Far Country (12 page)

           
 “I – I want to say…uh,” Steve forced himself to concentrate as he groped
for the right words.
 You need to say this now! You won’t have another
opportunity!
But what could he say to this man who didn’t have the good
sense to give up on him?

           
 “I want to say thanks, pastor,”
Steve managed to say at last. “I mean, thanks for trying to help me back then -
and now. It’s not your fault things turned out this way.”  With that, he
bolted though the rain, getting soaked all over again, but relieved to have
escaped the preacher’s ramblings… which of course, was all they were. 
Does
he really believe all that stuff?
Steve wondered as he ducked inside the
door.

           
Steve shut the door and locked it. He slowly leaned his aching head against the
frame, listening to the rain pounding on the roof.

           
 
I kissed Deborah! Sarah was dead and I kissed Deborah!
 Steve
banged his fist on the wall as the depth of his failure washed through him.
David was right; Sarah could have been anything. Her whole life was before her
and he, Steve, had destroyed it all. It was his fault that she had lain in a
coma for almost six years, and now, it was his fault that she was dead. He had
killed Sarah just as completely as if he had shot her with his gun. He could
never be absolved from that guilt! He had struggled with the burden of it for
years now, and yet, he had managed to add one last despicable act to his
guilt.      
I kissed Deborah!
Learning that
Sarah was dead on the same day that he had kissed another woman felt like the
ultimate betrayal to Sarah’s memory!  Reverend Graham was wrong. Just
believing in some invisible God wouldn’t solve anything. He could never be free
of this pain! There was only one choice left…only one thing that he could give
to Sarah and her family now, in payment for all the pain that he had caused.

           
After a moment he took a deep breath and turned toward the bedroom. Steve
walked to the nightstand and stared down at the blue velvet bag that he had
left there just that afternoon. Gently he picked it up, feeling the hard thin
circle of the promise ring inside the small drawstring pouch.

           
Sarah!
  Cold emptiness filled him.  The little bag contained
his last connection with Sarah, and his last hope for the future. His thumb
stroked the velvet material as he had done over the years, but this time he
found no comfort.  Sarah was dead.  The ring had no comfort left to
give.

           
Well, that was only right, he thought. He didn’t need comfort any more, just a
little bit of courage. The time had come to finish what the accident had failed
to accomplish. Tonight, he would finally join Sarah. He was done with waiting.

           
Steve was mildly surprised that he felt no fear. Years ago, when he had
considered suicide, he had talked himself out of it.  After all, what if
Sarah woke up, to find that he was dead? What would that do to her?  So he
had remained in the world, working toward a day when Sarah would walk out of
that facility and come home to him. Steve smiled wistfully.  That was
never going to happen now. All that was left to do was to get his gun out of
the lockbox on the nightstand, go sit under a tree outside so that he wouldn’t
leave a mess for his friends to clean up, and then, simply, pull the trigger.
It would finally be over. After all this time, it would be a relief to finally
be done with the struggle.

           
Steve reached for his work slacks, which were draped haphazardly on the chair
in the corner of the room, and fished in the pocket for his keys. He frowned.
They weren’t there! He plunged his hand into the other pocket and pulled out a
peppermint, two quarters and an empty gum wrapper. 
Where were his
keys?

           
And then he remembered. They had used his truck to drive to the river. The keys
were still in the ignition! Steve groaned helplessly and stared at the gun
case, carefully locked against the possibility of a thief breaking in to the
trailer while he was gone. Steve collapsed slowly to the floor, staring in
disbelief at the heavy gage steel of the case and quality lock. Without the
keys, he had no way of breaking in to the box!

           
What now?

           
He
had no truck, and no gun and no
pills stronger than an aspirin. What else could he use?
Thunder crashed
overhead and sheets of rain pelted the window.

           
Drown himself
?
Walk to the lake and just...swim until he couldn’t?
  
Thunder crashed again and he winced.
Did he really want to go out again in
this weather tonight
?            
He laughed at the ludicrousness of the thought.
You were just going to put a
gun in your mouth and pull the trigger –what does it matter if you get wet
instead?

           
Steve sat for a long time, listening as the storm outside the little bungalow seemed
to mirror the storm that was raging in his mind. He was so tired!  It was
too much of an effort to try to stand up and walk out into the night. He tried
to imagine drowning. Deliberately swimming out deep enough so that he couldn’t
touch bottom – couldn’t accidentally save himself – when exhaustion pulled him
under. What would it be like, choking and suffocating as the water poured into
his lungs?  Would he panic and struggle, or simply slip under and down to
the murky depths…

           
But who would find his body? 
No, that was no good! It would
probably be a camper – maybe even a child. He couldn’t do that to a
child! 

           
Steve’s mind passed over other scenarios, but he rejected them one by one.
Slowly the truth became so obvious even his benumbed mind could no longer deny
it.

           
I don’t want to die!

           
He had convinced himself all those years ago, that he must stay alive as long
as Sarah remained alive. He had put her where she was, and he owed it to her to
stay in this miserable state of limbo until the end. But he had always believed
that, if the day came that Sarah’s body died, on that day he would finally
allow himself to escape his own wretched existence. Only then would he have
earned the right to follow Sarah into death.

           
But now, when it came down to it, he couldn’t do it! Once again, he was failing
the memory of the girl he had loved! Steve’s head dropped in shame and
disgust.     
Coward!
  
Well
, he
supposed,
that was something
. For the rest of his miserable life, every
time he looked in the mirror, he would have to look into the eyes of a coward
and a failure.  And every time he looked at Deborah, he would remember
that he had deserted Sarah in his heart, even as her life had drawn to an end.

           
He would have to live with that.

           
Exhausted, cold, and shaking like an old man, Steve crawled into the bed, still
clutching the velvet bag.  Despair washed over him, and for the first time
since David had shut the door in his face so long ago, he wept.

           
“You can’t keep avoiding me!”

           
Steve let out a slow breath and raised his eyes to the door of his
office.  Deborah stood there, arms crossed, anger and hurt etched on her
face.

 “I
can,” he replied flatly, and returned to his paperwork.  Deborah remained
in the doorway, watching him.  It had been almost a week since the scene
in the parking lot with David, and still Steve refused to speak with her. She
needed to explain, but Steve did not want to hear it.

“For
how long?” She asked in exasperation.

Steve
didn’t even look up. “As long as it takes.” He answered evenly.

Deborah
frowned.  “As long as what takes?”

“For
my transfer request to go through.”

“What?”
Deborah took two steps into the room. “You’re joking,” she accused him angrily.
“Why would you do that? You love it here!”

Steve
looked up wearily.  His eyes were red rimmed, and Deborah realized that he
had lost weight as well. “To avoid scenes like this,” he replied quietly. “I’d
appreciate it if you would just leave.”

“Please,”
Deborah pleaded softly, ignoring his request and taking another step into the
office. “if you would just let me explain!”

The
coldness in Steve’s eyes stopped her. “Did you go out with David?”

“Yes,
but…”

“For
how long?”

“Nearly
three years,” She answered. “But..”

He
cut her off. “Were you engaged, like he said?”

“Yes!”
She replied, her voice rising. “But
I
broke it off! Over two years
ago!  I was just a freshman in college. It’s over!” She stated
emphatically.

“It’s
not for David, apparently.” He answered.  “He said he loved you and wanted
to get back together with you. I know that he is still around, too.  I’ve
seen the car at your parent’s trailer.”

Deborah
threw her hands up in the air in frustration. “Yes, he says that’s what he
wants, but it’s not going to happen! Steve, I started dating him in high
school, and for awhile, it was great, but he changed. He became obsessive and
jealous of everything I did!  I kept thinking that it was my fault –
something that I had done that had made him change toward me, but no matter
what I did to try and please him, he just tried to control me more.”

           
 She sighed, tears sliding down her cheeks. “For awhile, he even managed
to cut me off from my family and most of my friends. It was almost like a
sickness, being with him. I wanted to be with him so much that I decided not to
go to college. As soon as he got back from basic and got a duty station, we
were going to get married."

 She
laughed. "Then Daddy came back. He'd been called up to service again, and
did a back to back tour, so he had been gone almost ever since David and I had
started dating. Mom and I had had so many fights about David, I'm sure she had
begged Daddy to ground me for life, but he hardly blinked when I told him I
wanted to get married. Instead, he appealed to my desire to please David. He
convinced me that I would be a better wife if I had an education, and that
David would be proud of me if I went on to college. He told me what a great
surprise it would be for him when David came back from basic training to find
me working on my education....I'd already been accepted, so I went. Only thing
was, when David found out, he wasn't at all happy. But Daddy had made me
promise to go for at least one year, so I stuck it out...and began to see how
miserable David was actually making me! I was making new friends, but whenever
David came to see me, he treated them like dirt, and did everything he could to
guilt me into quitting school. Then he started pushing me to do stuff I didn't
want to do..."  She paused, embarrassed. "I realized I didn’t
want to continue living like that, so I ended the engagement!” She paused for
breath, willing Steve to understand and accept that David was in the past.

“But
he still loves you.”

Deborah
shrugged helplessly.  “I suppose. He didn't agree with my decision to
break up, and he kept coming around the school, whenever he had leave. He'd
start out nice and we'd go out to eat or to a movie, and I'd wonder if I'd made
the right decision, but pretty soon  he'd start doing the same old
stuff," She said with a sigh.

 "After
the fight we had the last time he came to see me, though, I thought he
understood that I didn't want to see him anymore. It's been so long since he
even sent me an email that I really thought he was over me, too."

 "Anyway,"
she continued in a bitter tone. "I can’t help what he feels.  I don’t
love him and I am not getting back together with him.”

Steve
looked at Deborah for a long time without speaking.  How could he explain
to her that for him to become involved with her now – it would be like Steve
was taking Sarah from David all over again.  It didn’t matter that it was
over for her, as long as David still wanted her…

“Yeah,
well, apparently he still thinks that there’s a chance.” Steve muttered,
bending over his latest report and hoping she would take the hint that he was
done discussing her and David’s relationship.

Deborah
started to speak again, but Steve held up his hand to stop her.  “Deborah,
you’ve had your say. It won’t change anything. Please go now.”

Deborah’s
eyes welled up in hurt and frustration. David’s unwanted appearance and Sarah’s
death had opened too many old wounds. The hope that the moment in the cave had
given her faded. “At least reconsider your transfer,” she asked dully. “David
was home on emergency leave for the funeral. He will be leaving today and
returning to Okinawa. There won’t be any more scenes.”  She turned and
left his office, wiping stray tears as she hurried out past the reception desk.

Steve
remained in his chair, staring blankly at the papers that lay scattered over
the desk in front of him. At last, he picked up the envelope that contained his
transfer letter. Despite what he had told Deborah, he hadn’t actually sent it
in yet. Steve looked out of the window at the ancient
Saurotan
Mountains.  The beauty here still took his breath away at times. She was
right.  He did love it here. Perhaps he should wait awhile…He slid the
envelope into the desk drawer, and sat rubbing his throbbing temples. He’d been
inside too long.  He needed to get out and get some exercise. Rappelling
maybe – go out to the Wall…