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My phone keeps
vibrating from all the missed messages but I didn’t reply back. I can’t. I don’t want to move and I don’t want to live.

My life is
over.

All those rumors in school
made someone rape me.

How can I live with that?

I feel my body getting bruised as I lay here, trying to forget about what just happened. I don’t even remember him letting me loose. I just remember the words, “If you tell anyone what happened, I’ll kill you.” As he left, I thought about why he didn’t just kill me then and there. I don’t want to go around living a lie, being happy when I’m miserable. I can’t tell anyone. I have no doubt in my mind that he’ll kill me. I don’t care though. He should have. I don’t know how people deal with this. I don’t know how
I
can deal with this. He went after me two nights in a row. He raped me.

I tried
to block out what I did when he left. Don’t judge me. When something like this happens, you don’t think. You just act.

I acted and it didn’t work.

I can keep it a secret though. No one will know. No one except me.

I
stared out at the dark window.

***

I heard noise
downstairs so I got up and tied the sweatpants tighter around my waist. I ran over to my bathroom and hid in there with my phone in my hands dialing 911. Why didn’t I call them when he left?

“Emily?”
I sighed in relief. It’s my sister, Scarlett. I put my phone in my pocket and met her in my room. She had a flashlight pointed at me. “I found her!” She yelled. “What are you doing in there?”

“I heard something downstairs. I didn’t know what it was. I was about to call 911.”
I said. She laughed and told me to go downstairs. Typical Scar, always making fun of me. I grabbed Alex’s sweater from the side of my bed and put it on. I don’t want her or anyone else to see my wrists. I don’t want to see my wrists. They look worse now.

“The power’s out. Some electrical surge down the street. Everyone on this block is completely in the dark.”
She said. If only she knew it probably wasn’t a freak accident, it was probably him. “Mom’s mad that you didn’t come home last night. Another party?” Scarlett glanced over at me and pointed the flashlight in my direction. I blocked my eyes with my hand.

“Yeah,
but I didn’t get drunk. I spent the night at Tiffany’s.” I lied.

“Her family hates you.”
Scar said.

I rolled my eyes. She doesn’t need to rub it in.

When we got downstairs I saw Mom and my brother lighting up candles. “Emily, where have you been? I was worried sick!” Mom said when she saw me. Declan looked over at me and smiled. I haven’t talked to him in a while. He says he’s busy with school. Same thing with Scar. We only talk when they’re home from college.

“I was over Tiffany’s.
Bryan drove us there because she got a little drunk. I wanted to make sure she was fine.” I lied.

“Yeah, Tiffany was drunk.”
Mom rolled her eyes at me. Wow, thanks. “Help your brother light some candles.” She had that pissed off voice. Scarlett and Mom went to another room most likely to bitch about me.

“You should take it easy on her.” Declan said. “She’s happy about the move, but she’s sad that we have nothing. Scarlett and I can’t go to college anymore
, Em. The college fund is gone. It’s bad and you acting up like this…” He shook his head.

“I’
m telling the truth!” Not really. “Tiffany was drunk. Do I look like I have a hangover?” I don’t like lying to my brother but I don’t want him to know what really happened. Who knows what he would do. Declan’s big for his age. He spends all his time in the gym.

“You look like shit. I don’t buy that story
either. You’re wearing men’s clothes and by the looks of it, they’re not mine.” He said.

“
These are old. They were Zach’s… I kept them because they’re comfy. That’s not a nice way to treat your sister either. You could at least lie and say I look nice.” I said. I didn’t mention these were Alex’s clothes. He would just assume something, just like everyone else does. I elbow shoved him in the arm playfully to let him know I’m not mad. He did it back but to the side where the cut is. I turned away in pain so he wouldn’t see it. Damn.

“When was the last time you ate? The fridge isn’t working. Let’s
get some pizza.” He said grabbing Mom’s keys and steering me to the door. Declan let his friend from school stay with his car until he got back from college. I guess it’s sooner than he would have liked. Scarlett and my mom were to busy chatting and didn’t notice us leave through the front door.

“I don’t want to
go anywhere. You go by yourself.” I snapped.

“What?
Em, come on, let’s go.” He said.

“No, seriously. I just want to go to bed and sleep. I didn’t get a good nights rest for days. I have a test at sc
hool Monday. I need to study.” I turned back to the front door. I shouldn’t act like this but I can’t help it. I’m hurting in the inside and I just want to be alone.

“Why are you acting like this? You would have jumped at the idea of leaving the house
. Especially being here alone with mom all the time.” Declan said shoving his hands in his pockets.

“I’m not the same anymore
, Declan. A lot has changed. Get the pizza and hurry back home.” I said. I went back inside and went straight to my room. I found my iHome and hit play. Thank God its battery operated. I need music right now.

What I said to Declan
is true.
I’m not the same anymore!
I can see it clearly. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth again. When I put the toothpaste away, I knocked something in my medicine cabinet. I grabbed it and walked into my room, toward the window. It’s a bottle of prescription pills. It was hiding behind all my other things in there I guess. I thought about the cut and it’s hurting. But I can’t…not after what happened this summer and not after what I just tried to do. Painkillers wouldn’t be a good idea.

I
’m past that though. Whatever, fuck it.

I took a pill out of the bottle and swallowed it down with water.
That should help.
I went back to bed and stared out at my window, same as I did every night. Only tonight was different. I wasn’t looking out at what tomorrow can bring. I’m staring out at what could have been.

Florence
and the Machine’s voice filled the silence in my room.

I put th
e painkillers on my nightstand and I stared at them for a while, deciding whether or not to take them. Maybe enough for all this to be over. For my body to stop hurting. Maybe these would work. Maybe I can end this. All of it. Will it be enough?

As I reached for the bottle
, my bedroom door opened. I dropped my hand just as fast and shut my eyes.

“I brought the pizza. Come down
.” Declan said. I didn’t answer. I pretended to be asleep instead. I’m not in the mood to go downstairs. I’m not in the mood to be with my family. I’m not in the mood for anything. The bed dipped under his weight. “Emily?” He waited for an answer. I heard him put something on my nightstand. He got up and pulled the comforter over me, kissed my head and said, “Goodnight, Em.” He left the music playing and I found it soothing. I drifted off into a real sleep.

***

I woke up the next morning feeling better than I did last night but it wasn’t much. I turned over to see what Declan left behind and found a note beside a brown paper bag. “I hope you still like blueberry.” I grabbed the bag and peeked inside to find a blueberry muffin. I smiled and thought about how long it’s been. We use to go to the bakery every Sunday and get muffins. Once Declan went to college, we stopped doing everything altogether.

It’s been a whole day since I had last eaten. I
wanted to take my time with the muffin, to savor every delicious bite but I couldn’t so I just stuck the whole thing in my mouth and chewed. My cheeks were puffed up and I smiled. Declan use to tell me I looked like a squirrel hiding nuts to bring back to their home when I did this.

I took a shower and changed my bandage. It hurt less when Alex did it
and I blame it on him being distracting.

I put on my robe and sat on my bed.
I should do something, right? I should go to the police. No, I just took a shower. How would that help find the guy? I don’t even want to go to the police. I just want to forget that Saturday night ever happened.

I grabbed my phone and saw that Bryan and Tiffa
ny were texting and calling non-stop. I read them and finally replied back. They’ll get offended if I don’t. I honestly don’t care though.

Me:
Hey guys, sorry I didn’t get back to you. Been really busy about the move and all. I decided I’m going to stay with Mrs. Diaz so don’t worry about me. I’ll be back. Talk later!

Pretending to be okay is easy.

Almost instantly they both texted back.

Tiffany:
God Em, you can NOT leave a party and NOT call us to say where you are. WTF?!!!!!

Bryan
: Em, what were you thinking? When I went to the room with Tiffany you were gone and everyone said you left with Alex???!!!!

Me
: I’m fine. Don’t worry. I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m helping everyone pack. P.S. They’re leaving before my birthday!!! :( Gotta go.

I decided I am going to stay because I will find him. I am not going t
o let him do this to me and runaway. What if he does this to another girl? He took away my life by violating me but I still have my dignity.

Just th
e thought of him ruined my mood so I put my phone down and went downstairs. My family in the kitchen and I was thankful I remembered to wear Alex’s sweater to cover up my wrists.

Good for you, you deserve a medal.
I thought.

“
Dec tried to wake you up but you wouldn’t budge.” Scarlett said a little too happily.

“Why are you so happy?” I
asked taking a seat next to Declan. I saw there were pancakes on the counter so I grabbed one but it was hard. I dropped it back on the plate. Awesome.

“Em
, everything worked out fine and we can get everything out to Seattle by the end of the week.” Mom said.

Even better. My family will leave me to fend for myself.

“I saw a picture of the house. It’s great. It’s prettier and bigger than this one.” said Scarlett.

I rolled my eyes at the thoug
ht of my family leaving at the end of the week. My birthday’s in less then two weeks. I know I’m being selfish. “Did you talk to Mrs. D-Rachel yet? I decided I’m going to stay with her until I graduate.” I said. Declan put his hand on mine and frowned.

“
You’re going to stay behind? I was looking forward to spending some time together.” He said. We always had a special bond. I miss it.

I looked at him apologetically.
Well that makes two of us.

“I couldn’t get a hold of her. If you see at her school tell her. I will keep tryi
ng to reach her.” Mom cut in.

“I’m going to study for a test.” I
lied because I don’t want to be here right now. Near happy people who want to move and start fresh. How can someone start fresh when their life was completely destroyed?

I
took a Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino from the fridge and headed to my room. I’m not in the mood for family time. I got my books out and made it look like I was studying. I opened my curtains and let the sunlight come in. I even opened the window for some fresh air. I went to lie down on my bed and looked out at the birds in the trees. They looked happy. I saw the mother bird feeding its babies. I almost smiled.

My phone chimed.
I went to reach for it and expected Tiffany or Bryan to be texting about the move. It was Unknown.

Unknown
: Emily, you look beautiful this Sunday morning. Didn’t tell anyone yet? You’re good at keeping secrets/ Nobody can help you, just wanted to remind you.

My eye
s widened. How did he get my number? I shouldn’t be surprised. He knows everything. I got up quickly and peeked outside. I shut my window and made sure all of them were locked tight. I looked outside again and found no one. Great. He has me where he wants me. Trapped.

I shut the curtains and went back to bed.

I shut my eyes and made myself go to sleep. I put it in my mind that I will find him, even if I die trying. Because inside, I’m already dead. I don’t know how other people feel after this happens to them but I feel numb. Worthless. I don’t feel like me so I feel like a nobody.

I will hunt him d
own and I will take care of it.

He will not get away with this.

***

I woke up at three in the morning, took a shower and put clothes on. I don’t feel like going to school but if Mom couldn’t get in touch with Mrs. Diaz, I have to go to school and tell her.