Enlightened (27 page)
It was a few days after our return from the hospital and Nathan had been growing noticeably more and more distant around me. I’d thought that perhaps he was just coming to terms with his near-death experience, but he also hadn’t touched me sexually since our liaison in his hospital bed, a fact which was intensifying my worry to almost insanely high levels. I’d tried my best to leave him alone, assuming that he was still recuperating and catching up on work after missing a full week, but it was only five days until we would be heading off for Nicholas and Rebecca’s wedding, and I was getting worried that the tension was going to carry on until we left.
This morning however, I decided I couldn’t bear to let the strain go on any longer, so I finally gave in and wandered along to his study to see if he wanted to talk. To my surprise, and concern, he wasn’t behind his desk as I’d expected and I immediately started to panic. Searching the apartment I finally found Nathan in his bedroom, standing and staring out of the picture window, with his back to me and one hand dug deep into his trouser pocket.
Pausing inside the doorway unnoticed, I admired the beautiful view of his broad shoulders through the form fitting shirt and the lovely outline of his bum in his work trousers, before noticing his side profile and the frown that had been on his brows for days. ‘Hey you,’ I murmured softly, and even though he immediately turned at the sound of my voice it seemed to take Nathan several seconds to break from his thoughts as he stood there silently blinking at me, his face almost completely blank of any discernible emotion.
His peculiar behaviour made me feel decidedly on edge, and I crossed my arms over my chest as I began to fidget on the spot. ‘You’ve been quiet the last few days. Everything OK?’ I asked hesitantly.
Seeming to wake from whatever trance he’d been stuck in Nathan’s eyes narrowed and focused on my mouth, which I now realised was partaking in some illegal lip chewing, then stepping around the bed he began prowling towards me smoothly like a panther. Even with the tension of the last few days I found that just these simple but overtly dominant movements had my heartbeat rocketing with arousal. Coming to stand directly before me Nathan immediately raised his good hand and used his thumb and forefinger to ease my lip from between my teeth, quietly clicking his tongue in disapproval as he did so.
I must have subconsciously started chewing on it without even realising
, I thought, as a flush of guilt coloured my cheeks. Even with Nathan’s attempts to break the habit which he so hated, it seemed I still resorted to it in times of nervousness.
Fully expecting a chastisement, or perhaps even a punishment, for my breach of his rules, I was rather surprised when he instead just rubbed the pad of his thumb thoughtfully over my lip and leant forward to place a swift kiss on my mouth.
Letting out an almost inaudible sigh he stepped back and rested himself on the edge of a set of drawers, folding his sling across his chest and tucking his free hand back into his trouser pocket, continuing to stare at me with that penetrating blue gaze of his.
‘I’ll admit that I’ve been feeling a little off kilter, Stella.’ He paused and raised a hand to rub at the stubble of his jaw thoughtfully, but sensing he wasn’t finished yet, I stayed quiet, observing him with growing apprehension. ‘This situation has somewhat thrown me,’ he said, indicating between himself and my barely rounded, but pregnant, stomach, with a flick of his wrist.
A tingle of fear slithered up my spine. He was still concerned about the baby? I thought we’d cleared all of this up in the hospital. Not to mention all the huge decisions we’d made to live together recently – he’d said he wanted to build us a house for God’s sake, surely he wasn’t changing his mind about that, was he? Swallowing loudly I felt a ball of nerves erupt in my stomach that must have reflected on my face because Nathan was instantly at my side again, placing his strapped arm on my lower back to steady me, and the other protectively on my belly as he gazed down at me in concern.
‘Are you looking forward to the wedding next week, Stella?’ he asked in a low tone, his apparent change in topic totally confusing me. He looked like he was about to impart some hideously awful news and then he asks me if I’m excited about the wedding? Did I miss something? Uncertain where he was going with this all I nodded slightly, ‘Uh, well, yes, your brother is getting married to one of my closest friends, of course I’m excited.’
Nodding, Nathan began chewing on his lip again to the point where he must surely have broken the skin, then running a hand through his hair he glanced distractedly at his watch, before gazing at me apprehensively. ‘Look, I know you need to get to work, so this isn’t ideal timing, but there’s a couple of things I need to discuss with you, Stella.’
I was working from home today, but I didn’t get around to mentioning that because he was scaring the crap out of me with his mysterious comments – talk about keeping me in suspense! My stomach had basically bottomed out about five minutes ago and now all I could do was stand there like an idiot and try not to fall over from the tension that surrounded us.
‘Please try and relax, Stella, I’m sorry, I’m not wording this very well …’ Letting out a frustrated breath he licked his lips, and then tried his explanation again, ‘You’ve probably already gathered this, but I need to confess that I’m not really a fan of the marriage thing …’ Shaking his head he dropped his gaze, ‘Nicholas obviously wants it, which is fine, but personally I don’t see why people make such a big fuss of it, and to be honest, after witnessing my parents’ joke of a marriage I just see it all as a bit farcical.’
Pausing to draw in a long deep breath Nathan stepped closer to me and met my gaze. ‘The thing is, I’m concerned that it’s something you might want … especially with the baby coming …’ Running a hand through his hair again Nathan grimaced and let out a hissed breath, before taking my hand and practically dragging me to his office where he gently settled me on the sofa.
Instead of speaking straight away Nathan took a moment to pace up and down his office, his bandaged arm hanging loosely in its sling, but his good arm raised to his mouth as he chewed nervously on the nail. ‘
Fuck!’
he cursed, and then swung to stare at me. ‘Look, if I’m honest then I’m scared shitless that you’re going to leave me if I don’t want to get married, Stella,’ he stated in a frustrated, quivering voice. I was about to try to calm his fears with some soothing words – after all, I’d suspected this about him for some while and it didn’t bother me, but he stopped me with a small shake of his head as he withdrew an envelope from his briefcase.
‘In my old life as a Dominant it would have been assumed I would make you go through an official ceremony with a collar to show that you were my submissive,’ he paused, joining me on the sofa as he reached across to touch the necklace that he’d given me in place of a collar. I loved it and hadn’t removed since the day he’d given it to me – apart from when
he
had removed it, but that was a misunderstanding that was well and truly behind us now. ‘You’re helping me move on from that lifestyle, but I want this,’ he said, flapping the envelope in his hand. ‘I want
you,
Stella.’
While I had no idea what the papers were, his words about wanting me at least helped to relax my tense shoulders, as did his next move, when he took my hand and looked me straight in the eye. ‘I’m was wondering if we might be able to compromise … again,’ he added dryly.
Compromise? I was completely lost now, so trying to keep up with his train of thought I gazed at the envelope in his hand. Clearing his throat Nathan removed several sheets of paper. ‘The fact that I don’t want to marry you doesn’t lessen my commitment to you, Stella, please don’t think that …’ Once again he moved in an agitated fashion on the sofa, almost seeming like he didn’t know what to do with himself, a complete contrast to his usual control.
After gnawing on his bottom lip Nathan finally dropped his gaze from mine, but his body remained tense, which didn’t ease my nerves at all. Clearing his throat Nathan finally looked up at me. ‘Fuck … I’m really bad as vocalising this stuff. Just read this,’ he said, opening the envelope and removing a single sheet of paper.
Confused, I let my eyes drift down to the paper in my hands, an official looking document with the heading ‘Voguel and Brand Solicitors’ across the top in elegant gold font and I immediately frowned. Above the start of the typed section was a gap with a handwritten message that I immediately recognised as Nathan’s writing, so taking a breath I tried to steady my trembling hand and read.
Stella,
I struggle to describe the way I feel about you out loud, but you need to know this – you are my friend, partner, lover, soulmate, saviour, mother of my unborn child … you are all of these to me, and yet so, so much more. You are it for me, my one, and my only. My present and my future until the day I die. Never have I been surer of anything in my life. You own my heart, body, and soul.
I love you, and so much more.
Yours always, Nathan
A lump the size of a tennis ball rose in my throat and as my eyes misted with tears I looked up to find Nathan staring at me, awaiting my response, his face at once both excited and apprehensive. ‘Read on, Stella, then we’ll talk,’ he whispered. Nodding jerkily I was immensely glad that I hadn’t done my make-up yet as I tried to blink away the tears that were threatening to spill down my cheeks. Drawing in a long breath I turned my eyes back to the paper.
In italics was a sub heading that stated ‘Contractual agreement between Mr Nathaniel Peter Jackson and Miss Stella Louise Marsden’. The words that followed were full of legal terminology and jargon, but the more I read it, the clearer it became that this was an exclusivity contract. Crikey. Reading on it stated that Nathan and I would be an exclusive as a couple, just without a marriage certificate. His one stipulation was that my necklace would be upgraded, again, to one with a lock on the back that only he had a key for. At first this sounded a bit bizarre to me, but as I thought about it I knew it was fairly common practice at Club Twist for Doms to lock a collar around the neck of their long-term subs. Mulling it over I realised just what a huge statement something like this was for Nathan, a bit like his version of a wedding ring. He wanted to lock himself to me, and I smiled, deciding that I rather liked his version of compromise.
As well as stating that we would for all intents and purposes live together as man and wife, it then went on to say that I was granted full access to Nathan’s money, and should we spilt for any reason I would receive half of his net worth. Holy heck. To be honest it was all quite overwhelming.
Seeing me frown as I read one particular clause Nathan moved to my side to read over my shoulder. ‘Ah,’ he murmured, his mood seeming to lift slightly as he placed a hand on my waist and pulled me closer to him possessively, ‘I might not want to tie you to me with a formal marriage, but I’m also a hypocrite … I want our baby to have my surname, and you as well if you’ll agree. I would very much like you to change your name to Jackson, Stella … People need to know you’re mine.’
Blinking, I found myself speechless, something of a rarity for me. ‘I understand it’s not a marriage certificate, but what do you say? Will you sign it? Make us official?’
I was silent, still trying to deal with just how much of a big deal this was for someone like Nathan and feeling a little lost for words.
Apparently taking my silence as hesitation Nathan took my hand and held my gaze, ‘I’m not the marrying kind, Stella, I would never want you trapped with me if things don’t work out, but that doesn’t mean I’m not fully committed to you.’ My heart clenched at his self-doubt, the fact that he thought he’d be trapping me to him was an obvious sign that he worried that one day he might turn out to be like his father. It seemed I had more faith in him than he did himself.
‘Actually, before you sign …’ He dug around in the envelope again, awkwardly shifting things with his one hand, and then removed a second piece of paper which he clutched tightly. ‘This is part two. Perhaps you should read it before you make your decision.’
Part two? There was
more
? I was completely gobsmacked, he’d just laid his heart on the line and basically done his own version of a proposal, and now he expected me to be able to read another piece of frigging paper? I wanted to jump up and down and scream my delight, not bloody read an essay! Clearing his throat, Nathan seemed to pause as he considered how to begin. ‘Before you read, let me explain … I’m a very sexual man …’ Describing him as ‘very sexual’ was such an understatement that I nearly laughed out loud, but curiosity about what he might say next kept me quiet. ‘As long as you are willing and in the mood, I intend for us to continue to have sex during your pregnancy, but …’
This time his pause lasted far longer than I was expecting, what the heck was the ‘but’ for? B
ut only if you’re not too fat? But only if I still find you attractive?
But, but, but … So many thoughts were flying through my brain that my eyebrows rose so high they probably touched my hairline. ‘But?’ I finally questioned weakly, almost dreading his reply.
‘
But
, I need to know you will be safe at all times.’ Almost reluctantly Nathan moved his hand from my stomach and ran it across my hair, pushing some loose strands back behind my ears as he did so. ‘I’ve never felt like this about anyone before, Stella, I won’t risk harming you, or our baby.’
Blinking in surprise at his miniature outpouring of emotions I relaxed further now that I could see the direction of his thoughts and realised this was what he’d been talking about in the hospital when he said we’d need stipulations. ‘The nurse told us sex was fine, Nathan, there’s nothing to worry about,’ I said, soothing a hand across his toned forearm.
Nodding slowly Nathan picked up the second piece of paper that he had retrieved from his briefcase earlier. ‘I know, but let’s face it, Stella, we might not have a written contract anymore, but some of the things we do together go way beyond normal sex.’ Pausing, he drew in a deep breath, ‘I’m more excited about your pregnancy than I even know how to vocalise,’ he admitted as he gently stroked my stomach with a small smile flickering at the corners of his lips. ‘It’s just that I’ve always lived by a code. Control is a big thing to me, as you know, my rules have always featured in my life and I’m just having a little trouble adapting.’
