False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (18 page)

“I
am going to school,” he said, “but thank you.”

“Well,
I will drop you off at school then. Ellia, I trust you will be close behind
us?” she asked.

“Why
can’t he just ride with me? That seems like a stupid waste of gas for you. How
did you get here in the first place?” I asked Cade.

“My
aunt dropped me off on her way to work. And I will take you up on that lift,
Mrs. Meyers.” He got to his feet and grabbed his crutches, shooting me a,
don’t
argue,
look. “See you at school.”

Still
pissed off, I watched them leave and poured a cup of coffee for myself, though I’d
lost my appetite. I could not believe Cade had gone behind my back to talk to
my mother. Furthermore, I couldn’t fathom why he would agree to such awful and
restrictive terms.  It bothered me and made my insecurities flare up again.
Maybe
he wants an excuse to spend less time with me. Maybe sex with me was so boring he
wants to avoid it.
 The idea made me sad and furious all at once. I got in
my truck and headed to school, Cade’s guitars still sitting in the passenger
seat. I wondered if my mom realized that my shopping trip to Detroit had been a
ruse to be alone with Cade. It didn’t matter anymore, I supposed.

When
I arrived at school, Cade was standing on his crutches just inside the door
talking to two girls. When they saw me approaching, they waved goodbye and went
on their way. He smiled at me, but I didn’t return the gesture.

“Go
ahead,” he said, removing his smile. “Yell at me.”

“Why
would you agree to her stupid fucking rules? I will never get to be with you
now. She is either at work or at Randy’s almost every night of the week.”

“Did
we have any other choice, Ellia? She is your mom, and we need to respect her
wishes. It’s not forever, babe. We have the rest out lives to be together.
Graduation is less than six months, and then we can do whatever we choose. I
don’t want to be the cause of a rift between you and your mother, ever.”

“Why
doesn’t this bother you at all, huh?  This arrangement obviously gives you more
freedom. Is that what you wanted?” Anger and terror that he was backing away
from our relationship had me on the edge. “Your groupies were already fawning
all over you. Did you tell them you’d basically be a free man now?”

Cade
sighed and shook his head. “What do I need to do make you believe that I love
you, Ellia? I only agreed to your mother’s terms so I COULD see you outside of
school.  You do understand she wasn’t going to let me come near you at all,
right?  Do you want to sneak around and lie all the time? Did you want to risk
getting sent to Detroit to live with your dad? If we are going to prove that we
are responsible enough to be in a relationship, then pouting, throwing a
tantrum, and slinking around behind her back is not a great way to convince her,
is it?”.

He
was right as usual. It made me crazy the way he could remain logical and
unaffected by emotions. I was all over the board on any given day, and Cade was
always in control of himself. “I guess you have a point, but I am still
pissed.” I put my hand on his arm, fighting the tears I could never hide when I
was upset. “Promise me you won’t give up on us because of this. This is a step
backward, but like you said, it’s only six months to graduation. Will you wait
for me?”

“Of
course I will wait for you. I’m fine with this, but that’s not the same thing
as liking it, so don’t misunderstand me. It is better than the alternative. I
begged your mom to stay in your life, even if it’s on her terms. Our
relationship was never about sex, anyway, at least not for me.”

He
sucked in his breath as I threw my arms around him and squeezed. I kept
forgetting his bumps and bruises. “Sorry,” I said, releasing him. “Should you
even be at school? You are still in pain.”

“Only
when you cuddle my innards out.” He laughed. “Seriously, I’ll be all right. I
don’t want to miss my AP classes. I’ll take ibuprofen if it gets too bad. My
leg doesn’t really hurt; it’s my neck and ribs that are the sorest. I’ll be
fine, though. Being at school and doing something is better than lying around
in bed.” The bell rang as he finished his sentence. We walked to class together,
and I carried his books.

I
fell back to sleep in my strange new living quarters, and the dream stayed away.
I woke the next morning with the weight of depression still sitting on my body.
The thought of getting out of bed seemed arduous, and I didn’t want to eat or function
at all.  Time passed as I stared out the window at the tops of the leafless
trees. The sky was gray, as if reflecting my insides. Tears soaked my pillow,
and the only relief was slumber.

 Another
full day went by while I lay comatose in the queen bed. I ignored Roberts and
Mendiola when they came in to check on me. None of their coaxing could get me
to talk, or to eat, or to prove I was alive beyond a pulse.

It
was after noon on the fourth day of my suicide mission before a knock resounded
on the door. As usual, I disregarded it. When the door opened without an
invitation, I didn’t bother turning my head to see who had come in to pester me.
I didn’t care, not about anything. The intruder set a tray down, and I got a
whiff of something delicious; but I had no appetite.  

“Agent
Mendiola told me you haven’t eaten, Ellia,” said Cade’s voice. “I don’t know
what you are trying to prove, but if we get into a situation where we have to
move quickly, your emaciated state will hinder us significantly. If you can’t
find the strength to eat for yourself, then eat so you are not risking the
lives of these agents. I warned you I would take you to a hospital, and I was
not joking. Now sit up and eat this food.”

“Fuck
you,” I said, still staring out the window. “I don’t give a damn about your agents,
or you, so just leave me alone.” He walked around to the side of bed so he
could face me. He sat down in a chair and stared at me.

“You
can hate me, and you can blame me if you want to do so, that’s fine. But you
need to snap out of this apathy. I am disappointed in how you are handling this
situation. I never realized you were so weak minded, I guess.  What you’ve been
through sucks, I get that, but it’s no excuse for this behavior.  The girl I
used to know would not be wallowing in self-pity and jeopardizing everyone
else’s safety.”

 I
rolled onto my back but still looked at him. “You have no idea how far down in
the depths of self-pity I can go Cade--not a fucking clue. You don’t know me at
all. Tell me, did you ever care about me at all?”

He
exhaled heavily, agitated as usual when I asked him this question. I wasn’t
even sure why I kept asking. None of it mattered anymore. “Yes, El, I did, and
I am tired of trying to convince you of that. I have already explained the
circumstances to you. What we had is in the past, and you need to get over it.
You moved on with your life and so did I, so stop wasting time thinking about
who we used to be. We are here now, in this moment, in this situation, and no
amount of memory recall is going to change what happened. I don’t mean to be
harsh, but it’s the truth. Move past the history, because that is all it is, and
concentrate on where you are present day. You must remain mentally and physically
strong enough to face what is happening here. Start by eating. Have you seen
yourself? Jesus, you are skeletal. This is your last chance. Eat the food I
brought you, or I am taking you to a hospital.”

All
of his words stung. Even if he had ever loved me, as he said, he left no
misunderstanding that it was long gone. All the residual feelings I had been carrying
so closely guarded to my heart for so many years were for nothing. It shouldn’t
hurt anymore, yet somehow it did.

I
sat up in the bed. “Fine, Agent Cantrell, I will eat. You can leave now, for
good this time. Maybe you should try to get placed on a new assignment
altogether. Just so we are clear, I don’t need you--not anymore--not ever
again.” I saw a flicker of something in his cold eyes, but it passed quickly. He
got up and put the tray on my lap. He looked at me momentarily, almost as if he
wanted to say something, but he walked out and left me alone, again.

***

The
next couple of months, living by my mother’s rules, were a test of will for me,
and I knew it wasn’t easy for Cade, either. We’d gone from seeing each other
every night, to once a week, if we were lucky. Although we were at school together,
it wasn’t the same. We were always in the company of my mother, out of school,
which made it impossible to have any sort intimacy. I missed cuddling with him,
and kissing him, and all the other things we’d been doing. It was like torture
to want something so desperately, yet have it just out of reach. I often found
myself moody and frustrated.

 
Cade spent the Christmas holiday with us and came over every day that my mom
was around during break from school. I got myself a waitressing job to fill in
the lonely evenings when I couldn’t see him. Plus, I hoped to save enough money
so that my mother’s threats would be empty and meaningless.

Cade
and I both received acceptance letters to the University of Michigan, and,
after a lot of discussion, we both returned our commitment forms.  He made the
decision to wait on his music career and attend college as he had originally
planned. We hoped to get an apartment in Ann Arbor while attending school. The
band and his music were back on hold.

Almost
ten weeks later, Cade had his cast removed. He attended physical therapy twice
a week to regain strength in the leg, and it was there he discovered he liked
working out and lifting weights. He spent a few extra days in the gym each week
and eventually got a job there.

We
were still living by my mom’s rules and had not slept together since the
weekend we’d stayed in Detroit.  Our lives had become busy, but with graduation
approaching, and our jobs, it had gotten easier. As spring crept in, my mother finally
lifted the ban on us spending unsupervised time with each other.

I
was nervous as I waited for Cade to pick me up the night of our first official
date since the lock-down began. We both knew where our evening would end, and I
was anxious, but excited. Our relationship had slipped into a friend zone,
thanks to my mom, and I worried we wouldn’t find that same passionate chemistry
we’d had before the ban.  

He
picked me up in the jeep he’d bought, wearing a suit, and I wore a black dress.
“You look amazing,” he said, when I greeted him at the door. He pulled me into
his arms and gave me the usual friendly hug my mother permitted, while she stood
on the stairs watching us with a rueful expression.

“Thanks,”
I said. “You look incredible too. In fact, we look way too good for this hick
town.” I laughed.

“Well,
if we were staying in this hick town, we wouldn’t have bothered. I wanted to
take you somewhere nice so we have a little drive, but it’ll be worth it.”

We
waved goodbye to my mother, who looked almost dejected, but I wasn’t sure how to
read it. I supposed letting go was difficult for her. With all the time I’d
spend in her presence, we had gotten much closer, and I was grateful for our
mended relationship.

Cade
and I held hands in his jeep as we drove onto the highway. “So where are we
going?”

“It’s
a surprise,” he said. We didn’t drive very far when he exited the freeway and
traveled down the back roads. He stopped at a bungalow on a lake. The driveway
was freshly plowed, and the snow sat in high piles along the edges with the
moon casting sparkles in it.

“What’s
this?” I asked puzzled. “Where are we?”

He
didn’t answer, just got out of the jeep and opened the door for me. “Come with
me.” He led me to the door, unlocked it, and we went inside the tiny house. I was
utterly dazzled. It was a small lake cottage, alit with countless candles. A
four poster bed sat in the middle of the room, overlooking a huge picture
window. Sheer white fabric and clear string lights draped the canopy creating a
perfect romantic nest for us. The cottage smelled of something delicious under
the aroma of burning wax.  Ivory colored linen covered the dining table and a
bottle of champagne sat chilled in an ice bucket. White china and tall champagne
flutes awaited us. The wall of windows in the front of the quaint house looked
out over a crystallized pond and the stars shone brightly on the clear winter
night. It was the dreamiest thing I’d ever seen.

“Oh
my God, Cade, this place is incredible. Who owns it?” I asked, spinning in
circles, completely astounded.

“My
boss does. He gave me use for the entire evening. I know your mom said you had
to be home by curfew, but that still leaves us about seven hours. Do you think
that’s enough time?” he asked, taking me in his arms and kissing me so passionately
my knees buckled. The dinner could wait, as we were both starving for something
unrelated to food. His new body, created at the gym, felt different, more
defined and rock solid, but other than that, nothing had changed for us, and
all of my doubts quickly dissipated.

We
rolled out of bed and ate during the last two hours before I had to be home.
The chilled champagne was non-alcoholic, but we enjoyed it like it was real.
After dessert, Cade got down on one knee in front of me. I had no idea what he
was doing.

“Ellia,”
he began, “I know we are only seventeen, but I love you more than life.  Right
now, we are too young to get married, but will you wear this ring as a promise
of our future together.” He opened a little black box and inside set a gold and
sapphire ring, the clear blue stone surrounded by tiny diamonds. My eyes filled
with tears.

“Yes,
I will promise myself to you, Cade Cantrell,” I said and slid down on the floor
to embrace him. He put the ring on my left hand and we made love one last time.

Cade
drove well past the speed limit, making it home with a minute to spare. He
walked me to the door and fixed my hair for me, not wanting the obvious thrown
in my mother’s face. He took me in his arms and kissed me. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I
love you, too,” I whispered back, and then went inside, giving him one last
wave before shutting the door.

***

The
last time I saw Cade, he told me to stop dwelling on the past, but time was all
I had on my hands. Thinking about that perfect night we’d shared, when he promised
me a future, was hard to bear. I hadn’t thought about it since he died, never
allowing the memories that scooped out my insides to enter my mind. But I
couldn’t stop the flood of those long buried retentions now. I still knew where
that little box with the sapphire ring sat, though I had not looked it since
the day I pried it off of my finger. I kept it in a fire safe in my closet, not
wanting to ever let go of it, but not able to look at it, either. The pain was
too great.

Nearly
three weeks passed after Cade left the apartment, for what I assumed was the
final time. I’d seen him once since then, standing on the sidewalk below my
room talking to someone, but then he’d gotten in a car and driven away. I’d been
eating a few meals a day, but not much at a time. The boredom didn’t help my
depression, and I was losing my will to live a little more each day, like a
shoreline being eroded by daily floods. They brought me books to read and video
games to play, but I refused everything, preferring to lay in bed and stare out
the window. I rebuffed interaction with the agents, knowing they didn’t like me
very much. A particular tension seemed evident with Agent Mendiola. Her snide
comments about my apathy, selfishness, and ungratefulness, fell on deaf ears
most days. Her opinion rarely riled me.

I’d
never been so alone and isolated in my entire life. The tears had long since
dried, and I stuffed the feelings away and replaced them with a numb void. Even
though I hiked through the past on a daily basis, the emotions that used to
attach themselves to the images, were hiding, and I preferred it that way.
I’ve
become as robotic as my captors,
I thought. The only emotions left, revealed
themselves in my hellish nightmares, which consumed me nearly every night of
the week.  I knew the agents had surpassed compassion and moved on to annoyance
with my nightly screaming and thrashing.

 They
took me outside a few times, to ease their own boredom and let me get fresh
air. No one followed us, and I began to believe the danger had passed. As the
end of November approached, I started to think about giving up the protected
custody. There was still no news of my mom or brother, and I had no reason to
go on in misery. Suicidal thoughts plagued me. The most difficult decision was
how to carry out the deed. The agents were always watching me. I would have to
leave them to achieve my goal, it became obvious.

Two
days before Thanksgiving, Roberts and Mendiola told me they would be relieved
of duty to spend time with their families over the holidays. The FBI assigned a
couple of local cops to look after me until they returned.  

The
next morning, I refused to acknowledge Roberts and Mendiola as they said goodbye
and wished me a happy Thanksgiving. I completely snubbed the new detail. As I
sat in my room alone, I decided it was time to go. With the agents gone, I
wasn’t putting anyone in danger. The local cops wouldn’t even try to stop me, I
was sure. They didn’t want to be there either.  If Dacks and his men killed me,
it would save me from doing it myself. No one was left to miss me or be hurt by
my absence.  

Later
that night, the two men had a pizza delivered by a fellow officer, but I
refused to eat, wound to tight about my plan to leave. The local boys fell
asleep, not taking the protection assignment too seriously, and I had to laugh
at how easy my desertion would be.