Fall Apart (37 page)

“Your dad was at the funeral with your mom, did you see them? Is that even how it works? Maybe you just go to sleep and stay that way forever, not even aware anything happened, but something sort of tells me that you’re around somewhere.”

He pictured Todd telling him that all these thoughts were the result of survivor’s guilt.

“You’re probably right,” he answered aloud, “but if there’s such a thing as reincarnation, you probably want to keep that opinion on the down low. You’ll end up as a bull impregnating cows all day.”

Todd would’ve said that wasn’t such a bad deal.

Damon’s smile was sad, but he was smiling… “I miss you, Toddy, but I’m trying to live now, which is more than I can say for a few weeks ago. It’d be nice to feel like you’re still with me, so, if there’s someone you can pass that request along to so we can still hang out in my brain, that’d be great.”

Damon started the car and couldn’t help the shiver at the sound of an engine so different than his old, rattling truck. Todd had bequeathed him an almost brand new Lexus GS Hybrid. His friend had owned it less than a year.

“Christmas is in two weeks,” he announced to the air, remembering the holiday one year ago. “Everything’s different. Who’s going to ignore my sister under the mistletoe?”

The bittersweet pain fisted in his stomach. God, would it be this bad forever? Almost okay one minute, and the next, knocked flat by an old memory?

“Everyone talks about time healing shit like this, but I don’t know, man…”

Several minutes passed and Damon heard his phone buzzing on the passenger seat. That would be his mom telling him he was late for dinner. She didn’t trust him to eat on his own nowadays.

Damon began to back out of the parking space when another thought occurred to him and he stomped the brakes so hard the car jerked and tightened the seatbelt over his chest.

“Yo! Todd,” he hissed over the ache in his ribs. “It’d also be great if you could help me with Alarik. I really fucked that up, so any wisdom from on high that you can send my way… Or, should I forget about it after letting him go?”

This time, it was almost as if he could hear Todd’s response coming from right beside him. I’m supposed to be RESTING in PEACE, dude. Instead, I’m running your errands to the Almighty. Go out and DO something.

***

Reid and Mark’s parents rolled into L.A. from Bakersfield the day before everyone was leaving for Tahoe together. Brad and Patty Newland were waving from the car and honking the horn in short bursts to show their excitement, but compared to the way Reid was acting in the back seat, his parents were sedate. The back window was down and all Zane could hear was Reid.

“Child locks, dad! You’ve gotta undo the child locks before I piss my pants back here,” he yelled. “I’m going to have to climb through the window.”

“What child locks?” Brad was yelling back. “I hit the button!”

“Reid, no one told you to drink such an enormous soda,” Patty threw in her two cents, still smiling and waving at Zane.

“Dad, park the car.”

Zane looked down at Mark who was smiling back apologetically. “The sounds of Christmas. Gird your loins.”

Zane grinned as Mark’s dad hit the brakes and Reid burst from the back seat like a firework. Reid blew kisses at his brother and Zane as he sprinted past and even where they were standing on the front porch, they could hear the bathroom door slam and the relieved groan that followed.

Patty danced to their side, an evergreen sweater and red bauble earrings announcing her Christmas spirit. “My boys,” she laughed, crushing them in sugar-cookie perfumed hugs. “Ignore Reid. He drank an entire
Big Gulp
when we left Bakersfield.”

Mark’s dad came around the car with less fanfare, but every few steps he stopped to look at the back tires. “Merry Christmas, kids,” he said, hugging them distractedly. “I think your mother’s car needs an alignment. It steers like I’m driving from the back seat.”

Patty rolled her eyes and mumbled under her breath, “All the way here I’m listening to this.” Mark was about to step in and referee when his mom noticed Zane’s ball cap. “Oh no—your head. Mark warned me. It’ll still be shaved during award season—and you with
two
nominations already!”

Zane grabbed her in a tight hug, distracting her. She blushed and took off the hat. “See? It’s not so bad,” he said.

A half-squelched wail left her mouth as she touched his bald head, content to do so while being held in his arms. “Your beautiful hair! Oh, Zane. What will your mom say?”

“She gets here in two hours; we’ll ask her then.”

Patty turned back to her husband, looking forlorn, and they began the extended conversation of how best to unload the car. They did this on purpose, Mark told Zane, so that while they discussed, the boys actually did all the work.

Zane had a heavy suitcase in each hand and Mark was reaching for a box filled with wrapped presents when Reid returned for his encore. “Careful with my box, Mark. I wrapped all those gifts with these two fucking hands.”

“Reid Newland! Language!”

Mark agreed with Patty. “Every time you use the f-word at Christmas, an angel loses its wings.”

“Guess we must’ve lost a lot of angels the Christmas dad had to put together those new bikes.”

Brad snorted at one of his worst parental memories. “A shitload.”

Patty gasped at her husband and Mark winced. “Can we at least get inside the house where there’s a tree and decorations, and the
booze,
before this discussion continues?”

“I want booze,” Mark’s dad answered, and then grumbled behind his hand, “I need booze after driving that car.”

Zane took that as his cue to usher Brad and Patty inside and turned to check on Mark from the porch. He watched as Reid took the box of gifts from Mark, set them on the ground, and pulled him into a hug. “Thanks for going along with this trip for me, little brother. You didn’t have to.”

Surprised, Mark patted him on the back. “Hey, it’s no problem. Merry Christmas, Reid.”

“Merry Christmas. Maybe later, to make it up to you, we can go toilet paper Brad Pershall’s house, pee on his front porch, key his cars, rescue his pets from captivity…”

Reid’s voice faded as Zane headed inside. Chuckling to himself, he thought of how he needed to pin down Sophia Kirkland on her invitation to join them this week. Reid should have another shot with her, and honestly, Zane thought she needed another shot with his brother-in-law. Any guy willing to toilet paper a bastard’s house for Zane’s sake, well…that gave him a warm fuzzy.

Plus, the group would be minus one guy because Alarik was going to back out. Zane could see the signs all week any time he brought up the trip. The lost, angry, lovesick look Alarik had been wearing since Damon emailed was all Zane needed to see.

That’s two missed calls from Max now, Alarik thought, glancing at his phone nestled between a half-full cup of coffee and the remains of a protein bar in his cup holders. The phone was still glowing with its disapproving display of
“Hayama Makoto – two missed calls.”

Alarik told Zane first thing that morning that he couldn’t make the trip to Tahoe and his friend hadn’t been surprised. He supposed the show he’d put on, acting like all was gumdrops and chocolate, hadn’t worked. Damon’s email was resting over his mind like a radioactive cloud and he knew if he didn’t
do
something, he’d go mad. Collateral damage with Max would have to wait until later because all Alarik could think of was Damon. Seeing him. Yelling at him. Pummeling him. Snogging…

He was once again on the road to Ventura, wondering what to say and if he’d be welcomed. This time, however, he wasn’t just nervous, he was upset. He was tired of the endless worrying without resolution. His heart was hanging out in the breeze and he couldn’t move on with his world like this.

With six days left until Christmas, Alarik was traveling to Ventura with the token excuse of celebrating the holiday with Mandy and Luke. Everyone knew what the visit was really about: He was going to haunt Damon like the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future until their relationship was truly settled, one way or another. He’d become his own worst nightmare—he was the clingy ex who couldn’t let go. The painful truth had to be hammered into his skull.

Mandy met him at the door and even with a heavy heart, it was impossible not to notice the amount of work she’d put into decorating. There were thousands of lights twinkling at him from the eves of the house and the trees in the yard, and an elaborate wreath hung on the door. The rooms smelled of cinnamon, evergreen, and miraculous cookies.

“Hello, love. You’ve been baking,” he murmured, nuzzling at her ear until she giggled. “You smell like vanilla.

“Christmas isn’t Christmas without cookies. I wanted to give you a traditional welcome.” Mandy pulled back far enough that she could get a good look at his face and her smile slowly became a frown. “You’re a mess, aren’t you?”

His bravado faltered for a beat before he squared his shoulders. “Nonsense. Tired from work, is all.”

Mandy looked like she wanted to dig deeper, so Alarik asked about Luke.

“Oh, he’s wrapping up a real estate contract issue that one of the companies he represents wants taken care of before New Year’s. He’ll be home a bit late. But
I
,” she stopped to open her arms wide and spin next to her Christmas tree, “have already had two days off to do whatever I want! I’ve been baking, shopping, getting your room ready and—” Mandy skipped away again, her energy shooting outward like she was a small sun, and grabbed something he couldn’t identify from her dining table. “—I’ve also been taking pregnancy tests!”

Then, three matching sticks with tiny digital printouts that said, “Pregnant” in bold letters, were shoved beneath his nose.

Alarik froze for several seconds. He looked from the sticks to Mandy’s beaming face and back to the sticks. “Pregnant?!”

Mandy squealed and nodded, hopping on her tiptoes like a much younger version of herself.

He laughed in shock and pulled her into another embrace. “Am I the father?” he teased. “If I’m the father, you must be having triplets. I’m quite potent.”

Mandy was too giddy to respond to his joke and in the face of all that joy, the black cloud over his heart dissipated a bit.

“I can’t believe it,” she said breathlessly. “We always talked about wanting kids, but… It’s unreal!”

“Aw, little Mandy’s going to be a mum.” She got teary-eyed at his use of the word and he kissed her on the nose to stop any serious crying. Tears were a bit contagious for him at present. “You’ve told Luke, yes?”

She nodded, gazing happily at the tests in her hands. “We found out three days ago. I wanted to make sure, so I went to the doctor after I took these.”

Well, four tests probably clinched it. Seeing her so happy made him think of all of the years he’d known her and the myriad expressions he’d seen on her face. Future motherhood suited her quite well. With the lights of the Christmas tree giving her a golden glow, it was like getting a look at the Virgin Mary—well, the Virgin Mary post shocking pregnancy discovery, angelic visits, and a near break-up with Joseph.

Alarik and Mandy talked about the future and Luke’s reaction to the news, but it didn’t take her long to turn the conversation back to him. She surprised him with her delicacy because before he realized what was happening, she was talking about Damon and the subtle and not-so-subtle changes that she’d seen in him since Thanksgiving.

“He’s doing a little better,” she said kindly. “Especially since he’s been spending more time with Luke and Franco. He came over for dinner last week and it was nice to see him.”

“He looks okay?” Alarik asked, his pride slinking off into the corner of his psyche. “I mean, he’s healing physically?”

Mandy nodded, taking his hand and giving it a tender squeeze. “The bruises are gone and they removed the pins in his wrist and arm last week. Still has the sling, though. I think that his ribs give him some pain. He didn’t talk about any of that when he was here, though. He wanted to know about Luke and me. Our work and stuff like that.”

“Is he acting, do you think? Or…”

“I think he’s trying to be okay. It’s not an act.” Her brow furrowed as she thought of something. “Don’t tell Luke I told you this, but it’s been really surprising seeing how the two of them have been dealing with this. I actually think that Luke was a bit hurt because he didn’t realize how close Todd and Damon had become. Then, when Damon wouldn’t talk to anyone after the accident, especially Luke, he didn’t know how to react. I was really worried that they wouldn’t be able to get back to good. The past couple weeks, though, things seem to be changing for the better.”

Alarik took all of the information in and mulled it over. Talking about the man he loved with his best friend was only making him more restless. He simply didn’t know if he could trust himself or his reactions. His heart was crying out for him to go to Damon and to do so immediately. His hardened side completely disagreed.
Make him wait. Show him you’ve suffered, too.
Thinking that way made him feel like a bastard.

Mandy released his hand and patted him on the knee. “Come with me. We’ll put your things in your room and then you can take him some cookies. I wrapped them up for him because I figured you’d be willing to deliver them.”

Alarik’s refusal was forced and crumbled almost immediately. Picturing Damon across from him had his heart pounding. He needed closure, or a miracle. That’s how he ended up showered, changed, and back in his car with a cookie delivery in the passenger seat. His stomach was in his throat and he kept noisily coughing to beat it down where it belonged. He made the turn onto Damon’s street and was surprised to see a lighted Christmas tree standing in front of the picture window. It was beautiful and it unexpectedly calmed him.

Parking, he lifted the box of cookies Mandy had baked and walked to the door. He knocked before he lost his courage. It took a minute, but he finally heard Damon call out that he was coming and just the sound of his voice made Alarik’s hands shake.