Everything Changes (25 page)

I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t. I wanted
him here with me. I wanted our summer where everything was the same for once
and not changing. I wanted to look out my bedroom window and see the dust cloud
and the hum of his 250 screaming through the forest.

When I least expected it, I would see a
commercial for the upcoming season with Parker standing next to a few
competitors. Honestly, my television was always on ESPN in hopes that I would
catch a glimpse of him.

And those were the moment his memory would come
to me, and I would smile remembering his shy smirks and sighs and the clothes I
stole from him.

I missed my boy.

CHAPTER
13

Rowan
Jensen

Off Camber

This is a turn where the outside of the curve is
sloped downward.

September
28, 1997

It didn’t matter that I was in full-blown
depression. I still had to work and go to school. Thankfully,
Addy
was there to keep from turning into traumatized little
ball. She would have rather been spending time with her boyfriend, but she was
there for me helping me through it.

She was there for me every night when I would
fall apart providing endless patience and giving me plenty of time to hurt
because hurting was what I was doing.

The only distractions I had from that hurt was of
course school and work.

Sunday mornings were always quiet since we were
technically closed, but the shop was usually open while I finished up paperwork
from the previous day. Being at the shop was the one place I felt close to
Parker. When I closed my eyes, I would imagine that he was here, working, and
when I opened my eyes, I would imagine that he was standing in front of me,
smiling, waiting to drag me back to the parts room. But he wasn’t.

That’s when Sean found me. I was actually
surprised that
Addy
wasn’t there that morning, but
she called and said her and Justin went to the beach for the weekend.

Justin had stayed in Shelton. Usually, Justin
would have went with Parker and his family, but once he started dating
Addy
, he couldn’t leave. He got an apartment and went to
work for my dad full time to be with his girl. Part of me was insanely jealous
of
Addy
because her boy stayed and mine left. I
wondered how Parker felt about Justin staying too.

I had all these thoughts and conclusions and just
plain confusion in my head and no real way to wrap my mind around what
happened, so I was just there, depressed and just there.

Sean cocked his head at me and pushed a cup of
coffee my way, leaning towards me. “Are you okay?”

For such a simple question, it was a loaded one
for me. Parker filled that question with shy smiles and fading memories. My
urge to cry was stronger than I wanted it to be.
Addy
wasn’t there and Sean was with open ears ready to listen.

So I did. I bit the bullet and told someone how
sad I was and how much it hurt that my first heartbreak was destroying me.

“I miss Parker.” I said, bowing my head, my
cheeks getting hot.

“Sorry,” Sean said, not really reacting to my
confession. “That first heartbreak is always the worst, huh?”

I nodded, feeling the tears I didn’t want to shed
slide down my face.

I wasn’t sure why, but he asked me out after that
which seemed weird. I said no because it was too soon. I wasn’t sure I would
ever date again after Parker. I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

Sean shrugged, his eyes getting cold, his smile
falling from defeat. “Maybe next time?”

“Yeah, next time.”

Sean nodded as an understanding look came over
him. “I’ll hold you to it,” he said and then raised his brows at me, his eyes
getting softer.

I never thought other boys found me interesting.
In my mind, Parker was the only one. So now I found it strange that ones I had
known all my life were suddenly interested in me.

That next time came on my birthday.

That time I went with him because, well, it was
my birthday and the one boy I wanted to go with wasn’t there and he didn’t
call.

It wasn’t until I was alone, with the lights off,
when I felt the pain the most. And that was when I would let the pain flood. I
would throw my arms over my head and welcome back Parker’s memory. I would beg
it to come back because as much as it was killing me, as much as it hurt, I
didn’t want to forget anything. I would go back over everything endlessly,
committing it to memory. I wanted to remember his hair and his shoulders, the
way his cheeks flushed, and those long dark lashes. I wanted to remember the
way he looked on his bike and the smile he had when riding. I wanted to
remember everything he ever said to me, the shape of his hands, the smell of
his skin, and the taste of his mouth. I never wanted to forget.

October
16, 1997

After Parker left, I was a distant version of
myself to say the least. A distant, depressed version that was constantly
wondering what he was doing, who he was with, and if he was giving someone else
all those shy smiles and winks. Was someone else in his bed? Was someone else
kissing him? Was someone else wearing his hoodies and sneaking into tree houses
with him?

That was when the disappointment came in. I let a
boy in and the boy broke a heart that he never knew was his. Then the girl felt
the pain she never wanted to feel.

I’d like to say I recovered, but as the winter
progressed, I didn’t. The hands of time moved and I stayed frozen as winter
took over.

Addy
tried
daily to get me to cheer up and so did Justin, but nothing worked. I almost
felt like she wouldn’t understand. She had Justin. Surely she wouldn’t feel the
pain I was feeling. In my mind, no one had ever felt the way I had. My gut told
me no one would understand.

Mom and Dad tried as well, but nothing worked. I
had a broken heart and nothing could put it back together. After a while, even
I was worried about myself. I had lost around ten pounds, ten pounds I didn’t
need to lose, and I was getting sick constantly. My body was trying to tell me
I was being stupid, but just like my heart that begged me to call Parker, I
didn’t listen.

Alone in my bed at night with the pale moonlight
shining in, I remembered him. I thought about what he was doing and if he was
thinking of me.

I didn’t have his phone number or his address so
I couldn’t call or write. Did I really want to?

I was just pathetic enough to sit around and wait
for everything to change. I was still in love with him and that wouldn’t
change. It couldn’t.

January
7, 1998

The shitty thing about the situation and
something I kept kicking myself for was that I never gave him a chance. I just
assumed we were over. What else was I supposed to think? He left. In the eyes
of that seventeen-year-old girl that
was
breaking up.

Parker was the first boy I had ever considered a
boyfriend. And though we never did come out and classify our relationship that
summer as girlfriend/boyfriend status, I just assumed that was what we were
until he left.

Now, knowing all this, what I
never
thought about was that Parker would consider us still together after he left.

The AMA Supercross season began in January that
year, and I watched it in the privacy of my bedroom so I could cry like a baby
any time the camera scanned to him or they interviewed him.

I didn’t sleep that night, or the next, or the
next. It seemed I threw myself into some sort of pattern that any time I saw
him, I couldn’t sleep or eat the days following, and that wasn’t even seeing
him in person. What would happen to me if I actual saw him?

After round two in Phoenix,
Addy
clipped an article out of the Seattle Times for me.

Parker
O’Neil wins first two rounds of the 1998 AMA Supercross West Series for the 125
Lites
division!

It went on to talk about his career highlights,
but the part that caught my attention was they asked about his relationship
status since he was eighteen in a sport that was becoming wildly popular among
the female population.

He was quoted, in Phoenix I might add, nearly
three months since I last saw him saying, “Nah, that’s not for me. I have a
girl back in the northwest.”

Was that me?

I hadn’t heard from him, but on Christmas roses
were mysteriously delivered to my house with a note that simply said:
I
haven’t forgotten
.

I didn’t know what that meant, and at that point,
I didn’t care to look into it. The boy broke my heart and like it or not, I was
eighteen and still lacked maturity and absolutely no common sense.

Not long after reading that article, I was
intending to finish up some homework until I found myself browsing the web and
decided to take a peek at the AMA’s website.

When I logged onto their website, given internet
was fairly new at that time and our computer was about as speedy as cows
crossing the road, I
was
able to find his profile on the AMA website.

It had been exactly three months since he left,
so I glanced up at the date the profile was added and it said yesterday’s date.
A sharp pain shot through me knowing I hadn’t heard from him since he left, yet
the website had been updated with his information.

It was as though I was jealous of the stupid
website for knowing him better than I did. Pathetic.

Reading on, I stared at the picture for about ten
minutes. He was dressed in riding gear, his mop of dark hair scattered in odd
directions, and had that shy smile I loved. The picture was a shot of him at
his first race in Anaheim last month when he won. His arms were raised to the
crowd, eyes closed and a smile gracing his beautiful lips. Another pain
overcame me knowing he was living his dream and I was frozen in time, wishing a
boy didn’t break my heart.

The words below the picture read:

Parker
O’Neil on his first AMA Supercross win in
Anaheim

Underneath that was a short bio of him.

Parker
Aaron O’Neil

Birth
date:
September 1, 1980

Birthplace:
Canoga Park, CA

Residence:
Anaheim, CA

Height:
6’0

Weight:
170
lbs

Turned
Pro:
1994

National
Number:
00

Bio:
Parker O’Neil, a California
native, is a racer known for his early Motocross success in the AMA 125cc/
Lites
Outdoor National Motocross series. At fourteen, he
dominated the series and was in contention for the series title when he lost
his factory ride for engaging in unsportsmanlike conduct. He’s back now racing
for Yamaha after Wesley Cameron was injured with something to prove in the AMA
125
Lites
West Coast Supercross series racing.

I wondered how he was doing with being back in
the spotlight, if he had fears, if women were throwing themselves at him. I
wondered how he was dealing with Dusty and if Kayla was around.

Eventually, I logged off and went about my life
or tried too. I felt not only sad by his departure but ashamed at how just
because of him I let everything else in my life slip away. I didn’t talk to
friends, not that I had all that many. I avoided questions from my parents, and
most of all, I wasn’t there for my best friend who was in love. Just because I
couldn’t have what I wanted, I acted like a child. Talk about being a horrible
person.

January
26, 1998

When I least expected it, after Parker’s win in
round four at Oakland, I got a call.

“Rowan, the phone is for you.” My mom called from
the bottom of the stairs. My eyes burned from staring at the screen all day as
I tried to finish up my homework before finals.

I blinked, focusing on the phone sitting next to
me.

“Hello?” I asked, picking it up thinking it was
Addy
asking me to tag along with her and Justin again.
Immediately, I was already trying to think of my next lie to her.

“Rowan?” A beautifully flowing soft murmur came
over the line. No one said my name the way he did.

My heart was in my throat immediately. “Parker?”

“Yeah,” was all he said before I heard a deep
sigh.

The line cracked a few times, and I briefly
thought maybe we got disconnected. Then I heard him breathing lightly. He
seemed hesitant, scared, or maybe depressed. Despite not wanting to give in, I
did. “Are you okay?”

“No, I miss you,” he said. “I’m
not
okay.
Far from that actually.” His voice was desperate, just as desperate as I had
been holding on to something I thought I’d never hear from again.