Fast Forward (10 page)

Loretti opened his mouth but no sound came out for a while until, “Andrea is very attached to the boy. He’s a great kid.” With that, he guided his wife back to their car.

I spun Cassie around so that the couple couldn’t see anymore how the news had hit her. I marched her to a bench not far from Alfredo’s grave. The crowd had already dispersed. There were only us and a couple of cemetery employees left. She slumped down, her arms wrapped tightly around her stomach as though she had been punched. I knelt at her feet, my fingers caressing her hair before gently sliding them down to massage her neck and shoulders.

Minutes passed without her saying a word. Slowly, the tension in her body receded. Finally, she let out a loud breath followed by a bitter chuckle. “You saw this coming.”

“Yes, but—”

“When?”

“From the first time we met her. She looked far too intense around Lucas.”

Another bitter chuckle. “And there I was baking cookies with the woman. I’m so fucking dumb. You should have told me.”

My hands followed her jawline, the curve of her neck and ended intertwined on her lap. “I’d hoped I was being paranoid.”

“Is that why you were desperate to meet up with Curtis today?”

My fingers squeezed hers. “I’m not
desperate
, Cass. We are Lucas’s birth parents and it
does
matter a great deal in eyes of the law. We have to press on with the adoption as if nothing had changed.”

“Everything’s changed.”

“No! We’ll be a family again soon. I’ll keep my promise to you, Cass. I will.”

Unshed tears blurred the bright blue of her eyes.

I checked my watch. “We should be on our way if we want to make it on time for Curtis and then the airport.”

She lifted her chin in that tough way of hers. I helped her up. Before heading to our rental car, Cassie paused by the hole where Mr. Guidi’s coffin lay. I heard the whispered good-bye she addressed to him. In my heart, I saluted him too. My promise to Cassie was also to Lucas’s grandfather.

The drive to Curtis, Curtis and Brown, LLP was punctuated with only a few words. Apart from that, we remained stuck in our own bubble of worry. Their downtown offices were plush with carpets as thick as the Aspen snow. The colors were neutral but refined and the furniture were dark mahogany wood.

A secretary led us to Curtis, who was his usual owlish self. I shook his hand. I was almost relieved to see the man. I didn’t waste any time and dived into the development regarding the Lorettis. The double arch of his eyebrows challenged some of my confidence.

“I’m not going to lie to you, Mr. MacBride. We’d be in a more secure position without the Lorettis’ interest in Lucas. Case-file mining is proven best-practice by child caseworkers in finding temporary or permanent placements.”

“Case-file mining?” Cassie asked.

“A caseworker will try and explore the connections a child already has with supportive adults. In Lucas’s case, people who know him personally or professionally. Close neighbors would likely qualify here.” Curtis steepled his fingers together. “At this stage though, you should focus on your own application and make sure nothing slows down the home study. I’ll take care of the inter-jurisdictional angle.”

“Tell us what you expect from us and we’ll deliver.” No matter how much work I had with my new job, I’d nail down every question he sent my way.

“Now that we have completed the application forms, we should schedule pre-service training and preliminary interviews with the family worker in D.C. As soon as it’s done, I’ll push forward for the home study.” He picked up a fountain pen and started scribbling notes. Without looking up from his notepad, he asked, “Cassandra, when will this tour of yours be over?”

“It’s over. At least for me. By the end of the week, I’ll be with Josh in D.C. I have to clean up my finances back in Kansas by selling my gran’s farm to pay off her medical bills.”

My hand crashed against the arm of my chair. Cassie made a point of fixing her gaze on Curtis who kept swinging back and forth between the two of us.

“I’m available as soon as next week for an interview. I’ve already Googled some parent support groups in D.C. How many training sessions will be required, do you think?”

“Four to ten. The more the better, since you’re young and have no previous parenting experience.”

I tilted my upper-body forward, my fists still wrapped tightly around the pommels of my chair. “Cassie, we need to discuss this.”

“Not now,” she cut in and without another look at me offered the warmest smile to Curtis, whose cheeks switched from stark white to a pale purple. “Is there a way to speed up the home study process?”

“Well,” Curtis pushed his glasses back up to the top of his nose. “Make sure all the information you supply is complete and accurate. In addition to that, you should get on with your autobiographical statements and contact the people you’d like to use as personal references. The idea is to be as transparent as possible. You’ve already provided me with your financial details, marriage license and birth certificates. So we have a head start.”

“When do you think we can expect to have Lucas with us?” There was so much longing in her voice that I almost forgot how pissed-off I was with her.

Curtis wriggled in his seat. “I tend to avoid making predictions like that, Cassandra. A lot of things can go wrong, but if you’re ready to get the ball rolling and dedicate yourself completely to the process for the next months, I’d hope for you to have Lucas scheduled for a pre-placement visit around Christmas. You are his birth parents after all and had the full support of his grandfather.”

Hope emanated from every cell in her body. She gave a short nod to the attorney, but her shoe kept tapping against the foot of her chair. Cassie sauntered out of the attorney’s office. When we stepped out onto the sidewalk, it had started to drizzle and the breeze had built up into a wind.

I didn’t want to burst Cassie’s bubble. I didn’t want to argue with her when I was about to board a flight that’d take me far away.

But I
had
to let my disappointment flare up. “When did you make the decision not to come back on the tour?”

She looked as if I’d brought her crashing back to planet Earth. “I called Shawn yesterday while you were playing with Lucas. I apologized for letting him down. But after the bomb the Lorettis dropped today, I know I’ve made the right choice.”

“Dammit, Cassie. Why didn’t you talk to me about it first?”

“Because it was my decision to make and because you’re too stubborn or too much in love with me to see that it’s what we need to do.”

“To sacrifice the best chance that has happened to your career?”

“It’s not a sacrifice Josh. A compromise, maybe, but not a sacrifice. We have to be on our game. Our lives, our relationship were a wreck and we’ve got to clean up the mess. As soon as I’m in D.C. with you, I’ll start making a home for us and Lucas. I’ll start by painting the walls in our apartment and cleaning up the back yard and—”

“—and baking cookies all day? You don’t need to do that to be a good mother, Cass.”

A short, sharp laugh burst from within her. I wasn’t trying to be funny. “Baking cookies isn’t that bad, you know.” She brushed my cheekbones with her fingertips. I had to fight the need to lean against her touch. “I’ll stay in Kansas City for the next couple of days, close to Lucas. Maybe they won’t let me see him every day, but at least I’ll be around. Then I’ll board a Greyhound to Steep Hill and kick my realtor’s butt to speed up the sale of the farm. After that, I’ll fly to D.C. and look for a job.”

“You don’t need to work. I can provide for—”

She silenced me with a touch to the lips. “I’ll wait tables or work in a shop as long as they’re day shifts and I can help out with the bills. Even a little.”

Listening to her was like taking a step back in time. “You’ve got it all figured out, haven’t you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re doing it all over again. Making decisions for both of us without giving me a chance to weigh in.” I couldn’t deal with the innocent look she gave me. I spun around and created a safe distance between us. When I saw less red I turned to face her again. “Our relationship has been a
wreck
because you look at it as if there’s a ‘Me’ and a ‘You’, never an ‘Us.’”

The business crowd hurried past us. It was lunchtime and, as the rain drops intensified, no one lingered or paid much attention to a couple in the middle of a full-blown domestic argument.

“You’re so freakin’ right, Champ. Nothing has changed.” Her chin did that stubborn thing again I didn’t find so cute anymore. “You’re supposed to be the smart one, but you still totally lack any common sense. You think you can control life and make it fit into whatever ambitious plans you have for yourself. Well, I hate to break it to you, but it doesn’t work like that. It never has.”

“At least, I don’t always give up when the going gets tough. There were only two weeks left on the tour.”

She flinched and I felt like a jerk. “I’m not giving up on Lucas this time. I’ll
never
let go of him.”

“You’re giving up on yourself.”

“I’m not. Maybe the Lorettis don’t have an Ivy-League education. Maybe they have an average job with an average life, but from what I can see they’re ready to welcome a child into their lives, ready to make space in their home, in their hearts. Are we?” She swallowed hard. “Are you?”

I loved Lucas. But was I ready to be a father? I didn’t like the direction my thoughts were heading. “Do you think Shawn or his agent will give you a second chance now that you’ve pulled out of the tour?”

Cassie blinked and I knew my question had hit home. She didn’t stray from her course. “The only second chance I need is with Lucas.”

The sky chose that moment to split wide open. A wall of rain broke over us and I rushed toward Cassie. My arms engulfed her and I pushed her toward the entrance of the underground parking lot. When we made it back to the car, we were positively soaked. And positively mute.

I grabbed a sweater I’d thrown on the back seat before the funeral and handed it to Cassie. She thanked me and swiftly removed her white shirt, which was now see-through after the rain. I forced my eyes to look away from her lacy bra and reminded myself we were still in a public place. Reminded myself we were technically still arguing.

I drove in silence towards the motel where we’d been staying for the last couple of nights. It was close to the Sorensons’ house. It was a bit sleazy and I wasn’t a fan of Cassie staying here on her own. I kept my mouth shut though and packed the few clothes I’d taken with me on Saturday before flying to Phoenix.

When I checked the time, I didn’t like it. I had to get to the airport, back to D.C, and the rift between Cassie and me was still wide open. I slung the bag over my shoulder. Cassie stood from the edge of the bed where she’d been sitting the short time I was getting ready.

“What’s bothering you?” she asked.

“I’m going to ask it. Sorry if this sounds like I’m overstepping the line, but do you have enough to pay for the extra nights here and the trip back to Steep Hill?”

She answered me with a shy smile. “I do. Thanks for asking.”

There was nothing else to say. I had to make a move now or I’d miss my plane. I opened the door, Cassie close behind me. I gave the room one last look, ending on the bed we’d slept in, our bodies intertwined.

Cassie was there next to me, but her heart was closed up. I couldn’t leave knowing that. I stepped toward her and looped my arm around her waist. She rested her head against my chest. My free hand stroked her neck and pulled her closer against me. My mouth took hers, my lips, my tongue owning hers. I didn’t tease. The kiss wasn’t foreplay. I wanted it to have its own meaning.

When I stepped outside, the slight shake of Cassie’s hands and lips made me feel good about myself. Not for long though, “Goodbye then.” I tried to make the words sound all casual. “Each time I leave you I feel that silent fear inside me, the fear I might never see you again, that you could change your mind and break my heart all over again.”

I’d said too much. I waved at her with the tips of my fingers and turned away.

“Champ!” I stopped and looked back at her standing against the doorframe. “I’m not sacrificing anything.” I couldn’t miss the tears that meshed with her voice. “I’m happy never to set foot on stage ever again and simply sing off-tune under my shower every morning. As long as I make him happy.”

“I want to look after Lucas, but I also have to look after you. Make sure you’re both happy because one goes with the other.”

“I’m doing exactly what I want to do. Not just for Lucas or you, but for myself too.”

“I trust you, Cass, as long as you’re sure you’re telling the truth. To me and to yourself.”

CHAPTER 13

Cassie.

Two days since I arrived in Steep Hill and I couldn’t avoid Woodie any longer. I wanted to see him. But now, each time I was going to see him, it’d be a package deal: Woodie
and
Clarissa.