Favorite Wife (49 page)

I was happy to see the women leave for the night. My after-pains had started, and I felt exhausted and wanted to collapse and cry without an audience. But rest was not to be. Mona had gone straight to bed in Mom's old room off the front porch, and didn't hear Jeannette crying in the middle bedroom. I called and called for her, but she was sound asleep. Groaning, I put the baby aside and stood up, my body sore and shaky as I shuffled down the hall. I lifted Jeannette from the crib and half-dragged her to my bed.

My night remained a sleepless one. The baby wailed, and Jeannette refused to sleep, and my uterus contracted harshly, making me want to scream. Melanie and James awoke and joined us in my bed. They were excited about the new baby and needed the comfort of Mama's presence in a house gone suddenly nutty. Mona slept on.

Total exhaustion overcame me as the late November sun was rising. The children had all finally settled down, and slept like little angels all around me. With the baby in the crook of my arm, I relaxed and fell asleep.

“Breakfast, everybody!”

Startled, my eyes flew open. Grinning, Mona stood at my bedside, a plate of pancakes and eggs in her hands.

“Oh, Mona, shush, not now!” I moaned. “These kids barely fell asleep . . . ” But it was too late. James popped his head up, then Jeannette rolled on top of the baby and he started to bawl. “Dammit, you guys!” Melanie cussed, sounding just like me as she rolled off the bed.

I dutifully ate my breakfast while Mona took the children to the kitchen. Their noise was deafening, and I sighed. I felt like crying myself. You just need a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, I told myself, and you'll be all right. Mona will take care of the kids and you can take a nap.

But this also was not to be. She came to my room for my plate, and said, “Suze, Joel invited me to go to Casas with him this morning. I'll be back late this afternoon. Will you be okay?”

I glared at her through swollen eyes. “You are kidding me!” I hissed. “I just had a baby, remember? You're not going anywhere! I need your help, dammit. What, do I have to beg?”

She glared sullenly back at me. “Do you realize this is the first time Joel's asked me to go with him? The first time! I'm sorry, but I have to go. Besides, Rose Ann said she'll be here later on today . . . and the kids'll be just fine. They can play in the other room while you sleep. He's going to be here any minute, and I have to get ready,” she flounced out of the room.

I closed my eyes. I didn't have the strength to argue with her. She was so in love—she couldn't think of anything else. She was only seventeen and didn't realize what she was doing.

I'd turned twenty-two last month, yet I felt so much older. I would manage.

Melanie brought me clothes and a diaper for Jeannette and I got her dressed while the older ones dressed themselves. Then I tried to rest through the morning as five-year-old Melanie did her best to entertain her brother and sister. Linda, the midwife, stopped by at noon to check on me, but she could only stay a minute. She had another birth across town to attend.

James and Jeannette had both fallen asleep on the foot of my bed. My eyes burned from lack of sleep, but the potty under the bed was beginning to smell. I would have to empty it. I carefully stood and pulled on my robe and slippers, wondering how I would make it across the backyard to the outhouse. It had to be done, and no one else was here to do it. Rose Ann had still not shown up. I retrieved the potty and started down the hall.

“Mom,” Melanie dawdled in the hallway, looking doubtfully at the curtained doorway of the unfinished bathroom, “What is that thing?”

“What thing?”

She pointed, “That ugly thing in there.”

Sighing, I set the potty down on the hall floor and pulled the curtain back. Bile rose in my throat. Amid a pile of blood-soaked sheets, the white bedpan Linda had used last night sat on the cement floor. My huge, purple lump of placenta, swimming in blood, was drying in it.

I let the curtain fall into place as I backed away and slowly dropped my head against the opposite wall. My body tingled with shame—then anger choked me.

What was wrong with everybody! How could Mona, Rose Ann, and even Linda leave me here alone with all this! I couldn't stand it! My poor little kids were fending for themselves, and I was shaking with pain and exhaustion, and nobody cared!

My legs were cramping, and I slid my back down the wall and sat on the floor. After a moment, Melanie sat down beside me and put her head against my shoulder. We sat together in total silence, but then her small, comforting hand patted my arm, and I could stand it no more. I burst into tears.

I sobbed hard, for Verlan and for my mother, and for my sweet little children who had to take care of themselves. And I cried for Aunt Thelma and Lorna, and dead Naomi, and for my new little baby, whom I hadn't even wanted at first, but whom I wanted now, so much. The tears streamed down my cheeks.

Suddenly I realized Melanie was crying too. Her shoulders were shaking, and I glanced at her and saw the tears raining down her smooth cheeks. I gave her a fierce hug and cried a minute more; then I mumbled, “I'm sorry, honey. I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to cry. Everything's going to be fine, so let's cheer up and be happy. Okay?”

She nodded and sniffled, her chin quivering. Then she whispered, “I'll empty the potty for you, Mama.”

As hard as I resisted, I erupted into new wails of despair. After a few minutes I was all cried out, and I dried my puffy eyes and blew my stuffed nose. Together, Melanie and I carried the chamber pot outside, through the disaster of Mona's kitchen mess, and into the crisp, late autumn sunshine. We emptied the potty, then together, we sat on the two-holer and emptied our bladders.

I waited until it was nearly dark before taking the bedpan and a shovel to the garden. I couldn't stand to dump this part of my own baby's existence into the privy, and had determined it needed a proper burial. I dug a shallow hole, plopped it in, and covered it up. Then I went inside and lit the lamps.

C
HAPTER
T
HIRTY-
E
IGHT

"F
orrest Lane LeBaron!” Verlan insisted—his voice filled with wonder at the beauty and creativity of the name he'd chosen for my new son. I argued and pleaded, but his mind was made up and no other name would do. Verlan gave the baby his blessing in church the following Sunday, then he kissed us all goodbye and was off again to San Diego.

Forrest was six months old when Mom moved back to Colonia LeBaron. She'd come home just in time for Mona's wedding, riding down from Utah with my three oldest brothers and their families. They, also, had come for the sending off of their baby sister. Even Dad showed up from southern Mexico for the big event. Mona had handled most of the wedding arrangements herself; the reception was held in Grandma LeBaron's front yard.

The wedding seemed more like a funeral than like a joyful occasion. Surely a more somber union never occurred. Joel Jr.'s second wife Nadine was the love of his life, and it was practically killing both Nadine and Joel himself to have another wife join the family. But he was determined to earn his eternal blessings, so he proceeded with the marriage vows. Joel's two wives sat on the sidelines during the ceremony, with Tina appearing pale and stoic, and Nadine's chalky cheeks wet with misery. Joel's expression was tortured and sorrowful, and my sweet little sister looked as though she might collapse at any moment. I was disturbed at the whole thing and wondered how this could possibly be God's will.

I was ecstatic, though, to see my older brothers, Perry, Dale, and Ross, and to get to know their families a bit. We all drove into Casas the next day and went shopping and out to eat, and we played cards and had a party that Mona didn't get to join since she was on her honeymoon. The Utah relatives stayed for three days. Dad stayed a week to spend some time with Mom.

Mother herself looked rested and happy. She'd bought new clothes, and a pair of the stylish new, Nike brand, running shoes. She'd cut her hair into a short, wavy style and had gained a bit of weight. She said it was from all the ice cream she'd eaten at Grandma Susie's, but I personally thought it was from living a stress-free life for the past two years. She told me that the kids and I could continue to live with her, but I knew my rambunctious children would quickly get on her nerves.

Fara was also living at the colony now, with her two-month-old son, Sam. Her marriage had crumbled right before Sam was born, and she had quietly settled back into single life. She'd moved into an adobe house near the highway. Another house close to hers sat vacant, and she suggested that it should be my new residence. We could live by each other, and keep each other company, which sounded good to me.

Jay made the arrangements for me to use the vacant house and offered his pickup and services for the move. His new Mexican wife, Luz Vila, came with him to help, and soon I was all settled into the “hill house.”

Verlan came back to town a week later. He arrived in the middle of the night, and brought Charlotte and all but her three oldest children with him. They'd spent the night at Grandma LeBaron's. Verlan was in the process of moving them to Nicaragua.

“Honey, I'm planning to get them settled, then I'm coming for you,” he announced. “I don't like having you live here; I never get to see you. I'll be spending lots of time in Nicaragua now, and I want you there with me.”

“Absolutely not. I won't go,” I said stubbornly. I stirred the eggs I was scrambling and added salt, then I opened the oven and pulled out the toasted bread. I spread butter on, my shoulders stiff with determination. He couldn't make me go. I'd barely gotten settled, and I had my family all here. My life was orderly and pleasant. I wouldn't do it.

I'd reluctantly let him in last night. He'd knocked and woke me, and though my heart had skipped with excitement at the sound of his voice, I'd reluctantly unlocked the door.

I'd discovered something in the past several months—a feeling I hadn't felt in years. I was actually happy! I'd learned to manage my four children just fine by myself. I had the association of my mother and sisters and brother, and I didn't have the heartache and loneliness that had been mine on a continual basis. Though I felt a twinge of guilt and pain when I thought of Verlan and the rest of the family, mostly I was content. True, I missed Verlan's kisses and lovemaking—but the lack of turmoil in my life more than compensated.

I placed the plate I'd prepared in front of Verlan and sat down at the opposite end of the table. My coffee cup, filled with hot water, was grasped firmly in my hand, and I spooned instant coffee grounds in and added sugar and cream. I stirred and took a sip, then boldly met his eyes.

“What do you think you're doing?” he roared. He picked up the small bottle of Folger's Instant and examined it at arm's length. Then he screwed the lid on tight and rolled the bottle across the cement floor. “Susan LeBaron, I'll not have you breaking the Word of Wisdom!” he flared. “Put that in the garbage where it belongs, and stop acting like a rebellious child. What's gotten in to you?”

I calmly took another sip. “This is my house, not yours. I arranged for it, I moved myself here, and I'll drink coffee under my own roof if I feel like it.”

He jumped up and wrestled the cup out of my hand. He dumped the creamy brew into the sink and slapped the cup on the counter, then picked the jar up from the floor and threw it in the garbage can.

“I'm the patriarch of this church,” he icily reminded me. “If I can't control my own wives, how do you expect me to control anything else? How do you think it would look to have my own wife acting like this?”

I sniffed. “I don't care how it looks. It's just coffee, for heaven's sake. I'm not running around with another man or anything, although I've thought about that, too. What do you care, you're not around anyway.”

His face was grim as he stood over me. He stared at me and slowly shook his head. “So, this is what I get, for being good to you and letting you live here so you can be around your folks.” He shook his head again and sat down to his cold food.

He took a bite, then shoved the plate away. “I'll be back from Nicaragua in two months. I have to spend a bit of time in San Diego, then I want you packed up and ready to move. Can I count on your support?”

“Why me?” I snapped. “Why not Lillie, or Beverly, or Ester? I don't have the slightest desire to move to the jungle, Verlan! You won't stay there, anyway—it's just another one of your crazy ideas, just like Los Molinos was. I'm happy here! This is my home, and I'm not going to Nicaragua, not even if you beg me.”

He stared at me, his eyes cold and stormy. “You want to know why you?” he asked. “I'll tell you why. The other girls aren't rebellious like you are. I'm not worried about leaving them! I hardly dare to leave you, just look at the way you're behaving!”

The children, awakened by all the noise, trailed into the kitchen, and Verlan cheered up and passed out hugs and kisses. Jeannette refused to go to her father at first. He had to coax her to sit on his lap, and she stared at this huge stranger with big, troubled eyes. “I'm your daddy, precious,” he assured her, kissing her round cheek. She looked to me for verification, and I bit my lip and turned my back.

He stayed and played with the kids for an hour, then promising to be back later to finish our conversation, he climbed into his truck. “There's another matter I need to visit with you about also,” he casually said when he backed away.

What he wanted to discuss I had no idea, but in any event, I wasn't interested. I went inside and shut the door, then dug my bottle of coffee out of the trash and hid it in the cupboard. I made my bed, memories of the wild night I'd spent with Verlan haunting me. Thank God I'm still nursing Forrest, I thought grimly. I don't have to worry about becoming pregnant.

The “other matter” Verlan had mentioned was Elizabeth Jensen, the widow lady who lived close to my mother. She became Verlan's ninth wife the following evening, in a simple, private ceremony in her home. Verlan stayed with her for two days, then he and Charlotte's family left for Nicaragua.

In spite of my anger at the suddenness of it, and at the whole idea of Verlan marrying widows, I liked Elizabeth. She was bubbly and friendly, and I decided I didn't mind too much that she had joined Verlan's family. She occasionally came to the hill house to visit with me during the next few weeks, and I could tell she was independent and wouldn't be demanding on our husband's time. She had simply chosen Verlan to be her “spiritual head” as single women were supposed to do.

According to a rule of the church, single women had to choose a holder of the priesthood to make all the hard decisions for them, whether they chose to marry the man or not. Women weren't considered fit to make their own decisions. I sniffed when Verlan explained this rule to me. I'd made my own decisions for some time now, or hadn't he noticed? Besides, as soon as Verlan and Charlotte left, I became more determined than ever that I would separate from Verlan. The time I'd spent with him only served to make me realize how little I needed him or wanted him in my life. I cared about him and his family, but I was no longer in love with him. The relief I felt at this realization was enormous. Where this all would lead me, I had no idea, and at this point I told no one.

Something else I couldn't tell anyone was that I was attracted to another man. David Stubbs, Lane and Harv's brother, belonged to another fundamentalist organization in Arizona. David came to Mexico occasionally to visit his relatives. He was young still—only in his thirties. He had two wives, but that didn't bother me; I was used to polygamy, and I knew David would never have a harem as Verlan did. He wasn't a member of our church, of course, but at this point, it didn't matter much. The thought of going to the Celestial Kingdom didn't appeal to me as much as it used to, now that I fully understood that even there, women were subservient to the men.

David had flirted with me outrageously at the Saturday night dance last weekend. He was blond and gorgeous, with the sexiest blue eyes and smile, and he could sing as well as any country star I'd ever heard. Naughty thoughts of David filled my head. I fantasized about him for several days, until the horrible realization that my period was way over due. My wicked thoughts came to a crashing halt.

Oh, how could this be! I'd spent only the one night with Verlan, and I'd been so sure I was safe! Never before had I gotten pregnant while nursing—everyone said it was the perfect form of birth control. I'd barely got my figure back! I couldn't possibly handle another child! What was I going to do?

My unrealistic fantasies of David and freedom vanished like an illusion, and gloom, thick as heavy fog, encompassed my soul. I had no choice. There was no way I would go through my pregnancy as a single woman and have to deal with the wagging tongues and the suspicious glances I knew would be cast in my direction. With one hasty roll in the sack, for the time being, Verlan had won.

Nicaragua was like being in another world. Endless coffee-bean fields grew on rolling hillsides, surrounded by thick, dark jungles. Villages were few and a good distance from one another, though an occasional bamboo hut was seen along our route. The village people were fairly well dressed, but the dark-skinned country natives wore scanty clothing. The terrain was unbelievably beautiful with lush vegetation and the strangest trees I'd ever seen, many covered with vines and flowers. I looked for monkeys, but didn't spot any although Verlan assured me they were out there. A panther did run across the narrow road ahead of us, and I was satisfied that indeed, we were in a jungle as savage as Africa's.

Once we left the pavement, we traveled for thirty or more miles on a narrow dirt road. Then Verlan drove through a two-foot-deep creek surrounded by willowy bushes, spun the wheel to the left, and navigated up a little hill. A huge, faded red barn sat before us. Verlan stopped the truck and turned off the engine. “We're home!” he said cheerfully.