Exploits (34 page)

Chapter 43

Love

Whizzing up the road to Zeke's I feel lazy and happy, holding on to Mr Smooshy on the back of his bike. I wonder if Zeke's home? Crap! We just went past Selene's, and Zeke was filling the doorway leering at Gary! Gary looks mightily pissed off and he stops shouting just long enough to watch us go past. Casually I turn my head away, grateful that my hair's tied up and he can't see my face behind the visor. My heart just bottomed out of me, my insides are quivering with trepidation.

I manage to say goodbye to Richard, have a decent kiss, and make plans for later tonight. I watch him turn the bike, racing off back down the road. Ducking inside, I snatch off the jacket with shaking hands, lock the house, and sneak as fast as humanly possible to Selene's, down the back way. There's a narrow gap between the houses opposite her place where I should be able to hide to see what the hell is going on.

Running, I rush to the alley, whisper down it, and hide behind a roller-bin.

"Fuck you!"

I missed it all. He's just slammed his car door, nearly blowing the head when he forces it to screech to life, choking the gears into reverse to turn around. Changing his mind, he guns away up the road. I wait, to see if he'll come back down it.

He does, and I cling to the wall in the shadow of the bin, with fear throttling the strength out of me. My breath is coming in shaky gasps. From up here, you can see the car driving away. Finally satisfied that I'm safe I force my wobbly legs to Selene's door.

I am so grateful for Zeke now. He is just the right kind of man for Gary the coward to not want to confront. Zeke is fearless. I've seen him in confrontations and he's not afraid of anyone.

After knocking, Zeke opens the door.

"Hey babes. Everything okay?" he says.

He seems calm and normal, pulling me through the doorway with an arm around my shoulders.

"Yeah …" I nod.

Selene pops a worried head out from the kitchen, looking pale. "Hey Stef."

"Hey. Um, I just saw Gary here. What's going on?"

Zeke answers. "He was looking for you."

I feel like I just got fired. The doom I'm feeling is overwhelming. "Why?"

Selene answers this time. "Don't know. But he was insistent we tell him where you live."

I'm coming over faint. Using a last spurt of strength I get myself to a kitchen chair and sag into it, “What did you tell him?"

"Nothing. I told him to fuck off," Zeke says.

I feel like crying. Why won't he just leave me alone? I'm happy now. I have someone normal who loves me and who likes my friends.

An odd thought pops back into my head. He once threatened me via Neville, just because I was dating. Who told him? Is he going to follow through on that threat now and have me taken out?

Zeke rubs my back just as Selene pushes a Brutal Fruit at me. He tells me, "Don't worry. We won't let him near you."

And I believe him too. Can I just say, I'm loving a life full of strong and sensitive men. I don't want to lose this.

…
Pause ...

…
Play …

I'm not going to bore you with all of the details. A lot happens to me. I go sky-diving, abseiling and get promoted. Richard is a go-slow man. He doesn't rush things.

I love him, but we're staying independent for as long as we can handle not living together. He knows the history and wants me to maintain my independence.

At one point he moved away and I fell apart. It was Marty all over again. But he came back, and proposed! Saying he didn't want to be anywhere where I wasn't. But I'll save that all for the next time we hook up for a good gossip.

I want to tell you the rest of the Gary story. Because, after all, we started with him, we should end with him.

Six months after the break-up, that fucking bastard phones me.

"Stefanie?"

My hand goes weak and my legs turn to jelly. "Yes?"

"How are you?"

"Fine."

"I never stop thinking about you."

"Go to hell, asshole."

"Aw come on baby, you can't still be angry?"

I answer with silence. He's lucky I'm at work or I'd be swearing at him like a gangster bitch off to prison.

"Can I buy you a drink? I'd love to see you."

Hmmm. Fascinating. "I don't think so."

"Stef, come on. For old time's sake."

Heavy sigh. Yeah, what the hell. Let him see the new Stef. Eat your arm off Hannibal. "Sure, okay ."

"RAD! Excellent. Friday good for you?"

"Fine."

"Where would you like to meet?"

"Under a Full Moon."

"That place?"

"Yes Gary,
that
place." I add, "Take it or leave it."

"I'll see you there at eight. I'm looking forward to seeing you babe."

"I'm not."

And I hang up. Shaking.

… Pause ...

…
Play …

On Friday I walk into the den of iniquity with my heart in my throat. I have a nose ring now too. Selene, mad thing, had her tongue and her nipples pierced, and the best I could do was a nose-ring. Call me a wimp.

I'm dressed to go out because Richard is waiting across the road with Tom, Selene and Zeke, and we're going for dinner after I say hello to my ex-master. I scan the lounges with a sharp eye. He sees me as I spy him.

I walk purposefully toward him. He stands up and gives me a hug. "Good to see you, Woman."

God, he smells divine!

My hair is very long now. I can almost sit on it. I know I turned heads when I sauntered toward him in my long peasant skirt, white tank top, and raw linen waistcoat. He looks damn fine. But then this is Gary we're talking about. He will always look sinfully fabulous.

He's smiling, his blue eyes riveted to mine, "Baby, I miss you."

I sit down and scan for a waitress. If I'm going to do this I need a really strong drink.

To make conversation he says, "What happened to your tits?"

I feel like he just dumped me in a Norwegian ice pool. "I beg your pardon?"

He looks disconcerted, "Your boobs. They're gone."

"It wasn't nice seeing you again, Gary."

I stand and turn swiftly on my heel and start stalking away. He comes rushing after me. "Woman!"

This guy doesn't learn, does he? Despite his sexiness in blue jeans, thinsulate Caterpillars, and a black leather biker's jacket, he can't get away with this shit another day. I have a fucking name.

He catches me on the pavement outside. "Wait! I'm sorry! It was just such a shock. You always had such great tits."

I force a sarcastic smile, "Well you don't have to look at them, so what's the big deal?"

I wasn't even aware that they'd shrunk to be honest. How nice of him to point it out to me.

"Don't go. Come on. You just got here."

"We have nothing to say, Gary. You wanted to see me. Now you've seen me. I'm going out now, with my boyfriend and
friends
."

Yes, imagine that. I have friends. Miss Fucked-Up managed to procure friendship and acceptance.

"Stef, just wait!"

He grabs my arm again and I seriously flirt with the idea of playing a game of conkers with his nuts.

"If you need anything, ever, no matter what time of day or night, I want you to know, I'd like to be that guy for you."

Oh puke! Oh how sweet. Where the hell were you when I
needed
you?

I'm feeling so insulted and repulsed. "Thanks. I've got to go." I scour him coldly, "Take care."

And I bolt. It must have looked sinful from his side of the street when both Tom and Richard stepped out of the coffee shop to walk with their arms around me back to where Zeke waited with Selene. He can think whatever the hell he wants. His opinion no longer matters.

…
Pause ...

…
Play …

It doesn't take long for Gary Fuchs to make me loathe him even further. A couple of days later I get a phone call at work.

"Stefanie speaking, how may I assist you?"

"We need to go for a drive baby."

What? "I beg your pardon?"

"Oh, don't play coy. You and me, in the car, now. Hey, what do you say?"

"Who is this?"

"Stef, it's Neville. I've been fantasising about being alone in my car with you."

Gag. "Why?"

"Aw, don't pretend you don't know."

I don't know. What the hell is he talking about? "Neville, assume I'm ignorant and explain yourself."

"Gary told us what you used to do in the car.
OH BABY
."

The blood just drains out of my head and I get vertigo.

"This conversation is over."

Shaking, I wobble out of my chair, clutching a box of smokes. Going to get air and nicotine outside. Tears threaten to burn my eyes. He just hurt me again. Now he's bragging? It's been so long that I'd forgotten completely about that.

… Pause ...

…
Play …

Neville phones me daily. He wants to be my friend. After he told me he wants to fuck me. Yes, just like that. I answered my phone, and he said, "I want to fuck you."

Those were Gary's magic words, and Neville saying them turned me on instantly, to my revulsion. But honestly, the guy has been nothing but nice to me. He is constant. He doesn't change, and he was the only one for a long time who didn't reject me when I was living in the Gary shackles.

He and I have far too many intellectual interests in common, and history, for me to just cut him off. I like him very much as a person; so I maintain sporadic telephonic contact with him and the odd email. But I told him to go fuck himself, I'm not available. Dickhead.

… Pause …

… Play …

It's been almost nine months since I last saw Kristy. When she phones me. We tap dance around each other for a while – how are you? What have you been doing? – but I'm pleased when she suggests meeting for coffee at our old place in Tableview.

Bygones and all that. She's her old
bubbly margarine self. She and Alan broke up. A la Stefanie. She had a vicious meltdown, just like mine.

"Stef, I'm so sorry. That day, I thought you were mad. But just two months later I knew exactly how you felt."

I give her a wan smile. "It's okay."

"But my lord, Stef. Do you know why we broke up? I was so disgusted. Gary is
such
an evil bastard."

Really? You don't say.

"All those times they said they were going to play pool, they weren't. Neville told me the truth. I saw it with my own eyes, Stef. My God, I can't tell you how shocked I was. Those bastards were going to that whore-house every Thursday night. Spending thousands a night on prostitutes. Stef, can you believe it? I didn't want to, until I saw Alan and Gary there with my own eyes. It was disgusting!"

She's waving her hands around frantically. Dramatising the explanation. But I feel as though she’s just punched me. I'm winded. I can't breathe.

"Those fuckers were caught red-handed. Every Thursday while we sat at home they went to Slippery Satan and spent the whole night with girl after girl. And they were using so much cocaine that I'm surprised neither of them are dead. Stefanie, it broke me in half."

You mean, like I am, now?

"Thank God for Neville. He's the only decent one amongst that scum!"

I nod, numb. I don't know how he managed it, but he's just ripped my heart out again. This is just too much. How much damage can one man do?

… Pause ...

…
Play …

It took me years to gain real perspective. I now know that only an insecure man wants to control you. I now know that a man accuses you when he has a guilty conscience. Not because you actually did anything. But because he's so paranoid that the world is going to do to him what he's doing to you.

I know that it doesn't matter how long you are with someone, you may never fully know them. Look long and hard at that man in your bed tonight. Do you really know him? I thought I knew Gary. Well Kristy blew that illusion out of the window with military brilliance.

I know now that I was a prime target for an abusive male. Growing up in a home where my father disciplined his wife so severely that later on in life the doctors tell her she's going to need traction to fix her badly distorted spine. My parents could not teach us how to love, for they had none. I could not learn how to cherish because I never witnessed it. I did not understand self-respect, until I lost everything.