Every One Of Me (3 page)

My brother always took care of me when we were younger. He
was protective and annoying a lot of the time and chased off a lot of boys that
may or may not have had good potential, but in the end I was grateful for his
interference. I think, because the majority of my childhood was fatherless, he
felt like he should take that position in my life. Sounds pretty unreasonable
for a boy only a few years older to take up that responsibility, but I don't
think things would have gone so smoothly if he hadn't.

After he graduated from high school, he was confident in my
ability to survive without him. That and I always had Charlie looking out for
me. I really think he just wanted to spend a while partying it up since he
didn't get that chance while he was taking care of me and Mom. I don't blame
him at all. But come on… he is engaged to
that?
Something must have
seriously gotten embedded in his brain because never in a million years would I
ever picture my big brother Trevor with someone so… uh, bitchy is not the right
word. Think much,
much
worse. And this was all decided in the few
seconds I spent in her presence. Not a good sign.

They were all waiting patiently - well, most of them were -
for me to begin. I took a deep breath and a sip of tea before I started the
speech I had been caught rehearsing in front of the mirror several times by
Benny. She never laughed or made fun of me, she just gave me a sympathetic nod
and would give me a few pointers here and there. I missed her already and knew
if she were there, she would have my back and throw in a few jokes here and
there to lighten the mood.

"First of all, I'm sorry for disappearing the way I
did. I know that doesn't fix anything, but I want you both to know that I
regretted leaving… I just
had
to." Trevor nodded and my mother just
smiled at me. I loved them both and worried about what me being back would do
to them, but I kept going. "As you know, I had realized that something was
going on when more and more things I couldn't remember were brought to my attention."
Thoughts of Charlie made me pause and swallow passed the regret and shame. He
was the one that had been worried enough to really get me to listen. "I
also realized that I had hurt people without even knowing it. I couldn't just
sit around and wait for something to happen that would hurt you two, so I left.
I don't expect you to understand that, I just hope you accept it, because I
can't change it."

Trevor flinched and reached into his pocket again with an
apologetic smile. His eyes flicked to me briefly when he looked at the screen
and he typed quickly and jammed the phone back into his pocket before giving me
his full attention again. I noticed Ellie was busy examining the color of her
nails and probably trying not to roll her eyes. Her platinum blonde hair was
pin straight and her eyes were like a mix of poop green and yellow barf. Sorry,
only way I know how to describe them other than evil. She had a nice chest, but
I wouldn't call them nice enough to distract someone from her ultimate
bitchiness. That's just me, though.

"Anyway, I moved around a little bit for several years.
I had a few different jobs and made a few friends at first, but I kept noticing
things that didn't make any sense. I would wake up one morning and see things
around my apartment that I had never bought. Things that I would
never
buy. People around me called me by a different name and when I would try to
correct them, they would be so confused and upset, like I had offended them or
… I don't know." I ran my fingers through my hair and grasped at the
little courage I had left. I described some of the things I discovered and what
some of the people said I did.

"A neighbor of mine confronted me one morning and told
me I needed to get some help. Apparently, I had made quite a scene the night
before and I had no recollection of anything. I'm embarrassed to say that it
took as long as it did for me to admit that I couldn't just deal with it on my
own. That's when I called you, Mom. I was already in Massachusetts at the time
and the day after my neighbor told me that, I went straight to the first doctor
I could see and was checked into the behavioral health treatment center later
that day." I winced recalling that first day. The doctor had been so
overwhelmed with what I had told him that he immediately contacted 'The
Facility' and got me into the inpatient program. I told them I didn't have the
money or insurance to pay for the program, but the doctor that was taking over
my treatment said not to worry. They were overly interested in my problem and
were willing to negotiate.

"So, you have been in a mental hospital for the last
year?" Ellie asked, letting us all know that the only thing she heard was
'behavioral health treatment center'.

I shook my head and breathed through the simmer of anger I
felt. "You could call it a mental hospital if that helps you understand,
but it was really a treatment center for people who are trying to get help for
something they can't really control. None of us were really considered mental
patients."

She shrugged as if it made no difference that her fiancé's
sister might be offended by her words. I made the decision to just ignore her
until I went to bed.

"And? Did they help? Did they figure out what was
wrong?" Trevor asked.

Mom had been sitting quietly with her hands in her lap the
whole time I had been speaking. She gave no indication that any of this was
stressing her out or that her daughter might be considered a freak. I described
some of the things that were discussed with my doctor along with some of the therapy
I had gone through, then I just couldn't speak about it anymore. "I don't
really feel like getting into everything tonight. A lot has happened, but I
want you to know that I am continuing to receive the help I need and will
hopefully find a way to control what is happening." I looked my mother in
the eyes for several long seconds, then turned to Trevor and did the same.
"I have been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder."

There was silence for a few heart beats before Ellie decided
we all needed to hear her voice. "And what is
that
?" She
looked slightly disgusted, but when she looked at Trevor and saw his expression
- which was one of confusion and shock - she looked a little amused.

I wanted to punch her stupid perfect little nose that I had
no doubt was the result of plastic surgery. I spoke firmly and narrowed my eyes
at my target, "It's another way of saying I have multiple personality
disorder."

Unfortunately, I didn't get to see her reaction because the
loud knock on the front door made all of us jump in surprise. Trevor looked at
me nervously and I glared back at him. He knew who that was and he knew I
wasn't going to be happy about it. My stomach lurched when my mom gave him a
stern, but knowing glance and hurried to the door.

My heart rate jumped and I tried to force my body to get up
and run like a bat out of hell to the safety of my bedroom and barricade the
door. My body wasn't cooperating, though, and I was too busy doing the
breathing exercises I had been taught to go through when I felt a build-up of
stress. I couldn't see the front door from where I was sitting. The wall
separating the living room from the foyer just blocked the recliner I was
sitting in. If I really wanted to see, however, all I had to do was stand and
move back about three feet.

Trevor hadn't taken his eyes off of me and Ellie was back to
looking at her nails. The deafening sound of the doorknob turning and short
squeak of the heavy door being pulled open almost burst through the little
control I had.

Trevor took a deep breath, "I'm sorry, Tess. He
just--"

"Where is she?" I heard the deep familiar baritone
coming from the front door and was on my feet before I could stop myself.

"We just got home not even an hour ago," my mom
said quietly.

Two more steps and I would be in full view, and yes, my feet
were already going. I could now see my mother's small frame blocking everything
from the shoulders down of the one man I was not prepared to see, but
strangely, had seen every single day for the last 5 years every time I closed
my eyes.

"Sarah, please. I have to see--" His words stopped
abruptly when he looked up and saw me in the doorway. His brilliant green eyes
roamed over my face before taking in the rest of me. He exhaled sharply as if
he had been holding that particular breath for far too long. His face was still
familiar, but more masculine with a stronger jaw line and a darker complexion.
His eyes were as green as grass in late spring and his hair was still the
perfect dark brown I remembered. His nose was just slightly crooked like it had
been broken and his lips, the part of him I had always tried to forget, were…
still his. Soft, full, and powerful. "Tess," he whispered.

My knees almost buckled hearing my name on those lips, but I
was stronger now. I could control my reactions to him. Right? My shaking hands
were trying to convince me otherwise. It was like the last 5 years had never
happened and I was still the same 18 year old girl who pined after her best
friend in secret and became incredibly skilled at hiding the way she felt. I
thought I would have been a crumbling mess from the lack of practice, but
surprisingly enough, I was still standing strong.

Then my mother moved out of the way and I got a look at the
rest of him. I had to grasp the door frame for support. He used to be skinny.
Not scrawny, but skinny and kind of boyish. But in the last five years, he had
become a man and had obviously been working out. A lot.

His shoulders were much wider than I remembered and I
couldn't recall his t-shirts hugging his torso quite that deliciously before. I
could tell that his stomach was ripped from where I stood and I just knew,
without seeing, that if he were to take his shirt off, he would have that
glorious V at his hips and his jeans would hang just right.

I saw all of this in a matter of seconds, but my perusal was
halted when he took a few large strides toward me and his arms wrapped around
my waist and lifted me off the ground, crushing me in a hug meant for lovers,
not strangers.

Best friends turned strangers. That was what we were, now.
My Charlie was a stranger because my heart wouldn't be able to handle anything
else. His strong hold on me tried to convince me otherwise.

Charlie

"Tess. I can't believe it," I murmured against her
neck and inhaled deeply. I shuddered at the slam of her familiar scent. She had
always smelled like sweet mint and rain. Good to know some things hadn't
changed. Her dark brown hair was a lot longer now and she was slimmer than I
remembered, but her eyes were the same. Chocolate and caramel and just as
compelling.

Five years. It had been five years since I had last seen or
talked to her and the hole I had felt in my chest since, kept reminding me of
what she had left behind and what she had taken away. Now, with my arms wrapped
around her, that hole didn't exist. It was filled completely and for the first
time in five years, I felt like I could breathe.

"You're here. You're really here," I said, setting
her on her feet and pulling back just enough to see her face again. Her cheeks
were flushed and her lips parted when I took another close look at her. She was
always much shorter than me with the top of her head just reaching my
shoulders. I never really liked tall girls, probably because they were so
different from Tess. She was no more than 5'4"and now that she had
apparently lost weight, I felt like I could pick her up and tuck her in my
pocket. She still had curves to die for, though, and I had died many times over
the years watching every one of those curves gracefully move.

Her expression was pained as she stepped back and pulled out
of the hold I had around her waist. "What are you doing here?" she
asked shakily.

Her words sounded cold, but her face said something
completely different and I knew what she was about to do. She had done it so
many times when we were younger. She thought she was good at acting cold or
indifferent, but she had really sucked at it. Still did. I always acted like I
didn't know any better just to humor her. I liked seeing the relief on her face
when she thought she had successfully tricked me into thinking what she wanted.
Not this time, though. I couldn't let her push me away. I
wouldn't
let
her.

I was too in love with her to let her go again.

"Tess, it's been five years. What do you
think
I'm doing here? Trevor said you were home so I came right over." I glanced
over at her brother as she turned and glared at him, and he just had to look
sheepish and innocent enough to make me forget how mad I had been at him. He
and Sarah hadn't told me anything over the years. Well, Sarah hadn't said
anything. I got Trevor to talk a few times, but only because I could do some
physical harm to him. I had texted Trevor to ditch the bitch and come over for
a drink and when he replied that he was reuniting with his long lost sister, it
took me a good 10 minutes to understand what he meant. I told him I was on my
way and he made a lame attempt to stop me by saying
'not your best idea'
.

Tess backed up a little further and looked down at her
hands. "Well, I was just heading up to bed. I've had a long day.
Goodnight."

Then she was gone. Up the stairs and out of sight and the
hole that had been filled, cracked open again. I stared after her in stunned silence
and it took all my strength to stay where I was. I must have looked pathetic
because Sarah stepped forward to give me a hug and she looked like she was
about to cry.

"I'm sorry, Charlie. She just isn't ready. She has been
through a lot and I don't think any of us can expect her to be very social
right now." She looked up at me and patted my cheek. "Don't worry,
though. She will come around. Come on, let's sit."