Expecting: A Novel (22 page)

Elephants are pregnant for almost two years. Their babies can weigh 250 pounds at birth. Baby Buddy must weigh at least 250 pounds already.
My
marriage
might
fail
, Laurie tells herself,
but
at
least
I’ll make it into the
Guinness Book of World Records.
That’s something Buddy can always be proud of.

Her due date is a week away, and she is impatient and short-tempered, and impatient at being short-tempered. Jack is studying all the time; Alan is calling, but the conversations remain short. Yes, he’ll be at the hospital. He hopes she’s doing well. Does she need anything?
For
us
to
be
living
in
the
same
house
again
, she’d like to say to him. He is doing the best he can. She knows he is, but honestly, at nine months pregnant, her back constantly aching, her feet too fat for her shoes, sometimes doing the best you can isn’t remotely close to being good enough.

Are elephants smart enough to be depressed and impatient during their long pregnancies? She bets there’s no Lamaze for elephants. No
pant
pant
pant
, deep, cleansing breath bullshit. No epidurals either. That must suck. Of course, female elephants probably have supportive male elephants with them during their pregnancy and labor—no, of course they don’t. They have mates like Alan—selfish and plotting affairs with other elephants.

Alan tells Laurie he’s watched Lamaze videos online so he’s caught up. It’s exciting; he can’t wait. And she believes him, but what will it be like in the delivery room, the two of them together again? Awkward. Will they be cool toward each other?

It feels like years ago, a lifetime ago when she and Alan made the decision. They were traveling, taking advantage of being young and married and eager to go anywhere and try anything. They’d found themselves at the top of a small waterfall in Costa Rica and everything around them was bright green and lush and sauna warm, and they looked down at the bottom of the falls, to a small green/blue circle of water. A few other people were jumping, but Laurie hesitated.

“I’m scared,” she said.

“Me too.” Alan smiled at her. “You know what? I think we should go to another country.”

“What? Are you saying that so I don’t have to jump?”

“I’m saying that because I think it’s time.” He paused. “For a
metaphorical
another country.”

Laurie didn’t say anything.

“Traveling with you is fantastic,” Alan said. “But we need a new adventure.”

“All these metaphors, my head can’t keep track of them. Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?”

Alan nodded. “A baby.”

“A baby.”

“You and me. Our baby. It’s the next step, right? Part two of our lives?”

Laurie looked down to the pool at the base of the waterfall. It seemed so far away. “Our baby. Yeah, that’s some adventure.” She grinned at Alan. “I don’t know what’s scarier—this waterfall or…” She trailed off. “I would love to have a baby,” she said.

“So? Are you ready?”

“We have to get pregnant? Right now? Here?”

“No, silly. After. Assuming we survive the fall.”

At that moment, Laurie couldn’t imagine being married to anyone else. Alan was the man she loved, in spite of his invisible eyebrows. And soon he would be the father of their child.

“The jump part, you can go first,” she said.

“No way. We’re in this together.” He took her hand.

They closed their eyes. And jumped.

***

Baby Buddy kicks twice—little taps as if he’s preparing for one big kick.

“Be patient, Buddy. Like me. Well, not like me. But be patient anyway.”

***

She has to go to Trader Joe’s. What should she make for dinner? Jack likes pizza, and it’s easy to buy Trader Joe’s ready-made pizza dough and add fresh veggies and cheese. The pizza stone in the oven helps too. Of course, that’s probably some babyproof kitchen no-no—hasn’t she heard about all the children who are knocked unconscious when hot pizza stones fall out of the oven and land on their heads?

She writes down a shopping list for Trader Joe’s: dark-chocolate-covered pretzels—she’ll only get one bag this time. And not vegetable pizza tonight. Prosciutto and mozzarella. She’ll be good and have one slice. Or two. Buddy kicks again, and she takes that as a sign.
Yes, Buddy. I’ll have two slices of pizza. After all, you’re a growing boy.

The lady at the Safe-Tee Baby store shows him the choke tube tester. “Babies put everything in their mouths,” she explains. “
Everything
.” She drops two marbles inside the plastic tube where they fit easily. “See?” She nods ominously.

Alan wonders how children ever survived without a choke tube tester.
Shouldn’t our planet be extinct?

“This is our most popular newborn toy,” she says as she holds up a brightly colored stuffed horse and rider. “Sir Prance-a-lot.” She makes the horse gallop on the counter. Alan reads the attached tag:

Sir Prance-a-lot to the rescue! Clip this whimsical activity toy to your stroller or car seat, and it will keep baby busy wherever you go. Crinkle, jingle, clack, squeak, touch…we’re off on a learning adventure! This darling baby horse toy features a vibrant mix of colors, textures, teethers, ribbons, knots, and activities, all carefully designed to stimulate baby’s senses.

“And you want to make sure to stimulate your baby’s senses, don’t you?” the clerk says.

No, he’ll let baby Buddy grow up in a room with no light, no music, no physical touch, no crinkle, jingle, clack, or squeak sounds. Buddy’s life will be an interesting social experiment. He’s sure Laurie will go along with the idea.

“You’ve got all your baby gates and knob guards and toilet locks? Because an accident can happen like
that
.” The clerk snaps her fingers.

“How many children do you have?” Alan asks her.

“None. Not yet,” she says. “Do you need anything gift wrapped?”

Alan declines; he’ll wrap everything himself. Laurie has always accused him of being inept at wrapping presents. He’ll look for online tips, wrap the baby gifts so cleverly she’ll think he’s had them done professionally, and when he tells her
he’s
done it, she won’t believe him. She’ll fall in his arms and the past few weeks will be forgotten.

Unless Jack is there and wants to watch Laurie open presents and Jack will sit close to her and laugh at Sir Prance-a-lot and the choke tube tester—who would choose dumb baby presents like that?

***

Friends at work talk about buying their wives “push presents” to reward them for giving birth—pearl necklaces, diamond tennis bracelets. Laurie isn’t a big jewelry person, but Alan found a silver necklace with a tiny diamond cross. Very subtle, elegant, and pretty. A push present or a “forgive me for screwing up big time” present? Both? He’ll wrap up the baby presents, keep the diamond cross necklace in his pocket, and give it to her after the baby is born. But tonight he’ll stop by a florist and Laurie’s favorite Thai food place. Show up at the house and surprise her.

Back at his apartment, he wraps presents using a “Wrap the Perfect Gift” site he’s found on the web.
Laurie
will
be
impressed
, he thinks as he makes perfect flaps for one end of the box. He wonders if Laurie’s called today, and he reaches in his pocket for his BlackBerry, but it’s not there and he has a flash of seeing it on the counter at the Safe-Tee Baby store. Damn. He could call, but the store is probably closed. He’ll stop by in the morning.

He returns to his wrapping. The other end of the box looks as good as the first.

He can’t wait to see the look on Laurie’s face.

“It’s time to tell them,” Subhra says on the phone. “They’re going to be grandparents. They have a right to know.”

“No, they don’t. And you promised—”

“But I’m excited. I’m almost an aunt. Do you feel like a father?” Subhra asks him.

“Not really. Maybe a little.” He’s explained how Alan moved out and Subhra asks what kind of man would desert his wife when she’s about to have a baby. Jack defends Alan—he didn’t desert Laurie. It was sort of a mutual decision.

Subhra remains skeptical. “So now Laurie is depending on
you
for emotional support?”

“I shouldn’t have told you any of this,” he says.

“Sorry—I didn’t mean that about the emotional support. I’m sure you’ve been terrific. And I’m sorry I’m missing your graduation. Mom’s promised to take tons of pictures. Dad bought a new video camera. Hey, maybe they could stay in L.A. until the baby is born.”

“You’re starting to make me crazy. I have to study now. It would suck if Mom and Dad show up and I don’t graduate.”

“Yeah,” Subhra says. “I can hear Mom screaming from here. I think I’m going to tell them about the you-know-what. Bye.”

She hangs up before he can protest.

***

Heterodoxy and orthodoxy and heresy. Not exactly a jolly good time. But he studies for two hours straight, no breaks. Not for TV or Facebook, and only one visit today to YouTube to watch
Fractured Fairy Tales
(“Leaping Beauty,” very funny). But now he’s hunkered down, his brain feels sharp, he’s focused—he’s going to
ace
this, make Mr. Bryant
eat
his A.
Fuck
you, Professor Asshat
.

Laurie doesn’t interrupt him. She seems to know when he’s seriously studying versus when he’s studying and desperate for distraction. What’s her life going to be like when the baby comes? He’s asked her if she’s worried about how her life will change.

“Sometimes it feels scary,” she says. “The responsibility.”

“Yeah. We did that thing in high school, where you carry a sack of flour around for a week like it’s a baby, and it was really hard.”

“How did you do?”

Jack hesitates. “I left my flour baby in my locker one night.”

Laurie looks at Jack. Oh well. Good-bye manny job. “My friend Drew used his flour baby as a football,” Jack says. “He failed. I got a B-minus because even though I left it in my locker, I fed it most of the time. Some flour babies starved.”

Laurie smiles. “I hope I don’t do that. But suppose I feed Buddy
too
much? And how do I sleep at night when I’m worrying about SIDS?” She takes a deep breath. “Or suppose Alan never comes home.”

“He’s coming home,” Jack says.

“How do you know?”

“Because he’s having a baby.” Simple answer. That seems to satisfy Laurie. A little.

***

His final is in two days. He maps out his study plan and tacks it to the bulletin board above Alan’s desk. Megan texts words of encouragement. “U will ACE this!” “U R a SCHOLAR ROCK STAR!”

He’s ordered his graduation gown and tried it on for Laurie. She tells him he looks “quite the professional.” He wishes he knew what kind of professional he’ll turn out to be.

If he’d known months ago he’d finally be graduating and having a baby, he would’ve said that was bullshit. But here he is—a soon-to-be graduate and a father. Who knew?

***

When Laurie goes to Trader Joe’s, he loads the dishwasher. Afterward, he walks into the baby’s room. The changing table is ready to go, baby wipes and diapers handy. The sea creature mobile is hooked on the crib rail, and Jack pushes the button to make it spin. It plays “Under the Sea” from
The
Little
Mermaid
. Everything in the room is waiting for the baby—stuffed animals on a shelf on the wall, a diaper pail that smells vaguely sweet, like cherry. The room feels cozy and comfortable—a room version of a womb. The transition won’t be too tough for Buddy, Jack hopes.

But Jack is wasting time; he’s got studying to do. He’d really like to take a nap, but as Margery Kempe would say, “As for patience, it is worth far more than the working of miracles.”

Everyone at the hospital is friendly and efficient—
another
day
at
the
baby
delivery
office
, Laurie thinks. It’s like working at a car wash—a car pulls in, gets soaped up, a good scrub, a rinse, dried off, the car drives away, another one arrives.

But
this
is
my
life, we’re not talking about a clean car. I’m having a baby
, she wants to say to the nurses.
Do
you
know
what
I’ve gone through? Now something miraculous and extraordinary and impossibly astonishing is about to happen. Look at me, I’m in labor, I’m bringing my child into the world.
I am not a car.

“I know you’re not a car,” Jack says, and Laurie realizes she’s said the last part out loud. “How do you feel?” he asks her.

“Like I’m having a baby. Did Alan call?”

“Not yet.” Jack smiles, but she isn’t reassured. She looks around the hospital room at the blinking monitors. “I should’ve done a water birth,” she says.

“That’s his heartbeat.” Jack points to a monitor, and Laurie watches Buddy’s EKG line move up and down.

The idea of Buddy being hooked up to a fetal monitor while he’s still waiting to make his appearance is disconcerting. They say it doesn’t hurt him, but how would they know? What is Buddy thinking about right now? Is he scared of the contractions? Or has he figured it out—“
finally
I’m getting out of here”?

“They told me to take a nap,” Jack says. “Like I could sleep.” He laughs, his voice higher-pitched than usual. “Do you need anything?”

“My iPod.”

“You should’ve let me do your playlist.”

“I’m not sure Viking metal is how I want to bring Buddy into the world.” Laurie feels the beginning of another contraction. The contractions are like period cramps, but deeper, more intense.

Jack notices. “Does it hurt a lot?”

“Don’t talk about pain in a negative way,” Laurie says. “You need to help me embrace it, make it a positive part of the birthing experience.”

“Yeah, I heard that in your class, but it sounded like bullshit.”

Laurie frowns at Jack. “I
want
to believe it’s true, that I can ride these contractions like waves in the ocean, but you might be right. Wait a minute.” She remembers something. “Before I passed out, did you say something about your parents? They’re on their way?”

Jack sighs. “I was hoping you forgot. I’m hoping they get lost. Or maybe there’ll be a gigantic traffic jam and you can have the baby and get home before they show up.”

“What are the chances of that?”

Jack forces a smile. “What are the chances of anything?”

***

Laurie’s car is in the driveway, but she doesn’t answer the door. Alan is standing on the front porch with flowers, Thai takeout, and the bag of newly wrapped baby gifts. Jack’s car isn’t here. He could be at class. Unless he’s moved out. Oh well, more Thai food for Alan and Laurie.

He looks in the living room window. The last time he was here, he was sneaking around like a criminal. But he is bold now—bold and reformed and soon to be reunited with his wife.

He rings the doorbell again and waits. No sound from inside. She could be asleep, but it’s early. He can’t hear the TV, so he doesn’t think she’s in the den. Has something happened? She was reaching for a mixing bowl on the top shelf in the kitchen, and she fell and can’t get to her phone? It’s not breaking in if it’s
his
house.

When he walks inside, everything is quiet—no TV, no music, everything is still.

“Laurie?”

Silence. He checks the kitchen first, but Laurie isn’t there. She’s not in the den or the bedrooms or the bathrooms. That’s good, he tells himself. She isn’t hurt; she’s fine. She’s just not home. Maybe she’s having dinner with Grace. Alan could call Grace; he reaches for his cell, remembers he doesn’t have it. When he goes back in the kitchen, he notices Laurie’s Trader Joe’s reusable shopping bag on the kitchen table. It’s the one with surfboards and always makes Alan think of mai tais. He glances inside.

Chocolate-covered pretzels, one bag already opened. Some prosciutto, mozzarella cheese, pizza dough. Why aren’t the perishables in the refrigerator? Laurie is a maniac about putting away food, whisking leftover cooked chicken from the counter into Tupperware and refrigerating it immediately, “So we don’t drop dead of food poisoning.” It’s not like her to leave food out.

He looks around the kitchen—except for the Trader Joe’s bag, everything seems normal.

He goes in the bedroom again. Did she leave behind any clues? There’s a printed list on the bedside table. At the top it reads, “Birthing Bag.” There’s a check mark beside it. Alan opens the closet door—the Ed Hardy carry-on bag is gone.

***

“You’d think they’d have a TV in your room,” Jack says to Laurie.

“You’d think somebody facing a big exam would be studying for it.”

“I’m prepared. Plus I’ve got more adrenaline now because of the baby, so I’m extra confident.”

“You don’t want to be overconfident.”

“If you make me paranoid about being overconfident, I’ll flunk.”

“No, you’re going to make at least an A,” she says. “Or something higher than an A, if that exists. Do you want to talk about heresy some more? I can relate, since I feel like I’m being roasted on a spit.”

A nurse with bright blue eye shadow opens the door.

“Good news. The grandparents are here,” she says to Jack. “They’re in the waiting room. I’m sure you want to see them.”

Jack looks at Laurie. “I’m being roasted on a spit too,” he says.

***

Alan doesn’t like to pray out loud. Except in church. Except now when he’s driving over the hill to the hospital. “I made some mistakes, God, I admit it,” he says. “Some real whoppers. But I’ll change. Please let Laurie be okay. Laurie and the baby.”

He’s driving badly; if he gets pulled over, he’ll be arrested because they’ll think he’s drunk. Not like those scenes in movies where kindly cops escort sweaty, expectant fathers to the hospital, lights flashing, sirens blaring. No, Alan will be handcuffed, sentenced to life in prison, no chance of parole. He’ll never meet baby Buddy and spend the rest of his life as Big Al’s bitch.

He called the hospital from the landline in the house to confirm Laurie is there. The nurse says she’s doing fine. But is that what she tells everybody? What else would she say? “Your wife’s at death’s door, the umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby’s neck, and the baby’s vestigial tail—well, whoops, not so vestigial, it’s
three
feet
long
, but no worries; perhaps he’ll grow up to be a gymnast and his tail will come in handy on the high bar”?

Suppose Laurie tells him to go away? She doesn’t need him; she’s got Jack. Why would she need Alan? Because he is her husband, dammit. And to hell with the genetic component, the specimen switch—he is going to be a father.

He rolls that around in his brain. He’s driving to the hospital where his wife is in labor. And in a few hours, he’ll be holding his child.

His wife. His child.

“I’m going to be a father,” he says. Not noticing the
thunk thunk
sound of his flat tire.

***

Jack’s parents aren’t sitting; they’re pacing, and Jack has a moment where he thinks about running away—away from his parents, out of the hospital, out of Los Angeles. He could hitch a ride, hop on a train—do people still hop on trains? Is there a train running anywhere near Cedars-Sinai Hospital?

When his parents turn to him, he sees they’re not alone. Megan is standing between them. When she notices Jack, she runs over and kisses him.

“You must be scared shitless,” she says.

***

Contractions
are
about
grammar
, Laurie thinks. You eliminate one letter, add an apostrophe, and squish the words together. Voila, a contraction. Do not becomes
don’t
. They are becomes
they’re
. What do they have to do with having a baby? Laurie was taught in Lamaze about contractions and muscle groups, and yes, labor is painful, but women continue to have children over and over again, so how painful could it be?

They left out the part that explains how labor feels like dogs chewing on your entrails. How contractions build slowly, not bad at first, and then they come faster and stronger and you are thinking,
Okay, I can handle this one
, and then there is the peak and Laurie thinks dogs chewing your entrails might feel better. She could ask the nurse her opinion, but she is too busy screaming.

“You’re doing great, Laurie,” the nurse says.

You
are, Laurie wants to correct her.
If
I
get
through
this, contractions will never be part of my life again. I won’t ever use a contraction again
.

She corrects herself.
I
will
not.

***

When Alan pulls into the hospital parking lot, the attendant shakes his head. “You really screwed up that rim, dude.” Alan nods at him. He couldn’t be bothered to change the tire. How badly could he screw up his car anyway? He got used to the thunking sound after a mile or so and then when the rubber wore away, the sound of metal on pavement.
I
wonder
if
I’m making sparks
, he thought.

“You got everything?” the attendant calls out to him as he starts to get out of the car.

“Thanks,” Alan says, and he reaches back into his car to get Laurie’s presents.

***

“Your parents are fantastic,” Megan says to Jack. “Why didn’t you tell me how fantastic they are?”

Jack meets his mother’s eyes. He’s expecting some sort of death ray that will turn him to salt or melting ectoplasm, but she’s smiling at him—a gentle smile, nothing insidious behind it. So far.

“Subhra called us,” his mother says. She shakes her head. Jack’s not sure how to interpret the shake—disappointment? Resignation?

“Subhra called me too. She’s really bummed she can’t come,” Megan tells Jack. “A doctor,
whoa
.” Megan squeezes Jack’s mother’s arm. “Anjali told me all about her.”

Megan is calling Jack’s mother by her first name. Why does it feel as if the world is about to end?

“Subhra filled us in. On everything. You should have let us know about your situation,” his mother says.

Situation
. That’s what his mother is going to call it? He looks over at his father.

“Your mother’s right. We would have been happy to assist in any way.” Jack’s father nods at Jack.

“I wasn’t sure how to explain it.”

“You know you can always tell us anything.” And before he can say anything, his mother is throwing her arms around him and hugging him tightly. For a small woman she’s strong, and he bets she could crush his ribs if she wanted. “Don’t worry,” she says. “We’re here.”

***

Laurie is in a cave. It is not a friendly Flintstones cave; it is more like the one in the movie where the guy is trapped by a rock and has to cut off his arm. When she saw the movie, she did not understand how anyone could ever be pushed to that point.
Oh, but now I get it, James Franco
. Of course you cut off your arm, you would have cut off your leg or your head and that is probably why they do not have any knives in delivery rooms because they are well aware that women in labor would happily saw away at any body part they could get their hands on, they would do
anything
to lessen the pain.

“How’re you doing, Laurie?” the nurse asks. “Would you like some more ice chips?”

An ice pick. That could work. “Yes,” she says. “I would very much like an ice pick.”

***

Alan is directed to the waiting room; a nurse will speak with him and take him to Laurie. He’s not surprised to see Jack but is surprised to see Jack embracing a petite Indian woman. She has short, black hair and she’s wearing khaki pants and a navy turtleneck. A man stands nearby; he’s tall, like Jack, slender and handsome, in jeans and a Stanford sweatshirt.

Megan spots Alan first. She pulls Jack away from his mother. She whispers to Jack, but Alan can hear her. “Red alert, creepy stalker husband finally showed.”

“Hello.” Alan waves, awkward with all the things in his arms. Everyone is looking at him as if he’s going to say something profound. “I’ve got Thai food,” he says.

Before anyone responds, a nurse with blue eye shadow appears. “Laurie is getting lonely. She could use her birth coach.”

Alan doesn’t say anything. Neither does Jack. They look at each other for a minute, not sure what to do.

Alan hands the food and gifts to Megan, reaches for Jack’s elbow. “That’s us,” he says.

Jack looks as if he’s about to protest, but instead he follows Alan.

***

Laurie is thinking about pushing. Thinking about pushing will help her stop thinking about contractions. She is trying to remain positive. Well, as positive as she can possibly be, especially in this delightful position, her legs spread wide, the view on one hand
Penthouse
pornographic, on the other, just another day in the life of Dr. Liu and the nurses. Laurie already is sure she is making medical history and will end up featured on
Inside
Edition
. “Go on, Buddy,” she says to the baby. “Come out with feathered wings. So far everything else has been extraordinary. You do not want to disappoint anyone with some kind of boring, typical birth, do you?”

She is still not using contractions. Scary.

“Some people are here to see you,” Dr. Liu says, and Laurie thinks he means the team from
Inside
Edition
. “Pardon me,” she will say to the news crew. “I do not usually meet people with my legs wide open.”

Alan appears by the hospital bed. He reaches for Laurie’s arm, but it’s taped to the side for the IV. He settles for patting her hand. What can he say to make her smile, make her glad to see him? “Pretty funny, running into you in a place like this,” he tells her.