Fated (30 page)

It
was a helpless plea. I already knew that by the bleak look in his eyes before I
even started to speak, but I owed it to myself to lay my cards on the table. I
had said my peace, and now there was nothing to do besides accept his decision.
I wasn’t going to beg him to change his mind, because even if I was able to eke
out a little bit more time with him by coercion, sooner or later his fears
would catch up to him again and we would be back to square one. He would never
be able to love me back until he absolved himself of his father’s sins and
believed he was a different man than him, but only he had the power to change
that belief.

“I
can’t,” he whispered, his voice cracking. Pain was etched into every line of
his face and I saw the self-loathing in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

I
took a deep breath, the thought of a life without Caden already seeming
unbearable. But I told myself that the sun would rise again tomorrow and I
still had a life to lead. Maybe one day I would take a chance and reach for
happiness again, but for now the breath in my lungs was enough. I existed and I
would survive. It was enough.

I
sat up and looked down at Caden’s defeated face. “I should go.”

He
didn’t speak as I left the bed and grabbed my clothes from the floor, quickly
dressing. I turned to him once I was done, feeling less vulnerable now that I
was fully clothed. I drew on all my strength, and all my years of putting on a
façade to mask the pain, and faced him with a calm expression.

“Can
I have the pictures you took of me?” I didn’t want any lingering regrets and
didn’t want anyone, even Caden, to have such intimate pictures of me.
Especially since he was rejecting me, even though I knew the person he was
really rejecting was himself.

He
nodded and rose from the bed, dressing shakily. I followed him out of his
apartment, grabbing my purse along the way, and followed him downstairs. We
didn’t speak and I waited in the office while he went into his studio. I
contemplated cleaning out my desk, but I had no personal affects to take.
Instead, I took the cell phone Caden had given me and laid it on the desk. I
glanced at the calla lilies that he had continued to replace, and saw they had
wilted over the weekend. The edges had turned brown, and I had to resist the sudden
urge to sweep the flowers, vase and all, to the floor. Anger was starting to
rise in me, mixing with the pain, turning into a bitter cocktail. Yet I was
still able to feel empathy for Caden. He was damaged and believed he was beyond
fixing. That wasn’t an easy burden to live with.

My
heart twisted when he strode back into the office and handed me a large manila
envelope. He looked so virile and strong, yet he was letting his weakness ruin
us.

“There’s
a disc with images along with negatives and some developed photographs.” His
voice was flat with no emotion. “That’s everything.”

I
nodded and shoved the envelope into my purse. I had no desire to exchange
goodbyes like we had last time, as if we were star-crossed lovers in a
sentimental love story. So I just turned to leave.

“Lauren.”
His pain-roughened voice made me still, but I didn’t turn around. I waited for
him to continue. “I’m sorry.”

My
mouth twisted. The last thing I wanted to hear was him apologizing again. I
walked out and slammed the door behind me, hoping that he would regret this
moment for the rest of his life.

Chapter Twenty-Three

I
didn’t wait for Macie to come back from her trip. There was only a week left
and I wanted to get out of New York and leave Caden behind as quickly as
possible. My one regret was not saying goodbye to Millie, but I didn’t want to
overstep my boundaries. After all, she was part of Caden’s life and he had the
ability to love her without reservations. I didn’t want to taint that.

I
emailed Macie, telling her that I decided to go back to Chicago early because I
realized New York wasn’t for me. I apologized for leaving before she returned,
but explained that I had gotten a job in Chicago and I needed to start
immediately. They were all lies, but I had no intention of telling her the
truth.

I
found an apartment to sublet, quickly realizing that the rent was cheap because
of the L train that rushed past the window on a frequent basis. I spent the
first week back in Chicago holed up in my apartment, loathing myself for wallowing
in my pain but unable to help myself. I kept reliving our last conversation in
my head, wondering if I could have said something different, done something
different, to convince him that we were worth taking a chance on. But all I was
doing was torturing myself, and I tried to force the thoughts from my mind
every time they surfaced.

I
didn’t expect to hear from Caden, and he didn’t prove me wrong. Instead, I
heard from Macie repeatedly. When I answered her concerned email with a quick
reply of being fine but extremely busy, she had taken to calling me once a day.
I felt like a shitty friend for not answering her calls, but I knew I couldn’t
talk to her without the pain spilling over. I couldn’t let her know what had
happened. My dignity had already taken a battering from Caden’s rejection, and
I didn’t think I could take Macie’s pity, even if it was well-intentioned.

After
that first week back, I forced myself to go through the motions of living
again. I found a temp job, which gave me something to do during the day, taking
my mind off of Caden. But my nights were consumed with thoughts of him, and I
struggled with the effort of trying to forget him.

After
a couple of weeks, I finally felt strong enough to call Macie back. Her calls
had tapered off after I had emailed her again, telling her that I would give
her a call once I was settled. I was hoping I would get her voicemail, but
instead she answered after the first ring.

“Lauren
Sloan, are you trying to worry me to death?” she exclaimed, not bothering with
pleasantries.

I
sighed as a wave of guilt washed over me. Sometimes I wondered why Macie didn’t
give up on me. She was a much better friend to me than I ever was to her.

“I’m
sorry, Macie, but I’ve been so busy with moving back to Chicago that this is
the first chance I’ve gotten to call.”

“I’ve
been dying to tell you the news, but I didn’t want to do it over email. Brian
proposed our last week abroad while we were in Venice! I’m getting married!”

Genuine
happiness flooded through me. If there was one person who deserved a happily
ever after, it was Macie.

“That’s
amazing! Congratulations! I’m so happy for you!” It was a relief to feel an
emotion besides pain and regret. It was a reminder that I would get through
Caden’s rejection and life would continue, although I doubted I would ever
again feel the dizzying heights of happiness and passion that I had with him.

“How
did he pop the question?”

I listened
as Macie told the story in-depth, from the gondola ride that ended in disaster
when their boat sprung a leak to Brian breaking out in hives after proposing
because of a food allergy. She had almost changed her mind, convinced that the
hives were due to him panicking and having second thoughts about getting
married, when they found out there had been strawberries in their dessert at
dinner, something he was allergic to.

“I’m
having an engagement party at the end of September,” she announced when she was
finished with her story. “You’ll come, right?”

I
hesitated, since there was a pretty good chance Caden would be there. But I
couldn’t refuse Macie, and I wouldn’t miss her engagement party just because I
wanted to avoid Caden.

“Of
course,” I replied with more bravado than I felt. “I wouldn’t miss it.”

The
excitement in Macie’s voice shifted to concern when she spoke again. “Lauren,
is everything okay? I know you said you moved back to Chicago early because you
found a job, and you’ve been too busy to talk on the phone, but is there
something you’re not telling me?”

“Why
would you think that?” I tried to keep my voice casual, even though I
desperately wanted to interrogate her about how Caden was doing.

“I
thought you were going to try to stay in New York permanently. I was just
surprised that you moved back. What’s this new job you have?”

I
felt deflated by her lack of mention of Caden. “I got offered a position as an
account executive at a recruiting agency. It’s a big step up from being an
admin. I’m sorry that I left early, but Caden said he was fine with it since he
wasn’t very busy.” I felt bad for lying, but I couldn’t tell Macie that I was
just temping.

“That’s
great,” she said with genuine enthusiasm, making me feel worse. She paused
before continuing, speaking slowly as if she were choosing her words carefully.
“Did something happen with Caden?”

My
heart started hammering in my chest, and I tried to keep my voice neutral. “Why
do you ask?”

“He’s
just been…different since I’ve been back. It’s almost like he’s angry, but I
don’t know at who or what. He barely talks to me. He barely spends any time in
the office or even the studio.”

I
took a deep steadying breath before continuing. “He’s probably still trying to
come to grips with Michael’s death.”

Macie
exhaled heavily. “I was so sorry to hear about that. Michael was such a sweet
man and one of the few people that Caden allowed to get close. But he hasn’t
been taking Millie’s phone calls. She’s really worried.” Her voice became
questioning. “She said that I should talk to you, to try and figure out why you
left. She wouldn’t tell me anything else because she said it wasn’t any of her
business, but she made it sound like something happened between you two.”

I
tried to keep my voice steady. “Caden and I developed a great working
relationship. She probably just thinks that he needs as much support as
possible while he grieves Michael’s death. But Caden is a very private person,
and I doubt he would want me to intrude.”

I
wasn’t sure if Macie accepted my weak excuse, but I was relieved when she
didn’t push the topic. We talked for a while about her trip, as well as wedding
plans, and I was stunned when she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Even though
Macie was my closest friend, I knew her life was brimming with friends and
family that were much closer to her than I was. I accepted her offer, feeling
honored, and made a mental note to try and be more open with her. She deserved
a better friend than I was currently being, and that meant trying to be more
honest with her. I told myself the only exception was what had happened between
me and Caden. It was in the past, and would only make Macie feel awkward if she
knew about it.

I
ended the call with a promise to phone her more regularly. I sat for a while
after I hung up, thinking about what Macie had told me about Caden. I felt a
small measure of satisfaction that he wasn’t blithely continuing on with his
life, but it was blotted out by my worry about his relationship with Millie.
The last thing he needed was to shut her out. But I reminded myself that Caden
was no longer my concern.

It
was a Tuesday evening a couple of weeks after Macie’s news, and I was tiredly
walking home from the L train stop after work, debating whether I should bother
with dinner or go straight to bed. Even though it was getting dark, the July
heat was still stifling, and the last thing I wanted to do was stand over a hot
stove cooking.

I
kicked off my shoes the second I walked in the door of my apartment. My current
boss was a major ass, his condescension so thick that it oozed from his pores,
and his constant patronizing remarks had put me in a bad mood.

I
was debating whether to just have a liquid dinner consisting of white wine when
my cell phone rang. I swallowed when I saw Caden’s name flashing across the
screen. I had programmed his number into my personal cell phone in a weak
moment, lying to myself that it was just in case he called so I could avoid
answering.

I
hadn’t succeeded in blotting out his memory, so I coped with the loss by being
so angry with him that I could imagine doing bodily harm to him if I ever saw
him again. Everything that had happened between us had been such a fucking
waste, and I began to resent the glimpse I had been given of a life filled with
passion and love since it had been denied to me.

Still,
I was weak and couldn’t ignore his call even though I knew I should, so I
pressed the button to accept it.

“Hello?”

“Lauren,
it’s Caden.” The sound of his voice made a dozen emotions rush through me, but
I forced my voice to remain steady.

“What
do you want?”

He
sighed heavily. “I know I fucked up. Just give me a chance to explain.”

I
waited for him to continue, but I was only met with silence. I was disgusted by
the flutter of hope in my chest and tried to banish it. “So go ahead and
explain.”

“I’m
in Chicago. Can I come over to your place?”

To
say that I was shocked was putting it mildly. “What are you doing in Chicago?”

“I’m
considering doing an installation piece at the MCA here. It would be a total
departure from photography, and I wanted to see the space.”