Falling Behind (Falling Series) (13 page)

Chapter Twenty-One

Titus

When Reese came back out of her room, she looked relaxed. I also caught something close to mischief gleaming in her denim-blue eyes. I took in the rest of her when she turned her back toward me to and headed into the kitchen. Her normally tight fitting dance shorts hung on her loosely. Don’t get me wrong, they still looked amazing on her. Just big. The tight black tank with the hot pink sports bra underneath was also a little loose. The girl still looked gorgeous. She had gone completely comfortable and even pulled her hair up into a messy bun on top of her head.

I had to start thinking about baseball again
, to distract when she opened the freezer and reached up to the top shelf for the ice cream. The tank lifted, showing two dimples low on her back—just peeking out from the black dance shorts, she’d folded over to make shorter. The curve of skin at the top of her thigh was showing and I knew I’d better think of something else before I went and forced my lips on her.

A’s, Dodgers, Giants…

I closed my eyes and willed myself to relax.

“Are you sleeping?” Reese whispered.

I cocked an eyebrow and peeked out of one eye.
“Uh, no.”

“Oh
, okay. I figured we could do a little reminiscing and celebrating, Candice style.” She held out Rocky Road ice cream, Doritos and the movie
Grease
in her hands. How she held onto it all, I wasn’t too sure.

I sat up smiling, relief washing through me. This
combination would put a damper on any fire I had brewing. “Sounds perfect. Want me to start the movie?”

She
handed me the DVD. “Sure. I’ll get sodas and spoons.” She shrugged. “I ran out of hands.” Giggling a little, she gasped in surprise before frowning and walking off into the kitchen.

I knew what was going through her head.
The same thing was going through mine. Was it okay to be happy? How could we be acting “normal”, today of all days? Shouldn’t that come later? Somberness fell over us when Reese and I settled on the couch with a blanket and our junk food, ready to watch the old, musical.

“Do you remember the first time we did this?” Reese’s voice was thick with emotion.

“Yep. Candice and I had just broken up.” I laughed. Geez, breaking up in fifth grade was way different than breaking up in high school. “Candice wanted to prove that we could still be friends and she wanted to introduce me to you. When I got here, you had these,” I pointed to the snacks on our laps, “ready for us to share and the movie already playing.

“I swore to myself that night that you two would be my best friends forever, as long as you never made me watch this
, again.” I didn’t tell her that my heart skipped several beats when I knocked on her door, that night.  My heart still races whenever I head over here. The girl has driven me crazy since day one.

Giggling
, Reese slapped my arm. “You loved it and you know it. Besides, until today, I am pretty sure we didn’t subject you to “Summer Nights”, again.”

“You’re right
; and that is why we’re still friends.” Winking at her, I took a huge spoonful of chocolate and marshmallow and shoved it in my mouth, followed by a handful of cheesy chips. The girls had come up with some straight awesomsauce mixing chocolate and cheesy-corn-chips.

Reese

The second stage of grief is guilt and pain. The pain hit me a few days before the funeral, and again, immediately afterward. It was weird. I felt the hole open up, inviting me in. I felt myself floating toward it. Then Titus mentioned getting changed, and the pain eased. He was still with me. I hadn’t lost Titus. Then the guilt started. We started laughing and he playfully winked at me. We shouldn’t have been acting normal. We had just buried our best friend.

I was torn. I didn’t know how
I was supposed to feel. Shouldn’t a person be in pain for a really long time and not be able to experience happiness? When is it okay not to be sad and is it all right to feel normal, occasionally? I didn’t know. I needed to talk to mom, tonight. She could help me understand what I am feeling, or not feeling.

We went back to school the next day. It was strange. Weird. Everyone stared at us, whispering behind our backs. But no one asked a single question. I had a feeling they were instructed not to. I was grateful for such an understanding and caring office staff.

Mr.
Gustin asked that we come directly into his office, first thing.

“I’m glad to see you both
felt ready to come back. We are starting grief counseling, today. Are either of you interested? Or have you already started seeing a counselor?”

“I’m okay, Mr. Gustin. I’d rather not talk to a school counselor. If I need to talk to someone, I will have my mom make me an appointment.”

Titus leaned forward in his chair
, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together.

“I, uh, I’ll think about it
. Thank you, Mr. Gustin.” I wrung my hands in my lap. The whole situation was uncomfortable. After talking to mom last night, I understood that everything I was feeling was normal. I’m not crossing the possibility of talking to someone completely off my list, but right now I think I can manage without a shrink. We’ll see.

He nodded his head before taking a sip
of his coffee. Clearing his throat, he approached another topic. “Your teachers, following Mr. Wait’s lead, have gathered some make-up work and test for the two of you to complete over the next couple weeks. This will give each of you the opportunity to catch up and get the grades you deserve. The grades you would have earned, had circumstances been different.”

Titus lifted his head
. “Do you have those for us?” His feet shifted the weight back and forth bouncing his knees up and down. I could tell he was itching to get out of this office.

“No, Mr. Wait has everything for you. Stay after class with him and he can go over the details for all the assignments with you.”

Titus stood. “Anything else?”

With eyes full of concern
, Mr. Gustin shook his head. “Not at this time. You may head back for the rest of first period. Grab a note from the secretary. Titus, Reese…” His eyes shone with unshed tears. “I am truly sorry for your loss. Candice was an amazing young lady. Together, you need to remember her and heal.”

The lump in my throat threatened to
restrict all breathing. I swallowed it down, blinking away the moisture in my eyes.
You. Can. Do. This.
A week after losing someone isn’t enough time to heal, by any means; but I should have been able to cope, to get through at least one day without having a breakdown or panic attack.  I could do this. I. Could.

“Thank you
, Sir.”—

“Thank you
, Mr. Gustin.” Titus and I spoke at the same time. I followed him out of the office, my eyes dry and the lump gone. For now.

The first three periods were full of curious looks snide comments. More times than I could count on my fingers, I heard what a whore I was and how Candice had taught me everything. My heart ripped into pieces. But Titus was there, finding me in between any class that we didn’t share. He was there to glare at the rude remarks and whisperers. On more than one occasion, our classmates would skitter away, mumbling something about watching or he may bust up their noses, too. They people didn’t give a crap who they bad mouthed, even the dead. They ripped into all three of us, equally

Then there were
some students that couldn’t stop crying and apologizing. Those few almost drove me crazier than the jerks. My stomach was on a roller coaster between nerves, sadness and being royally pissed. I was relieved that I didn’t run into Josh or Alex. I was pretty certain they didn’t come to school, today.
Hopefully they’re rotting in a jail cell.

Titus and I made our way to
ward our fourth period class early, giving ourselves time to talk to Mr. Wait. Titus opened the door, motioning for me to go in, first. Mr. Wait sat on the corner of his desk, face masked with indifference. I knew better. He cared way too much to be indifferent. He was hurting as much as we were.

“Good
afternoon, guys.” He uncrossed his arms, resting them on his desk.

“Good
afternoon, Mr. Wait.” Titus and I said, in unison.

“You
each will have a packet of extra credit work to finish. You will have two weeks to finish these packets. You can turn them into me. Mr. Gustin and I will correct them and give you the credits you will need to finish the year. You are expected to be in all of your classes from now on and do your work. The packets will only make up what you’ve missed, to date. Now then, if there is anything you need, or if you need would like to speak with someone who is not a grief counselor, you can always come to me. I have already received permission from your parents and the School Board to talk to with either or both of you, whenever you’re ready.”

Titus and I looked at each other.
I’m sure my face mirrored. I knew he was a caring teacher, just like Mr. Gustin. Both of them took the three of us under their wing from the first day freshman year. I asked Mr. Waitabout it one time. He told me, “You’re a good student. You have a positive attitude, and a lot of school spirit. You represent Laton High, well. Any student that holds themselves to the standards you do, is worth my time and attention.” Mr. Wait just started teaching at Laton this year, and he and I clicked from the start. There are just some teachers that students have better relationships with than others. Oh, kids talked, but it was respectful and never once crossed any boundaries.

I guess he felt the same way about Titus and Candice
, too.

I shifted my eyes
back to Mr. Wait. He was still leaning on the edge of his desk, waiting for an answer. I glanced to his desk and noticed the packets. Multiple choice questions sat on top. “Are those the packets?” I asked, tipping my head toward them.

“Yes, are you ready for them now?” Wait stood up, grabbing his desk. “You have two weeks to finish these and turn them in.” He handed each of us a packet. “Remember
, you are welcome to come in any day before school, after school or during lunch to talk with me. You can come together or separately, just try to let me know in advance.”

I looked down at my packet, then at Titus, and finally
made eye contact with Mr. Wait. “Can I meet with you tomorrow?”

“Of course
. Titus, would you like to join us?” He had a slight smile on his lips and I remembered he had wanted to talk with me, even before Candice’s death.

“No
, thank you, sir, not this time. I think Reese needs to speak with you, alone.” He reached over and took my hand. “She’s been through a lot lately and needs to talk to someone, besides me.”

Wait smiled
, flashing dimples that would melt a woman’s heart. They’d already affected most of the girls in the sophomore class, including me.  We all wished we were old enough. “That will be fine. Will you please join us the next time?”

Titus nodded and Mr. Wait and I agreed we would meet before school. The rest of the day went by quickly. I only had to escape to the bathroom during two of my afternoon classes, unable to stop the tears and shut out the rumors.

“He kicked the shit out of her.” A brunette girl said during chemistry class.

“No, she overdosed on drugs and fell off
Black Bridge,” Jonathan Springer, a junior football player said.

None of these kids knew the truth. They all heard pieces of the story and no one told
them the truth about what Alex did. I needed to talk to Mr. Wait and Candice’s parents before I did anything, but something needed to be done.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Titus

Because of everything that had happened this year, I took baseball season off. I usually played all three sports, but I wasn’t ready to invest all my time at the gym and the diamond, right now. I had a spot on the varsity team, but I was willing to lose it for Reese. She would need me the rest of the school year.
Hell let’s be honest!
I need her
.

I felt better, more in control
, when she was near me. She made me feel grounded. Since the day she was raped, and then when Candice died, my whole sense of self had shifted. I was no longer who I use to be. All I cared about prior to those events was getting together with Reese and making football captain, next year. Now, everything changed. I still wanted those other things, but I knew there were more important things in life.

Needing to make sure my mom and Reese
pulled through the rest of this school year, was number one. I say my mom because on the day of the funeral and several times since then, I’d come home to find her in a dark corner, crying and shaking.

The evening of the memorial service,
after spending hours holding Reese and remembering Candice, I came home and Mom was in her chair, rocking back and forth.

Yesterday, when
I walked in, she bolted upright, scrubbing the tears away and smoothing down her hair, at the same time. She was a mess. I never thought I would be the one who needed to come home and check on her. The loss of C was going to be hard on everyone, but I didn’t think Mom would take it this hard.

“
Mom, everything okay?” I pushed the front door closed, locking it.

She jumped up.
“Yeah.”
She sniffed.
“Yes. Just thinking about you kids growing up.” She walked toward me, grabbing me in a hug. “You three were always so inseparable; until this year, when the girls got boyfriends.”

“Yeah
, we were. I think that’s what makes this so hard. If we wouldn’t have been spending time apart or if they didn’t hook-up with losers like Alex and Josh”—

“Titus
Allyn, you cannot ‘what if’ this situation. You will drive yourself crazy.” Mom released her hold on my shoulders, but took my hand, pulling me on to the couch with her. “We have to accept what happened.”  I started to say something, but she held up her other hand, stopping me. “We have to accept it, but we don’t have to forget it or even be okay with it. Yet.” She let go of me completely and something shifted in the air as she pulled the rubber-band off her wrist, twisting her raven locks up in what looked like a knot on top of her head. A sad smile graced her face as she turned toward me. “We move forward, Son, one day at a time. Life is full of unexpected sorrows and happiness. We accept them for what they are and move on. But we never forget. Never.”

We sat in silence
, both lost in our own thoughts. I wondered if she was thinking and speaking about Candice. I had feeling those words were more about my father. I didn’t know why.

“Mom, is there something else going on? You seem to be talking about something else.”

“Don’t worry
, honey. It’s been a long and emotional few weeks. I am fine.”

I saw something flash in her eyes
, but I wasn’t sure what it was. Looking at her, I saw myself—only in a feminine version. I wondered what, if anything, I got from the sperm donor she called my dad. It didn’t really matter. I would never see him, again. But still I wondered. I always had.

“Okay.” I kept assessing her.

“Is there something you need to talk about, Son?” Her eyebrows scrunched with concern.

I
was chewing on my thumb. They were both so raw and sore it didn’t matter which one I gnawed on. They both hurt, but I couldn’t stop myself. My other hand fidgeted with the hem of my shirt. “Yeah, I don’t know”—

“Take your hand out of your mouth
, so I can understand you.”

I dropped my hand
, wiping the moisture on my jeans. “I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. In my mind, I think I should be sad, heartbroken all the time. But, a few times today, with Reese, I felt happy and then I would feel guilty for feeling happy. I’m just so confused. I don’t think it’s okay to feel normal, yet. Right? Shouldn’t I still be sad? Isn’t it disrespecting Candice for me to be happy or at least slightly normal?”

Moisture coated her eyes as she gripped my hands.
Her tiny ones barely covering mine. “Ty, honey, you will feel a lot of things in these coming months. To be honest, over the next few years your emotions will be all over the place. It is okay to feel normal and happy. Candice, and her parents, would want you to feel both. Just because you feel like you’re living your life and forgetting her by being happy, doesn’t mean that you are.” She placed one tiny hand over my heart. “In here, you will always remember her. You will always grieve for your friend. The time you lost with her. But, you have to go on living. You have to find happiness.”

Mom paused
, letting it sink in before she started speaking, again. “When your dad left us, it was as if my whole world came crashing down. It was as if he died. I was heartbroken, grief stricken. For weeks, I didn’t eat; I didn’t take care of myself much less take care of you.” The moisture in her eyes was now cresting and rolling down her cheeks. “Your grandmother stepped in. She lived with us, taking care of you and me. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to provide for you, that I wouldn’t be enough. The thoughts that plagued me sent me spiraling down into a black hole that I couldn’t get out of. I would feel relief that he was no longer hurting us, emotionally, but then the sadness that I failed you would come out. I never felt normal or happy.

“One day I decided enough was enough. Well
, actually my mother decided it was enough. She came in to my dark room and berated me for leaving you, just as your father had. I hadn’t seen it that way, at the time; but as soon as I did, the anger came. Being angry wasn’t really any better than being sad, but it gave me a reason to live, again. I searched for your father, wanting him to pay for what he did to us. For months, I searched for him, wasting all that time I could and should have been spending with you. And, I found him.” She paused and I took the chance to speak.

“I didn’t know you looked for him. Or
that you found him.”

“I didn’t tell anyone. I never had told anyone, until now. He moved to New York. He had a new family and that was when I chose you and happiness and
, inadvertently, living. Would I change any of it? I don’t think I would. No, I know I wouldn’t. I regret putting you through all of it. But I am grateful for the life we live now; and I don’t know that we would be here, where we are, without all of the turmoil we went through. I am sorry I never brought him back for you. I am sorry you don’t know him. I hope I was enough.”

I wrapped my arms around her little frame, squeezing her. “I’m not sorry
, Mom. You were enough. I don’t remember Grandma living with us. I don’t remember you hurting so much.”

She laughed
. “You were so small, Titus. I prayed you wouldn’t remember. I am thankful you don’t. My point is you have to keep living. All the emotions you feel, all the confusion that consumes you, is normal. You will be fine.”

I let go of her and
sat back. “Thanks, Mom.”

She nodded her head and patted my knee. “I know it’s late
, but are you hungry?”

“Nah, just really tired. Reese and I are going back to school
, tomorrow.” I told her, standing up and leaning over to kiss her on the cheek. “Night, Mom.”

“Night
, honey.”

I lay in my bed with music playing. My dad was in New York. I didn’t know how I felt about that. He had another family. I didn’t know how to feel about that
, either. I hoped he had stopped drinking and was a better father for this new family. Finally, I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.