FATED (30 page)

Forty-Two

FRANKIE

The journey home was painful. Although I needed to leave, it had made me feel physica
lly ill doing it. The flight and subsequent train journey home seemed to drag. I didn’t sleep, eat or even speak unless spoken to, and only when an answer seemed like the only feasible way out. Other passengers probably had their own ideas of what was wrong with me. I looked a mental and physical wreck.

Finally my hand was on the old wooden gate of my aunt and uncle’s house. I pushed it hard; to make sure it was wide enough to wheel in my suitcase, and I walked inside the breech quickly, before the spring returned it to its normal flexed position. My shoes made a familiar, comforting noise on the cobbled path. I hadn’t made it two steps when the front door flew open and my aunt came barrelling down the path towards me, holding her soothing arms open wide. I stepped gratefully into them.

‘Oh, my love.’ She squeezed me tightly to her. ‘Come on in, you look absolutely done in, the kettle’s on. We can sit and chat.’ It wasn’t so much information as a set of instructions.

Thankfully, I moved with her and into the only place, other than when I was with Alex, which had ever felt truly like home.

‘He’s phoned you, hasn’t he?’ There could be no other explanation for the fact she was ready and waiting for me.

‘Your uncle spoke to him yesterday.’ I watched her nod and purse her lips together at me, as I fell down onto the settee of the old, bottle green, velvet three-piece suite. It was bald of velvet in some places, but what this home lacked for in expensive materialistic things, it made up for in its ability to love and protect all those who entered it. That was purely down to my aunt and uncle and their capacity for love, even to love what wasn’t theirs in the first place.

In the kitchen, hung a little sign, I knew the quote off by heart.

“We may not have it all together, but together we have it all”

I couldn’t think of a place anywhere, more deserving.

‘How was he?’ I questioned. I had promised myself I wouldn’t, but what the hell.

‘From what your uncle said, distraught. He wouldn’t say what exactly had happened between you two though... So are you going to tell me?’ She had moved out to the kitchen now to make our tea. The good thing about terraced houses was that being so small you could still communicate without raising your voice. I watched as she left the small kitchen, stepped up and through the dining room. Finally she arrived back to where I sat. Aunty Jean passed me my hot drink and I started to blow on the top to cool it down. I stared as she placed the biscuit barrel down in front of me. She was most definitely ready for my arrival.

‘I’m not sure I know quite where to start. I love him....’ The tears started to fall and all at once she moved to sit next to me and gathered me up in her arms. I knew it would be a while before I was coherent enough to speak as the valve opened and everything came pouring out. Everything I had withheld on the tedious journey home. It felt so good to get it out and say it to another human being. Explaining about how he made me feel, the day trip out together and then the arrival of Ruby and his mother. My sobs finally stopped when I ran out of story.

‘Karen did arrive out there. She turned up a couple of days after we came home from the Catskills.’ I heard my aunt sigh. Her body language changed somewhat to irritated, but then my mother always managed to bring that out in her. ‘I was so strong with her Aunty, you would have been so proud... but she did manage to get in a couple of snipes that I suppose have made this situation worse... if it could be any worse.’ A sigh escaped my lips.

‘We’ve always been proud of you. Let me guess... you weren’t good enough for Alex, what would he possibly see in you? He could have his pick of other women.’ She had her hand out and was counting her digits off with each reason she could list. I nodded at each reason.

‘She’s like an incessant dripping tap of bullshit, that bloody woman.’ Never had I seen my aunt so riled up, and I had definitely never heard her swear before. It at least pulled a small smile to my face.

‘The one thing that really got to me though, was... she said he was probably only with me to stop a civil law case being brought against him, in respect of JJ’s death.’ My voice had gone quiet as I looked up, searching for her eyes with my own.

‘Well of course she did... She is a jealous bitch, so of course she did... just wait until your uncle gets home and hears all this rubbish.’ She was shaking her head with absolute disgust.

‘But even with all that... he is getting engaged to his stepsister, Ruby, and she is having his baby... I was stupid enough to believe we were sort of ring shopping for me.’

My aunt picked up my hand now in her own and then held the two of our hands together over my heart.

‘Do you really believe that, Frankie, deep down in there... I know you’re hurting... but really deep down inside, what does your heart tell you? The one thing he said to your uncle on the phone was that things aren’t always what they seem and he would always find his way back to you. Now all we have to do is to work out whether you want him. Whether you love him enough to see around his mistake and move on?’

‘I just don’t understand why he couldn’t have told me the truth? Why tell me he loved me if he loved her?’

‘I know he loves you... I’ve said before, you two have a connection, it has been there for years... but you have to believe in yourself too, in order to see that you are worth loving... and you so are, my love... you so are. Your uncle, me, JJ and Bella have always been able to see that... but that’s no good if you don’t recognise it in yourself. Whatever is going on with Alex and his family at the moment, I believe in that boy... he has had a lot of heartache in his life, too. I am convinced he never meant to hurt you... he knows we would never bring a case against him... he knows. So that thought has to leave your head... OK?’ My aunt had always been a strong woman and I could see that even more now.

‘I know you have been bombarded with hurt, my love, but I do need to tell you something else now.’

I could feel the panic rising up from my stomach and into my chest. I swallowed to help force it back down. My aunt hadn’t moved away from me at all and the hand of mine that she clasped was squeezed just that tiny bit tighter. My pulse accelerated.

‘Your uncle will be back anytime now and you need to know... you will see a change in him,’ she took an intake of breath, obviously needing the brief second to regain some composure. ‘Your uncle has been having chemotherapy, my love.’ I watched as she brought her hand to her face and wiped away a lone tear.

It all fell into place then, with a bloody great resounding crash.

So this was the reason she had almost pushed me on the plane over to my new job. But why?

‘My first question is how is he? Secondly, why didn’t you tell me before, I’d have never left you both... does Alex know?’ My voice was rising. I had so many questions flying around my brain right now. ‘First and foremost, how is uncle?’

‘He’s really good... you don’t need to worry, my love, he is really good. The tumour was removed and the chemo was just to make sure. He’s lost his hair and a little weight... but he’s good.’ The relief I felt was all consuming.

‘Why didn’t you tell me? Alex knew, didn’t he?’ The relief I had felt only the second before was departing and was being replaced fast with anger. ‘I could have coped, you know.’

My aunt’s gaze left mine now and went to our conjoined hands. ‘Love, I know you could, but you’re so young and you have had so much to deal with in your life already... we all felt that... no I’ll change that... I felt you didn’t need to be here for this. I’m sorry if that hurts you. We had already seen a specialist before you left. He said the tumour could be removed and as long as there were no complications, the chemo would be sufficient treatment, and it has been. After what happened with your dad you didn’t need to watch again from the side-lines, did you really? Alex needed a physio for Nathan and he was so happy at the thought of having you near to him... It seemed like the best option for all concerned.’

‘Alex is a control freak... but I am a grown adult, I can’t believe you didn’t at least let me know what was happening, so I could make the choice myself.’

‘Sorry, Frankie... I just thought it was for the best.’ My aunt’s posture sank down and I immediately regretted my harsh words to her. I pulled her to me and held on to her like my life depended on it.

‘There are my best girls; do I get an invite into that hug, or what?’ My uncle had entered into the room and we hadn’t even heard him. As I looked up at him, I realised she had been correct. He had lost his hair and was looking extremely pale. My uncle and my dad had been brothers; there was no disputing the family resemblance. His skin and pallor now looked very similar to that of my dad, when he had first started his treatment for cancer, and they were so right, it was a bitter pill to swallow. I couldn’t have coped watching him. I would have tried and given it my best shot, but looking at virtually the same face, would have made it so acutely painful.

I rushed out of my aunt’s embrace and gently walked into my uncle’s open arms. He smelt the same as he had always smelt; his cheap but clean smelling aftershave wrapped me in its memories. Although inside my heart was in pieces, it was so good to be home.

The first, of what was to be daily gifts, turned up at the house not an hour after I had. I opened the smallish box and found my old alarm clock, which I had been given one Christmas by my dad. In my haste to leave, I had left it behind. I knew Alex must have sent it, but there were no words included with it. I understood but somewhere deep down inside it hurt. I missed him terribly.

The next few weeks went by in a blur. I attended a couple of appointments with my uncle and was really pleased when the consultant said how well he was getting on.

I helped put up the Christmas decorations with my aunt. An old battered looking tree and decorations, that had certainly seen better days, but it contained such strong memories of JJ and me when we were younger; I knew she would never change it for anything fancy. It even had the childish decorations on it we had made in primary school.

Surely this is what Christmas should always be about?

Every day I received something from Alex. Flowers and chocolates were the normal, sometimes a few words written in a poem or a quote. The best and the worst things were the little personal reminders of our few short weeks together, a key-ring with a small plastic hotdog on it, a small teddy bear wearing a green and white striped rugby shirt and a picture in an ornate frame of the two of us. It had been taken from the iPhone I had left behind. All of these things I knew were being sent in order to remind me of just what we had between us. It was his way of not letting me forget. As if I ever could.

But nothing came from him about the situation we were now in.

Christmas day finally arrived and I was busy helping my aunty in the kitchen. Our neighbours from next door were going to share the day with us. I was grateful to them for helping my aunt when my uncle had been unwell; it seemed like a fitting way to repay them a little for their kindness. Slowly I peeled the vegetables, thinking back to the last time I had done this with Nathan, a smile crept over my lips thinking back to the fun we’d had together.

‘I like that.’ My aunty exclaimed. ‘Keep that right there on your face... I have missed it so much.’

‘As you’re pointing a sharp knife at me I just might.’ I smiled wider.

I watched her laughing as she turned back to the sink. Radio two was playing in the background. Christmas songs were the obvious choice of the day. She sang along at the top of her voice. I hadn’t realised just how much I had missed listening to music, it was another thing I had simply stopped doing. I couldn’t have trusted myself not to play our playlist.

Thinking back to Thanksgiving had unfortunately brought back the memory of his phone call from Ruby. My head was in a constant state of trying to work the whole situation out. Many nights I had spent awake talking to my aunt and even my uncle sometimes, when he could manage it, and neither of them thought that Alex had meant to hurt me. Neither of them thought that the baby was his. These disclosures were heart warming, heart warming that they thought so highly of him. The man himself continued to send me a gift every day, but never any words. He never rung me and he never wrote anything in his own hand.