Entrelacen (10 page)

Dear Universe,
For once I thought I could actually be happy. I
found (well he found me) this amazing guy that I
thought was going to be my forever. He turned out to
be just like everyone else, not the knight I hoped he
was going to be. Maybe that’s why It’s all falling
apart? Is it possible that I sabotage everything before I
give it a chance to be something more? Sounds like
me. I’ve been really emotional lately. I can’t keep any
food down, and it’s been a few months since I’ve had
my…. Wait can that mean that I’m … there’s no
way…

It had been a few days since James and I
talked. I decided to give him some space, but I kept
getting this overwhelming feeling that something was
going on behind my back, a feeling that’s usually
right. I had to know what was going on, so I typed out
a message on Myspace.

Hey James. I keep getting this feeling that
something is going on behind my back. Maybe we
rushed into this relationship too quickly. I love you
and want things to work out, but there’s something
going on that you’re not telling me. Remember when
we first got together? I asked you to tell me if you ever
got tired of being with me instead of cheating. I think
you need space away from me to figure out if I’m what
you want. I need to know that when you say you love
me, you actually mean it. We’ve gone from talking
every day to not at all. That’s a big indicator to me
that you’re seeing someone else. I don’t play games,
so just be real with me. If you are, then say you are
and be done. Don’t string me along. I won’t call you
until you call me and let me know what you decide.

Sent.
I could have possibly made the biggest
mistake ever. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I
was overreacting, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling
that he wasn’t being totally honest with me. Maybe he
wasn’t cheating, but I knew he was on his way there. I
could feel it. I didn’t get a call from him, but I did get
a reply to my message a few days later.

April, you are overreacting like always, and
I’m tired of you always tripping on me. It sounds like
you’re the one that needs the space. You know I work
a lot, and I don’t get home until late and crash out as
soon as I get there. I can’t do this anymore. I know it
makes me look like a little bitch to do this over the
computer, but if I hear your voice, I would change my
mind. It’s over.

How pathetic! Was he really breaking up with
me over the internet? Whatever.
Dear Diary,
I wish I could say I have some good news for
a change, but I don’t. James broke up with me on
Myspace. Lame, right? The crazy thing is I’m not
even sad about it, I mean I should be, right?! We’ve
known each other for over 2 years, were actually
together for months, and planned to get married... I
didn’t cry... I think for some reason I always knew we
weren’t the forever kind. I hoped, but I knew it wasn’t
right. I wrote a new poem for the first time in a really
long time. I don’t even know who it’s about, maybe a
little bit of James and some of Brian.

A Summer Day
Eyes transparent, no feeling there
A steady gaze that goes nowhere

A wandering mind that drifts away
Lost in the innocence of a summer day.
Motionless clouds, no windblown trees

Lifeless grass, unbearable heat
Playground equipment old and unused
Tattered and beaten all abused.
Children’s laughter has disappeared
Loneliness is all that settles here
A wandering mind that drifts away
Lost in the innocence of a summer day.
No birds chirping, no glorious sounds
Dusk is coming, the sun goes down
Orange and red fills the skies
Mimics the fire in her eyes.
Night has fallen, darkness descends
Street lights lighten all around
Shadows are playing with her mind
Silence befalls her, she’s all alone.
Hatred resides in her soul
For he has made this so
A wondering mind drifts away
Lost in the innocence of a summer day

It’s a little depre
ssing, but it speaks the truth
on how I feel. I’ve missed writing. I think it’s time to
start some new hobbies. Leona Lewis has a song titled
“Better in Time”. It’s become my mantra with this
break up. It finally started sinking in after the poem
was written down. Maybe it’s about James. A few
tears fall, but I won’t let it consume me. He made the
choice. It’s time I moved on.

My friends tried to bring me out of the funk I
had settled in. They didn’t realize that it was just
because I was questioning myself. They thought it
was about him. I made it a point to smile more and
talk like normal, but nothing was the same. I had a
secret that no one knew. It’s the reason why I was
standing off to the side, alone in a crowd. My mom
didn’t even know that I was pregnant. I know she had
her suspicions, but I never confirmed nor denied it.
No one ever knew. No one ever would. About a month
after we broke up, I had some intense cramping. I
didn’t know it at the time, but I had a miscarriage.
James never knew he was going to be a father. My
mom never knew she was going to be a grandma. I
never got the chance to tell them. Everything that
James and I talked about could have happened. Did I
blame him for the miscarriage? Sometimes I did. I
think the added stress wasn’t good for me or the baby,
but I also know everything happens for a reason.

I was lying on my bed fighting the
urge to fall asleep. My body was so
exhausted, and my mind was playing
tricks on me. My dreams had progressed a
little. They had gotten even creepier, if
that's possible. Coffee was my new best
friend. I practically lived on the stuff. If I
could inject the caffeine straight into my
blood stream, I probably would have. A
coffee IV would have been awesome.

Mom was starting to hover. She saw
that I was not sleeping well, but she
couldn't do anything to help me. I knew it
was killing her to see me go through this.
She had talked to Agatha many times,
even going as far as having her come over
to try to cleanse the house. Nothing made
a difference, hence the lack of sleep. I was
so glad I had decided to graduate early.
There’s no way I would have been able to
function at school with the lack of sleep.

Have you changed your mind yet?”
“I have told you every time you ask
that my decision isstillthe same. What
don’t you understand?”
“I understand that you are a fool.”
“Well that’s just rude. You don’t see
me calling you names.”
I’mstandingon the street lookingat
him from acrossthe road. Then the vision
shifts. Usually we’reat that field whereI
see my mother’s bloody body, but this
time it’s different. Now I’m standing in
front of the cemetery.
“Why did you bring me to the
cemetery?”
“Go see for yourself Logan. I told
you sidingagainst uswould bringmisery
and pain.”
Iwalk throughthe gatesof the
cemetery, andmy sensesare on overdrive.
The fog is so thick that it’s hard to make
out anything, letalone see if anythingis
comingat me. I notice the Angelstatuein
the middle of afewdozenplotsfirst. It’s
absolutely beautiful.The contrast of the
white marble withitsdullsurroundingsis
astounding. The grassisadeathly brown,
andthe gravestonesare adepressinggrey.
Noflowersadorn anyburialsite. Love is
absent; only deathremains. My feet take
me tothe angel, whoisbeckoningme
forward. Once Imake it, the foglifts, and
the moon isshiningon the angelproviding
aspotlight.
Renee Mathews
Born April2, 1958
Died February 16, 2012
Beloved Mother andFriend
“You brought me here to see my
mother’s grave?”
“Not just your mother’s. There are
plenty of others if you keep looking.”
“No. I’llnotjoin you whether my
mother diesor lives, whether my father
diesor lives, whether my best friend dies
or lives. It’smy choice, and thoughit
would hurt me tosee them go, withthe
exception of my father, they would want
me to do what’s right.”
“You are an idiot Logan. This all
could beavoided and their livesspared.
How can you say that is the wrong
choice?”
“I’m done with this illusion. Come
formeif you must. I’mready.”
“Four days.”
Those words echoed inside my head
even after I woke up. I had four days to... I
didn't even know. It was possible that I
would die on my 18
^th
birthday, and my
mom would die with me. The ironic thing
is that the only regret I would have is
never knowing love. It’s funny when you
prepare yourself to die. You think about all
the things you are going to miss out on.
I got up and got ready. I started out
with my normal 5 mile run. When I made
it back to the house, I headed down to the
basement. One of the days I was staying
inside to avoid my issues with anger, I
ventured down to the basement. It was
not the typical basement you see. It was
complete. You could live down there, but
what I liked about it was the fact that it
had workout machines and a punching
bag. That’s how I spent those long days
taking out my anger.
The next couple of nights I actually
got some sleep. That worried me more
than the nightmares. I got up to start my
normal routine and noticed mom wasn't
around. I looked for her, but she was
nowhere in the house. I called her cell. No
answer. It was two days until my
birthday. It was starting. I could feel it. I
got dressed and headed over to Agatha’s
house. She was outside sitting in the chair
on the porch with worry etched in her
face.
“I know boy. I’m truly sorry and
wish I could bring her back here, but as
luck would have it, I have no idea where
they took her.”
“How do you know she’s gone, and
why didn’t they just take me?”
“They want you to come to them.
They hope taking your mother, the only
person you love, will send you running to
them.”
“Obviously they don’t know me like
they think they do.”
“Your mother prepared you for
what’s to come, told you to get over it,
and am I right?”
“Not in those words exactly, but yes.
The dreams of me seeing her dead also
gave me ideas of what was to become of
her. The last dream I had though sealed
the coffin for me.”
“You’ll get through this boy. I know
you will be a legal adult in a few days, but
you are never alone. I made a promise to
your momma that I would watch after
you, and I’ll keep that promise.”
“Thanks Agatha. I need to make a
call to my friend just in case I don’t
survive for some reason.”
I went inside and called D. She
didn't answer, so I left her a brief message
saying I was glad we met and that she
was the best friend anyone could ask for. I
wished her luck on her last year as a
senior and said that I would talk to her
soon.
Tonight was the night. I could feel
the energy pulsing around me, the
darkness stirring within me. The beast was
alive tonight, and it would find release,
just not in the way they thought it would.
Darkness descended, and the lights
faded out. I put on a hoodie and some
jeans. I took a look around the house,
wishing I had taken more time to
appreciate the things around me. I
stepped into my Nike shoes and walked
out the door, possibly for the last time.
Agatha was outside. I gave her a nod, and
she returned it. I could feel her eyes on
my back as I walked down the street to
face my destiny. I was terrified but calm.
The odd combination of emotions swirled
inside of me, sharpening my focus. I knew
once I got to the end of Gillespie, by the
abandoned house, I would see my mother,
but she wouldn’t see me.
I saw the light in the house again,
but I knew it was a trick to try to surprise
me. Instead of going toward it, I walked
over to the field, by the hole where the
blood was bubbling up from and saw her. I
bent down to push her hair out of her
face, place a kiss on her forehead, and let
a few tears slide down my face and drop
onto hers. “I love you mom. I know you
are going to watch over me, and I’ll try to
do everything I can to make you proud. I
know these last few years have been hard
on us both, but I wouldn’t change
anything. Goodbye. I’ll see you again.”
I stood up and turned around. I
could feel his presence all around me. The
chill in the air alerted me to him being
there.
“How sweet. You came to say
goodbye to your precious mommy. You
could have avoided that, you know?
Mommy could still be here right now if
you would have just joined me.”
“Let’s get on with this, shall we?"
“Always so eager and impatient
Logan. Do you even know what you are
supposed to do?”
“Obviously not, but it doesn’t seem
like you do either. Otherwise you wouldn’t
have to try to get a rise out of me, unless
that’s what is supposed to happen. Is that
what you were sent here to do, provoke
my anger?”
“Poor little boy, you think you have
it all figured out don’t you? You are sadly
mistaken. Choices, Logan, it all revolves
around choices.”
“I really don’t feel like sitting here
listening to your crap and trying to
decipher what you are getting at, so can
we just get to the point please?”
“As you wish. I’ll give you three
choices. Pick the wrong one, and you must
come with me. Pick the right one, and
you’ll go free.”
That sounded too easy. There had to
be a catch.
“Okay. Bring on the options.”
“This is the situation: There are
going to be two fires taking place at the
exact same time within a block of each
other. You can only go to one location.
What location do you choose? Location one
has your mother and your best friend
Deandra, who can’t get out of the
apartment building right across the street
from the elementary school. Location two
contains everyone at the elementary
school down the street from where we’re
right now. They’re missing a few students
who are believed to be trapped inside.
What do you do Logan?”
“I go to the school and run inside to
try to find the kids that are missing.”
“Why?”
“I love my mom and my best friend.
Though I would be really upset they had
to die, the kids at the school are more
important because they have their whole
lives ahead of them. I would sacrifice
myself to save them.”
“Well I guess we will see what
happens, now won’t we?”
I heard screaming at first from two
different locations. People at the school on
my left were running around frantically
and screaming for kids that no one could
find. On my right, Deandra and mom
were begging me to save them. I ran
towards the school. No hesitation, no
backward glance, no regrets. I made it
into the school. It was filled with smoke.
Fire was rapidly spreading from room to
room, and it was hard to make out
anything in the thickness of the smoke.
I heard crying in the room on my
left. I opened the door and started
searching under tables and desks. I made
it to the back of the classrooms and heard
the crying again. I opened the cabinets,
and there sat two little girls. I told them
to stay low to the floor and follow me. I
got them to the door of the school. I
opened it and sent them out. The officer
told me there were still two more missing
students, so I turned around to begin
searching again. There was nothing in the
room up front, which meant I needed to
go to the back by the fire.
I found one room that had not been
touched by the fire yet, but the fire was
getting close. I pushed open the door. I
saw a little boy and girl lying on the floor
holding each other by the hand. They
looked like brother and sister; I picked
them up and made my way back to the
door. It was getting really hard to
breathe.
I managed to open the door right
before I collapsed.