kissing. Emma was a bright girl, and without some kind of explanation, she would begin to draw her own conclusions. Jamie had dismissed it, explaining that I had been embarrassed and wanted to get out of the room, and that I hadn’t been feeling well, telling her that the next day we discovered I had the stomach flu. Emma accepted his explanation because Jamie had an honest face and rarely lied. Well, before we had started dating he had rarely lied, but it had become a knee-jerk response. I hated that I had done that to him.

I had made him dishonest.

Then Jamie had told her that I may have a crush on her friend Brenda Sears. Brenda was a shy, rather frumpy girl who Emma seemed to have a soft spot for. His ingenious bit of fantasy had derailed Emma from figuring out my feelings for Jamie. So, once again, Jamie and I had a double date for Saturday night. To me, the only good thing about it was that Jamie and I would be able to spend the night alone afterward.

Between sweet and almost chaste kisses in the small confines of my upstairs bedroom, among the pieces of the new model we were working on, he reminded me that we had to go out with them in order to be together. We had to pretend we were just like everyone else, and at seventeen, that mold that we were forcing ourselves into included dating teenage girls. I consoled myself that at the very least, she was a nice girl and not Karen Simmons. He sat beside me on the edge of my bed, and I rested my head on his shoulder, completely lost in the scent of his soap, and reminded myself that it was just one more year.

My seventeenth birthday was one week away, and then just one more year and no one could tell me who I could and couldn’t be with. I would be my own man.

Well, really, I would be Jamie’s man.

“
T
HERE
’
S
always the church fair; we could take them there,” I suggested to Jamie. I sat back against his chest in the tree house. We’d decided to take the chance and sneak up to our sanctuary for a little alone time before getting ready to take Emma and Brenda out on our double date. While I was following the conversation, my attention was more focused on the way his hard chest felt behind my back and the way his arms felt around me. It was warm but not uncomfortable with the fan blowing.

“You sure you want to be around the holy masses?” he asked, kissing me lightly behind the ear. I turned my head and caught his lips in a slow, deep kiss before he could sit back against the wall. He smiled down at me, filling me with a warmth that had nothing to do with the hot summer day.

“I think that would be less awkward than going to the movies. What if Emma decides that we should split up once we get there so she can have her way with you in the dark?” I was only half serious, but it still caused a little bile to rise up in my throat. I couldn’t imagine the thought of sitting in a dark theater with some girl I didn’t want to be with while the guy I did want to be with was making out with someone else.

“I wouldn’t let that happen, but I see your point. Being outside around other people may give both of them less expectations.” He pressed his lips against my neck and just held me back against him. I put my hands up on his arms, holding them there, wishing that we never had to leave our tree house, but that just wasn’t how life worked.

“It’s six o’clock, and I need to shower before we pick up the girls at seven,” Jamie said, still nuzzling my neck, holding me tighter as if he’d read my mind about never wanting to leave.

“Okay,” I replied, reluctantly attempting to slide forward out of his arms and get up off the inflatable mattress. Jamie held fast, not letting me move.

“Yeah, ten more minutes,” he said in almost a growl as he pulled me to the side with him, laying us both down on the mattress. I laughed and rolled onto my back so that he hovered over me. Leaning down, Jamie tilted his head slightly to the right and came closer. He stopped just short of a kiss, his mouth slightly open and his lips turned up in a smirk as I strained up to kiss him. Moaning, he pushed me back and kissed me slowly.

“Tonight I want you to remember this moment whenever you feel like she has something you don’t. I want you to remember that deep in my heart, I’m wishing that it was you and only you,” Jamie whispered as his lips molded against mine, licking, teasing, tasting with a gentle sensuality that made my breath catch in my throat. First, he caught my upper lip between his, sucking lightly before doing the same with my lower lip. His thumb stroked my cheek as his hand curved around the side of my face, and I gave everything to him. My love, my affection, my very soul was his.

It was actually more like twenty minutes before I climbed down the tree house ladder in a bit of a daze. My lips were swollen and my hair was a mess, but I was happy as I jogged home to get cleaned up. Jamie and I might have to have two giggling and annoying girls between us at that fair tonight for the sake of propriety, but at least we would be together. It was infinitely better than staying home and wondering what the fuck was happening with my boyfriend and that girl.

My boyfriend.

The word was so inadequate but at the same time so exciting to me. Jamie was my boyfriend, and I was prepared to do anything I had to in order to keep that, including taking Suzie fucking Sunshine to the fair.

“I
THINK
that’s a great idea,” Emma said as she pulled Brenda through the front door of Brenda’s small house and onto the porch. Brenda looked nothing short of terrified as she stood behind Emma.

“Brenda, you make sure you’re in this house by ten thirty. Don’t make me come looking for you!” a woman’s voice bellowed from inside the house, and Brenda tried to make herself even smaller. She stood huddled against the closed screen door, her long black hair shielding her from Jamie and me as we waited on the steps. Emma looked back through the closed door while pulling Brenda toward us.

“Let’s go,” she said quietly, and we stood aside in order to let them pass, a look of resignation passing between Jamie and me behind their backs as the four of us made our way to the Ford. Brenda climbed into the back with me, and we looked at each other shyly before looking away again. The whole situation just felt awkward as I watched Emma reaching over to straighten Jamie’s collar, her fingers lingering on his neck. Closing my eyes for just a second, I remembered what Jamie had told me and thought about our sweet and loving kiss earlier that afternoon. The jealousy was slowly replaced with the warmth that I always associated with Jamie’s love.

I stayed lost in that feeling all the way to the church.

We pulled into the soccer field across the street from the fair where Emma’s and Jamie’s fathers were waving cars in to park. Mr. Mayfield waved to us when we passed and pulled into the next available makeshift spot. Brenda and Emma waited for Jamie and me to walk around to the other side of the car and open their doors. I held my hand out, and Brenda took it but dropped it the moment she was out of the car, whispering a thank you as she went back to stand next to Emma.

Emma was whispering, probably some kind of encouragement, to Brenda as they wound their way through the maze of parked cars headed toward the brightly lit tents ahead. Jamie and I followed, letting the girls decide where they wanted to go first. The closer side of the fair held all of the games, including a bingo tent, pull tab booth, and some ring tosses where you could win a goldfish. In the center were food booths with all kinds of sodas, hot dogs, pretzels, and funnel cakes. The games slowly gave way to rides for the rest of the carnival. The initial rides were all for smaller kids, but we could hear the screaming from the bigger rides. Huge mechanical boats and cages swung high in the air at the end of the strip, making me very glad I hadn’t eaten before leaving the house.

“Okay, girls, where to first?” Jamie asked with a heart-stopping smile. Instead of looking at him, I focused my attention on Brenda. After all,
she
was my date, not Jamie. Brenda continued to look at her shoes, and I fought the desire to roll my eyes. Emma came to her rescue by saying that we should win them something at the games.

The awkwardness lasted for the next hour while we walked around exploring the different booths and talking to friends who were also walking around the fair. When we got to the big rides at the end, we had to split up to get onto the Ferris wheel, so we let Jamie and Emma get on first. As the ride operator lowered the bar onto their laps, I noticed that Brenda visibly relaxed a little. Her shoulders lost some of their tension, and she let out a long breath. I looked down at her, and to my surprise, she smiled.

“He… uhmmm… Jamie makes me nervous.” I just stared at her. Jamie was one of the sweetest guys at school. Laidback and funny, he would never be intentionally mean to anyone. Everyone liked him.

“Why would Jamie make you nervous?” I asked, trying not to make the question sound harsh, merely curious. She obviously didn’t know anything about Jamie. Besides, I was the one she was supposed to be nervous about, wasn’t I?

“I don’t know; he’s so good-looking and confident. He’s like a celebrity at school; everyone knows him. What if….” She trailed off as the ride came to a stop and it was our turn to get on. I followed her up the rickety metal stairs to where the operator was holding open the gate. Giving him our tickets, we stepped through and sat down in the car. The operator dropped the bar over us and locked it, not giving us another glance as he grabbed the lever and started the ride.

As we floated backward and up the rear of the massive wheel, I turned a little in my seat to look at Brenda. She was looking out over the fair with a soft smile.

“What if, what?” I asked her quietly.

“I’m sorry?” she said, more question than statement.

“You said that Jamie is like a celebrity at school, and then ‘what if’. What if, what?” I asked again.

“What if… what if he doesn’t like me? I don’t really have any friends as it is,” she replied, still looking out over the fair as we slowly reached the top of the wheel.

“Jamie isn’t like that.” I wanted to reassure her, because I knew exactly what it was like not to have many friends, to have people avoid you because they thought you weren’t good enough. “There isn’t a mean-spirited bone in him.” She finally took her eyes off of the lights of the fair to look at me.

“You guys are pretty close, aren’t you?” I hesitated a little before I answered, knowing that she was only talking about being close friends but wanting to phrase my answer carefully.

“Jamie and I have been best friends since we were eleven. We do pretty much everything together,” I told her, making sure that I stuck to the truth because I didn’t lie well.

“It must be really nice to be close to someone like that,” she said wistfully. “My mom and I just moved here last year, and I haven’t really gotten close to anyone. I hate being alone all the time.” She clapped a hand over her mouth and looked a little embarrassed. “Oh, God, I’m sorry.” Sitting back in the seat, I was surprised when she started to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” I asked, smiling at her in my confusion.

“This is one heck of a first date. First, I don’t talk for an hour, and then I whine about not being popular,” she said and then snorted out a giggle. I started to laugh; I couldn’t help it.
God, if she only knew the half of it.
Reaching over to hold her hand, I decided that I liked Brenda. Even if we could never be anything more, she could be a good friend.

“I know what that’s like. Everyone knows that the Schreibers are my foster parents, so I’m just the kid they got saddled with. The only reason anyone talks to me is because of Jamie,” I told her with a shrug. We talked for a few more turns of the wheel about life at school as an outcast and found that we had quite a lot in common.

“I know what you mean,” I told her when she mentioned sitting alone in the lunch room. “The few times that Jamie is out sick during the year, I sit by myself. He’s really my only friend.”

“Not the only one,” she said quietly. “I’d like to be your friend, if you’ll let me.” The Ferris wheel was starting to slow as it reached the top again, and Brenda scooted closer to me on the seat. I looked into her face, which, when it wasn’t covered by her hair, was kind of nice. She wanted me to kiss her, I could tell from the way she leaned in, the way she looked at my lips. Feeling a little sick at the thought of kissing someone other than Jamie, I decided that there was no point putting off the inevitable. Working up my nerve, I took a deep breath. Just as the wheel began to move again and Brenda’s face fell in disappointment, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to hers.

It was so different than kissing Jamie; she was soft and delicate. Not sure what to do with my hands, I put one on her face as I would with Jamie, and I stroked her cheek with my fingers. She sighed a little and kissed me harder. The kiss didn’t turn me on, like it did when Jamie kissed me, but it was nice, comforting, in a way. We pulled away when the ride came to a stop again, and I smiled at her. She beamed at me, and then the operator opened the bar across our laps and I looked up. I saw Emma, practically bouncing as she stood next to a shocked-looking Jamie. He was pale and drawn, and even with the carefully strewn lights around him, I could tell that there were tears in his eyes.

For the briefest second I wanted to feel vindication, because seeing me kiss that girl, he knew how I felt when he was out with Emma, but I couldn’t. All I could feel was sadness. He looked heartbroken and even a little sick. In the time it took for Brenda and me to walk down the stairs and reach them, he had schooled his features into a mask. I could see the pain in his eyes, but on the outside he looked happy and ready for more fun.

I wasn’t sure how much more fun I could stand.