Facing the Music And Living To Talk About It (2 page)

CHAPTER ONE

FOR LESLIE AND FOR YOU

T
HE HEADLINE IN
the
New York Daily News
reporting my sister’s death told only a small part of her story:

NICK AND AARON CARTER’S SISTER LESLIE DIED FROM DRUG OVERDOSE, WAS UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF SEVERAL PRESCRIPTION
DRUGS: POLICE REPORT

The 25-year-old singer had moved to family’s home in upstate New York to kick habit

Leslie died on January 31, 2012 in Mayville, New York where she was visiting our father. She left behind her 10-month-old daughter Alyssa and her husband Mike along with the rest of our family. It’s difficult for me to even write about her death. I doubt that the grief and the hurt I feel will ever leave me. I’ve always wanted the best for my family. I love all my siblings, and though our relationships have been complicated, I’ve tried to help each of them many times. I’ve given them money and other material things, but I realize now the best thing I could have done for any of them was to give them this book.

The greatest
gift
you and I will ever receive is the realization that we can and should take responsibility for our own lives. We can rise above anything that has happened to us because we have the power to choose how we respond to those events. We should never waste time waiting for someone else to make us happy when we have that ability ourselves.

After my own long struggle in which I sometimes played the victim and blamed others for my challenges, I’ve discovered there is nothing more fulfilling and rewarding than stepping up and doing whatever it takes to claim the life you want.

UNLOADING BAGGAGE

My siblings and I grew up in an unconventional family. We were not dealt the greatest cards when it came to our home environment. Maybe you weren’t either. I know we all have baggage we carry around with us. For a long time, I let what happened in my past spoil my vision of the future. I didn’t think I deserved success or love or happiness. In some ways, I was hanging on to a victim mentality, playing the blame game, feeling sorry for myself. You know how that worked out for me—not well.

But once I dumped that kind of thinking and decided that I wanted and deserved something better, I went after it. I stopped waiting for things to change and I actively made changes of my own. Although I’ve made a lot of progress, I’m still working on myself. I’m not entirely where I want to be yet, but every day that I take a step in the right direction is a good day. I know there are great things to come.

What we all have to bear in mind is that you and I were not put on this earth to suffer and struggle. We are all here to make a contribution. We may have some work to do, but just acknowledging that we aren’t the individuals we want to be yet is a major leap toward making things better. The key is to stay focused and committed to moving forward every day.

That’s not to say you won’t take a few backwards steps now and then. It happens. Believe me, I know. Just understand that you have the power to choose a better life for yourself. Once you make that choice, there are many people willing to help you and many ways you can help yourself, too.

I’ve worked hard to find healthier ways to think and to live. I’ve learned a great deal about how to deal with my demons. Professional therapists have helped me understand what has made me insecure and self-destructive at times. Yet, I’m still prone to messing up. Perfection is a great goal, but I’m not there yet. I’m often guilty of not following the advice of others, including my therapist, fellow Backstreet Boys, and friends who’ve reached out.

I still struggle with my issues, including insecurities and a lack of trust. Many of my challenges are related to the way I grew up. That’s not an excuse. Lots of people have grown up in dysfunctional families. Some have survived serious abuse. Many have lost their parents or other loved ones. The point is that there is no such thing as the perfect life. Most people have had bad things happen in their lives, yet they’ve managed to deal with them by recognizing it’s not what happens to you that shapes your life; it’s how you respond to it. And it’s not where you come from either; it’s where you end up that counts. The example of these people should give us all hope.

PERCEPTION VERSUS REALITY

Before you can heal, however, you have to understand where the hurt comes from. In the case of us Carters, it comes from a very particular kind of family dysfunction. Members of our family have a tendency to do and say things without thinking first.

I’m as guilty of this as anyone. I’ve blown up in anger or frustration and later realized I never should have let those words out of my mouth because words do hurt. I’ve had to work on thinking before I act. It’s all about being aware of the thoughts and feelings that affect you, then taking just a split second to consider why they are there and how to respond to them wisely. If you don’t pause and take stock of those feelings, whatever you do next will only come back to bite you in the ass.

For most of my life, I
didn’t
evaluate my thoughts or emotions. I just reacted by lashing out. Then I learned about the concept of filters.

Each of us has unique ways of looking at the world based on our experiences, both good and bad. If you grew up in a loving and supportive home where you were encouraged to develop your mind and your talents, the way you look at things is likely to be much different than the way someone who has been abused or neglected looks at things. Past hurts, rejections, and failures can wear you down. They can make you distrustful, wary, and unwilling to put yourself out there for fear of experiencing those horrible feelings again. The first step toward changing your life is to change your filter. That means deciding that no matter what happened to you in the past, you still deserve the best of what life has to offer.

THE FIRST STEP TOWARD
CHANGING YOUR LIFE IS TO CHANGE YOUR FILTER.

I know from experience that working hard and achieving your dreams won’t bring true happiness and fulfillment unless you believe in your heart that you are worthy of it. So, before any changes can be made successfully, we have to examine who we are now and who we want to be going forward. Admittedly, it’s not an easy thing to do. Looking deep inside of yourself isn’t fun. It takes a mature person to conduct an honest appraisal of character, attitudes, prejudices, judgment, and other critical aspects of personality. To help yourself feel worthy of success, you need to understand the experiences and influences that have contributed to the particular life filter you have in place now.

WALLED OFF

To be blunt, Leslie’s and my filters were established when we were very young and they became more damaged as we grew. My siblings and I weren’t particularly well-nurtured as kids. I write more about that in the chapters to come, but for now just know that while I’m sure our parents loved us, they didn’t demonstrate their love in ways that typically make kids feel safe and secure. We all know that to be loved is one of the greatest human needs. If we don’t feel well cared for early in life, it definitely messes with our perceptions and influences all of our future relationships. We may feel we can’t trust others. We may drive people away intentionally or build walls around our feelings so we can’t be hurt. We may even choose to harm ourselves before anyone else can.

Although the media said drugs for schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and anxiety were found near Leslie’s body, I don’t know that she was ever truly diagnosed with any of those problems. Sadly, I’m aware that Leslie had been self-medicating—probably against her own hurt and isolation—for a long time.

She passed away because she allegedly took too many pills, though to this day, I’m not sure how many pills were involved. Her death may have been accidental for all I know. I’m also uncertain if a medical professional prescribed the drugs she was taking. What I can tell you, though, is that whenever I saw her in recent years, she was acting in ways that both concerned and scared me because I cared about her.

During those last years of her life, Leslie was not the person I had known and loved for so long. The lifestyle she was living and the choices she was making when it came to her health had really changed her. She felt she wasn’t in control, and I worried about that same thing. One night during a Christmas holiday, she went out partying. When she came home, she told me she thought she should be admitted to a mental institution. She said she’d done things that night that she badly regretted.

My family quickly mobilized and did some research, looking for a place that could help her, but when we told Leslie what we’d found, she’d changed her mind. She thought that she might be better off if she moved to Canada. She actually would’ve preferred to live with our grandparents in upstate New York, but they feared it would be too hard for them to care for her.

Although we continued to worry about my sister, she refused all of our further efforts to help her. Instead, she asked for money. Unfortunately, I was afraid she’d just use it to buy more drugs. This is such a serious issue today, throughout the nation and around the world. There are so many people in need of professional help who are self-medicating. The misuse of drugs is epidemic. People feel a pill can fix everything. And too often, they think more and more pills will make them feel even better when, in fact, taking more than the prescribed dose can kill you or mess you up for life. It pains me to think that if Leslie had been guided properly, she might still be with us.

A professional therapist, psychiatrist, or doctor won’t put you on medication unless you truly need it. And you should never take more than the prescribed dose—or worse, act as your own doctor and self-medicate. I know this because I’ve had serious issues with alcohol and other drugs in the past, which I certainly regret.

After everything I have been through, and certainly after Leslie’s death, I don’t advise anyone to do drugs of any kind. In fact, I’m a strong believer in holistic alternatives to traditional medicine because too many traditional medications have dangerous side effects. I like the fact that holistic medicine is intended to treat the mind, body, and spirit as one. It incorporates natural diet and herbal remedies, nutritional supplements, fitness workouts, breathing exercises, acupuncture, massage, and various relaxation methods to help people achieve lasting health.

Once I focused on trying to stay clean and taking better care of myself, I offered to help Leslie do the same, but she wouldn’t hear of it. Her walls were up. It’s sad, but we were not on good terms when she died. I hadn’t seen her for nearly a year before then and can’t say that we had much of a close relationship since we were kids. In some ways this is understandable. I am six years older than Leslie, and I joined Backstreet Boys when she was only six. I was out of the house for most of Leslie’s childhood. Because we didn’t really grow up together, we never had a chance to be as connected as most brothers and sisters.

I do recall Leslie and I having fun though when we were very young, and I prefer to think of those years when she is on my mind. Memories of those times came flooding back to me when I recently watched a home movie made just before I joined BSB. We were living in Tampa then. As a kid I dreamed of becoming a film director some day. I loved making movies with my brother and sisters as actors. I taped a bunch of these home movies after winning a video camera in a competition sponsored by
The New Original Amateur Hour
television show at Universal Studios in Orlando.

In this particular video, I created my own version of a local-news broadcast. Leslie, who was just about seven at the time, was the news anchor. It was touching but sad to watch. She was so young and innocent then. Life’s challenges hadn’t affected her yet, and her potential seemed limitless. We were just kids playing at home, and the video captured a sweet moment in our lives. Those moments were all too rare.

Watching those home movies made me wish we’d had more of those peaceful childhood memories. Maybe Leslie and I would have been closer to each other and to our other siblings if I’d been around more. I tried many years later to get close to her, but it was difficult to get through the barriers she’d put up by then. I wish I’d done more to break through those barriers before it was too late. I hope she’s forgiven me. I’ve certainly forgiven her.

REACHING OUT

Despite not being there for most of Leslie’s formative years, we were both raised under the same conditions in the same incredibly chaotic household. My nickname, Kaos, and the name of my company, Kaotic, are drawn from the fact that our house was so crazy. Leslie was the middle child, which is usually a good position for being sheltered. She did get some protection—mostly from my grandparents who may have spoiled her in their efforts to give her what she so badly needed—but Leslie wasn’t entirely shielded. She was just a year and a half old when Aaron and Angel were born. As twins, they attracted a lot of attention. Leslie often said she didn’t get as much love as they did. She didn’t always handle it well either, and sometimes her actions created friction with the rest of us.

I don’t want to defame my late sister in any way, but she was often difficult to get along with. She once went on Twitter and railed against me, telling my fans that I had refused to support her financially after I actually had done a lot to help her in that regard. I was really hurt by that.

It was common for my family members, including my parents, to ask me for financial help after Backstreet Boys took off and we had so much success. I didn’t mind at first. I was glad to be able to help them in any way that I could, until around the time I turned 27 and I purposely stopped because giving them money didn’t appear to be helping them at all.

I was in the studio one day when I got a call from my sister Angel. She told me to look on Twitter because Leslie was saying bad stuff about me. I was shocked at first and then, of course, I felt betrayed because for so many years I tried to help her. I could only hang my head in sadness after all those things she was saying. She was making public so many personal and private matters that it caused even more of a strain on our relationship. She tweeted that I didn’t care about our family any more and claimed I wouldn’t help her get a place to live, which was so untrue. If only she could have remembered all the things I had done for her. I’m afraid she was really trying to replace something inside of her that had been lost long ago.