False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (23 page)

“Ellia,
please don’t leave me.” His voice caught in desperation. “I wanted to protect
you. I promise I won’t ever hide anything from you again. Please don’t leave me.”
He sounded so despairing, it broke my heart, so I walked over to him.

“I’m
not leaving you, Cade, but I need time to process everything. Please go play
with your band and meet me back at my dad’s when you’re done, okay?” I asked.
“I am sure you can fake composure for a few more hours, since you’re so damn
good at acting. You will be fine.”  I knew that last part was uncalled for, he
felt bad enough, but I was angry at him.

“If
that’s what you want me to do; I will go.” He looked wrecked, and it hurt my
heart.  “Please promise me you will be there when I get there.” He handed me
the keys to the jeep. “I will get a ride as soon as I can.”

“Okay,
I’ll be there,” I said, and walked away. I sensed his eyes on me until I
rounded the corner where I got in the jeep and cried until my insides ached.  My
head pounded with all the information
. If I didn’t remember being sexually
assaulted, was it any less real or any less horrible?
I didn’t know what to
feel about it other than disgust and rage at Lonnie for violating me.
Was it
acceptable for a boyfriend to maim someone in my honor?
What Cade had done
to Lonnie, rocked me to the core. He got lucky that Lonnie had not broken his
neck when he threw him out the window or pressed assault charges
. Do I want
to be with a guy who could do something like that?
The answer seemed
muddied because it made me wonder if I knew him as well as I thought I did.
How
could my gentle boy have that such uncontrolled fury in him?
The recording
contract was miniscule in light of the other revelations, but I had to consider
that too. He was right, I would want him to take it, even though the idea of him
being so far away made me physically ill. There was also the question of this Jenna
person. Was he protecting me from being hurt by the truth of his infidelity? I was
terrified that he was not who I believed him to be. It would kill me to find out
that everything between us wasn’t real. Jenna could aid his career more than I
ever could. I was a hindrance to him if anything. My imagination went in
endless directions.

The
black jeep roared to life, and I drove back to my father’s empty house.  I was
safe from rapist-high-school boys in my father’s home, so I headed straight for
the liquor cabinet, needing to dull the brutal pain of Cade’s honesty. Taking
down a fancy crystal glass from the top shelf, I filled it with ice. The green
liquid that smelled mildly palatable, spilled over the cubes, filling the goblet
halfway. I drank it fast, getting a brain freeze from the ice. The ice was a
bad idea; I dumped it out into my father’s clean stainless steel sink.  If I was
going to chug booze, it needed to be room temperature. I refilled the cup half
way and chugged that. It didn’t seem to work, so I inspected the bottle and realized
it was a mix. There was nothing alcoholic in it. I laughed hysterically at my
stupidity and failed attempt at getting drunk. I washed the glass and returned
it to the shelf. Drinking was a terrible notion. The thoughts of Lonnie’s made
me sick again, and I vomited right in my father’s pristine basin. I ran to the
bathroom where I showered until the hot water tank emptied, and so did my tears.
Logically, I understood it was ridiculous, I had showered many times since the
incident, but this one was symbolic of getting Lonnie off of me. I threw on a tank
top and pair of panties and laid in bed to wait for Cade. My eyes were raw and
swollen. I didn’t want to dwell on it anymore because no clarity came. I fell
asleep.

When
he sat down on the edge of the bed, I startled. I backed away from him,
frightened, not yet awake. “It’s me,” he whispered, reaching for me. I crawled
into his lap, and he held me for a long time as the tears returned.

“Babe,
I am so sorry.” He stroked my hair. “It was stupid of me not to tell you
everything right away. Please forgive me. I am begging you give me another
chance. I swear I will never hide the truth from you again, no matter how hard.”

“I
am so scared, Cade,” I said.

“What
are you scared of, El? Lonnie won’t hurt you again.”

“It’s
not Lonnie. I’m petrified that you’re not who I thought you were. What if all
these secrets are the tip of an enormous iceberg my heart will crash into, and
I will drown? Why wouldn’t you discuss California and at least explore options?
That’s what couples do, Cade. All of that pales compared to what you did to Lonnie.
You permanently injured someone and acted like nothing happened. I’m afraid I’m
being tricked, and it terrifies me more than anything else has.” My arms held
tight to him, despite my words of reproach.

“You
know me better than anyone has ever known me. I was stupid not to tell you
about L.A., and I hope I explained my reasons well enough. It wasn’t to hurt
you, and I am so sorry that it did. The other stuff was so damn awful. There
was no reason for you to have to carry that around with you. I am so ashamed of
what I did to him, and I’ve done a lot of soul searching since then. That’s not
the man I want to be. I love my dad, but I never want to be violent like him.  I
am begging you to forgive me.” He cried. “I can’t lose you.” He coiled my hair
in his hand.

“Don’t
lie or omit information again. We have to have an open, honest relationship,
Cade, or I can’t be with you. This stuff hurts so much worse after the fact. Having
to hear things from other people makes me seem insignificant in your life.  And,
you have to promise me you won’t risk your own future in the name of protecting
me. We should have gone to the police. What you did was wrong whether he
deserved it or not.”

“I
hate that you think less of me as a person. I’ve only ever wanted to make you
proud of me, not disgusted or fearful. The blind rage I felt that night, even
scared me, and I will never lose control like that again, I promise.”

My
head on his shoulder. “I love you, and I believe you.”

“God,
Ellia, I love you so much. I would do anything for you.”

I
woke the next morning with Cade’s arms still encircling me, and I reminisced the
night’s events.  We needed to discuss his recording contract again. Even if he
went without me, I could transfer out there by second semester. He may never
get the opportunity again; it would be a mistake to waste it. I didn’t want him
to become bitter and resentful because he gave it all up to stay in Michigan
with me. We had to talk about it. He stirred. It had to be close to lunch time,
and I was starving. I rolled over and looked at him. He said nothing, just
stared at me, his expression unreadable. He reached out and touched my face,
looking incredibly sad.  “What’s wrong?” I asked, hoping he had no more earth
shattering revelations for me.

“I
had a dream you left me, and I guess I’m making sure you are really here. Are we
okay?”

“I’m
here, and we’re fine.” I leaned over and kissed him. “Don’t you know, I will always
be here?”

***

I
dozed off in the car, and when I awoke, Cade was parking at a barbeque joint
somewhere in the Smokey Mountains. “Hey,” he said, “are you hungry?” I nodded.
“Good, this place looks tasty. You always liked barbeque.” I smiled, surprised
that he remembered. We went inside the little log restaurant and had a seat. We
gave a plump, blonde waitress our order.

 “Ah
… that’s good beer.” He sipped a gourmet ale from a local brewery.

I
took a couple of sips of mine, still being careful about drinking. The
addiction I’d developed my freshman year of college terrified me. “It is tasty,”
I replied, staring down into the bottle.

Small
talk seemed to end there until he asked. “What’s the matter? Do you regret last
night?”

I
smiled at him. “No, last night was incredible.” The thought of it made me
squirm, wanting to get him alone again. “I was daydreaming about the past
again. I know you told me to forget it, and I did for years. But the flood
gates are open, and I keep remembering things. The night you confessed about
Lonnie and what he did, and what you did to him, was such a revelation. You
said you would never lie to protect me again, and essentially that is just what
happened.”

He
sighed and looked down at his beer. The guilt sat heavy on his features, which
was not my intent. I reached across the table and took his hand. “I’m sorry.
You are sick of me bringing up the past, but I realized that although you think
you’ve become a different man from the boy you were, fundamentally, you are
still the same person. We wasted so many years … Our story is just sad, that’s
all.”

He
looked at me and cocked his head. “Ellia, we are only twenty-seven years old. Our
story isn’t anywhere close to being over yet.” The words sent my heart up on
wings, and my eyes filled with tears, even though I was smiling. He pulled me
across the table and kissed me. “No more lies, I promise,” he whispered. We sat
back in our seats and he took my hand. “Do you know what happened to Lonnie
Bench after that night?”

“No.
You died, and I didn’t care what happened to anyone. I honestly never thought
about Lonnie until today in the car.”

“He
went to Concordia as planned, though not on a football scholarship, and he’s
now a high school teacher. He coaches a varsity football team and married a
minister’s daughter. They are devout Baptists and have two little kids—a boy
and a girl.” He took another sip of his beer as I processed the information.

“I
guess you kept tabs on everyone,” I said, looking down and swirling my beer.

“Lonnie
was an asshole, but I always felt like shit for what I did to him. I wanted to see
what a busted knee had cost him. He turned out to be a decent guy.”

“I’m
glad, Cade, really I am.”
Are you justifying what you did to that kid?

“I
only mentioned it because you did, El. Don’t think I am excusing my behavior or
taking credit for him becoming an upstanding citizen. I was just making
conversation.”

It
was eerie how he could still read my mind sometimes. “Got it,” I replied.

We
finished cleaning the barbeque sauce off our fingers, and Cade drove through the
winding mountains until we came to a sweet little cabin nestled amongst the
trees.  “What’s this?” I asked.

“I
rented this place for us. We should be able to stay here for a while. It’s off
the grid and there’s only one way in to the property. The owner left the key
under the mat.”

“How
did you find out about it? Last I knew, we were winging this trip.”

“I’ve
been here before,” he said, not elaborating. “I remembered it earlier and
booked it on my phone.”

“Did
you vacation here? It’s beautiful.”

He
was quiet at first, and then he finally answered. “I was here with my wife.” My
jaw fell open in shock.

Even
with the air cleared, I knew Cade was still insecure and afraid I would run out
on him at any minute. It was the first time in our young relationship where I
was the one issuing the constant reassurances.  My father never returned to the
house, so we were on our own the rest of the weekend. We went out for lunch in
Greek Town, and I tried a plate of octopus and squid, along with other assorted
items on an appetizer platter. I honestly didn’t care for any of it, and
neither did he as we made faces at each other across the table when each strange
delicacy hit our palates, laughing at each other’s expressions. I pretty girl
entered the restaurant, and Cade’s face paled when he saw her.

 “That’s
Jenna,” he said, searching my eyes to judge my reaction.

“Well,
that’s a weird coincidence isn’t it?” I asked.  The girl noticed us and flitted
to our table. She was striking, and I was instantly jealous as I pictured her
with him.

“Oh
my God, Cade, how weird to see you here.” Her voice was so perky, I wanted to
slap her. She had a beautiful head of curly blonde hair that reached her
perfect heart shaped ass. Her big, sky blue eyes framed by long black lashes,
gave her an appearance of wide-eyed innocence. She had a slim, yet curvaceous,
figure and wore a short, designer skirt, a tight shirt that stressed her ample
breasts. Long, shimmering, tan legs ended in stilettos, yet she still managed to
not come off trashy, making me more envious. Her whole ambiance screamed high-class
money. Next to her, I was a frumpy, ugly, creature in holey jeans and a tank-top.
Every insecurity I’d ever had, came rushing at me like a freight train.

“Yeah
…” said Cade, fidgeting with his silverware. “Strange.”

“So
you must be Ellia?” she asked reaching out her hand. “Cade told me all about
you. Oddly, you are not what I pictured though … hmm …” She drew out the sound
while shaking my hand. She ran her eyes over me, like I was a freak show oddity
before turning her attention back to Cade, dismissing my irrelevant presence
altogether. “So Daddy is hoping that you and the band will sign the contract
soon. You know how impatient he is. What is the hold up, hon’? Are there terms
you are unhappy with in the fine print?”

Hon’?
Did you just call him, Hon’? I will break your legs, you little bitch.

Cade
glanced at me and read my features. He reached across the table and held my
hand. “I’m not signing, Jenna. I’m going to college first, and then we’ll see
what happens.” The look of incredulousness was priceless on the pretty girl’s
face.

“What
are you talking about, Cade? This is the break that every musician prays they
get. I put myself out there for you, and you are throwing it all away? You
angered my dad when you blew him off the last time; there is no way he will
give you another chance.  I can’t believe you. The band thinks it’s a done deal.
How can you dash their dreams like that? Why are you being so selfish?” she
asked, her voice so high pitched I wanted to plug my ears.

“Jenna,
I never gave you, or my band, a definite answer. And just to be clear, your dad
is not the only label. I am going to college, and I am marrying Ellia, in that
order. If a recording deal is meant to be, it will come along when I am ready.”

“Are
you being serious right now? Don’t throw this away for a stupid girl. Don’t you
remember all the nights we lay together talking about how much you wanted this
opportunity? Your family ruined it for you once, don’t let this slip from you
again.”

“My
decision is final.” He squeezed my hand for reassurance though I wasn’t sure if
it was for me or him.

Jenna
glared at me. “You should be ashamed of yourself making him give up his
lifelong dream for you. Honestly, I do not understand what he sees in you. You
are a troll.” She swung her glare back to him “God, Cade, grow up, this such an
important deal for you. You know I would do anything for you. I am enabling you
to have the life you always wanted. Are you telling me you’d throw it all away
for that?” Jenna pointed at me like I was a pile of dog crap. Although I was
angry, I was too intimidated by her to defend myself. Besides, she only
vocalized the way I already pictured myself.

“Do
not speak to her that way, Jenna,” he said with a warning in his tone.  “This
is my choice. Stay out of my fucking life. I don’t owe you or your dad a goddamn
thing.” He seemed angrier than I would’ve expected. His jaw twitched and the
vein in his neck pulsed. I wondered why this girl got him so riled.

“Fine,
if that is what you want, then that’s the way it will be. We don’t need you. My
dad only signed you as a favor to me, anyway. He thinks you’re a second rate
talent at best. Go to hell, Cade Cantrell,” she said and stormed out of the
restaurant. He sat back in his chair and let out his breath.  

She
made a rhyme,
I mused to myself, but didn’t point that
out to him. He didn’t seem in a humorous mood anymore.

For
a few moments, he looked out the window, not saying anything. I pulled my hand
out of his and got serious. “Why are you so upset? Are you sure you want to
give up this opportunity? I will support you in whatever you decide, you know
that. Please don’t throw this away because of me. We’ll work it out. You
promised me you would be honest with me, so spill your guts.”

He
pointed at me. “That … That right there is the reason I am so pissed off,
Ellia. I knew you would push me to sign the contract, and she just cemented it
in your head. I do not want to go right now. How many times do I have to
fucking say it?  I especially never want to live under Jenna’s thumb. Let’s
drop this bullshit and enjoy our weekend together.”

“Okay,”
I whispered, not wanting to fight anymore. Accusations would do nothing but
ruin our day. We finished the rest of our meal in an awkward silence, but he
seemed to shake his dark mood as the afternoon progressed. We did some shopping
and goofing around, until it was time to go back to the house. Cade needed to
pick up his guitars before the night’s show. We stopped for a quick dinner on
the way, and it was much less dramatic than lunch had been.

Once
back at the house, I could tell Cade’s mood was slipping back into the murky
side. “What’s wrong?” I asked him.

“Nothing—well,
nothing to do with us, so don’t worry. I am dreading telling the band I’m out.
They will be so damn pissed and disappointed. I feel like such a selfish jerk
for taking their opportunity away. I guess that’s why I got so upset with Jenna
today. She put me on blast.” He lay back on the bed with his arms folded under
his head, looking at the ceiling. “This sucks, it just sucks. This whole
weekend has been crap.” I crawled onto him, straddling him in my tight black
jeans and even tighter T-shirt that sported his band’s name. He grabbed my hips
pressing into my flesh with his thumbs. His excitement became evident below me,
and I wanted more than anything to ease his anxiety. “I’m sorry she was so mean
to you. You are gorgeous and look so freakin’ hot right now,” he said, staring up
at me with longing. “Maybe I should stay here with you and forget my gig.” He
sat up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist.

“You
can do this. They will get over it, and if they stick it out with you, the
reward will be that much sweeter. Screw them if they don’t want to wait for
you. Start a new band or go solo if they want to be assholes. Even Amy said YOU
are the heart of the group, Cade, and they aren’t anything special without you.” 
I kissed him, grinding my body seductively into his; wanting to make him forget
his troubles--forget Jenna.

When
we finished making love, I grabbed my jeans up off the floor and caught a
glimpse of myself in the mirror. “You messed up my hair and makeup,” I said
laughing.

“You’re
still beautiful, and I love you” he said with an expression that made me
believe him.

“I
love you too.”

He
pulled me back on the bed with him. “I wish you understood how much you mean to
me. Someday, I hope you will let go of all the doubts and realize that you hold
my heart completely in your hands.”

Time
was running short. We got in Cade’s jeep and arrived at the club just before
the first set was to start. I sat alone that night and listened to them play. They
played well, but Cade’s soul wasn’t in the performance. He bore the weight of
his decision, but I was the only one who noticed. The music thrilled the crowd.
When the show ended, I helped them load all the equipment into Scott’s old van.
We all stood talking about nothing important as Cade stalled for time, knowing
he had to tell them the truth, but not able to find the words. I felt so sorry
for him. These guys were his friends, and the news might sever all their ties.

A
black car with tinted windows drove into the parking lot. Nobody paid much
attention until Scott noticed the barrel of the gun sticking out the window. He
yelled as the first shot rang out missing everyone. In the chaos, I had stepped
into the path of the gunman. Though I couldn’t actually see his face, I could’ve
sworn he was looking at me—aiming for me. I froze, too terrified and confused
to make a decision. Cade pushed me to the ground as the next two shots sailed
through the air, both hitting him in the chest. He fell to the pavement, as if
in slow motion, and the screams erupted from my throat as his blood pooled at
my feet. The black car sped away.

 “Cade!”
I screamed, falling to my knees and cradling him to my body. “Get an ambulance!”
The tears rolled from my eyes like salty ocean waves. He stared at me, dazed
and terrified as blood trickled from the corner of his mouth. “Cade, oh Cade,
please, God” I sobbed. Scott was on his knees next to us.

“Hang
on, buddy, help is coming,” he said, as Cade coughed up a splatter of plasma
all over both of us. 

“What
… who?” he uttered before another coughing fit shook him, sending out a second
shower of sanguineous fluid. A crowd had gathered around us, and the rest of
the band worked to hold them back. An unmarked police car was first on the scene,
and I couldn’t believe it was my dad. He helped secure the area while we
awaited EMT’s. Shock registered on his face when he saw me.

“Jesus,
Ellia, are you all right?” he asked, looking me over thoroughly.

“Someone
shot Cade,” I bawled, and my father turned his attention to the boy I cradled
as his life spilled onto the pavement. He got on his knees next to him. “His
pulse is good,” he said removing his fingers from the side of Cade’s neck.
“Paramedics are in route. What the hell are you doing here?”

I
was too distraught to answer questions. Cade was no longer conscious, and I was
screaming at him to wake up and look at me. When the ambulance arrived, my
father had to pry me away from him. “Ellia, you have to let them help him.” I
was shaking and crying, beyond consolation. He wrapped me in his suit jacket as
police cars swarmed the area, illuminating the night with emergency lights.

When
they loaded Cade into the back of the ambulance I tried to go with him, but my
dad took me by the shoulders and pulled me away. I fought him. “I have to be
with him, let me go! Damn you, let me go!”

“Stop
it, Ellia. We will follow right behind them while you tell me exactly what happened.”
He pushed me into the passenger side of his unmarked car and got in beside me.
He turned on the police light perched on the dash, and we paced the EMT’s. “Who
is this kid to you, and why were you here?”

“He
is my boyfriend,” I started. “He is more than my boyfriend, he is my whole life.
I wanted you to meet him this weekend, but you weren’t home. Who did this? Why
did those men shoot at us?”

“How
long have you been seeing this boy?” he asked sternly.

“Over
nine months,” I sobbed. “We are going to college in the fall, and then we will
get married. He can’t die. I won’t let him die.” I was nearing hysteria.

“Ellia!”
he yelled, again. “You need to calm down and tell me exactly what happened.
Take a deep breath.”

 I
did as he said and recounted the events leading up to the shooting. My dad
asked who might have a score to settle. “He is a good kid, dad,” I sobbed. “Cade
was valedictorian of our class and has an academic scholarship to U of M. He
has no enemies. I am not sure they were even shooting at him. I think they were
aiming at me, but I can’t be positive. It was just so chaotic. It happened so
fast.”

“No
one was shooting at you, honey. It might have been a random drive by, or maybe
someone else was the target. Could they have been after one of his band mates?”

“I
have no idea, I barely know those guys. Cade comes down here and plays on the
weekends, sometimes, but I’ve only come with him a few times. Why aren’t they
driving faster, dad? Does it mean he’s dead? He can’t be dead.” I was choking
on my tears and mucus.

“Calm
down and talk coherently. I need more details about this,” he yelled.

“Fuck
the stupid details. I told you everything. The man I love is in an ambulance in
front of me with bullets in his chest. That is all I care about right now!” I
screamed the words at him, and he remained quiet.

We
arrived at the hospital, and I jumped from the car while it was still moving,
falling as my body hit the pavement that was passing under me. I skinned up my forearms
and knees, tearing the fabric off my black jeans, but I got to my feet quickly
and ran to the ambulance as they unloaded Cade. He was alive and hooked up to
an IV. Massive bandages, seeping blood, covered the wounds on his chest. He
didn’t seem to be conscious. “Cade,” I yelled to him. “Cade, Cade …” My father
came up behind me and spun me into a hug.