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I let out a heavy breath that came from months of uncertainty. When I took my next breath, I finally picked up the smell of detergent in the room and grimaced. My shoulders drooped and I walked slowly towards the wall. I lifted my forearm and rested my head against it. I wanted to glue my inner-self back together but I had no idea where to start. Inside I was like one of Lucas’s puzzle boxes: Filled to the brim with jagged pieces that should have formed a coherent picture, but didn’t.

I heard the door open and close behind me. I bit my lower-lip because I wasn’t going to engage with anyone, staff or client of Curtis, Curtis and Brown, LLP.

CHAPTER 25

Josh

“Sorry it took me so long. I wanted to have a one-on-one with Trisha,” I said.

Cassie had her face hidden in her arms, facing the wall as if she’d just been punished.

“Not that it made any difference,” I sighed. “She wasn’t really up for an open-hearted conversation. All I managed to get from her was a promise she’d call Curtis sometime next week.”

Put like that, it didn’t sound promising at all. The water dripping into the faucet filled the silence until Cassie swiveled round and asked, “What are we going to do?”

“Maybe we should head back to D.C. I could change our flights and we might be able to get back later tonight or tomorrow morning.”

Her mouth popped open. “You’re giving up.”

“No. But we won’t have any more access to Lucas until the judge makes a decision. The Lorettis have been told the same thing.”

“They live next door to him and you want us to wait thousands of miles away?”

“That’s where our life is, Cass. My job, our home.”

“My home is where Lucas is.”

“If we sit here, we’re just going to get more and more upset. In D.C. we could keep busy. I do have a job after all…”

“Sorry” Her voice had turned into a high-pitched wail. I noticed the dark circles beneath her eyes. Had they been there this morning? “You
are
my home too but things are spinning out of control and I’m in full panic mode. We can’t just
go
and
wait
for Trisha and the judge to make up their minds.”

She’d delivered all that in one breath with her hands clasped at her chest. I let out a heavy breath and stepped backwards to lean against the wall. I covered my face with my hands then slid them through my hair while lowering my shoulders. I’d never felt like this. Never. Not even when she’d lied to me and told me she’d gotten rid of our baby. Not when she’d told me she was leaving me.

Defeat crashed over me so hard I could have fallen on my knees. “What do you want me to do, Cass? Dig up some dirt on the Lorettis? Do the same thing to them that they’re doing to us?”

A single tear tracked down her cheek. It was only one tear but it burnt my skin as if I was the one crying.

“You’re giving up,” she repeated. “
We
’re giving up.”

Her words killed something inside me and I felt the dead-weight deep in my soul. It really was like dying, with snapshots of my life flashing in front of me and Cassie in every one of them. Our chatter and laughter on the school bus. Our wild playing in the summer rain. Our clambering up the cotton tree at Sweet Angel Point. The softness of her profile etched against the Kansas prairie skyline.

Our first kiss.

Homecoming night.

“It was never meant to be.” The flatness of her voice dragged me out of the movie of my life. She gave a tiny shake of the head as her gaze was lost somewhere behind me.

Not meant to be?
Adopting Lucas? Us?

“No. Everything about us was meant to be.
Everything.
The beautiful along with the ugly, and it’s all
our
doing.”

I wasn’t a seventeen-year-old boy anymore. I wouldn’t let our future slip through my fingers. I had a family to protect and take care of. A wife. A son. To hell with it, I wasn’t going to let anyone take them away from me.

And I’d be damned if I was going to give up on them in the restroom of an office somewhere in downtown Kansas City.

In one movement, I seized Cassie’s hand and darted out of the restroom. We rocketed out of Curtis, Curtis and Brown, LLP. I didn’t say a word all the way down the elevator. Cassie stood next to me. She placed her hand in mine and I felt the side glance she sent in my direction. Cassie didn’t do well with long stretches of silence, so I knew it must cost her not to say or ask anything right now. Once outside, we rushed to the underground parking lot because the temperature had dropped. We zigzagged between the rows of cars and made it back to our rental.

I led Cassie to the side of the driver’s seat and fished the keys out of my jean pocket. I handled them to her. Her only reaction was a frown.

So I took her hand, turned it palm up and placed the keys inside.

“You want me to drive?” She shrugged. “You’ve never trusted my driving.”

“I trusted your Chevy even less. That truck was a death machine. Still is, unfortunately.” The memory of teaching Cassie how to drive in that
thing
made my lips curl upward. “What I want you to do is go back to the motel, pack your stuff and make the two-hour drive to Steep Hill as safely as possible… despite your regrettable lack of driving skill.”

“Steep Hill? Without you?” She cocked her head sideways. “Why?”

This bit was going to take some explaining. “I need you to do as I say. For once, don’t question me, just…
trust
me.”

“Trust you to do what?”

“Trust me to do what needs to be done.” I focused all my strength into the next words. “Trust me to be your partner… your man.”

“But I know you’re my ma—”

I silenced her with a kiss, my palms cupping the back of her head, my fingers brushed through her hair. I wasn’t trying to be skillful with the kiss. It wasn’t meant to tease or turn her on. It was meant to… end the conversation. I parted from her and it felt like I’d stolen her breath away because she swayed.

“Rely on me, please,” I asked.

She nodded then took a step backwards. The sudden void between us made me want to reach for her again. She opened the door and got into the car. Next minute the engine was roaring and she directed the car out of the parking place. I sighed with relief: She hadn’t hit a car with the wild manoeuver. Cassie rolled down the car window and I bent forward to level my eyes with hers.

Her cheeks had a pink hue and her fingers a tight grip on the steering wheel. “I want you to know, I—you are…” she stammered. I saw the glimmer of tears at the edge of her eyes and I placed my hand on the window frame. Her own hand came to rest on top of mine and I kissed her knuckles.

The smile she gave me was at once feeble and strong. It flew inside me and I smiled back at her.

“I
believe
in you, Joshua MacBride. I have
faith
in you and I
rely
on you. You’re my hero. I should have told you that a long time ago and I’m sorry I didn’t.”

“Stop right there, Cass. You’re taking cheesiness to a whole new level.”

“Maybe I watched too many of Gran’s rom-coms after all.” Her voice broke. “I just want you to know that I’ll be waiting for you. Whatever you’re about to do, however it turns out, I’ll be waiting for you.”

Cassie took back ownership of her hand and in a matter of seconds the car had entered the bend leading back up to street level.

Now was the time to prove to my girl she was right to believe in me.

I waited in the rain for an hour. I could have found refuge under the bus stop shelter, but it was right outside the Sorensons’s front yard. I couldn’t risk Lucas seeing me. His room overlooked the street and it was close to his bedtime now.

Cassie told me once that I always had a plan. That was true. Was the current one destined for failure? I hoped not. Because of all the plans I’d devised in my life, it was the most important one. By far.

I lifted the collar of my coat to stop the raindrops from sliding down my back. I shivered. I rubbed my hands together and did a few small jumps on the spot as back in football practice.

I was summoning the mental image of a steamy cup of coffee when my prayers were finally answered. Vince Loretti emerged from the house. I turned sideways and buried my head between my shoulders, staring down at the sidewalk. That was a pretty lame attempt at being ‘discreet.’ But out of the corner of my eye I could see the guy was on his cell. He got into his sedan without paying attention to his surroundings. He drove in the opposite direction from where I stood. For that I was grateful because my spy skills were abysmal.

This was the opportunity I’d been waiting for, and I walked up to the Lorettis’s house. I rang the bell. The next seconds pounded inside my head mixed with the speech I’d been reciting in my mind.

I shook the rain from my hair and ran my fingers through it. The last thing I wanted was to scare the woman by looking like a hobo. When the door opened in front of me, Andrea appeared dressed in a shabby dressing gown, her eyes bloodshot, and in that instant all the words I’d carefully selected vanished like in a puff of smoke.

“You shouldn’t be here,” was the expected welcome I got. “My husband wouldn’t want me to talk to you.”

She started to close the door on me.

“Give me a chance.”

“Leave me alone, please. Just go away,” she begged.

“I can’t, Andrea. I need to talk to you.”

“Ms. Meyer warned us you’d try to intimidate us… me.”

“I’m not here to intimidate or threaten you. I’m here to tell you about us, about who we really are.”

“I know enough already. You’re a couple of spoiled kids who got naughty in high school and couldn’t deal with the consequences of your actions.”

“Please, Andrea. You’re a good woman. Lucas wouldn’t like you so much if you weren’t. That little boy is a good judge of character. Give me a chance to say a few things.”

Lucas’s name seemed to open a way into her. She looked me over as if checking to see if I had a gun. I might have gone off like one in the past, but I was no NRA-member.

“Talk then.” She kept the door half-closed and most of her body hidden behind it.

“I’m scared.”

She cocked her head sideways and a crease wrinkled the space between her eyebrows. She hadn’t expected that. Frankly, that wasn’t how I’d expected to start my speech.

But it was the simple truth. “I’m scared. I’ve been shit-scared since the moment I told Cassie I’d help her get Lucas back. Because, you see, everything your lawyer, Ms. Meyer, said about me is correct. I’d filed for divorce and, yes, I was engaged to another girl.”

“So why are you pretending to be together then?”

“Because that was six months ago… because we had a second chance and because now everything has changed.”

She shrugged. “Then why are you scared if it’s all hunky-dory for you?” It was impossible to miss the bitterness and I guessed that—maybe—the Lorettis were way past their own second chance at love.

“Cassie, she’s a helluva girl and she cares, she cares too much sometimes. That’s what has gotten her into a lot of trouble over the years. Maybe that’s how it all started.”

“If she really cared, she wouldn’t have given up her baby for adoption.”

I’d used those same words against Cassie because they were the ones that would hurt. “It’s unfair for you to say that, Andrea, but I understand where you’re coming from. I want to be a good dad but I still have to learn how to be just that. A dad. Cassie… she’s already there. She’s already Lucas’s mom.” My breathing matched now my galloping heartbeat. “I’m scared I’ll lose her… I’m scared she’ll lose herself if she can’t be.”

A gust of wind blew into the small space between us. Andrea shuddered. She quickly wiped something away from the corner of her eye. A tear.

“Don’t I deserve to be a mother too?” This was the first time she’d raised her voice since I’d known her.

Every syllable was filled with despair and I had to stop myself from taking her in my arms. I suspected there wasn’t much hugging and tenderness in the Loretti household. “Of course you do, Andrea. You’re loving and devoted. I hope—I know—you’ll be a great mom someday soon.”

Her facial expression relaxed and she leaned gently against the door. I stepped back and my movement made her focus back on me.

“But ask yourself: Are you ready to be a mom… or Lucas’s mom?” I turned away and put a few yards between us. The rain had intensified and the drops smashed on the driveway like golf balls.

I checked on Andrea one last time. Her eyes were fixed on me. “Cassie and I, we’re not waiting for a child. We’re waiting for Lucas, the life we created out of deep, true love, and I believe he’s waiting for us.”

There was no more I could say. I’d hardly made a case. We were on opposite sides but Andrea Loretti was a good woman. I hoped she could see the good in us.