Ever So Madly (18 page)

“We’ll always have this.” I don’t know how I got the words out. But if this was going to be the last time I refused to have it sad.

“I can’t stay all day.” She pressed her face into my chest.

“Why not?” I pulled back a little so she would look me in the eyes.

She sat back as well rubbing her hands together. “Phillip is escorting me for the departure. I didn’t tell you the full truth earlier. I leave tonight for Gavin 9.” She chewed on her lip, and I lifted a thumb to tug it free from her teeth. “I couldn’t say no to him in front of the Baron. His stateroom will be next to mine.”

“I understand.”

I detangled myself from her to stoke the fire. The snow outside was unrelenting, and it was just the way I wanted it. Glancing over my shoulder I watched her grab a throw blanket off the back of the sofa and wrap it around her shoulders. She came up behind me and slid an arm around my lower back. I leaned into her.

“He’ll take care of you, you know.” I knew it would be true. I’d seen it in Phillip’s eyes that night. He loved her.

She turned her face into me and pressed her fingers into my hip. “Don’t say that. I could never feel about him like I do you.”

“But, Jocelynn.” I exhaled a sigh. “Maybe you should try?”

Anger more than pain flashed across her face. “How could you say that to me?”

I turned into her once I got the fire roaring again. “I want you to be happy.”

“It’s like you want me to forget about you and live happily ever after with the prince. Like this is some goddamned fairytale.”

“Maybe it is, and I’m the bad guy trying to steal the fair maiden away?” I chuckled, rather liking myself painted in that light.

“I’ll tell you a secret.”

“Yes?” I quirked a brow, glancing down at her.

“I’d rather end up with the bad guy.” She grinned up at me.

I poked her in the sides. “I don’t deserve you, but I’ll spend the rest of my life trying.”

She looked up at me shaking her head. “So, tell me why you wanted to bring me here.”

I bent slightly to scoop her up under the knees. I sat down in front of the fire with her on my lap. “This is my rendition of Severus’s great forest. The loggers cut these great big trees, and the finest furniture is made from them.”

She laughed, and I narrowed my eyes.

“You knew that?” I groaned.

“We have quite a few pieces, but what were you doing there?”

“Some of my earliest memories are of running through the forests here. We’d stay a few days every round trip as my mother was born here. She met my father when he did his first run.” I stroked my fingers up her arm, smiling to myself at the memories. I still had family on Severus Six.

“I knew you weren’t just from Harden,” she said in an “ah-ha” tone.

“I never claimed to be, but that is where I’ve lived the last ten years or so.”

“You were raised on a freighter?” She laid her head on my shoulder.

“First ten years of my life.” When I closed my eyes I was on a ship. It was home. The hum of the Time2 bending engines.

“You’ve been all across the universe?” She slid off my lap, and I grabbed onto her, not wanting the space between us, but when she sprawled out on the rug, I groaned and lay down beside her.

“I have.” My eyes half closed. It was the middle of the night for me, and I should have slept while I waited for her, but I’d been too keyed up. Now the drowsiness ate at me.

“You might be better traveled than I am.” Her fingertips traced lightly over the curve of my neck and around into my hair line.

“I doubt it, and my travels were not nearly as extravagant as yours have been, I’m sure.”

Suddenly I knew the real meaning to intimacy. This was it. I’d never felt closer to someone. I was half asleep, and she had taken over my mind. The small touches, the soft rhythm of her voice, and the millions of unspoken actions that passed simply between us. If I searched the rest of my life I would never find this again.

“But what you’ve seen is real.” Her voice grew softer, and I think she knew I was fading.

“It is different, I’m sure.” I drew her in, pressing my face to her neck and inhaled.

“Sleep,” she said, wrapping an arm around my head, holding me to her.

Her voice roused me.

“I’ll never stop loving you. Remember that.” She started to waver, and I gripped her tighter.

“No, not yet,” I pleaded. But we both knew there was nothing we could do when we started to reject the simulation.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Jocelynn

I arched and pressed myself flush against him tightening my fingers in his hair. But he blinked. I clutched at where his form was grasping at thin air before he was back, his weight settling over mine as he gripped me as hard as I did him. I squeezed my arms around his shoulders grabbing handfuls of his hoodie until I lost the feeling in my fingers. He shoved his arms under my back and did the same. We lay like that for a few more minutes before he was gone.

I blinked a few times and found myself yanked from paradise and back flat on my back looking up at the painted ceiling of the grand palace. I pressed my eyes closed and balled my hands into fists. It wasn’t long enough. It was never fucking long enough, but this was so short. I had counted on hours, not less than one. I forced myself to breathe. How could I go on like this?

Life was too cruel to let something so perfect exist. You could envision this perfect reality and it would be snatched away. Life was pain and suffering. The Baron had told me time and time again to grow up. They said my weakness was how naive I was, and they were right. I was filled with guilt. How could I keep him attached to me when I knew what my fate would be? I had to do my duty and take my place as leader so I needed him here with me. He’d be killed eventually if he was in the way. I couldn’t be responsible for his death. There had to be a way to make him invaluable.

“I had to.” My gaze flashed to my brother holding the neurotransmitter. I could have screamed.

“Why?” I looked at the clock and knew. The rest of my life wouldn’t be enough. He was like no drug I’d ever experienced. A drug that took over my heart, mind, and body. Nothing mattered more than finding a way he could be here with me.

“You look like shit, and you need time to get ready. This is not the time to be out of line. There is so much going on, Jocelynn.” He’d taken me from Madden. The last minutes I’d ever get to spend with Madden, and Jacob had snatched them from me. He held out the tiny chip, and I snatched it from him.

I squeezed my eyes shut, biting back the red hot anger threatening to take over. “Then tell me.”

“I can’t, but J, trust me.”

“Get out,” I snapped.

He left without another word.

I forced myself to get off the floor, putting one foot in front of the other until I stood in front of my dressing table. Mascara streamed down my cheeks, and my painted face was ruined. All that work and I would have to fix it myself as the servants were long gone, preparing other tasks for the departure. Jacob was right. I had stayed with Madden much too long, but only because it was drawing attention to myself. I needed help, but I wasn’t sure Jacob was the person to go to.

J: I miss you already.

M: And I you.

J: Comm range will be in and out on the trip, but as soon as I land I want to see you again.

M: I’ll be counting the minutes.

In a matter of hours, I was watching my trunks being hauled into the shuttle which we would take to the large luxury cruiser docked above the atmosphere. Jacob and Phillip stood to one side speaking in hushed tones, but I was too depressed to care what they were whispering about. The ship was taking me away from freedom.

I smiled and waved for the pictures, arm in arm with my brother and Phillip. I pretended like I was excited to go to my coronation, but it felt like I was a pig going to slaughter. Phillip kept me close, a constant pressure on my arm. He and Jacob kept exchanging glances. They’d become fast friends, and I had to wonder why. Maybe Jacob thought he was doing my duty for me.

The cameras faded, and Phillip leaned in to whisper. “Shall we make our escape?”

I nodded. “Please.” It was painful to keep up the formality when I wanted to scream at the universe for being unfair.

He led me up the gangplank. “Care to have a drink to relax your nerves?”

“Sure.” I gave him a fake smile and let him take the lead yet again. There was no point in hiding for the short flight up to the space port.

I took a seat in a single chair in the lounge portion of the empty ship, noticing my brother’s absence. Phillip filled two crystal tumblers and instead of taking the loveseat across from me he sat on the edge of the low table causing our knees to touch as he held out my drink. I accepted it but did not bring it to my mouth. Clasping it with two hands I set it in my lap. He downed the drink and set it aside, freeing up his hands. He laid one lightly on my thigh next to my own.

The ship rumbled as the engines powered on. These transports were only used for taking people to and from the station. Their heavy engines were great for breaking through the planetary gravity, but were nothing compared to the Time2 the lighter starships used.

“Are you unwell?” he said at last, brushing his thumb over the bare skin on my wrist.

I looked from his hands back to his dark purple eyes. “I have been feeling under the weather. ’Tis nothing to worry about.”

He nodded, but I could see the disbelief in his expression. “I do hope you are well by the time we reach Gavin. I would hope you would enjoy the time with me.”

I counted down the minutes feeling the pull as we escaped the atmosphere.

“I’m sure a few days of rest on the ship will put me right.”

He searched my face, and I brought my drink to my lips to distract him.

“Don’t hide yourself away the entire time and deprive us of your presence.” He brushed his fingers further up my arm, sending a shiver through me at the light touch.

The ship shuddered as we came to position at the docking bay. I shot to my feet, knocking him back in the process.

“Excuse me,” I said, calmer than I felt.

He stood and stepped back holding out an arm to excuse me. “By all means, I’m sure being ill you’re in a hurry to get to your stateroom and change.”

“I am.” I inclined my head toward him, and he returned the sign of respect. I forced myself to walk slowly from the lounge toward the port.

Deep breaths, Jocelynn. I could do this. I closed my eyes and didn’t wait for the escort. As soon as they had the airlock open I slipped through and headed to the cruiser. It was always in reserve at the same port, and the crew knew me well. They allowed me on board with only a few raised brows as to where the rest of the party was.

Once seated in my stateroom I broke down, letting fall the tears I’d been holding back. I’d let myself cry this once. I would get it all out, and then I would put my emotions under lock. I was about to be the Baron in waiting, and love was beneath me. I could throw things, and pound my fists into the walls, but this would be the last time I would cry over Madden. My House did things. They didn’t cry over impossibilities. They made things happen. I promised myself.

When I had nothing left I took a seat in front of my vanity, and I picked up a cotton pad to apply the solution to remove the tearstained mask of makeup. I finished giving myself a fresh canvas to start from. I painted from base coat up, and the finished product looked better than the first of the day. I stood shaking out my sore arms, catching a glimpse of a large figure leaning against my doorframe.

“Why don’t you come in, Jacob?”

He stepped into the light. “I enjoy watching you.”

I lifted my hand to cover my mouth, but didn’t dare muss the fresh paint, so I dropped it back to my side, turning my lips into a forced smile.

“Phillip, I didn’t realize…” I didn’t know what to say to him. My nerves were so raw over Madden it was hard to look at the man I was going to be forced to spend the rest of my life with.

He crossed the room with a swagger, and I could smell the drink on him. He’d been exploring the Baron’s wine cellar I guessed.

“I wanted to make sure you were all right after your hasty departure.” He towered over me where I sat.

I rose to my feet, but I still didn’t come above his shoulder. “I can assure you I’ll be fine.”

He looked me directly in the eyes, and I didn’t back down stepping away from my dressing table.

“Can I be frank?”

I raised both brows. “I would prefer it.”

“You’re beautiful, and any man would be lucky to have you.”

I let out the pent up air in my lungs. I wasn’t a trophy. I had a Barony to run. If he was in love with someone else as well then we could live separate lives. But then it struck me. There was no reason for him not to choose anyone he wanted. All the houses would owe allegiance to him when he became Emperor. He had to really like me, and the realization scared me. Being with him was a kink in my plans to find Madden. I kept the shock off my face. It was no matter. I’d decided, and nothing would keep me from my end.

His stare was hard as he took a step into me. He kept coming. My breath caught in my throat, and I stepped back into the wall. He stopped millimeters from me, pressing his hand into the wall above my head. He was twice as broad as I was, and from where I stood I could see the stubble on his face.

I fixed a bored look on my face, one I rarely used but was taught to use on those of lesser rank. “Is there a purpose to this conversation, my Lord?” I questioned his motives, sliding my hand around to the knife I carried in a hidden pocket in my dress.

I worked free just before he pressed his body into mine. He didn’t speak. I turned the knife around in my hand pressing the tip into his side. I could easily kill him. I waited for him to make another move. If I was going to gut the heir to the known universe I would have to have good reason, and intuition wasn’t it. The cards were all in his hand.

“The purpose is.” A smile curled over his lips. “You’re exactly who I want at my side.” His eyes flickered down to where the knife hovered near his stomach. He dropped one hand from the wall over my head. I thought he was going to grab my wrist, but he closed his hand around the blade. I barely stifled a gasp. He pressed the knife into his side.

“I need someone I know can’t be intimidated by those who wish to take me down. Not even by men twice their size.” There was lust in his gaze.

He was turned on by this. I felt the tip of my Garian steel slice through his tunic and press into his skin. He was in control of the blade. It cut him like soft butter. He didn’t flinch as he dropped his face closer to mine.

“There are not many women who live up to your reputation, but I wanted to make sure it wasn’t something the Baron built up.” He wrenched the knife from my grasp and brought the knife up between us. Blood dripped down his wrist staining the cuff of his crisp white shirt, yet even still he didn’t loosen his grip on it.

He was lucky I hadn’t pulled the poisoned one.

“He hasn’t.” My voice was icy, but there was heat between us. I would never love him like I did Madden, but I would respect him, and I was attracted to him even if I didn’t want to be.

He lowered his face, hovering his mouth over mine. “Do you want this?”

Pain engulfed me. My chest constricted, and it took everything I had to stay on my feet. I screamed “No” in my head as I said, “Yes.”

His smile broadened as he leaned in for a kiss.