Fast Forward (23 page)

I felt my mouth twisting sideways. I’d met my quota of new people today and what I needed right now was peace. “Can’t it just be the two of us tonight?” Shawn arched his eyebrows over the rim of his glass. “And no, Shawn, that wasn’t me trying to get all cozy with you.”

“Babe, you’ve got no idea what you’re missing.” He pushed back the curl of blonde hair that always fell over one of his eyes. “In the South, we know a married lady is off-limits though. Gentlemen’s code, ya know.”

I allowed myself a sip of gin because thinking of Josh put me on edge. I nearly gagged because it was all gin and no tonic. “It’s inspiring to see how considerate you can be. So who is joining us?”

Shawn ignored my question. “Where do you want to go first?”

Definitely nowhere Shawn was spending his nights since he’d become hot property. “The beach?” Before the tour I’d seen the ocean only once.

“Damn, seafood and fresh air… Not rock ’n roll at all.”

“You asked me and that’s where I want to go.”

Shawn didn’t answer. Instead he got his cell out and left a mystery person a voicemail asking him or her to meet in Santa Monica in a restaurant I didn’t quite catch the name of. After Shawn hung up, all I got was, “He’s staying near Venice Beach so he’ll be there before we are.” So definitely a ‘he.’

I let Shawn be all mysterious and started throwing questions about the people I’d met today and what the next steps would be for our duet. He didn’t want to talk shop, but that was why I’d come to L.A.

I was relieved when I got out of the limo. We were now out of built-up West Hollywood.

“You asked for the ocean and I’m delivering the fucking Pacific.” Shawn waved at the long expanse of beach that spread as far as the eye could see. From where I stood, the brown sand was peppered with glistening shells that sparkled under the rays of the late afternoon sun.

The limo drove away leaving us on the sidewalk. Shawn’s bodyguard hovered nearby but I psyched myself up to forget he was meters away. The surroundings felt familiar, with the pier and the long walkway bordered by a wooden balustrade. I’d seen it in many movies and TV shows.

It was also chilly and windy. Goosebumps broke out on my bare arms. I’d changed into a new pair of jeans and a clean T-shirt at the hotel. The palm trees had duped me.

Shawn sighed. “You keep speaking to the Southern gentleman in me.” In one move, he’d taken off his jacket and had wrapped it around my shoulders.

I thanked him but shivered anyway. He put his arm around my shoulders and we started strolling along to reach the shore. My body temperature started climbing back to normal and I focused on the ocean. I’d dreamt of it for so long, of how the sun would fall or rise over it, how the waves would crash on the sandy beaches. Maybe there was something to those crazy escape plans in Cancun after all.

We left the shoreline and headed back onto solid ground.

“That’s the place.” Shawn led me inside a simple-looking restaurant. There was a long bar with a dark wooden top and the floor-to-ceiling glass windows overlooked the old pier. It wasn’t so crowded and I liked that.

“Good, he’s made it.”

I followed the direction of his gaze. There stood a big guy with his back turned towards us. I squinted because his silhouette reminded me of…

“Well, I’ll be damned!” I mumbled to myself.

The guy pivoted on the bar stool and my hand flew to where my heart was pounding against my chest. Hard.

“Kitten, please don’t faint.”

My legs were faster to react than my brain and, in four strides, I crashed into Sam’s bulky chest. Seeing him was so unexpected—and so welcome—I had to fight back tears.

I could count on Shawn to break the magic though. “Let’s not get too emotional. At least, not before we’re totally wasted.”

Sam led me away from his stool to a bench and one of the tables alongside the glass window. I sat down, unable to break away from him because his grip around me made me feel safe. “What are you doing in L.A? The last time we spoke you were going back to England.”

He moved away from me but his hand remained against the nape of my neck, forcing me to face him. For a moment, he simply stared at me as if he could read all my secrets. “It was six months ago.”

Six months since he came to Steep Hill to propose to me. My life had turned on its head since that night, but I hadn’t tried to call him. Maybe I should have but instead I’d listened to that voice inside my head warning me against it.

“Don’t worry, kitten. I understand your silence.”

“I guess Shawn updated you anyway.”

“He did even if he isn’t always the sharpest observer. How this guy made it as a songwriter is a real mystery to me.”

I checked on Shawn who was already chatting up the barmaid while waiting for more booze. “Yeah, he doesn’t show that side of himself off every day.”

Sam and I shared a smile. I’d only known this man for a few weeks last summer, but he’d stolen a part of me. And maybe that was why I hadn’t called him. I shuffled away from him on the bench.

“So how are the Almighty Joshua MacBride and his plans for world domination? I take it he’s getting closer to the White House every day.”

This time my smile was strained. “He works hard.”

“Some things never change.” He tilted his head sideways and the hair he wore mid-length hung down and softened his jawline. “Like you going all Mother Teresa again.” I felt the frown between my eyebrows. “You’re giving up on your dreams so that MacBride can have his successful career
and
the perfect happy family to go with it.”

My spin stiffened. “You’re right: Some things never change. You can’t help trashing Josh.”

Sam ran his fingers through his hair and let out a heavy sigh. “Maybe I’m more like him than I’d care to admit. That’s my way of exorcising my guilt. Shit, that sounded like a lot of psycho-babble.”

I searched his face but Sam was pretty good at being unreadable. “Is there someone you’ve been selfish to?”

“So you’re admitting MacBride is being selfish and you’re being selfless.”

I squared my shoulders. “That’s not what I… You’re not answering my question. Anyway if I was sacrificing everything, I wouldn’t be here—”

“Mojitos for everybody.” Shawn placed tall glasses filled with leaves and crushed ice cubes in front of us.

I grabbed one of them and started sipping the cocktail through a straw. The sugary, minty flavor tasted damn nice and I enjoyed it much more than the throat-slicing Gin & Tonic. Shawn and Sam started chatting. I guessed they hadn’t seen each other in a while. They’d been best friends since they were kids in New Orleans but their lives had taken different directions after high school. I still didn’t know what Sam’s life was all about though.

Would it have been the same for Josh and me? We used to be best friends too, but would we have kept that connection if I hadn’t gotten pregnant? If he hadn’t done the ‘right thing’ and married me? We were back to the question I asked him in the barn at Woodie’s wedding. The question he hadn’t answered.

I tried to make my brain blank out while Shawn and Sam caught up. I stared at the sunset over the ocean, at the crowd outside, the couples passing by, the families of tourists holding cameras. It felt all foreign to me because Josh wasn’t here by my side.

“You haven’t touched any of the nachos.” Sam startled me and drew me back to reality.

“Not hungry.” His gaze kept weighing on me so I dipped a nacho into some guacamole and took a bite. “Happy?” I enjoyed its tangy, creamy taste though.

Sam was about to answer when the very blonde, very busty waitress chimed in, “Can I get you more cocktails”

She was flashing the brightest, toothiest grin I’d seen in ages and kept shuffling on her feet. Girls’ I.Q.’s tended to crash into their panties around guys like my drinking partners. My brain cells were already all burned out because I was living with Josh.

I ordered a Coke and made my way to the restroom. When I got back, the star-struck waitress was still standing in the same spot being chatted up by Shawn. I looked for Sam but the only other familiar face in the bar was Mr. Bodyguard.

“He’s having a smoke outside,” Shawn told me.

I had no intention of intruding into his thing with the girl so I walked outside.

I picked out the sight of Sam on the sidewalk. He leaned against the outside wall of the bar, the tip of his cigarette burning through the night air.

“I thought you liked blondes?” I teased him and came to stand by his side.

“Only the real ones.” His gaze brushed at my hair blowing in the wind.

“So tell me, Sam, where have you been the last six months?”

“Here and there.” He puffed out a large cloud of smoke.

“Okay. So what have you being doing then?”

“This and that.” Another drag.

I pivoted so that I was now facing him. “You are
so
frustrating, Sam Blackhawk. You think you can tell me what’s wrong with my relationship, but, at least I have one.”

His face didn’t betray any reaction and I was a fraction away from stomping my feet in anger. I didn’t know much about Sam, while I was an open book to him. The silence between us was interrupted by the crowd that passed by. Sam kept on smoking as if my outburst hadn’t happened at all.

“I wanted a relationship with you.” His sentence fell between us like a dead-weight. “I’d still want that if you weren’t so fixated on making it work with your childhood sweetheart.”

“I’m fixated on making my family work. I’m not pretending it’s easy, but it’s worth it.”

Sam straightened. He threw the butt of his cigarette away and stepped towards me. “I’m not going to mess with that, Cass.” He clasped my chin between his fingers and tilted my face upward. “I respect you a helluva lot for always trying to do the right thing, no matter what it costs you. But if things don’t go your way back in D.C., I’ll be there for you… whenever you want me. I’m not promising forever, but I’d like to share some of the road with you and see where it takes us.”

No one in his right mind could promise
forever
anyway. No one. That one single word echoed in my head.

Forever
.

I remembered Sweet Angel Point and one summer sunset there not so long ago. The cottonwood tree and the Kansas prairie stretched for as far as I could see. And I remembered a different night. One after Homecoming and my ‘first time.’

I choose you now and forever
. Those were Josh’s words.

I laid my hand on Sam’s chest and I felt his heartbeat beneath my palm. “You deserve more than just ‘getting by’…” That was Josh’s mantra. “… and until you meet your own forever, you should keep looking.”

Sam answered with a sexy chuckle. “What a gentle way to let me down, kitten.”

His arm circled around my shoulders and we started moving towards the revolving door of the restaurant. “Let’s get back inside. It’s too tempting to kiss you right now.” He kissed the top of my head anyway. “Plus that politician husband of yours knows how to use his fists and I’m far too pretty to get into a fight with him.”

I tried to smile to him but what I managed must have looked weak at best. I hoped—I
really
hoped—Josh wouldn’t let me down. Because he was my life. Always had been. Always would be.

CHAPTER 23

Josh

I closed the sliding door and strode across the manicured lawn in front of Megan’s Hamptons’ home. The night was dark, with the occasional moonlight, and the icy wind penetrated through the layers I was wearing. Anyone in their right mind wouldn‘t have dared to venture outside. I did. I’d had enough of the company—Megan’s spoilt friends plus Jack. Besides, all the beers that were running through my system made me crave fresh air.

I walked down the steps leading from the Alistair’s property onto the beach. The shifting feeling of the sand underneath my shoes didn’t help my already drunken state. I stopped to get my bearings while the wind persistently whistled through my ears. I took a big gulp of salty sea air and exhaled in a roar.

I managed to anchor my eyes on a lighthouse further down the coast. Lenor’s family house was on the other side of it. I wondered where she was now and if she was with that Zach Murdoch. I hoped she’d found a home in him. But had I found mine?

Or, for that matter, did my home actually want to be my home… still? Could a person be a home anyway… to anybody?

Fuck!
I wasn’t just drunk. I was drunk as a skunk and the space inside my head was a rambling mess baring all my insecurities. I stepped closer to the water. Given the wind and the noise of the waves crashing against the shore, maybe not the best idea. The water started licking at my feet and I jumped backwards.

I checked the house behind me. The lights still shone brightly through the ground floor windows. The place was more a mansion than a house, with its pitched roof, elegant mix of timber and stucco, and its wide French doors. I wasn’t ready to return there yet.