Every One Of Me (15 page)

"It's hard. It was a long time ago," Tess muttered
and squeezed her eyes shut a little tighter.

"I know, Theresa. Don't rush it."

Her eyes snapped open and she narrowed her eyes. She wasn't
looking at the doctor though. It was like she was seeing something else.
"He was there. He was more clumsy than usual and he smelled like stale
bread and rotten meat. I don't think he had showered for several days."

"Who is the man, Theresa?"

"My father. He hated me. I know he did. I always
pretended to be somewhere else when he came home like that. Mom would yell at
him and he would just stumble around the house."

Dr. G was scribbling on his notepad as she spoke, then
looked up and asked, "The disconnection. Did you feel it then?"

She nodded, "It was the first time I didn't have to try
so hard. I saw myself somewhere else and he started yelling at me, but I don't
know what he was saying."

"How long did it last?"

"I don't know. I remember Mom coming into the room and
making him leave. He came back without her, though. It felt like I was looking
down at him. I saw him throw me into my bookshelf, then I don't remember
anything until the next day when Mom was crying and lifting my shirt to see the
bruise."

Her voice was hesitant, but she kept going. "My dad was
walking out the door with a suitcase and she was yelling at him and telling him
to never come back. He looked at me and I got scared again, but then… he looked
so strange." Her brow furrowed like she was trying really hard to remember
something. "His eyes got really wide and he practically ran out the door.
He looked just as scared as I felt."

Dr. G kept scribbling on his note pad and waited. I was
staring at Tess and my stomach felt like it was about to crawl up my throat.
That bastard! She was only 6 years old when Sarah kicked her ex-husband out. I
felt the anger build in my chest, but when Tess closed her eyes again and
stiffened, I put it on hold. It was seconds. That's it, but everything about
her changed.

The doctor cleared his throat and shifted in his chair.
"Theresa? Are you still there?"

She opened her eyes and looked straight at him and glared.
The look on her face was familiar and brought me back to that night so many
years ago when I witnessed her shatter.

"Shit!" Dr. Geoffrey exclaimed and hurried to the
door. I didn't expect him to be anything but a stoic professional, which told
me that this new development wasn't expected or desired today. At all.

Tess stayed in her chair, stiff and looking like she was
about to snap into a million pieces. Dr. G called out to a couple of people and
all I heard were loud footsteps getting closer. My eyes never left her and the
urge to go to her was overpowering. She was beautiful, but so cold and angry.

She turned her head to look at me and her eyes widened. They
were almost black, so different from the beautiful caramel and chocolate I
could stare at forever, and they focused on my face, pinning me to my chair.
Her expression softened infinitesimally, but not enough to wipe the fury away.
Then she stood and took a step toward me.

"Are
you
going to hurt me?" she growled.

Her question surprised me, but she didn't look scared of me
or even the slightest bit worried if the answer would ever be in the
affirmative. It was almost as if she were threatening me. I spoke slowly and
quietly, "No, Tess. I'm not going to hurt you."

Dr. G looked back into the room when I spoke and looked
stunned. "Maybe you should--"

I raised my hand to stop him from talking, but kept my eyes
on Tess. The sudden movement made her jerk in alarm, but she didn't step any closer.

"I know you won't hurt Tess," she sneered. "I
asked if you are going to hurt
me
?" Her voice was hard and low.
Completely different from Tessa's. She took another slow step toward me, but I
held still, worried that I was going to scare her if I moved. This was still
Tess, no matter what, this was still my Tess.

"I would never hurt you, Camryn."

She flinched back in surprise at hearing her name, but
recovered quickly. "Yeah, sure! That's what they all say, but they always
lie. Go ahead and do it. I'd rather you hurt me than her. I can take it!"
She tilted her head slightly, "You'll regret it, though," she warned.

I stood then, slowly and cautiously, and she stiffened. Her
jaw twitched and her eyes narrowed again, but I saw something that she was
trying to hide. Something that Tess could never hide when she was struggling to
control her emotions, but Camryn didn't know that. Her lips trembled, so
slightly that I would have missed it if I didn't know to look for it. She was
about to break down.

"Camryn, I would never hurt you," I said
sincerely. "You are a part of Tess… and I love Tess." I swallowed
hard and inched closer, "I want to help you protect her."

"I don't need any help!" she screamed, looking
more and more like she was going to fall to her knees. Looking further and
further from the Tess I knew, but she was still in there.

I saw Dr. Geoffrey and two other tall figures in the doorway
out of the corner of my eye. I prayed they stayed where they were or Camryn was
going to lose it. She must have noticed because she whirled around and grabbed
the chair she had been sitting in, tipping it over and letting out a scream
that sounded more like a growl.

I just reacted. I moved toward her faster than I had ever
moved before, and wrapped my arms around her. She struggled to get away, but I
held her tightly against me. She jerked in my arms and tried to turn to face
me. When I let her and looked down at her face, the look in her eyes tore
through my chest. She was so scared. Panicked.

"Let me go!" she bit out, but the shake in her
voice didn't help the fierceness of her words.

I buried my face in her hair next to her ear.
"Never," I whispered.

Her whole body uncoiled and she leaned into me as if she
couldn't stand on her own. I held her up and she buried her face in my chest,
breathing deeply and trying to hold back the sobs rising in her chest.
"I'm here, Tess. Baby, come back to me. I'm here."

Her sobs tore out of her and her knees buckled. I lifted her
into my arms and moved over to the couch on the other side of the room,
cradling her against my chest and rocking her back and forth with my face
buried in her hair. Her hands came up around my neck and she clung to me.

"My God," I heard the doctor breathe.

But as far as I was concerned, it was just Tess and me. I
kept telling her I was there and I wasn't letting her go, murmuring in her ear
that everything would be okay. She cried for a long time. We sat there for over
an hour before she fell asleep in my arms.

Dr. Geoffrey spoke a few words, attempting to release her
from the hypnosis, but nothing changed. He left the room quietly while Tess
broke down in my arms and hadn't disturbed us, so when he walked back into the
room, I knew it was time to go. "She needs to come back Thursday and you
need to come with her," he said from the direction of his desk.

"She needs a break from all of this," I replied
hotly. "She is wearing down and this time won't be so easy to recover for
her."

"Yes, I think she does need a break, but she doesn't
want it."

"I'm leaving town Thursday morning." I ran my
fingers through her hair like I had been doing since she fell asleep and looked
up at the doctor.

"Then next week," he demanded.

I nodded, then stood with Tess in my arms, careful not to
jostle her too much, and carried her out of the office. The nurses were all
standing around staring at us until we made it to the door. She stirred when I
put her in the passenger seat of my car, but didn't open her eyes. I realized
at that moment that she must not have slept all weekend, worried about me
coming with her. I had caused her more stress than I initially thought and I
silently cursed myself for doing that to her.

Maybe she had been right about keeping me at a distance.
No.
We could get through this together. I just needed to be more attentive to what
she needed from me. But she was
not
right about doing this on her own
and I was not going to let her push me away because she thought I would be
better off without her. No way would I be better off. We just needed to get
through this, to understand it better and learn to live with it. I could handle
it. But I wondered if
she
could. She was wearing so thin and I couldn't
help but wonder if she was giving up.

For the first time in years, I felt the very real fear that
I would lose her forever and I wasn't sure that I would actually survive it.

Tessa

I woke up in my bed late Monday afternoon, panicked and
disoriented. I scurried down the stairs to find Charlie sitting in the living
room with my mother looking subdued. When he looked up to see me walk into the
room toward him, he jumped up and hauled me into his arms.

I wanted to pull away, at first. I needed to know what
happened before I let him get any closer to me, but in his arms, I felt strong
and complete. He buried his face in my neck, inhaling deeply, and a flash of
something came into my mind. I pulled back but kept my hands on his shoulders.

"Are you okay?" he asked warily.

I tried to focus on what I saw, what I felt, but before I
could get a grasp on it, it was gone. It felt like trying to recall a dream
that was forgotten the moment you wake, on the very edge of your mind.

I pulled out of his arms completely, shaking off the feeling
that I had missed something extremely important. "What happened?"

He searched my eyes and his expression dropped,
disillusioned. "You don't remember anything at all?"

I sat down on the couch and dropped my head in my hands,
trying to play out everything in my mind. The last thing I remembered was
listening to the recording, then relaxing into the chair while the doctor
started the process we had done several times before. I remembered feeling
nervous that I would do or say something that I would regret later or that one
of the alters would do or say something to Charlie that would make him question
everything he had previously known. I remembered feeling the worry build the
closer I got to going under.

I shook my head and looked back to Charlie, hoping to hide
my guilt. "Nothing after he started the hypnosis. I feel like maybe… I
don't know."

Another flash went through my mind. An image of Charlie
looking down at me determined, but it was foggy, almost like something I
dreamed or…

Oh, God. Why did I have to agree to bring him?

Charlie sighed, but sat down next to me, close enough for
his leg to brush mine. Mom was wringing her hands and looking like she wanted
to burst with questions.

"Mom, go ahead and ask. I'll need to hear it,
too."

She let out a short breath and sat in the recliner across
from us. "All Charlie told me was that something happened that he couldn't
really explain. I knew when he came in carrying you that it was something big.
We've been waiting for you to wake up."

I looked down at my hands, straining to keep the question I
really wanted to ask inside. Was he disgusted with me now? Was I better off
leaving this place again and staying away?

I didn't feel like anything was going to change, I was
completely disconnected from the person I used to be and I didn't feel stable
enough or hopeful enough to go back to her. There was just too much in the way.

"Please tell me you don't have to knock yourself out
again," my mom pleaded.

Charlie looked over at me for confirmation. He obviously
didn't want that either. "I don't know, Mom. Did the doctor tell you
anything?" I asked Charlie.

He shook his head and rubbed the palms of his hands on his
jean clad thighs. "Nothing about any medication, but you were asleep
already so I don't think it will be necessary. He did say that…"

He looked at me nervously and my stomach twisted.
"What? What did he say?"

He took a deep breath and looked down at his hands, looking
unsure of himself which was quite rare these days. "He said he wanted me
with you the next time you go in."

My muscles went rigid and I felt my eyes squeeze shut so
tightly, I thought my eyelids would fuse together. It was hard enough to let
him come
this
time. I hadn't slept at all since the night he asked and I
don't remember a lot of what happened in those two days since. All I remember
is Mom looking concerned anytime I walked into the room.

"Charlie--"

"Wait. Don't," he said and put a hand on my knee.
"I'm leaving town on Thursday for New York. I told him you needed a break
and before you argue about it, he agreed even though he knew you wouldn't like
it."

I felt that bitter nervousness that I hated so much. That
feeling of regression, like I wasn't getting anywhere and I never would. I
couldn't not go. If I didn't go, what would happen then? I could lose it. I
couldn't lose it.

Another flash went through my mind when he squeezed my knee.
His face looking down at me. I felt my heart go heavy like lead, then lift as I
studied his face in my mind. My lungs squeezed tight.

I couldn't handle this.

"Tessa."

Charlie's voice was so soothing. Why did it have to be so
soothing? I didn't want him to have any kind of power over me. I couldn't put
him through that. It would take over his entire life. I didn't want him to have
to learn to live with me, no one should have to
learn
to live with
someone like that.

"Tess, please look at me."

I met his gaze and took a shaky breath.

"Will you come with me? To New York?"

I hadn't been expecting anything like that. I wanted to. I
really did. I wanted to watch him fight, but I couldn't make myself say it. I
couldn't let myself get deeper into him, I couldn't let him make me comfortable
again. It was for his own good.