False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (10 page)

 My
mom and I weren’t enemies, but we were far from friends. I didn’t bother to
tell her I’d broken up with Will or acquired a new boyfriend.  I got home late
that night, almost two hours after my curfew, not considering that my mother
might be home to check. After the talent show, Cade and I took my truck to the
lake to spend time together. We’d talked for a long time and then made out for
a while. When things got a little too heated, we both stopped and went back to
talking.  I nearly fell over when he admitted he was a virgin too.

“How
can that even be possible?” I asked, not sure if he was teasing me.

“What
do you mean by that?”

“Seriously,
Cade, don’t tease me. There is not a chance a guy who is as totally hot as you
would not have gone all the way yet.”

He
laughed at me. “I could say the same about you.”

“Whatever,”
I said. “I am not hot, and nobody but Will ever asked me out.”

“That’s
only because you were with Will. Other guys talk about you all the time. They definitely
find you hot, although a little intimidating. Intelligent girls scare us.” He smiled
at me. “I am not bullshitting you. Yes, I’ve dated other girls, but I wasn’t
into the slutty ones. I’ve always been attracted to girls like you. My appearance
never really worked in my favor, despite what you think.” He chuckled. “Now, don’t
get me wrong, I tried. Regardless of what Jimmy and his pals say, I’m not gay,
but smart girls generally don’t give it up too easy. I’m not the kind of guy
who would use a girl for that, anyway, so it was fine by me. When it’s the
right time, it will happen.”

“I
just let you go farther than I ever let Will. Do you think I am slutty?” It was
a concern. Letting him touch me under my bra and inside my jeans might change
his opinion of me. I sat up straighter and buttoned my sweater.

He
laughed at me again. “Are you kidding me right now? You and I have a crazy
chemistry—I know you feel it too.”  I nodded my head in agreement. I’d never been
so attracted to anyone before him. Cade went on talking. “The second I handed
you that book in Munson’s class, there was a connection with us that is …” he
paused and looked away, as if embarrassed. “It sounds so cheesy to voice it out
loud, but it’s potent. I can’t say its love, because I’m only seventeen, but you
are always on my mind.  I want to be with you every second, and I’ve never felt
this way about any other girl. There aren’t words to even explain it. In fact,
it freaks me out how much I need you.”

He
didn’t have to say the words, I totally understood.  “We are in exactly the
same boat.” I kissed him and ignited another make out session. “Can I ask you a
question?” I asked while he worked on my neck. He murmured his assent. “How far
you have gone with a girl?”

He
raised his head and looked me in the eye. “It doesn’t matter, does it? When, or
if, we ever go all the way, it will be my first time too.”

“I’m
not saying it matters, I am just curious is all. You seem to know exactly what
you doing, and all of this making out stuff is new to me. I’ve told you
everything about my experience with Will. Why won’t you share with me?”

He
sighed and sat up, adjusting his denim to relive the pressure. “It’s personal.
If you and I ever broke up, I wouldn’t tell anyone what we did. I’m just not
that kind of guy. It seems disrespectful or something.” He sounded irritated, and
it hurt my feelings a little. I wasn’t asking for names, and if I did, it
wasn’t like I would recognize any of them. I remained quiet and gazed out over
the lake, thinking maybe I shouldn’t have told him so much about myself.

He
pulled me into his arms. “Fine, I will tell you. I’ve …” He stopped a moment and
rubbed his jaw, as if deciding how to word his revelation.  “I’ve gone down on
girls, as well as had girls go down on me. That’s it. Happy now?”

“Did
you like it?” I asked, curious and intrigued.

He
laughed again. “I’m not sure which you are referring to, but, yes, I liked it …
both things. God, Ellia, can we NOT talk about this anymore?” He squirmed in
his seat, seeming uncomfortable.

“Do
you want me to do that to you? Do you want to do that to me?” I didn’t know why
I was even asking; the idea terrified me.

“Only
if it’s something you choose. I don’t expect you to do anything to me or let me
do anything to you. Your ex believes I am just out to score with you, Ellia,
but it’s not true.” He looked me in the eye and put his hand on the side of my
face. “I want to be with you, but it doesn’t have to be like that. We don’t
have to do sexual stuff if you’re not ready.”

I
kissed him again. “I’m not ready, not yet. Thank you for understanding.”

My
mom was waiting in the living room when I got home, glass of wine in hand, and
looking angrier than I’d seen her since Sam got suspended for fighting the year
prior. She wore her hair, the same color as mine, pulled back in a severe bun which
made her look more imposing. “Get in here right now, Ellia,” she said, before I
could even get out of my coat.  This was first my violation--I had never blown
off curfew, even though she wasn’t usually around to check.
Just my luck.
By the tone of her voice, I was in trouble.

“Sorry
I’m late, mom—time got away from me. I already got all my homework done, though,
and it’s only Saturday.” I hoped to diffuse the fight that was coming.

“Why
did I have to learn about your break up with Will from your brother, and why
didn’t you tell me about this new boy? Sam told me all about this kid, and, I
must say, I am not happy. I cannot understand why you would dump a boy that has
goals and is on his way to college for some thug, full of tattoos and piercings.
He wants to play music for a living, for god sakes. I thought you were smarter
than that, Ellia.” My mother bounced her crossed leg furiously to an unheard
beat.

“Mom,
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but you are so busy it’s hard to find time to talk
to you. Frankly, I didn’t think you’d care all that much about my trivial high
school relationships.” My mostly absent mother didn’t need to know how deeply I
was into Cade. It was none of her business. “You are forever telling me to grow
up, so I figured this wasn’t something that was important.  I don’t get why Sam
would talk crap about Cade. He seems to like him. Cade has always been super
nice to him. I wish people would stop judging him because he has tattoos and
earrings. Those things do not define him. And just so you know, he is taking
the same classes as I am. His grade point average is even higher than mine. He
is very smart and talented. If you heard him sing, Mom, you wouldn’t dismiss
his career choice as stupid.”

“Are
you having sex with him, Ellia?” she asked bluntly, catching me off guard. It
was a question she had not once asked me while I was with Will. It was a subject
we didn’t talk about--ever. For the most part, my mother left sex education up
to the public schools.

“Why
would you ask me that, Mother? I dated Will for three years, and you never
concerned yourself with my sex life before. What if I had been screwing him?
Would that have mattered to you?” I was outraged.

She
exhaled forcefully, preparing her answer. “I didn’t suspect you of doing that
with Will. You didn’t disrespect curfew, and, frankly, you didn’t seem that interested
in him. Most of all, you would have never demonstrated such a display of intimacy
in front of your entire school with Will. Sam told me all about the kiss
tonight, Ellia. I am not happy, and I want an answer.”

My
eyes rolled, and I crossed my arms, taking a defensive stance. “A kiss does not
equal sex, Mother. The answer is no, I am not sleeping with Cade, but when I
do, it still won’t be any of your damn business. I have always been responsible
so stop worrying about me. Besides, I am almost eighteen, a little too old for
your permission.”

“I
don’t care if you are ten or twenty-five, Ellia, as long as you live in my
house you will live by my rules.  You will be in this house by curfew, and you
will not be sexually active. If I find out differently, you will be grounded to
this house until the day you move out. I have worked my butt off to provide a
good life for you and Sam, to make sure you got into good colleges; to make sure
you have promising futures. I will not allow you to make the same mistakes that
I did and fall for a boy who will only rip out your heart in the end. I wound
up pregnant and married very young, and look how well that turned out for me.
Your father ...Well, you know what your father is, and you know what he did to
me. I want a better life for you than what I got.  I won’t let some loser steal
that from you. Do you understand?” she asked with real tears in her eyes.

“I
do understand, Mom, but he is not a loser. He is nothing like dad. I will obey
your rules, but please don’t talk about him that way. Please don’t judge him
based on what others say. Just because he looks different from all the uptight
people around here, doesn’t make him a derelict. Are you even interested in
meeting him?”

“Yes,
I insist on meeting him. You might think I don’t care about your ‘trivial
relationships,’ Ellia, but I love you. Everything in your life does matter to
me. I am sorry if you feel I have been disinterested. You have always been such
a good girl, I never felt like I had to involve myself too heavily in your
affairs because I thoroughly trusted your judgment. In light of this new boy,
though, I don’t know what I think; so yes, I would like to meet him.”

“Okay.
How about tomorrow night?” I asked, knowing Cade would clear anything off his schedule
for me if I asked.

“Fine,
dinner at six, and I will have Randy over too; he is a good judge of character,”
she said, and I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes again.

Randy
had been dating my mother for almost five years and was still unable to commit
to even living together, let alone marriage. Neither Sam nor I liked him, but
he didn’t come around much so we tolerated his occasional appearances. Randy
had never been married and had no children of his own. I thought it obvious he
didn’t like kids, not even mostly grown ones. My mother seemed to think he was
quite the catch, though.  Randy had a good, stable job as a pharmacist, something
that was imperative to my mother. She’d been married to a cop and didn’t want
that disturbing, uncertain lifestyle ever again. My father had been dashing,
and I still liked to stare at his photo sometimes, especially the pictures of
him in uniform. He looked important and terribly handsome. He seemed to be
aging well, too, though I rarely saw him anymore. Randy was a troll by
comparison. His balding head, middle aged pooch, and monotone bow ties, didn’t
seem to put off my mom in the least.  After my dad’s many affairs, it probably
seemed safer for her to be with a man that didn’t turn any heads. My mother,
who was an attractive woman herself, may have been a lot of things, but she
wasn’t shallow. She found something wonderful in Randy, even if I couldn’t see
it.

We
ended the discussion, and I went upstairs, still having a score to settle with
my rat-fink brother. At Sam’s door, I paused only a moment before I let myself
in without knocking. He was listing to his headphones which sat snugly over his
curly brown hair, and he was looking at a Playboy with his right hand under the
covers. It was obvious what was happening, but I didn’t let it deter me.

 “What
the fuck, Ellia,” he yelled, tossing the magazine under his bed. “Knock much?” Sam
was a sophomore, and the two of us had always been very different people, not
finding much common ground. He was the kid our mother should be worried about,
yet she coddled him and completely lived a double standard when it came to the rules
for him.  Sam drank at parties and even got high once in a while, but I always
respected his privacy. We had an unspoken rule, and he crossed it when he went
to mom about Cade.

“Why
did you do it, Sam? I have so much dirt on you; why would you run to mom and say
a bunch of negative shit regarding Cade? Maybe I should go down right now and
tell her about your Playboy and the weed in your gym sneakers. What do you have
to say about that?” I asked, so angry I was almost yelling.

“Shh
… Shut up, Ellia, and close the door,” he said, sitting up in the bed. I walked
into his room, the floor covered in his jungle of dirty clothes and soiled
dishes, the remnants of undefinable food still clinging to the china like life
support. The space smelled of unwashed socks and something else I couldn’t
quite place. None the less, I shut the door behind me. “Listen,” he continued,
“I didn’t mean to get you in trouble, okay? It’s just that I see you getting in
deep with this guy. You barely even talk to your friends anymore. Believe it or
not, I want you go somewhere in life, and there’s a good chance I guy like that
would hold you back.”

“Why
don’t you like Cade? He’s always been so nice to you. In fact, you asked him to
teach you to play guitar, and he said he would. Why are you being such an
asshole?”

“It’s
not that I don’t like him, he is cool, but you nearly got yourself a Saturday
detention by kissing him. It looked like you were about to fuck him right there
in front of the whole school. Will was so pissed he could barely talk
afterward. It was mean, Ellia. The more I thought about it, and the more everyone
talked about it, I got worried about you. Stuff like this is not you at all. In
fact, seeing you with that guy in the first place, is totally out of character
for you. You’ve always been my stuck-up, nerdy sister destined for
Valedictorian status and an academic scholarship. Your entire relationship with
this guy is weird. Plus, Will is my friend, and that was really shitty of you,
so I guess you really pissed me off, too,” he said.