Enlightened (20 page)

“Let’s go farther downstream away from this mob scene,” he said in a low voice, grabbing a discarded Frisbee from the bank. We both reclined back to lie on top of the water, letting the current take us downstream. We stood up several hundred yards away from the group but could still see them. No one seemed to notice or care that we had drifted off.

One of us stood on either bank of the small, fairly shallow river, and we began to toss the disc back and forth. Jamie had made some truly spectacular catches, diving into the water on either side of him in order to grab it. After a while, we were laughing and grateful for the time we got to spend together outside of the sanctuary of our tree house. Nearly an hour later, we were both exhausted from playing in the water against the current. Hiking up the bank, we found an open patch of grass and lay down.

The beads of water glistening on his sun-kissed skin drew every bit of my focus. I watched as the water trailed a gentle, winding path down over his smooth chest. It took every measure of control I possessed not to lick it. Jamie turned onto his stomach, letting the sun warm his back, and I let my eyes wander over his damp skin, soft and supple in the fading sunlight. I followed the lines down his back, his side, until the curve of his hip disappeared into his low-riding swim trunks.

My God, he was beautiful.

I took several deep breaths in an attempt to get my growing erection to calm. It wouldn’t be good for someone to stumble upon us, lying less than a foot from each other while I was hard as granite. Desperate, I looked away from Jamie, burying my face in my arms. Lying on my stomach started to get uncomfortable, but I didn’t dare turn over.

“I… I think we need to get back in the water,” Jamie said in a strained voice. “The water is cold and I… I’m….”

“Me too,” I said with a slight chuckle. At least I wasn’t alone in my arousal. I was thrilled that I seemed to have the same effect on him, that he was as strongly attracted to me. I loved that I turned him on just by lying next to him in the grass. There was so much I wanted to do to him right now, but there was no way we could take the chance.

“Come on, then.” Jamie took my hand for just a minute to pull me up. He held it longer than necessary as we made our way over to the water. I was about to say something, worried that someone would see us, when he finally let go. Once again, we waded in up to our chests, the cool water soothing my hot skin, and I began to calm down. Jamie looked more relaxed as well and started a lazy forward crawl against the gentle current. I waited a moment so that we would not be too close and then followed, Frisbee in hand.

“Okay, guys, dry off and head back to the tents; you have about thirty minutes before dinner,” Pastor Ben called to the kids in the water as we rejoined the group.

Dinner consisted of chips, soda, and hot dogs cooked over the open flame of the campfire while Pastor Ben regaled us with tales of his youth trips with a church that he’d attended growing up in Wyoming. I didn’t pay strict attention to what he was saying but instead watched the spectacular sunset behind him as he spoke. Sitting on a collapsible camp chair, he was like the elder of the tribe while we sat on the ground looking up at him. Our paper plates sat precariously on our laps as we ate and paid tribute to his storytelling. The day was still warm, so the campfire was largely unneeded except to roast the hot dogs. The purpose it served was one of atmosphere, allowing us to come together as a group, as friends, and bond.

For one night, because of our lies of omission, we were accepted.

After a long, slow, tender kiss goodnight hidden in the confines of Jamie’s sleeping bag, I retreated to the opposite side of the tent. For an instant, it felt like banishment, and the sadness flooded through me. When we were lucky enough to be alone together, I was used to sleeping in Jamie’s arms. I had to be content to watch his moonlit profile from a distance. Sighing quietly to myself, I lay down in my sleeping bag and watched Jamie as he gazed at me. Lost in each other’s eyes, we finally fell asleep.

The next day was full of all kinds of activities that we participated in with the group. We seemed to be accepted by default. Even the social hierarchy that was prevalent at school didn’t exist here. The playing field was level. It must have been the “love thy fellow man, if he looks like you” church attitude radiating down from on high. By on high, I meant Pastor Ben, not God.

For once, we weren’t even picked last.

“Hey guys, let’s get washed up for dinner,” Pastor Ben said as our volleyball game came to a quick and decisive end with the spike from our six-foot-three center. We all headed up to the ranger station to wash up. The sense of camaraderie, of a brotherly friendship, a brotherly love, lasted for most of the night.

But as we know, all good things must come to an end.

While we were sitting around the campfire, Bobby told a ghost story, intending to frighten us, but that wasn’t the scariest part of the night. One of the other boys, Dale Parks, tripped on a branch in the dark on his way back from the bathroom and landed on Karl, knocking him flat with Dale sprawled precariously on top of him.

“Hey!” Karl shouted at the bewildered Dale while Bobby pulled the boy off of him. “What are you, some kind of fag?”

Of course, I doubted that Karl thought the boy was gay, but he was embarrassed and humiliated by having this guy on top of him. I suspected maybe he was a little aroused by the way Dale had moved against him in an attempt to extricate himself.

“Shut up, of course I’m not a fag. I tripped, you asshole,” Dale retorted, his flushed face perfectly illuminated by the firelight. He started toward Karl, and it looked like even though he was smaller, he intended to punch him. Bobby got up and pulled Karl behind him.

“Hey, it was an accident, right? Let’s just calm down,” Bobby said, putting a hand up to caution Dale from taking things any further. Another boy stood up. I didn’t know his name, but his face was alight with mischief and excitement.

“Speaking of fags, did you guys hear about Ray Andrews over in Dalton? Jimmy goes there, and he was just telling us.” He spoke quickly, indicating a grinning, mousy, sandy-haired boy at his feet. The rest of the boys stopped what they were doing to listen. Even Karl and Dale backed off and gave the story their attention. “He got caught jacking off in the locker room after gym. Apparently, he liked the sight of all the naked guys.” A collective sound of shock arose from the enraptured group. “Yeah, Jimmy said the kid’s parents were so ashamed that they pulled him out of school. They’re gonna send him to a special school for queers, try to cure him.”

“Goddamn fags,” Bobby said, sitting back down. “They should all just get AIDS and die, burn in hell like they deserve.” The matter-of-fact way in which he said it, the automated, programmed response coming from someone who, until minutes before, I might have considered a friend, made me sick. The worst part was when I looked over and saw Jamie nodding right along with them. As I caught his eye, he gave me a meaningful look, and I started to nod too. Of course we had to nod, of course we had to agree, to belong. Just as soon as I could safely do so, I excused myself from the group and went back to our tent. Jamie and I didn’t so much as kiss before going to bed; we just couldn’t take the risk.

The next morning, Jamie and I packed in silence. I had never been so relieved to be going home. Richard and Carolyn may have been foster parents, but I always felt safe with them. One wrong step with the brainwashed zealots, and we could have found ourselves drowning in that river. After that boy was tied to a fence in Wyoming, anything could happen to us.

Anything.

“
B
RIAN
, I’m going to the grocery store tomorrow; have you decided what you want for your birthday dinner?” I was startled out of my musings and looked up as Carolyn continued frying the chicken for supper on the stove.

“I hadn’t really thought about it. Whatever you want is fine with me,” I told her, somewhat distracted. Earlier in the week, Jamie had also asked about my birthday, only he had asked about a gift.
What more could I want for my birthday than him?
And then it came to me. I knew exactly what I wanted from Jamie for my birthday.

“Carolyn, can we have tacos?” I asked her, knowing that tacos were something very fast and easy to make and eat. I’d be able to get out of the house and over to Jamie’s for the night. Neither Jamie’s parents nor the Schreibers would take issue with me wanting to spend my birthday with my best friend. Only, they could not know what I was going to ask him to give me for a present.

“Sure, Brian, thanks for making it easy for me,” she said with a smile. “Want something quick because you have a hot date?” I almost choked on the soda I was drinking. With effort, I managed not to spew it all over the table.

“No, actually, I was planning to hang out with Jamie,” I told her in the most casual tone that I could conjure.

“You spend a lot of time with Jamie, I notice, to the exclusion of anyone else.”

Well, if that wasn’t a perfect opening.
Why was I so terrified of taking it?

Carolyn put a large silver cover over the frying pan she was using for the chicken, set the tongs down on the plastic spoon holder next to the stove, and came over to sit down at the table across from me. Her expression was kind as she watched me fidget in my seat. It was almost like she knew that I had something to tell her, but she didn’t prod or pressure me, she just waited. I stared at the table, the shiny polished surface reflecting the light from the setting sun shining in through the back door.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” I said with a sigh, not looking up.

“I might get upset, I might get angry, but you know that I’ll still care about you, right?” she asked, dipping her head down to catch my eye. I nodded. Intellectually, I knew that was true, but it didn’t make me any less afraid to tell her. I was definitely not ready to be “outed” yet, to be forcibly removed from the safety of my closet where it was nice and dark and comfortable. Everything that I needed was there: my dignity, the respect of my foster parents and friends, and Jamie’s love.
What would happen when the door of that closet was opened, with or without my permission, and a bright light was shined on my life, on my relationship with Jamie?
Even though I was only telling her, it felt like I was exposing everything in that closet to the world. Richard had already suspected before he’d brought me into his office to talk. Carolyn would be the first person that I had consciously chosen to tell. It was a huge distinction in my mind, and a deep line in the sand that felt like a chasm.

I took a deep breath.

“I think… No, it’s more than that…,” I started, fumbling over my words much like I’d fumbled over my words to Richard. Taking another breath, I ripped off the proverbial Band-Aid.

“I’m gay.”

I hung my head, unable to look at her. I kept my eyes on the table, preparing myself for the hurtful words that were sure to come. However, to my surprise, the tears didn’t fall from my eyes. The secret was out, and there was no taking it back.

“I’m very disappointed in you, Brian,” Carolyn said, and not only did her words convey that message, but I could hear it in her voice as well.

“Do you think I wanted this?” I asked incredulously. “Do you think I’m happy being some kind of freak? You can’t be any more disappointed in me for being gay than I already am in myself.” I started to get up from the table; her disapproval and disappointment were exactly the reason I hadn’t wanted to tell her and hurt more than I wanted to admit to myself.

“I’m not disappointed in you because you’re gay, Brian,” she said, and her voice was sharp, angry. “I’m disappointed because you’re ashamed of it.” I looked at her in surprise. “Since we brought you home, I have tried to teach you that you are someone to be proud of. Being gay, no matter what any of the small-minded people around here have to say, is nothing to be ashamed of. That’s the way that God made you, and I doubt that He’s ashamed of you.” Her voice softened again as I sat back down at the table.

“It’s Jamie, isn’t it?” she asked with a small smile, and I nodded. “I always wondered… I’m glad that you’ve found someone that you care about. It’s something that I always wanted for you because you’ve been so alone. I knew the first day you brought him home from school with you that you would be very close. He’s a good boy.” She patted my hand as she stood up to go back to the stove. All of the fear and the procrastination in telling her were for nothing.

“He is that,” I said, a grin on my face since she’d first said his name.

“Are you staying over there on your birthday?” she asked, trying for casual but only achieving mildly curious. I nodded, explaining that the Mayfields had already cleared it if it was okay with her. “It’s fine with me. I’m glad that it will be something special for you.”

I certainly hoped that it would be special. There was only one thing that I had asked of Jamie for my birthday. He was hesitant, but he hadn’t said no. I think he understood that it was the next logical step in our relationship.

More than anything else on earth, what I wanted was for us to make love.

Chapter 10