Everything Is Illuminated (15 page)

T
HE ALARM
made a noise at 6:00 of the morning, but it was not a consequential noise, because Grandfather and I had not manufactured even one Z among us. "Go get the Jew," Grandfather said. "I will loiter downstairs." "Breakfast?" I asked. "Oh," he said. "Let us descend to the restaurant and eat breakfast. Then you will get the Jew." "What about his breakfast?" "They will not have anything without meat, so we should not make him an uncomfortable person." "You are smart," I told him.

We were very circumspect when we departed our room so that we would not manufacture any noise. We did not want the hero to be aware that we were eating. When we roosted at the restaurant Grandfather said, "Eat very much. It will be a long day, and who could be certain when we will eat next?" For this reason we ordered three breakfasts for the two of us, and ate very much sausage, which is a delicious food. When we finished, we purchased chewing gum from the waitress so that the hero would not uncover breakfast from our mouths. "Get the Jew," Grandfather said. "I will loiter with patience in the car."

I am certain that the hero was not reposing, because before I could punch for the second time, he unclosed the door. He was already in clothing, and I could see that he was donning his fanny pack. "Sammy Davis, Junior, Junior ate all of my documents." "This is not possible," I said, although in truth I knew that it was possible. "I put them on the bedside table when I went to sleep, and when I woke up this morning she was chewing them. This is all I was able to wrestle free." He exhibited a half-masticated passport and several pieces of maps. "The photograph!" I said. "It's OK. I've got lots of copies. She only got through a couple before I stopped her." "I am so ashamed." "What troubles me," he said, "is that she wasn't in the room when I went to sleep and closed the door." "She is such a smart bitch." "She must be," he said, using his x-ray vision with me. "It is because she is Jewish that she is so smart." "Well, I'm just glad that she didn't eat my glasses." "She would not eat your glasses." "She ate my driver's license. She ate my student ID, my credit card, a bunch of cigarettes, some of my money..." "But she would not eat your glasses. She is not an animal."

"Listen," he said, "what do you say we have a little breakfast?" "What?" "Breakfast," he said, putting his hands on his stomach. "No," I said, "I think it is superior if we commence the search. We want to search as much as possible while light still exists." "But it's only 6:30." "Yes, but it will not be 6:30 forever. Look," I said, and pointed to my watch, which is a Rolex from Bulgaria, "it is already 6:31. We are misplacing time." "Maybe a little something?" he said. "What?" "Just a cracker. I'm really hungry." "This cannot be negotiated. I think it is best—" "We have a minute or two. What's that on your breath?" "You will have one mochaccino in the restaurant downstairs, and that will be the end of the conversation. You must try to pull a fast one." He began to say something, and I put my fingers on my lips. This signified: SHUT UP!

"Back for more breakfast?" the waitress asked. "She says, Good morning, would you like a mochaccino?" "Oh," he said. "Tell her yes. And maybe some bread or something." "He is an American," I said. "I know," she said, "I can see." "But he does not eat meat, so just give him a mochaccino." "He does not eat meat!" "Rapid bowel proceedings," I said, because I did not want to embarrass him. "What are you telling her?" "I told her not to make it too watery." "Good. I hate it when it's watery." "So just one mochaccino will be adequate," I told the waitress, who was a very beautiful girl with the most breasts I had ever seen. "We do not have any." "What is she saying?" "Then give him a cappuccino." "We do not have any cappuccino." "What is she saying?" "She says mochaccinos are special today, because they are coffee." "What?" "Would you like to do the Electric Slide with me at a famous discotheque tonight?" I asked the waitress. "Will you bring the American?" she asked. Oh, did this piss all over me! "He is a Jew," I said, and I know that I should not have uttered that, but I was beginning to feel very awful about myself. The problem is that I felt more awful after uttering it. "Oh," she said. "I have never seen a Jew before. Can I see his horns?" (It is possible that you will think she did not inquire this, Jonathan, but she did. Without a doubt, you do not have horns, so I told her to attend to her own affairs and merely bring a coffee for the Jew and two orders of sausage for the bitch, because who could be certain when she would eat again.)

When the coffee arrived, the hero drank only a small amount. "This tastes terrible," he said. It is one thing for him to not eat meat, and it is another thing for him to make Grandfather loiter in the car asleep, but it is another thing for him to slander our coffee. "YOU WILL DRINK THE COFFEE UNTIL I CAN SEE MY FACE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CUP!" I did not mean to roar. "But it's a clay cup." "I DO NOT CARE!" He finished the coffee. "You did not have to finish it," I said, because I could perceive that he was rebuilding the Great Wall of China with shit bricks. "It's OK," he said, and put the cup down on the table. "It was really good coffee. Delicious. I'm stuffed." "What?" "We can go whenever you want." A simpleton, I thought. Two tons.

It captured several minutes to recover Grandfather from his sleep. He had locked himself in the car, and all of the windows were sealed. I had to punch the glass with very much violence in order to make him not sleep. I was surprised that the glass did not fracture. When Grandfather finally opened his eyes, he did not know where he was. "Anna?" "No, Grandfather," I said through the window, "it is me, Sasha." He closed his hands and also his eyes. "I thought you were someone else." He touched the wheel with his head. "We are primed to go," I said through the window. "Grandfather?" He made a large breath and opened the doors.

"How do we get there?" Grandfather inquired me, who was in the front seat, because when I am in a car I always sit in the front seat, unless the car is a motorcycle, because I do not know how to operate a motorcycle, although I will very soon. The hero was in the back seat with Sammy Davis, Junior, Junior, and they were attending to their own affairs: the hero masticated the nails of his fingers, and the bitch masticated her tail. "I do not know," I said. "Inquire the Jew," he ordered, so I did. "I don't know," he said. "He does not know." "What do you mean he does not know?" said Grandfather. "We are in the car. We are primed to go forth on our voyage. How can he not know?" His voice was now with volume, and it frightened Sammy Davis, Junior, Junior, making her bark. BARK. I asked the hero, "What do you mean you do not know?" "I told you everything I know. I thought one of you was supposed to be the trained and certified Heritage guide. I paid for a certified guide, you know." Grandfather punched the car's horn, and it made a sound. HONK. "Grandfather is certified!" I informed him, BARK, which was faithfully faithful, although he was certified to operate an automobile, not find lost history. HONK. "Please!" I said at Grandfather. BARK. HONK. "Please! You are making this impossible!" HONK! BARK! "Shut up," he said, "and shut the bitch up and shut the Jew up!" BARK! "Please!" HONK! "You're sure he's certified?" "Of course," I said. HONK! "I would not deceive." BARK! "Do something," I told Grandfather. HONK! "Not that!" I said with volume. BARK! He commenced to drive the automobile that he was fully certified to drive. "Where are we going?" The hero and I manufactured this query at the same time. "SHUT UP!" he said, and I did not have to translate that for the hero.

He drove us to a petrol store that we passed on the way to the hotel the night yore. We arrested in front of the petrol machine. A man came to the window. He was very svelte, and had petrol in his eyes. "Yes?" the man asked. "We are looking for Trachimbrod," Grandfather said. "We do not have any," the man said. "It is a place. We are trying to find it." The man turned to a group of men standing in front of the store. "Do we have anything called trachimbrod?" They all elevated their shoulders and continued to talk to themselves. "Apologies," he said, "we do not have any." "No," I said, "it is the name of a place we are searching for. We are trying to find the girl who saved his grandfather from the Nazis." I pointed to the hero. "What?" the man asked. "What?" the hero asked. "Shut up," Grandfather told me. "We have a map," I told the man. "Present me the map," I ordered the hero. He investigated his bag. "Sammy Davis, Junior, Junior ate it." "It is not possible," I said, although again I knew that it was possible. "Mention him some of the other names of the towns and perhaps one will sound informal." The petrol man leaned his head in the car. "Kovel," the hero said, "Kivertsy, Sokeretchy." "Kolki," Grandfather said. "Yes, yes," the petrol man said, "I have heard of all of these towns." "And you could direct us to them?" I asked. "Of course. They are very proximal. Maybe thirty kilometers distant. No more. Merely travel north on the superway, and then east through the farmlands." "But you have never heard of Trachimbrod?" "Say it again to me." "Trachimbrod." "No, but many of the towns have new names." "Jon-fen," I said, turning back, "what was the other name for Trachimbrod?" "Sofiowka." "Do you know of Sofiowka?" I asked the man. "No," he said, "but it sounds like something that is more similar to something I have heard of. There are many villages in that area. Perhaps there are nine or even more. Once you become proximal, you could inquire anyone and they would be able to inform you where to find what you are investigating for." (Jonathan, this man spoke not so good Ukrainian, but I have made it sound abnormally good in my translation for the story. If it would appease you, I could counterfeit his substandard utterances.) The man fashioned a map on a piece of paper that Grandfather excavated from the drawer for gloves, where I will keep lubricated extra-large condoms when I have the car of my dreams. (They will not be ribbed for her pleasure, because there is no need, if you understand what I mean.) They made conversation about the map for many minutes. "Here," the hero said. He was holding a package of Marlboro cigarettes at the petrol man. "What the hell is he doing?" Grandfather inquired. "What the hell is he doing?" the petrol man inquired. "What the hell are you doing?" I inquired. "For his help," he said. "I read in my guidebook that it's hard to get Marlboro cigarettes here, and that you should bring several packs with you wherever you go, and give them as tips." "What is a tip?" "It's something you give someone in exchange for help." "So OK, you are informed that you will be paying for this trip with currency, yes?" "No, not like that," he said. "Tips are for small things, like directions, or for the valet." "Valet?" "He does not eat meat," Grandfather told the petrol man. "Oh." "Valet," the hero said, "the guy who parks your car." America is always proving itself greater than I thought.

It was already 7:10 when we were driving again. It captured only several minutes for us to find the superway. I must confess that it was a beautiful day, with much light of the sun. "It is beautiful, yes?" I said to the hero. "What?" "The day. It is a beautiful day." He put down the glass of his window, which was acceptable because Sammy Davis, Junior, Junior was sleeping, and he put his head outside of the car. "Yes," he said. "It's absolutely beautiful." This made me proud, and I told Grandfather, and he smiled, and I could perceive that he also became a very proud person. "Inform him about Odessa," Grandfather said. "Inform him how beautiful it is there." "In Odessa," I rotated to the hero and said, "it is more beautiful than even this. You have never witnessed a thing similar to it." "I'd like to hear about it," he said, and opened his diary. "He wants to hear about Odessa," I told Grandfather, because I wanted for him to like the hero. "Inform him that the sand on the beaches is more soft than a woman's hairs, and that the water is like the inside of a woman's mouth." "The sand on the beaches is like a woman's mouth." "Inform him," Grandfather said, "that Odessa is the most wonderful place to become in love, and also to make a family." So I informed the hero. "Odessa," I said, "is the most wonderful place to become in love, and also to make a family." "Have you ever fallen in love?" he inquired me, which seemed like such a queer inquiry, so I returned it to him. "Have you?" "I don't know," he said. "Nor I," I said. "I've been close to love." "Yes." "Really close, like almost there." "Almost." "But never, I don't think." "No." "Maybe I should go to Odessa," he said. "I could fall in love. It sounds like that would make more sense than Trachimbrod." We both laughed. "What is he saying?" Grandfather inquired. I told him, and he also laughed. All of this felt so wonderful. "Show me the map," Grandfather said. He examined it while he drove, making his blindness even less trustworthy, I must confess.

We made an exit from the superway. Grandfather returned me the map. "We will drive for approximately twenty kilometers, and then we will inquire someone about Trachimbrod." "That is reasonable," I said. It sounded like a queer thing to say, but I have never known what to say to Grandfather without it sounding queer. "I know it is reasonable," he said. "Of course it is reasonable." "May I view Augustine again?" I asked the hero. (Here I must confess that I had been desiring to view her since the hero first exhibited her to me. But I was ashamed to make this known.) "Of course," he said, and excavated his fanny pack. He had many duplicates, and removed one like a playing card. "Here you go."

I observed the photograph while he observed the beautiful day. Augustine had such pretty hairs. They were thin hairs. I did not need to touch them to be certain. Her eyes were blue. Even though the photograph lacked color, I was certain that her eyes were blue. "Look at those fields," the hero said with his finger outside of the car. "They're so green." I told Grandfather what the hero said. "Tell him that the land is premium for farming." "Grandfather desires me to tell you that the land is very premium for farming." "And tell him that much of this land was destroyed when the Nazis came, but before it was yet more beautiful. They bombed with airplanes and then advanced through it in tanks." "But it does not appear like this." "They made it all again after the war. Before it was different." "You were here before the war?" "Look at those people working in their underwear in the fields," the hero said from the back seat. I inquired Grandfather about this. "This is not abnormal," he said. "It is very hot in the morning. Too hot to be anxious about clothing." I told the hero. He was covering many pages in his diary. I wanted Grandfather to continue the before conversation, and to tell me when he was in the area, but I could perceive that the conversation had been finished. "They're such old people working," the hero said. "Some of those women must be sixty or seventy." I inquired Grandfather about this, because I also did not find it canny. "It is canny," he said. "In the fields, you toil until you are not able to toil. Your great-grandfather died in the fields." "Did Great-Grandmother work in the fields?" "She was working with him when he died." "What is he saying?" the hero inquired, and again he prohibited Grandfather from continuing, and again when I viewed Grandfather I could perceive that it was the end of the conversation.