Every Breaking Wave (19 page)

Twenty-Two

When I left for Maine two months before, I thought I’d be happy to return home when the summer was over. Nothing could be further from the truth though. I hated being home. I hated the loneliness. I hated how hollow it felt. The house had too many memories and not good ones. The good ones I did have, like bringing Noah home from the hospital or our first Christmas with Noah, were overshadowed by everything else that had happened over the past year. It was now just a sad reminder of what my life had become.

The beach house hadn’t felt that way at all. It’d made me feel hopeful and even though it was small, it felt big because we’d been so happy there. I could tell Noah wasn’t keen on being home either. He missed running across the street to the beach. He missed Sophie and he really missed Jeremy.

I missed him too. I’d called him the moment we got home, just as I’d promised and we’d talked every night since. He told me he missed the dinners I’d make for him and I found myself cooking too much. Perhaps it was my subconscious way of hoping if I did, he’d show up for dinner.  I didn’t know when I’d see Jeremy again. He had to work and the start of a new school year for me was just around the corner.

I stayed busy getting my classroom ready for a fresh batch of second graders. There was always so much to do and it was hard to accept that with the arrival of my students meant summer, and my time with Jeremy, was officially over.

Noah would come with me while I set up, but he often made more work than anything else. He loved playing with the different manipulatives I had around the room and browsing through my classroom library. I didn’t mind, except for the fact he rarely put anything away.

We’d been back nearly a week and it was time for Noah’s first weekend away with Darren. I hadn’t seen Darren since that night he’d asked me to think about being a family again. I hadn’t spoken to him aside from answering the phone when he called to talk to Noah. I’d tried putting that earlier conversation to the back of my mind because what he’d asked of me was crazy. It was crazy to think we could ever be a family again and the fact he thought it was even possible meant my ex was, in fact, nuts.

I couldn’t help but feel a little anxious as the clock approached five o’clock, the time Darren was supposed to pick Noah up. His bag was packed and he was staring out the window, waiting for his dad. He jumped up when Darren’s large pick-up pulled into the driveway.

“Daddy’s here!” he shouted, grabbing his bag and bursting out the door. I followed quickly behind and Darren was stepping out when I caught up with Noah. It was obvious he’d come straight from work. He was still wearing his khakis and pale blue button up shirt. He opened his arms and Noah went running into him.

“You ready to go, bud?” Darren asked and Noah nodded eagerly and then Darren looked over to me with a kind smile I wasn’t used to seeing on his face anymore. “Everything’s in his bag, Beth?”

“Yes,” I said shortly.

“The binky too? I don’t want to go a night without that,” he chuckled.

“I don’t have a binky anymore!” Noah exclaimed and Darren looked between Noah and me curiously.

“No binky?”

“As we were leaving Maine, he gave it up, just like that,” I said with a snap of my fingers.

“I’m a big boy. Jeremy says so,” Noah proclaimed proudly, but I noticed the momentary dip in Darren’s smile at the mention of Jeremy’s name.

“You are a big boy, Noah,” he said, the smile returning as he looked at our son. “I’m proud of you.” He paused for a moment, looking over to me again. “I think this is cause for a celebration. We should go out to dinner. How does Chuck E. Cheese sound?”

Noah started cheering at the mention of the restaurant.

“Let’s go!” he shouted.

“I think you should join us, Beth,” Darren said, meeting my eyes with his and I gave him a look that told him I wasn’t interested. I should’ve known he wouldn’t relent though. He’d always been persistent. “This is quite an occasion. One we should all celebrate,” he said, his eyes staring even harder into mine. “As a family.”

The smirk on his face told me he was referring to our conversation the last time we’d seen each other. I thought the conversation was over. Obviously, he didn’t.

“It’s your night with Noah, Darren. I don’t want to intrude,” I said, cringing at the thought of spending my Friday night at Chuck E. Cheese, a.k.a. Hell.

“You’d hardly be intruding. Noah wants you to go,” he said, turning to our son. “You want Mommy to come, don’t you, Noah?”

Bringing Noah into the discussion wasn’t fair and Darren knew it.

“Yes! Come with us!” he squealed and I glared at Darren who knew exactly what he was up to.

“Fine,” I grumbled. “Let me get my pocketbook.”

~~~

I hated Chuck E. Cheese. I hated the music, the games, the kids whose parents let them run wild with no supervision. It was one of my least favorite places on earth, but Noah loved it and because of that, I dealt with the things I despised about it because it made my son happy.

We spent the evening playing games and eating terrible pizza, but the smile never left Noah’s face. I wasn’t sure if that was because he was having fun or if it was because we were all together…the way it used to be. I know he liked having both of us there, sharing in the same activity and I had to admit, it was nice seeing Noah having fun rather than having to hear about it. It was strange though, being out with Darren like this. If he felt awkward, he didn’t let it show. It was just as it’d been before we’d separated. Not exactly like before, but almost, except Darren didn’t try and grab my ass the way he used to. There was nothing romantic at all. We were just two parents out with their son for the night. A seemingly perfect family to the uninformed.

Noah was thrilled with the plastic dinosaur, spider ring and package of stickers his ninety-three tickets bought. There were three left over and he was insistent that the tickets could buy us each an ice cream. Darren didn’t hesitate at Noah’s suggestion and pulled into the Dairy Queen parking lot on the way home. I ordered a cookie dough Blizzard and I didn’t say much as we sat inside eating. I couldn’t help but think back to the night Jeremy and I had shared ice cream…the night of our first date. I hadn’t talked to him all day and I wondered what he was doing. It was nearly eight o’clock. He had to be home by now, but I hadn’t heard anything from him. I reached into my pocketbook for my phone to make sure I hadn’t missed a call or text, but quickly realized I’d left my phone at home in the rush to leave for my unexpected night out.

Noah started yawning half-way through his chocolate dipped cone and I looked over to Darren. We didn’t have to say anything to each other to know we were thinking the same thing.

“It’s time to go, bud,” Darren said. “Finish your ice cream.”

Noah whined for a moment, but then stopped and concentrated on eating. It didn’t take long and soon, we were loading a sticky Noah into his car seat and then heading back to my house.

“This was fun, Beth. I think Noah really enjoyed being out with both of us,” Darren said when he pulled into the driveway.

“Yes, he did,” I agreed and when I looked over to him, he looked nervous.

“We should do it again soon.”

“We’ll see,” I said after a few moments of silence, not quite knowing what to say to him. I didn’t want to encourage him, but I also knew we shared Noah and I couldn’t deny that times like this were special to him.

Darren tried to hold my gaze, but I wouldn’t let him and I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out. I opened Noah’s door and kissed him goodnight.

“Be good, Noah,” I said.

“I will, Mommy.”

“I’ll see you in a couple of days,” I said, a pit forming in my stomach, knowing that I would shut the truck door and then walk into my empty, lonely house.

“Bye, Mommy,” Noah said and I kissed him again before shutting the door and walking towards the house.

“Good night, Beth.”

I turned around just as I was about to unlock the door and saw Darren watching me, his arm resting on the open driver’s side window. He was smiling at me and not in the way an ex-husband smiles at his ex-wife, but the way a husband smiles at his wife. I didn’t respond to him. Instead, I unlocked the door and walked inside.

The house was too quiet, just as I’d anticipated and I went straight to my phone, anxious to see if Jeremy had tried to call. I smiled when I saw a missed call from him. There was a text message too, but I didn’t even open it, I just called him instead.

I flopped myself onto the couch as it rang and when he picked up, I closed my eyes, taking in the sound of his voice. It’d only been a day since I’d heard it, but I’d missed him.

“Hey, Beth,” he said when he answered.

“I’m sorry I missed your call.”

“I was beginning to think you were ignoring me,” he said with a quiet laugh and I hoped he really didn’t think that.

“You know how much I look forward to our talks,” I told him and I could almost see him smiling on the other end.

“I need to see you, Beth,” he said, his voice low and serious. “Can we Skype?”

“Of course!” I said, hoping I didn’t sound too giddy. I had to pretend I was a mature adult. “I’ll hang up and call you.”

I didn’t wait for his response. I hung up and then turned on Skype, quickly finding him in my contacts and calling him. The familiar ringtone sang through the quiet house and then he answered and I smiled the moment I saw him, his big brown eyes staring back at me, his dark hair slick and wet from a shower. His face was covered in a light beard and I could feel my thighs burning just from looking at him. I would’ve given anything to be able to touch him.

“You look beautiful,” he said and I rolled my eyes playfully. I loved when he complimented me, but I had to admit it still embarrassed me some.

“You don’t look so bad yourself.”

“You’re right. I don’t,” he said, checking himself out and I started to laugh.

“I miss you, Jeremy,” I said quietly, as I focused on the face I missed so much.

“I miss you too, Beth,” he said and it grew quiet for a few moments as we looked at each other. “I was thinking I could come see you on Labor Day weekend.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Would that be okay?”

“That’d be perfect,” I said and I could tell my grin was spreading.

“I’ll let you know for sure if I can work it out, but I’m really gonna try.”

“I hope you can make it. Noah will be thrilled to see you.”

“I miss that kid. It’s no fun cutting the grass anymore without his company,” he said as both of our minds drifted to the summer we’d shared. “How is he?”

“He’s okay. He’s with Darren for the weekend. Noah was so proud when he told Darren he didn’t need his binky anymore. Darren insisted we had to celebrate the occasion, which is why I missed your call. I was at Chuck E. Cheese with Darren and Noah. We went for ice cream afterwards.”

“Was it good?”

“Not nearly as good as the stuff we had in Travers Cove, but any ice cream is good.”

“What’d you get?”

“Cookie dough Blizzard. How’re you gonna analyze that?”

“I won’t. I don’t analyze Blizzards. Only pure ice cream.”

I started laughing for a moment and then it grew quiet as I felt a sudden sadness overtake me.

“I wish you were here,” I said softly.

“Me too,” he said, the smile on his face disappearing and we shared the same somber expression. I wondered if he’d say he loved me again. He hadn’t said it since that night he told me. I thought perhaps it was because I hadn’t said it in return, but I knew he loved me. He didn’t have to say it.

We Skyped for almost two more hours, laughing and joking and watching the Red Sox game together. I didn’t want to get off and I knew he didn’t either, but he had to get up early to go out on the boat and I could see he was tired. He kept yawning and so we reluctantly decided to say good night. When I hit the end button, I laid in silence on the couch, staring at the TV and hating that I was alone.

Twenty-Three

It was a lonely weekend. I stayed in mostly, cutting and labeling all of the beginning of the year things I needed for my class. The TV was on, but I only half-listened. I went to my parents’ house for dinner. They were curious about my summer in Maine. I hadn’t spoken to them much while I was away. I didn’t call and they only reached out a few times, to make sure I was alive, as they’d put it. They knew I needed the time away from everything and that included my family who’d spent the last year hovering over me after the separation. Aside from my sister’s visit, I’d pretty much kept to myself.

I told them a little about Jeremy. I knew Amy wouldn’t have kept her mouth shut about him. My parents seemed intrigued by my new relationship and were entirely too eager to meet him when they found out he might be visiting in a couple of weeks. To be honest though, I wanted them to meet him too.

I was glad when Sunday came though. I was ready to have my little guy home with me. I expected Darren to bring Noah back after dinner and sure enough, right on schedule at six o’clock, I looked up from the couch where I’d been reading, and saw Darren’s truck pulling up. I set my Kindle down and went outside to meet them. Darren unbuckled Noah who came running to me when he was free. I scooped him up and he wrapped his arms around me. I kissed him on the cheek and squeezed him back. Darren came over to us holding Noah’s backpack with an easy grin on his face.

“How was he?” I asked, heading towards the front door.

“Great. He missed you though,” Darren answered and I didn’t stop him when he followed us inside. “He kept talking about how much fun he’d had with us at Chuck E. Cheese.”

I didn’t respond. Instead, I raised an eyebrow, choosing to ignore his prodding.

“Can you stay, Daddy?” Noah asked and before I could say anything, Darren was answering.

“Of course I can.”

His grin was obvious and I hoped he saw me roll my eyes at him. I wasn’t surprised at Darren’s boldness. He’d always been arrogant. I’d found that sexy when I first met him. Now, I just found it irritating.

“Can we watch a movie?” Noah asked.

“A short one, but only after your bath.”

“Fine. Let’s go,” Noah said, grabbing both of our hands and leading us upstairs.

Due to Noah’s extremely quick bath, we were back downstairs and watching a movie in no time. I popped some popcorn and we all sat on the couch, Noah sandwiched between us while we watched an extended episode of
Team Umizoomi
, which Noah had no trouble accepting as his movie. He fussed a little when it was over though and it was time for bed, but eventually, we went upstairs. Noah brushed his teeth and climbed into bed. He insisted we each read him a bedtime story and then after our goodnight kisses, Darren and I made our way downstairs.

“How long are we gonna go through this, Darren?” I asked him once we were in the living room.

“Go through what?”

“You finding some way to weasel your way back into my life?” I said, folding my arms across my chest.

“I’m not weaseling my way into anything, but you must want me to weasel in if you can’t stop thinking about me,” he said and I couldn’t help but crack up.

“You are so in love with yourself it’s sickening. How did I ever fall for your lines?”

“Because they weren’t lines and because you know we’re perfect for each other.”

“Puh-lease! I may have fallen for it once, but I’m not as stupid as I used to be,” I scoffed, but he didn’t crack a smile as I made my way towards the front door in hopes that he’d follow.

“Do you see how happy he is?” Darren asked, sitting down on the couch again, obviously not getting the hint that I wanted him to go home. “Do you see how he smiles when we’re together?”

“Of course I see it, Darren,” I said sarcastically. “Every child wants their parents together, but we’re not together anymore and in case you’ve forgotten, that wasn’t my doing.”

“I get it, Beth. I fucked up,” he said and I could hear the frustration in his voice as he abruptly stood up and came towards me.

“Why won’t you let this go? Why are you doing this now?”

“Because I made a mistake not trying harder than I did to keep you. I gave up too easily.”

“It’s too late, Darren. We’re done. You made your choice and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually think you’re sorry about what you did. I’ve finally gotten past it though and I’ve moved on.”

He snickered, but he stepped closer to me.

“You and that fisherman?”

“He has a name.”

“I know. Noah won’t stop talking about him.” Darren’s voice was soft and he stared down at the floor for a moment before looking back at me again. “It’s serious then?”

“I think so,” I said, breaking our gaze as I tried to classify our relationship.

“He’s a lucky guy. I just hope he realizes it.”

“He does,” I said, confidently, and then I felt his hand on my arm, resting gently as his blue eyes met mine.

“I don’t even like thinking of you with someone else. I can’t imagine what I did to you…the day you found out.”

“Please, Darren,” I said, gently removing my arm from his hand. “I don’t want to relive that day.”

I could feel the tears threatening to fall. I didn’t want him to see how much it still affected me.

“I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

It grew quiet again and then I felt his hand on my cheek.

“I know you don’t think so,” he began gently. “But we could be happy again. It might take some time for you to trust me again and you may never trust me again, but we could be happy…like we used to be.”

His eyes were piercing mine, so intense and serious and I didn’t say anything as he brushed a piece of hair off my forehead.

“I want to kiss you, Beth. I haven’t kissed you since that day I screwed everything up.” His words were soft and his eyes drifted over my face slowly and his mouth curled up into the slightest of smiles as if he was remembering that day. “You and Noah were getting ready to leave. I’d helped you pack the car. You were wearing a white sundress and your hair was in a braid. You’d clipped your bangs back the way I like. Just before you got in the car, I took your arm like this,” he said, carefully gripping my forearm. “And I pulled you to me like this,” he continued, until he’d pulled me to him so our bodies were touching. “And then I kissed you.” He drifted slowly towards me, but his lips stopped just inches from mine.

I was stunned for a moment, both at the fact that he’d had the nerve to attempt something like this and because I didn’t jerk back right away.

“I didn’t realize it was the last time I was going to kiss you and if I had, I would never have let you go.”

“Until you decided to sleep with someone else.”

I watched as he cringed from my words.

“I deserve that,” he relented. “But I’ll take whatever you need to give me in order for you to see that we can fix this. We can be us again and Noah can have his family back,” he said, finally letting me go and resting his hand on the doorknob. I prayed he’d actually leave this time because I didn’t like that his words were edging their way into my psyche.

“All of this because I’ve moved on with someone else?” I quipped, expecting some kind of reaction to my sarcasm, but I was surprised when his face stayed the same with a look of quiet determination.

“No. Because I love you.”

He reached for his keys and then I felt him pulling me to him, kissing me on the cheek and then he disappeared as I tried to catch my breath.