Faith, Honor & Freedom (18 page)

He shakes his head back and forth. “I put out some calls, but nothing yet.”

Feeling defeated, I climb back into my bed, turning my back to him.

“Look Lana, I don’t like you staying here on your own,” he says in his concerned tone, and I feel my heart start to flutter. Does he want to stay here with me? Maybe we’ll finally get to talk about things.

“I want you to switch houses with me until we catch this guy. My condo is safer, it’s high off the ground, and you’ll have building security as well as the security of the condo itself.” I feel my stomach lurch. He’s big-brothering me again. He isn’t here for me; he’s here out of duty to Rhett.

“Go fuck yourself, Hoss,” I say bitterly, thinking my thoughts aloud.

“Lana, I’m just trying to …”

“Protect me. Don’t I know it,” I say sharply. “That’s all you’ve ever wanted to do.”

“Come on Lana, you know Rhett would kill me if I didn’t make sure you were safe.”

“Really? You’re doing it because Rhett would have wanted you to? Not because you fucked me the other night? Oh right, you don’t give a shit about the women you fuck. Add me to that list instead, Hoss, and leave me off this pretend-like-you-give-a-shit one.”

I don’t turn to look at him. I can’t. I don’t want him to see the tears threatening to spill over. A minute passes before I hear my drawers being opened. “What the hell,” I yell, turning to look at him. His back is to me, and for a second, I admire his ass in the jeans he’s wearing. An ass I gripped while he fucked me. Pain sears through me. Where the hell did all of this attachment come from? I was fine being his friend before all of this. Now, all I want is to know why he left me there alone, and it’s killing my confidence.

“You can be a stubborn bitch all you want, Lana, but I’m going to make sure you’re alive to keep on being one,” he says indignantly.

Is he seriously calling me in a bitch in my own home? I’ll go wherever the hell he wants me to, as long as he is not there. I refuse to let him see how much this hurts me.

“Whatever,” I say, crawling out of bed and moving toward my master bath. “But if you so much as bring another girl on my fucking doorstep I will …” I start, but he stops me.

“Do you really think that low of me?” he asks, spinning to look at me. I can see the hurt and anger written all over his face. “You know what, never mind. I don’t give a shit what you think about me. Get your shit together, stay where I know you’re safe, and let me catch this asshole, so you can get on with your life, and I can get on with mine.”

I don’t bother replying. I slam my bathroom door, and turn on the shower, so I can cry in peace. Even when we were teenagers, he never called me a bitch; it stings. I turn the water to scalding hot, and let it burn my skin and wash away my tears. I take my time in the shower and again doing my hair and make-up before coming out of the bathroom in my robe. He can be a prick all he wants but so can I.

Hoss isn’t in my room, so I close my door and get dressed quickly in a pair of dark blue skinny jeans and a ruffled green tank top. I finish packing the bag he started, and grab my doula bag as well, unsure of how long I’ll be staying there. I leave my room, dropping my bags by the front door. He’s in the living room, sitting on the couch, head between his hands, and I almost feel bad for a second.
Almost
being the key word. I walk over to the hallway closet, grabbing a spare set of sheets, and a duvet cover, and adding them to my pile by the front door. There’s no way I’m sleeping on sheets his whores have all been fucked on.

“Lana, nobody has been in that bed since you,” he says, wounded. I don’t give a shit about his sadness at this point. He
should
feel bad that he called me a bitch! He rises and walks over to me, handing me a set of keys and a visa.

“I’m not a paid whore,” I retort, throwing it back at him.

“For fuck’s sake Lana, it’s for groceries. There’s none in the house.”

I don’t bother to reply. I grab my bags and sheets, carrying them to the jeep. I chuck it all in the back seat and climb into the front. I notice Hoss is standing in my doorway, and I scowl at him through my mirrors before pulling out of my drive. Asshole.

I crawl into Hoss’s bed around midnight. I had an eventful day; I bought some groceries, did some cleaning, and changed his sheets. I trust him enough to know that he didn’t sleep with anyone on them after me, but I don’t even want a reminder of what we did on them. It’s as much of a fresh start as I can give myself while staying in his condo.

Even though I slept most of today, I still feel drained. I check my phone to see if Hoss called, but the only messages I have are from Violet and Alec. I check Violet’s first.

Violet - Great news! IV is out, and we might be able to come home tomorrow. The infection is gone, but we have some liquid antibiotics to take as a precaution.

Lana – Yay! That’s my little man! So proud! Does Jack work tomorrow?

Violet - He does, but he’s going to come get us after his meeting.

Lana – Tell him I’ve got ya, and he can meet you at home, where you belong.

Violet – Thanks Lana, I appreciate it. He’s been missing so much work lately.

Lana – Don’t thank me yet; wait until you meet your new neighbor.

Violet – What are you talking about?

Lana – Hoss kicked me out of my house. He’s staying there, and I’m staying at the condo.

The phone rings, and Violet’s name is shown on the caller display. I answer and bring it to my ear.

“Spill,” she says instantaneously.

I take a deep breath, “Violet.”

“I said spill.”

“How did you know?” I ask.

“I’m offended you even asked.” I sigh. She knows me better than I know myself.

“Last night,” I reply, defeated. I can’t believe so much has happened in the last twenty-four hours. It seems like it was weeks ago now.

“Oh my God! I can’t believe it, Lana! Rhett would be laughing his ass off.”

“What, why?”

“Oh, he did everything in his power to keep Hoss away from you when we were kids, but he told me he always knew you two would end up together anyway.”

“He did not.”

“He did, too, Lana. He said it all the time. We used to bet on when it would happen.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me this? We never kept anything from each other.”

“Oh, he would have never let him date you back then anyway, and I didn’t want you to get your heart broken. He knew Hoss would fuck his way through half the town before realizing that it’s you he wants to settle down with.”

I lay back in bed, feeling like I’ve been punched in the gut. I can’t believe they both kept this from me for so long. Did Hoss know that? Of course he did. He’s just never wanted me the way I wanted him, but was too good of a friend to hurt me.

“Lana, I want details!” she pesters.

I give myself a minute before telling her everything.

“I don’t even know what to say. First of all, what a dick! I can’t believe he called you a bitch! I’m sending Jack over to kick his ass.”

“Don’t bother, I’m over it anyway. I lost all respect for him the moment he said it.”

“Oh Lana, you know he has a temper.”

“Yeah, and I can do better than that,” I reply, as a knot forms in my stomach at the thought. “Anyway, I’d better get some sleep. I’ll be by in the morning to take you two home. Do you have his car seat there with you?”

“I’ll have Jack leave it here before he goes to work in the morning.”

“Sounds good, I’ll see you then.”

I debate whether or not to check the text messages from Alec, but curiosity gets the better of me.

Alec – Still up for that raincheck?

Alec – Lana? I was thinking maybe dinner at Paliko
.

Shit. I totally forgot about seeing him tonight. Do I even want to see him again? A huge part of me feels like I cheated, but we never had a relationship; dating has never even come up. I guess we have just been having a good time. Considering things with Hoss are never going to happen, I need to just let him go and move on. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life fighting for someone who doesn’t want me to fight for him. I’m getting too old for that.

Lana – Sorry about tonight. I had a birth last night and slept most of today
.

To my surprise, despite the hour, he replies.

Alec - That’s okay. Dinner tomorrow night?

My stomach churns at the thought of moving on after Hoss. Funny actually, considering I haven’t let myself have any true feelings for him since I was sixteen. Whatever, Alec leaves town soon for work anyway, and who knows how long he will be gone. He clearly isn’t looking for anything serious, either. It will be a good distraction from Hoss and Jade.

Lana – Sounds good.

Alec – I’ll pick you up at seven
.

Shit, now how do I explain staying at Hoss’s condo? No matter what I say, it’s going to make me look bad.

Lana – I’m staying with a friend actually, so how about I meet you there?

Alec – See you at Paliko at 7
.

I lay my phone on his nightstand after setting my alarm. I try and doze off, but bits and pieces of Jade’s letter run on repeat in my mind. I make a promise to myself to find her, just to make sure she’s okay. I know she doesn’t think she wants to be found, but she can’t get through life on her own like this. She needs help. I fall asleep dreaming of a plan that will better Jade’s life, and the baby’s, too.

I wander into the hospital at nine the next morning. I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking with peculiar nightmares about Jade. I need to find her soon before I lose my mind. I walk up to Violet’s room, ready to spring my little man from this joint. I open his door to find Violet nursing him in the rocking chair, not a wire in sight.

“Hey,” I greet, busting into the room with my congratulatory balloons. Violet lets out a huge laugh, and Gavin looks up at her curiously.

“You know the
Congratulations
balloons are generally for when you have your baby. He’s getting quite old now.”

“They say
Congratulations
. As in, congrats, you’ve been sprung!”

“Should have known,” she laughs.

“So I don’t see any wires. Does that mean he really gets to come home today?”

“He does! We’re just waiting for rounds, and then the doctor can draw up the discharge papers. You’re a little early,” she says, rubbing the top of his head.

“Yeah, well, it’s that or sit in Hoss’s apartment and root through his stuff.”

“Well, that sounds a lot more entertaining to be honest.”

“Nothing is more enjoyable than my little man here.”

“While he is remarkable, at this point in life, he’s mainly focused on sleeping, eating, and pooping. All of which he excels at, I might add,” Vi says proudly.

“You’re such a mom,” I jest.

“Speaking of which, any word on Jade?” she asks, anxious to hear the answer.

I realize I haven’t even told her about the letter she left me. It’s so private that I’m not sure I want to share, but at the same time, keeping it all inside is going to eat me alive. I dig the letter out of my purse and pass it to her. She looks up at me, but I say nothing while she opens the letter and begins to read. I pick up Gavin and place him up on my shoulder, softly patting his back.

I pace the room impatiently while Vi reads and finally manage to get a little burp out of Gavin. I chance a peek back at Violet and notice the tears streaming down her face. At least I wasn’t the only one who cried reading it.

“Are you going to?” she asks, looking up from the letter.

“Of course not! Violet I’m a twenty-eight year old unwed doula living in my deceased brother’s house. I’m not exactly in a position to rear a child.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” she says, standing.

“Are you seriously trying to talk me into this?”

“I am. That child needs a mother, and I can’t think of anyone who would be a better one than you. And I’ve seen your account balance, so don’t act like you’re poor.”

“That’s Rhett’s money, not mine. A child would eat through that savings. Not to mention what would I do when I get called out in the middle of the night for a two-day labor?” I ask, handing Gavin back to her.

“You bring her over to me, that’s what you do.”

“Vi, I couldn’t do that to you and Jack,” I argue.

“You could, seeing as I’ll be dropping Gavin off plenty of times a month, too, so Jack and I can have some alone time,” she says, waggling her eyebrows and trying to make light of the situation.

“The answer is still no Violet. I don’t want to be a single mother. I want to get married, have my own children.”

“Just because you didn’t push her out doesn’t mean she won’t be yours.”

“I can’t do this right now,” I say, wanting to change the subject, since I’m unable to leave. Why did I agree to drive her home, and even worse, why did I show her the letter? She just pushed out a baby—she’s hormonal.

“Just answer me this then—who’s going to take the baby?”

“Social services,” I reply.

“Kind of like Katie, huh,” she retorts.

Katie was a girl in our fifth grade class. She was always in and out of foster homes and came to school in dirty clothes, bruises, and most of the time had no lunch. Violet and I always tried to bring extra and sit with her at lunchtime, but we could tell she was embarrassed. She just stopped coming to school one day; I guess she transferred houses, or maybe she was adopted. We never did hear from her again to find out.

“Violet, I just … can’t.”

“You mean you won’t, huge difference.”

“I’m going to forgive you right now, because I know you’re hormonal, and want every baby to have it all like Gavin does, but not everyone can be so lucky. You do know there are good foster homes, right? One of my clients, Christina, was also a foster mom. An awesome one!”

“Lana, I’ve been sitting in this hospital room for days cuddling my little guy while he’s sick. I feel like it’s the only thing I can do. That little girl down there has nobody to snuggle her. She has no one in this world to offer her unconditional love, and while I’m sure the nurses will care on some level what happens to her, nobody truly cares, and everyone should have someone in their lives who loves them no matter what,” she says, looking down at the baby in her arms.