Falling for Jillian (24 page)

“Well, I can see that—” Lo begins but I interrupt her as anger shoots through me.

“But regardless, the things he said . . .” I shake my head, knowing in my heart I can’t forgive him. “He was out of line. I can’t be with someone who would speak to me like that. The way he looked at me . . .” I shake my head again. “No.”

“What aren’t you telling me?” Ty asks quietly.

“It doesn’t matter. Don’t go to him, please, unless you’re going as a friend. I don’t want you to beat him up or try to make it right. Leave it be, Ty. I can do this alone.”

“Fuck that . . .”

“I mean it.” I grip his hand in mine and hold his gaze. “For me.”

“Zack will come around in a few days and he’ll make it up to you, Jill.” Lo’s voice is strong and sure, but I just shake my head.

It’s too late.

“Maybe Jill can come over today and we can go snowmobiling again,” Seth says with a smile. He was supposed to stay the whole night with Josiah, but there was a family emergency and I had to go pick him up at three in the morning.

Not that I was asleep anyway.

“Jill’s not coming over today,” I say gruffly, not meeting his eyes. How the fuck do I tell my kid that the woman we both fell in love with isn’t coming back?

“Oh. Well, maybe she can come over tonight and we can make her dinner and watch a movie.”

“Jill isn’t going to be coming over anymore, Seth.” My voice is hard and angry as the truth of the words hits me full force.

Seth’s head snaps up and he’s looking at me like I’m crazy.

“Jill and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.”

“What did you do?” he whispers.

“It’s not that simple,” I begin, but Seth’s cheeks redden and he slams his spoon back into his cereal bowl, splashing milk on the table.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?” he yells. “Jill wouldn’t leave us unless you did something to fuck it up!”

“Watch your mouth!” I yell back.

“No!” Tears form in his eyes, but he firms his chin, refusing to let me see how devastated he is, and I feel the same devastation all over again. I lay in bed all night, struggling with the knowledge that the woman I love deceived me.

“Seth.” I take a deep breath and try to stay calm. “Sometimes things just don’t work out.”

There’s no way in hell I’m going to tell him about the baby yet. He’ll find out soon enough.

One step at a time.

“She loves us,” he insists and wipes angrily at a tear that’s escaped his eye. “She’s the only one who’s
ever
loved us! And you made her go away!”

“Seth . . .”

“No.” He shakes his head and stands up from the table, glaring at me. “You need to fix this.”

“There is no fixing it,” I reply with frustration. “It is what it is, Seth. I’m sorry you’re disappointed . . .”

“You better fix it!” He advances and pushes me, square in the chest, knocking me back a step.
“Whatever you did wrong, just say you’re sorry. Jill will forgive you.”

But I don’t know if I can forgive Jill.

“I love her, Dad.” He fists his hands at his sides. “She belongs here, with us. Why did you have to screw it up? Why do you have to make everything so damn
hard
?”

Before I can say anything else, he runs from the room, Thor running after him. He grabs his boots and coat and runs out back toward the barn.

Fuck.

Going after him won’t do any good.

My head is pounding, and fuck me, my heart hurts. How could she play me like that? How the fuck did I fall for it
again
?

Yesterday, when Jill said she was pregnant, I heard Kensie’s voice, saw her face, saying the same thing thirteen years ago, and watching my world fall apart around me. Kensie had smirked, pleased with herself for cornering me exactly where she wanted me. She’d told me she was on the pill, and I was a stupid eighteen-year-old kid who believed her.

Because I was thinking with my dick.

And if I’m honest, I was thinking with my dick with Jill too. Jesus, she’s fucking beautiful. But she’s more than that.

Would she have done this deliberately? Did she deserve all the shit I flung at her yesterday while it felt like I’d been sliced open and my guts poured all over the floor?

Probably not.

I glance around the kitchen and flinch.

I wanted to remodel the rest of this house
with her
. Give her anything she wanted. Make a life with her.

But on my own terms and in my own fucking time.

I punch the wall and curse a blue streak before grabbing my own coat and heading out to the barn.

“Gonna talk about it?” Dad asks as he shovels fresh hay into the stall next to mine.

“About what?” I ask curtly.

“About why you and Seth are both moping around here today and acting like bears with burrs stuck up their asses,” he replies and leans on the shovel, watching me closely.

“Nothin’ to say.”

“Bullshit.” He narrows his eyes and shakes his head. “Must be about Jilly.”

I shrug one shoulder with a jerk and keep my eyes trained on the hay on the floor.

“You fuck up?” he asks point-blank.

“No, she did.”

I look up to find his eyebrows raised in surprise.

“She’s pregnant.”

“That’s great,” he replies soberly.

“No,” I say calmly. “It isn’t.” I keep my eyes on my
dad, suddenly feeling confused and unsure about
everything.
“Is it?”

“Well, why wouldn’t it be?”

“She told me
couldn’t
get pregnant. I believed her. Just like I believed Kensie.”

“Stop that bullshit right now. You’re not a boy this time around, and Jill is
not
Kensie, son.” He tosses the shovel aside and walks over to me, claps me on the shoulder. “A baby is always a blessing. Your mother and I waited twelve long years after we married to be blessed with you boys. Six miscarriages.”

The door to the barn suddenly swings open violently and Ty, looking pissed as fuck, comes running straight for me.

“You son of a bitch.” Suddenly, I’m pinned against the barn wall, and a fist makes contact with my left cheek, sending my head reeling back.

“What the fuck?”

“You fucking asshole,” Ty growls. “I told you what I’d do if you hurt her.”

I glance over at Dad, but he just has his arms crossed over his chest, watching us with interest.

“Look,” I begin, but Ty takes another shot at my jaw this time, sending stars swirling over my head. “Let go of me.”

“No,” he snarls. “You weren’t the one holding my sister all night while she cried, you piece of shit.”

My eyes snap up to his and I swear under my
breath. “No, I was up all night dealing with the fact that the woman I fucking love lied to me!”

“She didn’t fucking lie to you!”

He backs away, releasing my coat, and I rub my aching jaw. I can feel my left eye beginning to swell.

“Jesus, is pounding your fists on someone the only way you know to deal with shit?” I ask cruelly. “I can’t imagine that goes over well in a courtroom.”

“Fuck you,” he spits. “You know”—he shakes his head and paces away, then turns around and glares at me—“I thought you’d come to your senses and at least call her, try to work things out, but when I finally dropped her off at her place this afternoon and you still hadn’t tried to contact her, I decided you needed a come-to-Jesus talk. So here it is.”

“I don’t need your shit—” I begin but my dad shakes his head and points to the metal chair in the corner.

“Have a seat, son.”

“I’ll stand.”

“Well, get comfortable, ’cause I’m about to tell you one hell of a story,” Ty warns. “Did you know that Jill tried to get pregnant for five years?”

“She said she’s infertile.”

“Shut your mouth and
listen
, asshole. Jesus, you’d test the patience of a saint, and that’s one thing I certainly am not.”

Dad smirks but keeps quiet as he watches Ty pace.

“She went through hell. Meds. Surgeries.
Procedures. And that’s just the physical shit, man. Five years of shooting herself in the ass every day. And her asshole of an ex-husband was just . . .
worthless.
”

He shakes his head in disgust and spits on the floor. “Long story short, it never worked. She didn’t even miscarry, she just never got pregnant.” He shrugs as if it’s a mystery, and I just watch him quietly. I already know this part.

“And then one day she came home from work to find her husband fucking his secretary in their bed.”

My jaw drops. Dad swears under his breath and paces away.

“What?”

“Oh, she didn’t tell you that part, did she? She didn’t tell anyone for a long time. It embarrassed her.” He scrubs his hands through his hair. “Fucking
embarrassed her.
That’s why she tossed him out on his ass. Not for ignoring her for the better part of their marriage, or the shitty things he’d say to her, or the way he’d belittle her in front of her coworkers. Things she should have left him for before the ink was dry on their marriage license. No, it took getting caught in bed with another woman for her to kick his ass to the curb. Then,” he continues, on a roll, and all I can do is watch him, struck dumb, “the day before the Fourth of July, she finds out that the new wife—oh yeah, did I mention he married her two days after their divorce was final?—is pregnant.”

I can’t speak. I am consumed with so much anger and shame, I don’t know what to do with myself.

“So she came home because she needed us. All of us. She moved on from that shitty time in her life. She’d dealt with the fact that she couldn’t have kids, and she fell in love with you and
your
kid, and she was happier than I have ever seen her.

“Until Lo and I went to her house and found her in a tiny ball on the living room floor.”

“What?” I roar. “Is she okay? What the fuck? Why didn’t you call me?”

“She told me not to!” he yells back. “She was a mess
because of you
!”

“Ty, she told me she couldn’t get pregnant.”

“She didn’t think she could!”

I lean against the barn wall and stare at the man I consider a brother, then glance over at my dad, spotting Josh leaning against the barn door as well. I have no idea how long he’s been listening.

“Sounds like you have some apologizing to do,” Josh mutters.

I hang my head with a long sigh, suddenly more exhausted than I’ve been in my life.

“It was like déjà vu,” I mutter. “While Jill was telling me about her appointment at the doctor, I just saw Kensie in my head, thirteen years ago, and I reacted like a complete prick. I felt like she’d betrayed me, and I was being trapped all over again.”

“That’s not Jill,” Ty replies. “She’ll raise that baby by herself if she needs to. She wouldn’t accept a proposal from you right now if you crawled across hot coals with the Hope Diamond.”

“I fucked up.”

“That’s an understatement,” Dad says and watches me with sober eyes. “You know, son, when you came home last summer, I worried about you. How you’d deal with Seth. How being at war for so long would affect you.” He shakes his head and offers me a smile. “But you’re the best father I’ve seen. I couldn’t be prouder of the man you are, especially when you’re with your boy. The effects of war seem to be lessening with time, although I know you’ll always grieve for the boys you lost over there. But it seems to me, you have more PTSD from Kensie than you do from anything else.”

“I . . .”
God, what have I done?

“You were a boy then, like I said before. You’re not now. Jill isn’t Kensie. And she’s been nothing but wonderful to both you and Seth. So, what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to grovel.” I walk past Ty and pause, looking him in the eye. “I’m going to make it right.”

“See that you do.”

I ring her doorbell for the third time and finally just bang on the door with my fist.

“Jill, I know you’re in there!”

I listen for any sign of movement inside and when there still isn’t any, I find her spare key under the ugly gnome on the porch and unlock the door.

“Jill?”

Nothing.

Her car is in the driveway. The lights in the living room and kitchen are off, but I can hear voices from her bedroom.