Evangelina Green (18 page)

She knew she shouldn’t
stare but his jeans fit him so well and poor baby, they were really
tight now. He had to really be uncomfortable. She knew how his
penis felt in her hand and how huge it was. Shivers ran up and down
her spine. She was actually salivating at the thought of tasting
him again. She wanted to know how it felt to have him holding
himself over her, skin to skin, lips to lips, waiting for her to
say, “
Yes! Take me! Make love to me! Make
me yours!”

Crap
. She knew before he growled, she’d said that last part out
loud. Quietly but nonetheless, he heard it. Damn she really needed
to get a handle on that. Lina sneaked a look his way and yup...he
was watching her with those pretty green eyes and yup...they sure
did glow when he looked at her like that.

"Keaton, look, I’m sorry." Damn. She sounded
whiny. "I just...well...sometimes I talk too much, to myself or the
wall, whatever, but I didn’t mean to make you mad, and I know I
should probably think more of myself, and not be so
self-depreciating. I’m working on that, it’s just that you are such
a...a gorgeous man, yeah, I know...a beautiful man. You’re so
tender and gentle, then rough and sexy, it’s such a turn-on, you
have no idea. And I...really love that about you, but you’re a very
good looking man and I know I’m not very pretty.”

Again, he tried to interrupt her but she
continued over his objections.

"I know that about myself and after a
lifetime of hearing negatives, well you start to really believe all
of it. But then you come along and make me feel like maybe I could
be what someone wants. I almost feel compelled to be with you and
that frightens me, but..." When he tried to say something, she held
up her hand and continued.

"Please, let me finish and you can say
whatever you feel you have to say. All my life, in the background,
the last choice but with you, I feel front and center, on stage
with spotlights on me. I love the feeling, it’s wonderful, thank
you, but it also scares the hell outta me. I’ve never had this much
attention and I don’t know how to feel about that, except...you
make me feel...pretty and even sexy and I...” she trailed off.

He growled. She couldn’t tell if this growl
was anger towards her or, like the others he’d made around her,
filled with promise.

"You don’t anger me,
Angel, I am not mad, quite the opposite actually. If we weren’t in
such a hurry, I’d pull over and show you how
not angry
I really feel! I cannot,
for the life of me, see how you can be blind to your own worth and
how very beautiful you are. Someone in your life has made you think
less of yourself. Your self-confidence is bruised. You
are
beautiful. If I have
to say it again, I will. You are tall and I love that about you.
You are clumsy at times and it’s endearing. You
are
beautiful! Not just on the
outside either. I’ve never been good with talking about how I feel.
I wish I could find the fancy words, lil one, to show you what I
see when I look at you. You are everything any man would want and
so much more.”

"Did you just call
me
little one
?"
She was grinning and snorted a short laugh. "Like I’m such a tiny
lil thang.” She added with her best fake southern twang.

"Yes, I did, and you are when I stand next
to you, I feel like a big ox and you seem small and lovely, soft
and female, and your scent. Oh! Your scent! And the way you
laugh…and when I kiss you...I lose myself. You are an incredible
woman and you need to start believing that...because I..."

He stopped short and wiped
his face with his large hand, trying to compose himself. He felt
like he couldn’t breathe with her within arm’s reach. Then again,
he wasn’t sure if he could ever breathe again
without
her.

"Ahhhh, hell, Lina, as
much as I want you, and as much as I need you...this is such an
impossible situation and the timing couldn’t suck more... I should
tell you...I want to share something with you...but I want more
than just a day or a week. You are so amazing...and
I need you
—I want you to
know that I..." He groaned.

"I can’t let this happen.”

She stared at him for a
few seconds more. What was he saying? It dawned on her and she felt
a huge lump in her throat. Tears stung at the back of her
eyes.
Noooo! He
was
just like the rest!
She had such high hopes for him. There was a
huge, heavy pressure on her heart. An even larger boulder in the
pit of her stomach. How could he say all that and then...just end
it? He spouted all those nice words, apparently to give her a boost
of self-confidence while he was cutting his losses and
running?

Lina was thumping her forehead in her mind
that nagging inner voice was screaming.

I am an idiot! Such an
idiot—a gullible, naive, stupid idiot. What did you think would
happen? I mean, look at him—then look in the mirror.
She knew she should listen to that inner voice.
It had kept her away from...well...everyone. And that meant, no
dates, no romantic dinners, no fun, no holding hands. No love
equaled not being hurt. Safety. Keeping her distance from all
people. That kept her safe. She had to admit it also kept her
feeling lonely.

He still hadn’t said a word to deny he was
dumping her. He didn’t deny she was an idiot. But he also didn’t
agree with her, so maybe there was hope? Maybe he will stop her
before she walks away from him forever? They were just pulling into
The Mansions drive.

"You know what? That’s
fine.” she whispered. Her voice cracked a little and she hated
herself for it. "I understand, and I’m not just saying that. I
really do understand, and it’s fine." She whispered to
herself.
I should be used to it by
now.
Looking away from him, she
continued.

"It’s fine. It’s not the end of the
world.”

It
was
the end of her world, as she
knew it. She began gathering her bag and the papers they’d found,
trying desperately to not crack...not shed one tear...

"I didn’t expect you to declare your undying
love, Keaton, to marry me and start building that white picket
fence out front, just because we might like each other and have
good chemistry, 'cuz I'm sure that’s pretty common for good looking
guys like you. But hey, I thank you for the kind words, the very
kind words, but I’m not...well...so...I’m gonna go. I’m sorry you
felt you had to say anything you didn’t want to."

He opened his mouth but no sound came
out.

"But, I am not sorry about what
we...did."

"Lina, honey, I am one happy man when I'm
with you, holding you. I can’t explain right now, as much as I want
to...but this is for the best. Before one of us really gets
hurt."

He lowered his eyes, but not before she
thought she saw the shimmer of tears in his eyes.

"Okay. I am sorry about your truck and your
boots and well…so...I’m just sorry. I guess we’ve said what had to
be said and I guess I should go...now.” She reached up and cupped
his face in her hand. "You deserve happiness and so much more."

She almost fell out of the truck she was in
such a hurry to get away from him. Fighting the tears she knew were
coming. Humiliated and ashamed, hating herself for even dreaming of
having a guy like him, why couldn’t she be good enough for a guy
like him.

She kept thinking to
herself.
Damnit! One of these days I will
find my guy because I deserve him and he’ll love me...I’m a
catch!
She sighed then opened the truck
door.

Keaton leaned over to take her hands. "Lina?
Please let me...” She jerked away.

"
No
! I mean... No, that’s okay, I
have it, thank you for helping me at the....I mean...thank you for
being... I mean going with me..."

She stopped for a second
and readjusted her position on the truck seat. She was just
stalling, waiting for him to say or
do
something to stop her
leaving.

He looked at her as if she’d broken his
heart! She was sure his eyes were shimmering with tears. She looked
him directly in the eye and with her last bit of bravado, she let
him have it.

"Okay, I have to say
something. There was some good that came out of my meeting you
and
that
was that
I was able to see that maybe I can love again. I’m not as homely as
I thought. No, don’t stop me. I don’t think I could handle seeing
you with someone else." She started shaking but swallowed quickly
and continued.

"I guess I should have known a good lookin’
guy would be a player. But I care so I don't want to see you
playing this game with some other clueless girl. It's unfair and
dishonest.

“
You
are
welcome here. We do need you as
our vet, but I don't want to know if anything else happens. Okay?
You haven’t been totally honest with me. I can't stand that. I have
great family and some really good friends. They are always there
for me, so I’ll be fine...” There! She'd said her piece and felt a
little better for it. Her voice cracked at that moment and she
cursed herself,
not now!

He didn’t say a word. He didn’t try to stop
her. He didn’t come after her.

She died a little inside. She stepped out of
the truck, shut the door, amazed but very glad she didn’t slam it.
Then she walked calmly up the newly reinforced steps, into her
home. Alone.

She would not let him see her cry. Once
inside the door she dropped her bundles and against the door, she
slid to the floor and sobbed until she was physically drained. Her
heart was totally shattered, completely broken. She was humiliated.
Again. She trusted and she was betrayed. Again.

She went through several
minutes of feeling sorry for herself, sobbing through the cracking
and splitting of her heart. She tried desperately to seal it over
with some hope maybe, or just more scar tissue? It would not be so
easy next time. As if there would be a next time?
Yes
! She wouldn’t give
up easily. She wanted love, home, family and she would again put
herself “out there” and would get hurt again but this time, with
Keaton felt worse, different, stronger. They had felt so damn
right. They just seemed to be… what? She didn’t know and couldn’t
explain it but it really felt like she would die without him.
Absurd. Right? Maybe. Lina got her feet under her.

"Get your shit together, Lina! So he broke
your heart. You’ve been dumped before and even had one guy slap you
around before you came to your senses. Your history isn’t the best,
but you can proudly say you keep trying. You didn’t give up. But,
something about Keaton, something about us...was just so special.
It never hurt this much."

Oh crap, I knew it when I kissed him. I just
didn’t want to believe it... I...I love him! Shit! This is bad. How
did I let that happen? Well now, I’ve gone and done it... I just
told him off and completely burned that bridge. He won’t be back.
Oh my God! What have I done?" She sobbed once more, blew her nose,
picked up the mess she’d made when she dropped her belongings, and
with a heavy sigh, schlepped her way slowly up the stairs. She was
suddenly more than bone tired.

****

Keaton stood outside the door, his hands and
his forehead against the wood while she sat on the other side and
mourned their mutual loss. She loved him? When he heard those
words, he’d fallen to his knees, unable to stand with all the
emotion pouring out of her big confused heart. He hadn’t meant to
let it go that far. He couldn’t get involved. Not now! Things were
heating up and he didn’t need a distraction. But, he had gotten
involved. He felt her sorrow. He’d caused it, and now, damnit, he
felt like a big jerk. Shit, she didn’t deserve this. He could
almost see her face, wet with tears. His gut was twisting with
guilt, shame and a longing to hold her, to comfort her. He crumpled
to his knees when he heard her say he’d broken her heart.

But what can I do now?
She’d never believe me if I pushed this door open and professed my
love. Oh God, how can I go and leave her like this? I just hurt the
most honest, loving, sinless soul on earth...for some stupid
oath?
At least in his thoughts he was
being honest. He questioned himself silently, berated himself and
finally decided maybe this was for the best. Anyone who would leave
her hurting like this wasn’t good enough for her. He would leave
her and this place behind him. He had to, for her sake. Selfishly
for his own sake too, because being near her and not having
her...would kill him. It would destroy his soul. She was his mate.
His other half and he loved her! But he couldn’t give her what she
needed. She was so full of sorrow, so alone. He hated himself. All
this was his fault. Damnit.

But he was Alpha and his first duty was to
the pack. His task was too important and he couldn’t be selfish. He
just couldn’t...not now. He’d volunteered for this task and he
would honor the vow he made. He wanted Lina in every possible way
as his mate, the mother of his children and he wanted the feeling
of happiness for himself. Selfish.

He might not live to see it. This was not
about him, Lina or happiness. Keaton couldn’t involve her in this
and he knew she might try to stop him. It was too late. It had to
be done. He doubted he could un-do what he’d just done to her
loving spirit, her pride, or to her sweet heart. He had to protect
the pack, the humans and especially his pretty little Lina, his
Angel. He couldn’t get involved with her and risk her life. They
wouldn't hesitate to hurt her...to get to him. He had to leave. He
was here to hunt and kill.