Face the Music (5 page)

“What do you mean?” I sat up and rubbed my eyes as if I’d just woken up. I can be such a fake sometimes!
Jesus, help me to be real.

“We mean why are you so bummed?” Allie peered into my eyes. “What’s up?”

“Yeah, tell us what’s going on with you,” said Laura. “We’re not just your business partners, you know, we’re your friends too,
remember
?”

“Yeah,” said Allie almost indignantly. “Sometimes you push us away, Chloe, like you don’t think we’d understand anything.”

“I can assure you from experience, it’s not good to keep stuff bottled up inside,” urged Laura. “Just tell us what’s wrong. If we can’t help you, we can at least pray for you.”

I really didn’t want to tell them what was wrong. It seemed so lame and actually kind of embarrassing. Besides, I’m the leader of this band. I’m supposed to be in charge, tuned in to God, the strong one. Right?
Wrong
.

“Come on, Chloe,” Allie said in her sweetest voice. “Don’t you know how much we love you?”

Well, that did it. Despite my best efforts, I started to cry, and before I knew what was happening, they were both hugging me and telling me it would be okay. And to my surprise, it did feel kind of good. I no longer felt so isolated and lonely. And then I just poured it all out. I told them about all about my feelings for Jeremy and how I’ve tried to hide it since I knew it would never work, and besides he has a girlfriend. I even told them about the jerk who broke my heart
back when I was in middle school.

“I thought that was bad enough,” I sobbed. “And that I’d never let it happen again. But believe me, this is way, way worse. I just don’t get why I have to feel like this—so—so miserable. It’s not fair.”

“I know.” Allie soothingly rubbed my back.

“It was total stupidity on my part.” I wiped my nose on my sweatshirt sleeve. “I mean, we were only just friends, at least in his eyes, and I was trying to act like that was perfectly cool with me too. But it was just an act; I was falling deeper and deeper into it. And then, after I found out he had a girlfriend, well, I really thought I could handle this now, but it’s—it’s like my heart just won’t listen.”

“And you thought we wouldn’t understand this?” said Laura kindly.

I just shrugged.

“Sheesh,” exclaimed Allie. “You really should’ve told us sooner. Don’t you know that Laura and I have way more experience in the achy breaky heart arena than you, Chloe?”

I had to smile at that.

“It’s true,” said Laura. “You saw me moping around about Ryan last year. Man, I was a mess. And I suppose I could be a mess again before too long.” She frowned. “I mean, after the prom is over.”

I nodded and put my hand on her arm. “It’s weird, isn’t it? Here we are trying our best to serve and follow God. We read His Word and pray regularly. We have this great music ministry where kids think we can practically walk on water, and yet, underneath it all, we’re just as weak and vulnerable as every other girl out there.”

“Maybe even more so,” added Allie.

“How’s that?” asked Laura.

“Well, maybe we have that kind of artistic temperament, you know what I mean? Where our hearts are easily pulled into things.”

“Because we’re passionate about our work and our lives?” I ventured.

“Yeah, and maybe that makes us more vulnerable in some ways.”

“Like getting crushes on cool guys?” offered Laura.

Allie nodded.

“Wow, Al, that’s pretty deep.” I was actually impressed.

“I know. Sometimes I even surprise myself.” She grinned.

“So, what do we do about it?” asked Laura. “I mean, I really like Ryan and everything, but I do NOT want to get all bummed if he drops me right after the prom. You know?”

“I know.” I was giving this whole guy dilemma
some serious thought. It just didn’t seem fair that we should be so easily derailed by a mere guy. “I have an idea.”

“Yeah?” Allie looked eager.

“Well, I don’t know if any of us are exactly ready to quit dating entirely, the way that Caitlin and Cesar have done.”

“Don’t be too sure,” said Laura quickly. “I’ve actually been giving it some real consideration lately. And I plan on reading that book that Cesar keeps talking about.”

“You mean that ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ book?” asked Allie.

“Maybe we should all read it,” I suggested. “But whether we read it or not, I’m thinking we could make a pact, just between the three of us, as a way to help keep Redemption on track and keep our hearts focused on God.”

“What kind of pact?” Allie’s eyes lit up as if it would be some kind of game. She always gets into stuff like this.

“Some sort of promise that says we won’t allow guys to come between us and God and our ministry. Like if you’re involved with Brett, Allie, and Laura and I feel that it’s distracting you from God and our music, then we have the right to tell you, and you have to listen to us. Kind of what you guys did to me today.”

“I like it,” said Laura.

“I think I do too.” Allie paused. “Although it does worry me a little. I mean, what if you think Brett is a problem, but he’s really not?”

“If both Laura and I think that Brett’s a problem, then I’m guessing that we’re onto something. It’s not like we’d be on your case for no good reason, Allie.”

“Yeah. You’re probably right.”

“So, do you want to write something up, Chloe?” asked Laura. “Like a real pact that we can all sign and agree to?”

“Sounds good.”

So this is what I wrote. We decided to have copies made, and then we’ll all sign it with Willy as our witness.

I think it actually sounds rather legal and binding. Not that we ever plan to take it to court, but I do hope that we take it seriously. I think we will. It does make me feel better to have agreed to this pact. And I feel better to have confessed to Allie and Laura that my heart was aching over Jeremy. They totally understood, probably even better than I did. After I’d spilled my guts to them, they prayed for me, and I think that made more difference than anything. Then they both assured me that they’d keep on praying because according to them, it’s not easy to get over a broken heart. I think they’re right. But I also believe that God’s the healer of broken hearts.

Now I realize that I should be very thankful that I’m going to the prom with Isaiah instead of Jeremy. Much safer for my heart. Not that Isaiah isn’t a totally cool guy. He most definitely is. But for some reason it’s a lot easier to be friends with him. Maybe it’s because he’s not so intense and serious. Of the two brothers, he’s much more lighthearted and easygoing. That’s probably good for me since I tend to get overly serious sometimes. But Isaiah is fun to be with, and we usually end up laughing a lot.

Does this mean I’m completely over Jeremy? Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that. I still get a sharp twinge in my heart when I see him coming my way or giving me that smile. And when we talk, which we still do, I have to focus a lot of energy into guarding my heart from being swept away again. Why is that? I don’t even know for sure. But I do know that God is helping me through this, and I believe that He’s using my weakness to make me strong—
in Him
. And that’s not a bad thing.

We were doing our M and S tonight when a girl about my age came up to me. She said her name was Haley and she was from Memphis. She had a tattoo of a black widow spider on her left hand and more piercings than I’ll ever have, about thirty I’m guessing. Her hair was partially shaved and what remained was dyed green and blue and purple, kind of a rainbow effect. Naturally, I complimented her on her hair colors. Without even responding, she looked me straight in the eyes and asked how I could possibly know that God was for real. It was more of a challenge than a question.

So I thought about it for a moment before I said, “I used to be an atheist, Haley. I mean, I absolutely did NOT believe in God, not at all.”

She looked skeptical. “Really?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I actually find it pretty hard to believe myself now. I’ve changed a lot since then.”

“What happened?”

“Faith.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s kind of hard to explain faith. First of all, no matter how badly you might want it, it’s not something you can manufacture in yourself. It’s a gift that God gives. Of course, I didn’t understand that when I was obsessed with
not
believing in God. But even back then, I could see that being an atheist was definitely not working for me. I had reached this place in my life where I was totally miserable. I didn’t even want to live anymore.”

“So what’d you do?”

I went on to tell her about how I was so bummed about everything, and how I went to the cemetery and read the words on Clay Berringer’s gravestone, a quote from Jesus that said, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

“That’s the moment when God gave me the faith I needed to believe in Him,” I told her. “And I know
it was from God because there’s no way I could’ve made something like that up myself.”

“So you honestly believe it’s real?”

“I know it’s real. God is like the air I breathe,” I told her. “I believe I would literally die without Him. I wonder how I ever lived before He came into my heart.” I smiled at her. “I guess I didn’t.”

Her face was pinched up like she was trying not to cry. “I just don’t know. I mean, there are these kids who say they’re Christians, but they seem kind of stuck up …” She glanced toward the exit, and I wondered if she was thinking about making a break for it.

“That happens sometimes, Haley. But it’s not fair to judge God based on how some ignorant people act. You need to get to know Him for who He really is, for yourself.”

She seemed to be considering this.

“Do you want me to pray with you?” I asked. Now I have to admit that this is something I’m not that comfortable with, at least not by myself. I don’t like to come across as too pushy. I mean, I figure if God is doing a number on someone’s heart, they don’t need me pressuring them too. But Allie and Laura are perfectly fine doing this, and I usually rely on them to help me out. But I glanced over my shoulder to see that they were both busy with fans. In the same instant, I noticed Jeremy nearby and he wasn’t
talking to anyone, but I really didn’t want to ask for his help. I quickly turned back to Haley and smiled.

“I guess so,” she said.

So, silently praying for God’s help, I bowed my head and began to pray for her. I don’t even remember what exactly I prayed for, but I felt as though I was bumbling along and probably making a mess of everything, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see that Jeremy had joined us and put a hand on Haley’s shoulder too. When he started to pray, I actually felt my eyes filling with tears. It was so powerful and amazing. It’s like he knew everything about this girl and her need for God and just everything. He even got her to pray with him, actually inviting God into her heart. Incredible! By the time he said amen, both Haley and I were crying. I gave her a big hug. “Welcome to God’s family.” Then I sneaked her a free CD, which I will replace from my own personal stash, and one of the tracts that Omega provides for us to give to new believers that even has a website with more helpful information.

“Your life will never be the same again,” Jeremy reassured her. Then a couple of other kids came up and joined her. It turned out they were her cousins, kids who’d been witnessing to her for years. Haley and I hugged again, and I told her
that I’d be praying for her, and then they left.

“Thanks, Jeremy,” I said, feeling a little self-conscious. “I was kind of floundering there.”

“Hey, you were willing. That’s what counts.”

“But how did you know I needed help?”

“I guess it was a God-thing.” He smiled.

I nodded, at the same time telling myself to
watch my heart
—no major meltdowns for me tonight. “Well, I appreciate it.” I waved over to Allie.

Now the most miraculous part of this evening was the simple way God pulled Haley right into His arms. I know it was the result of His perfect timing and everything, but it was amazing to participate in, amazing to witness.

But in a smaller way, I was amazed at how I kept my heart under control. Despite the impressive way Jeremy prayed and ministered to Haley—which would’ve normally attracted me like a magnet—I managed to maintain that safe distance. I managed to keep myself from plunging into the depths of infatuation and experiencing another full-blown crush. I’ve decided that a crush is exactly what it sounds like—it can
crush
your heart. In other words, not good. At least not for me. For me, a crush is to be avoided at all costs. What a relief it is to know this.