Exploits (26 page)

If looks were actions, he just slapped me and spat at me.
"
Only cheap slags suck on fags. I'm not having cheap trash in this house! If you want to stay here, then you have to stop your whore habits. It's my house. If you don't like my rules get out now
.
"

Final insult.
             

"I don't know what I ever saw in you," he curses. He scrunches up the smokes effortlessly and drops them on the carpet. "Clean this place up. If you want lodging, it's time you fucking worked for it."

He turns and stalks out the front door, leaving me stunned, appalled, heartbroken, and as crushed as my cigarettes. My legs, weak, dissolve underneath me, and I collapse back onto the chair I slept in; a sob pulls out of me like a ghoul with a get-out-of-purgatory-free card.

Oh god.

Chapter 33

If You Walk Out That Door

In a rage, I go and wash my face and brush my teeth. Angrily, I pull on my Doc's, lace them and stalk outside, slamming the door behind me. It takes me less than five minutes to get to the twenty-four hour service station to purchase a whole new box.

I am going to defy him. Yes, I AM.

Before I get home I already have one lit. I am so angry that I don't even feel like me. I know why I'm angry. It's because it's the only thing preventing me from crying.

The minute I walk in the door I flounce into a chair next to the phone at the door and dial Selene. I tell her the entire drama in an unconscious stream of despair.

"Fuck him. We're going out again this Thursday too now. You can't keep on taking this shit."

Knowing I have her support somehow gives me calm. Yes, a plan was just what I needed.

"I'll organise for all the girls to join us. Stef, you have to be normal. That guy isn't normal."

Despite preferring not to, I acknowledge this. I am so jealous of girls like Terry whose boyfriends are so secure, and even want to join her when she goes out. Gary despises everyone I call a friend.

"Thanks, Selene. I need this so badly." Tears well up and I suddenly can't speak.

"We are here for you. I'm here for you."

I nod, too choked up to speak.

"Stef?"

A keen escapes my throat as I fan my face, struggling to respond, "Mmm..."

"Oh god. Are you okay?"

I clear my throat awkwardly, "I will be. Thanks. Have to go ..."

"Okay. Call me if you need anything."

I nod again, my face screwing up, tight,
tight
,
tight
, as I try to fight the anguish overwhelming me, "Okay."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I hang up and curl up into a foetal ball hugging my knees.  I cry uncontrollably until I feel numb.

The automaton I have become cleans up the crushed cigarettes. I polish the tables, working systematically around the house cleaning, until I have nothing left to do but contemplate my box of smokes.

I sit down with a fresh cup of coffee on the floor in the lounge, all of the windows open, and I smoke five cigarettes in a row. Actually, now I feel quite ill. I haven't eaten anything since lunch yesterday. Unwillingly I take myself into the kitchen. I am loath to make a mess. I know he'll find fault with something and persecute me for another night. He's going to get the shock of his life next Thursday.

Dinner is ready and waiting when he stalks in the door, moody, pulling his tie off in rough jerks. He pauses in the doorway of the kitchen and glares at me.

"That smells good. I didn't think you'd still be here."

Why? Are you expecting megaslut to come and show you a good time, already?

"You know I have nowhere to go." I feel as though I've imposed on Selene enough and am reluctant to run to her haven. I know she'd understand, but Gary is the reason why I'm even here now. This
should
be his problem.

He stands there, silent, surveying my unhappy face. He knows when he's destroyed me. He's done it before. There's no hiding the fact that I've been crying.

"Good to see you've cleaned up."

Nice to have your slave back, fuckhead?
I shrug in response. What was I going to do? I have nothing else
to
do. I don't even have a book to read. My life is in boxes in storage. And I'll be damned if I'm suddenly going to start reading his collection of Hustler to while away my days.

He continues walking beyond my line of sight and my shoulders sag as I exhale a relief sigh.

He sits down at the table and picks up his beer as he looks at the plate waiting for him. I'm picking at my food, my stomach and throat too tight to consider eating much at all.

His eyes stay trained on me as he takes a long swig from the glass. Unstrung, I watch the blue eyes and wait for the beast.

"Look, Stef. I don't enjoy fighting with you. But a man has to have boundaries. I don't approve of this new you."

I stare back, too afraid to answer.

He pats my thigh, "It's better this way."

Sure it is. Better for you.
"Thanks for trusting me." I swallow the bile that accompanies this.

He leans back, and surveys me with a thunderous expression marring his amazing features. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

I swallow the lump in my throat. "You couldn't trust me for one night."

"And my instincts were RIGHT."

I stare in disbelief. I can feel my bottom lip trembling, "Nothing happened."

"Only because he was more interested in your friend than you. You couldn't have tried any harder if you'd taken your clothes off right there."

His insult strips me of my humanity. My instinct is to cry. Distraught, I leap from my chair and dash to lock myself in the bathroom. Tight-lipped,  tears threatening to drown me.

I stay there, until I hear him leave. I knew he would. I've been in here for at least an hour. He's gone off to play and I'm stuck here with myself, alone, again.

I unlock the door and venture out, carefully approaching the dinner table. His plate is cleared of food. I can smell his lingering scent and ache with longing and hatred. Miserably, I sit down and force myself to swallow my cold dinner, between sobs. I don't think I've ever been this unhappy. I feel so powerless.

…
Pause …

…
Play …

I have been living for Thursday. It's the only thing keeping me mobile and preventing me from slitting my wrists. He hardly speaks to me. When he does look at me it's with anger and distaste. I count on him going out with the lads on Thursdays. I become
agitated as he prolongs leaving.

His fucking sixth sense is in overdrive. He knows. How he knows, I'll never fathom. But he knows. The girls are due to pick me up at seven-thirty. He's usually long gone by now. And I haven't had a chance to phone Selene to get her to come later because he's been oddly omnipresent.

I can't wait any longer and miserably go to the bedroom. I lock the door and get ready, studiously ignoring him with all of my might when I emerge. He's ignored me for a week. Well, two can play that game. Living separate lives.

I hear the car arrive and the laughter floats in through the window. I pick up my bag which now hides a secret cigarette stash, some money, my ID and keys, and walk through to the front door.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?"

"Out."

"Oh no you're not."

With great effort I meet his eyes as my legs linger undecided, halfway between him and the front door. The doorbell rings and I turn to it.

"Stefanie, I’m speaking to you!"

"I know. I'm not deaf."
             

He aggressively advances toward me, rage evident in his demeanour and expression.

"What are you doing, Stefanie?"

"I'm going out with the girls. You get to go out. I'm going out."

Laughter bursts out from the other side of the door and the girls sit on the doorbell. Ding-dong ding-dong ding-dong.

He's comes closer, looking livid and ready to destroy me. "NO YOU ARE NOT!"

I am torn. I'm afraid. Plain and simple.

The girls start banging on the door and yelling, "Hellooo! Stefanie!"

I swallow with difficulty. Terrified. I know that this is going to be very, very, bad.

He stalks past me and yanks open the door. He glares at Selene, "WHAT?"

Julie giggles as if she's already tipsy, "Hello. We're here to collect Stefanie."

Selene looks past him to me. She can see I'm ready to go, and she can tell by my expression that I'm in the middle of an awkward situation.

"Come on, Stefanie. Let's go!" All bravado, her gaze swivels to challenge Gary's.

Gary turns to me and warns, "You are not going out with that, that,
thing
!
"
His finger wavering behind him from his extended arm at Selene.

What have I got to lose?

"Yes, I am."

Julie looks like she's suddenly sobered up. I start walking towards them until I'm on the threshold.

"If you walk out of that door, DON’T think you can come back!"

I pause. My stomach is so tight I feel like I'm going to be ill. This is taking more courage than I have right now. I turn back and look at his face, reading absolute sincerity in it. He means this. I
know he means it. He's the man that's told me to get out of his car in the middle of nowhere before. Gary doesn't mess around when he threatens someone.

"Come on, Stef. Let's get out of here."

I swivel and look at Selene.

"Stefanie, I MEAN it."

I turn and walk out to my girlfriends. Terry has said nothing. Her eyes are trying to overpower her face they're so large.

"God, is he always like that?"

I nod. Too choked up to speak. I get halfway to the car when the dread hits me. "I don't think I can go."

Julie immediately reassures me, "Of course you can."

I shake my head, "You don't understand. I have to come back here. You don't."

Selene wheedles, "Come on, Stef. You can't give in now."

I'm too upset to speak. I shake my head and my balled fist smothers my mouth to kill a sob.

"Sorry. I'm sorry you came all this way for nothing. Have fun!"

And I turn and hurry back to my cage.

I hear their voices calling after me. They even wait to see if I'll change my mind. But I don't. All it took was one look at Gary's face and I knew I was never going out unchaperoned ever again.

Glare, as his voice barks, "Good! Finally you show some sense."

My eyes glisten as I stare back in silence.

"I never want those bitches near this house again. I am telling you this once. If I ever see them near you, we are over!"

We're already over. You hardly acknowledge me.

He grabs his pool cue once he knows they're gone and the music is too loud for anyone to hear their phone ring. He leaves in victory as I descend into the darkest mental despair I've yet encountered.

Looking beautiful, I sink onto the floor in the lounge and defiantly light a cigarette.

One tiny victory for Stefanie.

Chapter 34

A Slow Acid

I haven't spoken to a female, or been in the presence of one, for four months. Gary's life has not altered. His male friends pop in every weekend. None of them bring their female partners. I am beginning to think that I'm a secret. He doesn't speak to me unless it is absolutely necessary. The only person who can sense something is wrong is Neville.

Being alone so much has given me plenty of time to contemplate my predicament. Because of Gary, I have been too embarrassed to stay in contact with the crew from work. I am so humiliated. I know the entire office will have heard about what happened. For this reason alone I haven't gone back and applied for my old job. I know I can't go out, and feel like such a loser, so maintain the briefest amount of contact with Selene as possible. I am ashamed. I am.

Gary despises me with every breath he inhales. His eyes are flat and hard when they encounter me. He constantly seems on the verge of
violence. He always appears to be seething. I am so miserable that I can hardly force myself to eat and am wasting away rapidly. This is a spill-over, childhood residue. It's a habit I just can't seem to break, even though I am fully aware that I am stressing my body.

I am fast running out of money and can see no options open to me without a work wardrobe to wear to apply for new employment. My plans of going anywhere have gone out the window like stale smoke.