Father of the Man (35 page)

MARY

May I clear away now? Oh—where is Mrs Berg?

ELLEN

Probably in her bedroom, Mary. With Mrs Drapkin. Yes, by all means clear away.

TONY

I’ll help you.

MARY

(In chatty, tolerant mood) Oh Lord…Mr Davis! He’s had about six teas. He keeps coming into the kitchen and asking is it teatime yet and where is Mrs Berg. So the only way I can get him to go back to his room is by leading him there myself, walking just a foot or two ahead, backwards, with a chocolate biscuit in each hand. Poor old gentleman. I hope he won’t get ill.

ELLEN

In his day, a most excellent dental surgeon—renowned for giving hardly any pain. Later on, a conscientious magistrate. Widely loved and well respected. (Pause) Oh dear. That life can really come to this!

MARY

(With feeling) Yes. And all he does is nod off in his chair or read the same bit of newspaper over and over again. Mrs Berg only buys a newspaper once a week. I tell her once a year would be sufficient! And when you put on his television he says, “I can never understand one word they’re saying. Can
you
explain what’s going on?” I hope they kill me off, before I get to his age.

TONY

Drop any more of Gran’s china and they probably will. You’d better let me take that tray.

MARY

That’s very kind of you but I can manage it; I’m stronger than I look. (TONY holds door open) Thank you, Mr Tony. (She goes. TONY closes door)

TONY

(Sits) Right then, Ellen. You were saying?

ELLEN

Right then, Tony. I was saying…What
was
I saying? Ah, yes. At first they hated one another—your father and grandmother; couldn’t get on at all. Or, at any rate, he hated her; must have felt that in his attempt to escape one matriarch he’d only ended up with two. Because, of course, the marriage, with the setting up of their own home down the road in Golders Green, a house bought for them by Hester and furnished by Mrs Drapkin, their marriage didn’t—maybe couldn’t—break any of the ties. The knots if you like were slackened…although I wouldn’t even want to bet too much on that. If I’m not mistaken, it was dinner with the one on Tuesday nights, dinner with the other on Fridays, and Sunday lunch alternating between the two: West Hampstead this week, Maida Vale the next. Even besides that, while Harold was at work, Flora was continually popping round to see her mum, most likely to expatiate—I shouldn’t be surprised!—on the various disappointments of her married life. Apart from the central one, that is, of still being hedged around with apron strings. Which quite possibly she didn’t even recognize any longer as being a disappointment. (Pause) Anyway, my dear Tony, I hope that all this adequately sets the scene. Do you wish me to continue?

TONY

Of course.

HESTER

(While entering) How long before Harold comes to pick you up?

FLORA

Half an hour? Depending on the traffic. The curtain rises at seven-thirty.

HESTER

I was listening to Tchaikovsky. Isn’t this lovely! (Waves her hands a little, as though conducting)

FLORA

(Shrugs gaily) Oh, you know me: I prefer something a bit less highbrow.

HESTER

Dear God. What did I ever do to deserve such a daughter?

FLORA

(Laughs) Where’s Jarvie, by the way?

HESTER

Day off. Would you like a sherry?

FLORA

Perhaps a quick one, before I go and change. I think you’ll love my dress. It was madly extravagant. Harry will throw a fit.

HESTER

I look forward to seeing it.

FLORA

(Playfully provocative) The dress—or Harold’s fit? (But waits for no reply) Thank you for saying I might have my bath here. Mind you, you could hardly have done otherwise: after all, it was you who told us to install central heating. All the floors up. No hot water. And of course it had to be today, didn’t it?—the very first time we’ve been out together in more than five weeks! Filth inches deep. Men all over the place. (Laughs) Not that in the normal way I’d be complaining about
that
. One of them is rather nice, as it happens. Sleeves rolled right up; shirt unbuttoned down to here; wicked twinkle in his eye.

HESTER

Darling! And you a bride of only four months!

FLORA

Well, Harry hasn’t got a wicked twinkle. (Smilingly outrageous) Nor has he got hair upon his chest.

HESTER

Flora, that’s enough! I think a little maidenly reserve should be called for. Anyway, I myself never cared for human apes. Smooth-skinned men were always far more to my taste.

FLORA

Besides. I don’t feel like a bride.

HESTER

You’re not going to say you have regrets?

FLORA

Is that a question, or an order? Besides, you already know I don’t find Harry much fun. He’s moody and he sulks a lot. I keep telling him that if he loved me he wouldn’t be so…so undemonstrative…and grumpy.

HESTER

And I kept telling
you
that nineteen was too young!

FLORA

You were nineteen.

HESTER

Yes. Yes, I was nineteen. But that was very different—so please don’t make comparisons! The love which your father and I had for one another was…was wholly unique. (Much lighter) Anyhow, my darling—without wishing to be in the least bit unsympathetic—you were just so determined, weren’t you? To up and leave the nest. Next time, perhaps, you’ll listen to your mother.

FLORA

Gracious! We’re just off to a theatre. Not the divorce court!

HESTER

I’m very pleased to hear it.

FLORA

Could that be him already? (Glances at her watch) In any case,
I’ll
go.

FLORA

(Hardly in the room yet) Yes. The man himself! It seems there wasn’t any traffic.

HAROLD

(Following close behind) An exaggeration. It just wasn’t as bad as it often is. And since I left the office in extremely good time of course—finding it wise always to anticipate the worst—

HESTER

Good evening, Harold. (Crosses and gives him a perfunctory kiss) I must say, I’ve never known you be unpunctual for anything. Which I think does you a lot of credit. And—naturally—your upbringing.

FLORA

(Vivacious again) My goodness! There must be something in the air. (To HAROLD) Do you realize what happened? My mother just paid your mother a compliment.

HESTER

Oh, don’t be silly, darling. We’re the very best of friends.

FLORA

Then so were Mr Churchill and Hitler.

HESTER

That’s very sweet of you, Flora. But I’d never have the gall to compare myself to Mr Churchill. Harold, dear, a sherry? Or perhaps you’d rather have some whisky?

HAROLD

Whisky, please, Mother-in-Law.

HESTER

Harold, how often do I have to tell you? I just can’t put up with that!
Hester
—or else you don’t get so much as a glass of water.

HAROLD

(Smiles) I know. I’m sorry. I keep forgetting. Hester.

HESTER

(Cupping a hand to one ear) I didn’t hear.

HAROLD

Hester.

HESTER

That’s better. (To FLORA) Perhaps we’ll train him yet. Punctuality may be the politeness of kings but it’s not the full story—not by a long chalk.

FLORA

I’m afraid that the politeness of kings means you’re going to have to entertain one another for a bit longer than expected. Can you manage that?

HESTER

Oh dear. I doubt it. What an ordeal. (Splashes soda into the whisky)

HAROLD

(To FLORA) Why? Where are you going?

FLORA

Well, naturally—to bath and change! I told you! I couldn’t do it at home.

HAROLD

Why do you need to change? You look perfectly all right to me.

FLORA

I’m certainly not coming to the theatre like this! (To HESTER) How like a man! I could probably have worn my apron or my housecoat and he’d have said, “Oh, no one will notice! Why fuss?”

HAROLD

That isn’t true. You know I’d always expect any wife of mine to conform to the very highest of standards. You ought to be flattered I see nothing wrong with what you’re wearing at the moment.

FLORA

Oh! ‘Any wife of mine’! How many do you plan to have?

HESTER

Now, now, children! Flora, you just run along. Like you say, Harold and I will no doubt manage to entertain one another most
beautifully
.

HAROLD

(Patently angry with his wife) Good God, Flora, I’m family. Why should I need entertaining? For just ten minutes or so—and I hope it won’t be any longer than that—I shall be perfectly happy to sit and read your mother’s
Telegraph
.

HESTER

(To HAROLD) Ah, yes, but I propose to make you suffer. A little suffering, I believe, is always good for the soul. I’m family too, you see, and I do need entertaining. (Hands HAROLD his drink) I think that’s how you like it.

HAROLD

Thank you.

HESTER

When you’re ready for another, you may simply help yourself. I always feel the pouring of drinks is really the man’s job.

HAROLD

Oh, no, I shan’t want another. Don’t forget I’m driving.

FLORA

Right, then. I’ll leave you together. I’ll be as quick as I can.

FLORA

(Cont) So try not to miss me too much! (She blows them kisses and goes, taking her glass of sherry. Then pops her head back round the door) May I help myself to bubble bath?

HESTER

You may help yourself to anything.

HESTER

Well…a quarter of an hour, let’s say—and that’s looking on the bright side. Would you like a sandwich? I imagine you won’t be eating until later?

HAROLD

No, thank you, Mother-in-Law. I’m fine.

HESTER

Excuse me?

HAROLD

Hester.

HESTER

That’s better. But you’re sure—no sandwich? And no
Telegraph
. Oh dear. What shall we ever find to talk about?

HAROLD

I thought the English always talked about the weather.

HESTER

Not us. That would show a dreadful lack of imagination. Let me see now. Do you come here often? (Quickly) I hasten to add that the courteous response will not be, “Yes! Far
too
often!”

HAROLD

About three times a fortnight.

HESTER

Ah. Mmm. Not a bad-sized dance floor?

HAROLD

(Really unpractised at this) No. Actually it almost
would
make a dance floor. A small one. If you moved all the furniture. There’s not a bad amount of space.

HESTER

Yes, and the orchestra’s not bad, either.

HAROLD

Is it the London Philharmonic?

HESTER

(Surprised) Yes, I believe it is. Do you like it? (Pause) Your wife, by the way, dismisses it as highbrow.

HAROLD

For Flora, even Cole Porter could be highbrow.

HESTER

And what do
you
think of Tchaikovsky?

HAROLD

Pretty melodies. Makes a pleasant background to conversation. The two composers I like best are undoubtedly Brahms and Schubert.

HESTER

(Now definitely impressed) Really? I had no idea. I suppose we’ve never discussed music.

HAROLD

One certainly couldn’t sit and talk to Brahms or Schubert.

HESTER

Now,
that
was a rather grave tactical error.

HAROLD

I’m sorry?

HESTER

You should have said the same about Tchaikovsky. Then you’d have had the perfect pretext just to sit and listen.

HAROLD

(Pause) As a matter of fact I think I was being a little unfair to Tchaikovsky. Well, certainly the
Pathétique
. It expresses something very…lonely…and romantic…and striving. I take back what I said.

HESTER

Lonely—and romantic—and striving. Yes. Yes…It’s strange that you should feel that way as well. I think I might adopt it as my theme tune. (Lightly) But it’s too late now, you know. You’re not allowed to backtrack.

HAROLD

(Drily humorous) Blast! All my life I’ve been much too slow on the uptake. Can’t we just go back to the beginning?

HESTER

Do you mean, five minutes ago or five months ago?

HAROLD

(Embarrassed) Flora says some pretty silly things. I suppose because she and my mother don’t always seem to hit if off she automatically assumes…

HESTER

(Not believing this for a moment) Yes, that’s more than likely what it is. And she sometimes gets carried away by sheer animal high spirits—exaggerating out of all proportion.