Face the Music (3 page)

“Just think about it,” said Allie. “It’s still about three weeks away.”

“Yeah,” I muttered. “I’ll think about it.” And thankfully, Willy arrived and then we started to practice. But to be honest, I had a hard time focusing on our practice, and I’m afraid it didn’t go too well, which I’m sure was mostly my fault. Ironic, since I’m the one always pushing for perfection.

Finally, we finished and I told them that my stomach didn’t feel too great. “I think it’s something I ate.” Although I knew that wasn’t true. Unless you can ingest a conversation, which I suppose is sort of true. And that’s sort of what it feels like. Like I swallowed a bunch of foul-tasting words. Anyway, I excused myself and went up to our room in the hotel.

I lay down on my bed and cried myself to sleep. I know it’s stupid. It’s not like Jeremy and I actually had anything going on, or as if he’d led me on at all. It was all just in my head. I guess that’s what comes of letting your mind run wild about things like guys and romance.

Well, when I woke up, I wrote this all down in my diary. Kind of like I just needed to barf it out so I could feel better. And then I read my Bible
and prayed. I’ve decided that I need to just pull myself together and put this whole thing into God’s hands.

I can see how a girl could let something like this totally devastate her and just emotionally wipe her out for days, maybe even weeks. But I also realize that, like I’ve been telling Allie and Laura, we have a job to do. And we have a big concert tomorrow night where Redemption is the main event, so I really need to get my head and my heart together—for the sake of the band, our recording contract, and most of all for the audience who has paid good money to hear us. Hopefully, they’ll be touched by God when they do.

So I’m making this commitment to myself and to God:
I will not let this disappointment about Jeremy mess up my music
. If anything, I have decided that this whole thing can just make me stronger. Like that verse I memorized in James. Maybe it will become my “life verse” since Pastor Tony says that everybody should have at least one Bible verse that they take with them through everything. Perhaps this is mine.

“…count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”

Now how cool would it be to become perfect and complete and lacking nothing? And if that comes from going through trials, well, I guess I should just say, “Bring ’em on.” Okay, let’s not get carried away. I’m not asking to be hit by a truck or suffer from some horrible skin disease or anything too dramatic. But I do recall Pastor Tony preaching about how we should greet our trials as we greet our friends. We should welcome them as we realize how they’ve come to make us bigger and better people.

Is it possible that I have deceived myself into believing that God would change my personality in order to make me more acceptable to Him? Okay, I realize this sounds a bit crazy, but I’m thinking, God did give me my personality (even if some people think it is a pretty weird one!). Anyway, I assume He did since He “knit me together in my mother’s womb,” and I figure that means He created my DNA which makes me who I am. Right? So if this is the personality He gave me, then He probably doesn’t want to change it. I mean, I realize He wants me to become more like Him. But it’s not like He’s going to give me a spiritual lobotomy and turn me into something completely different.

So I have to ask myself—
just who’s doing the changing around here
? I mean, people used to call me a wild child, a rebel, a nonconformist. But in some ways, I think I’ve been
trying to conform myself
. Like I thought maybe that would make God happy. Now I’m wondering whether that was God’s plan? Or mine?

The reason I’m so concerned about this is
because I think it’s affecting my music. And this scares me. The last thing I want is to end up sounding like everyone else, to lose my creative edge. I guess this is something I admire about Jeremy. He doesn’t seem to be affected in this way. It’s like he doesn’t compromise who he is. He remains his own self. Oh, I didn’t mean to start going on about Jeremy again. In fact, I’ve been doing a pretty good job of blocking my thoughts about him. Or at least I thought so.

But speaking of Jeremy, I now have a new problem. I suppose it’s not fair to call Isaiah Baxter a problem. Sheesh, I know there are millions of girls who would love to have such a problem. But it seems that Allie and Laura are playing matchmaker for me. Oh, not matchmaker exactly. Rather, they are still trying to set us up to go to the prom.

“He said he wants to go with you,” Laura said last night when we stopped in for a fast-food dinner after pleading with Elise. (She thinks fast food will kill you, and she’s probably not far from the truth.)

“But only if you ask him yourself,” added Allie. “He doesn’t want a middleman.”

Fortunately, we three girls were seated at our own table because I’m not sure I’d want the “grown-ups” (Willy, Rosy, Elise) listening in on our conversation. I’m not even sure why. “I don’t
even want to go to the prom,” I told them for like the umpteenth time. “I’m not exactly a prom sort of girl, if you remember.”

“Oh, come on, Chloe,” said Allie. “It’s not like you have to put on a pink Cinderella dress and wear pumps.”

“You have a problem with pink?” demanded Laura.

“Oh, yeah,” I said. “Doesn’t your mom have a pink dress all picked out for you to wear to the prom?”

Laura scowled at me. “It’s not so bad.”

“I know.” I attempted a smile on her behalf. “But the thing is, I do NOT want to go to the Harrison High prom.”

“Not even with Isaiah?” asked Allie.

“Yeah,” said Laura. “Now you’re going to hurt his feelings.”

“Hey, it’s got nothing to do with Isaiah—”

“Try telling him that,” said Allie.

I knew they were quickly getting me cornered between that proverbial rock and a hard place. “You guys are impossible.!”

And so now I’m stuck here trying to decide what to do. Do I just go with the flow and invite Isaiah to the prom? I know it really doesn’t mean anything from a romantic standpoint. I’m sure he knows that, too. Still, it feels like it must mean something. Shouldn’t you go to the prom with
someone you really care about? Like Jeremy? Or even Cesar? It wasn’t that long ago that I would’ve imagined myself going to the prom with Cesar. But true to his word, the guy is still kissing dating goodbye. Well, good for him. Maybe I should do the same.

But that brings me back to my earlier question. Like who am I? I’m afraid that I’ve been conforming myself into what and who other people think I should be. And the only one who should be conforming me is God. Or rather transforming me. But what if I keep getting in the way?

Okay, it’s a done deal. I am officially going to the prom. And yes, I am going with Isaiah. I’m not sure if it was a compromise or what. But to be honest, I don’t feel bad about it, so it’s probably not such a big deal. Sometimes I think I make more of something than it really is. Like I kind of blow things out of proportion in my head. Maybe that’s why it’s good to talk about things with your friends.

Anyway, here’s how it happened. We just finished our concert in Savannah tonight, and I was heading out from the ladies’ restroom, of all places, on my way out to the foyer for a little “M and S” (that’s Meeting and Signing for fans seeking autographs) when I ran smack into Isaiah, also heading out from the bathroom.

“Hey,” he said with a funny grin. Now why is it slightly uncomfortable to see someone of the opposite sex emerging from a restroom? Is it like we think they don’t go?

So I nodded to the bathroom sign above his head. “Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.”

He laughed. “Kan, is that ever the truth. I thought I’d be standing in a puddle before our last song was even halfway finished.”

Well, I suppose all this potty talk had loosened
me up and put me into a goofy mood because before I knew what hit me, I was shooting off my mouth. “I hear you wanna attend a real live high school prom.”

He broke into a huge and rather handsome grin. “So the cat’s outta the bag now.”

“Yeah. It’s hard to keep too many secrets with the crowd we hang with.” We were almost to the foyer now. “But if you really want, you can come with me. It’s not like the Harrison High prom is anything to brag about—”

“Hey, I’d love to come, Chloe. And it might not seem like any big deal to you, but sometimes it feels like I missed out on everything that had anything to do with high school.”

“I guess I know what you mean. Still, I wouldn’t trade this for—”

“Chloe Killer!” yelled a fan who’d just spotted me coming around the corner. She looked to be all of twelve and was wildly waving her shiny orange autograph book in the air. “Will you sign this for me?”

“Later,” said Isaiah.

And then, as I was smiling and signing, I had to wonder what I’d gotten myself into. I even considered tracking down Isaiah and backing out, but Iron Cross had left to catch a late flight for a concert in New Orleans. Now it looks as though I won’t be talking to Isaiah until next Friday, when
we meet up with them in Jackson, Mississippi. Maybe it’s just as well.

Naturally, Allie and Laura were totally jazzed.

“What are you going to wear?” Allie demanded as we rode back to the hotel.

I just shrugged.

“Do we all want to go together?” asked Laura hopefully.

“You think Ryan would like that?” I asked. “He’d kind of be odd man out.”

She frowned. “I’ve actually been wondering if that’s the only reason he agreed to come.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I told Ryan that Allie had been thinking about asking Brett from Iron Cross, well, I think that’s when he got interested in coming. He’s a big Iron Cross fan, you know.”

“Oh.”

“But he still likes you,” Allie said with optimism, as the limo pulled up to the hotel. “Doesn’t he?”

“I don’t know. My brother told me that Ryan was pretty serious with his girlfriend at college. So much so that he got depressed when she broke up with him last month. James warned me that Ryan might not even be over her yet. I might just be his rebound girl.”

“Maybe Cesar and Caitlin are right,” I said as
we stepped out of the limo onto the well-lit sidewalk. We waited while Willy tipped the driver and climbed out of the passenger seat. He usually rides up front, which I personally think is kind of cool since he uses the opportunity to tell the driver about Jesus.

“Right about what?” asked Laura.

“You know,” I said, “the whole nondating thing. Maybe it just simplifies life for everyone.”

“Someone having problems with her love life again?” teased Willy.

“Yeah,” Allie said with a sly grin. “Not that you would know anything about that now, would you, Willy?”

He tossed her a funny glance as he held open the hotel door for us. “You girls better hit the hay early tonight. We’ve got to be out of here by six in the morning.”

We all made the appropriate groaning noises as we rode the elevator up to the eleventh floor. But I did feel kind of sorry for Willy. I know that he’s got it bad for Elise, but he never actually says anything. Neither does Elise. And for Allie to tease him like that just makes everyone feel uncomfortable. I may say something to her about it tomorrow. But not while anyone else is around. I’ve learned enough about confronting people by now to know that you should do it privately and in love.

I really like the way Eugene Peterson translates 1 Corinthians 13 (the love chapter) in “The Message.” He says things like, love doesn’t get a big head or strut. How cool is that? Anyway, it’s inspired me to write my own version.

• Love runs a marathon with blistered heels just to keep you company.
  

• Love won’t take a break until you have what you need.
  

• Love doesn’t get grumpy when you win the lottery but refuse to share a penny.
  

• Love doesn’t act like you’re a stranger just because you’ve got a big green booger in your nose.
  

• Love, though perfect, isn’t full of itself.
  

• Love doesn’t push its way into places where it’s not invited.
  

• Love never takes cuts in front of anyone.
  

• Love doesn’t freak when you total the car.
  

• Love doesn’t keep track of every single time you blow it.
  

• Love doesn’t laugh when a jerk falls on his face.
  

• Love doesn’t make the story bigger than it really is.
  

• Love can be spat upon, beaten, and murdered and still keep on loving.
  

• Love trusts God implicitly.
  

• Love sees the good in you even when you’re acting like a total loser.
  

• Love doesn’t feel bad about what happened yesterday.
  

• Love keeps running the marathon until it reaches the finish line.
  

Wow, now that I think about it, I think Love is really just another name for Jesus. Amazing. I’m going to make a copy of this list and keep it with me to check on from time to time, like when I’m feeling particularly impatient or grumpy or just generally out of sorts. It’ll be a good reminder for me to just lighten up.