Fearless (11 page)

Zach, I noticed, had gone on his merry way.

“He’s straight, or so he says,” Liam remarked as he sat down again.

“What did you
say
?” I demanded. How could he be this casual about these things?

“I asked him if he was gay or bi, is all. He said he’s straight and asked if I was hitting on him. I said I wasn’t, that I was asking for a friend.”

I stared at Liam. It was the nicest, bravest thing anyone had ever done for me. He was completely insane and had no respect for the rules of high school, but I couldn’t get past how incredibly sweet it was.

So I decided to not kill him—yet.

“You’re nuts.”

“You’re welcome,” he said with a grin.

Knowing for sure that Zach was straight didn’t really change my world any, so I wasn’t crushed with disappointment or anything. Fantasies aside, I knew I never had a chance with him, so his orientation didn’t actually matter.

At practice, I was about twenty percent less nervous than I had been the first time. I had more of an idea what to expect, the coach didn’t seem to regret asking me to join the team and even walking around mostly naked was less scary.

Of course, letting my guard down was a serious mistake.

As the guys horsed around while waiting for the coach to come out, I kept the same distance that I had before. I was watching Liam out of the corner of my eye and wondering what he looked for in a shot he chose to take.

My suit was suddenly yanked down below my ass.

The guys howled with laughter. I freaked out and reached down to yank it back up, cursing myself for forgetting the drawstring. I couldn’t very well run and hide with my suit pulled down, after all.

But somewhere in the storm of panic and humiliation, I realized Liam was watching me and I didn’t want to let him down. Isn’t that nuts? I found myself wondering, “What would Liam do?” It was insane, because I was definitely not Liam. I didn’t have his courage or his wit. But that part of me that has trouble with running when I should met up with his words about not living in fear and something inside me just sort of shifted.

I turned on Jimmy and made myself smile. Slowly and casually, I pulled my suit back up like I didn’t really care. It was the best acting job of my life, since tears of humiliation were only being held back with willpower. Like Liam had said, though, if I couldn’t be brave then I could fake it.

“If you wanted a look, sweetie, you could have just asked.”

I was proud of myself for the little sneer I put on my face. And that I managed to not shake in terror.

The laughter stopped. A chorus of “Ooohs” rang out. Jimmy’s smirk twisted into a furious glare—the ugliest expression I’d yet seen from him. I saw his hands curl into fists. This was no mere boyish banter. I had crossed a line. He was the alpha wolf and I, the stupid lone wolf with no sense, was challenging him in front of the whole pack.

As scary as it was, it also felt kind of amazing. It sure beat being scared all to pieces. Even if I did get my face broken for it, at least I hadn’t looked like a scared little kid.

“Okay, boys, let’s gather ‘round, “ Lancaster said, oblivious to the scene he had stumbled into. “Today we’re going to work on the backstroke.”

“Jimmy would rather work on a different stroke with his new boyfriend,” Chad teased.

“Fuck you,” Jimmy retorted, rounding on him.

Mayhem ensued. I rolled my eyes and got away from them, not wanting any part of it. So I think I was the only one who heard that at the end of the week, he would be deciding who stayed and who got cut. I found myself really hoping I made it, which surprised the hell out of me.

Bailey, who was a short, compact dude with brown curls, sidled over to me. “How many laps did Coach say?”

“Five,” I replied.

He thanked me by way of a smile that showed his braces. I smiled back and got to my mark. The backstroke was a weird way to swim, but I did my best with it. The good thing was that I had to focus so hard on making my stupid arms and legs move in the right rhythm that I forgot all about Jimmy and the possibility he was plotting my death.

After practice, I was worn out. But it was a good worn out, the sort of worn out that reminded me I had done good. I thought maybe I could get used to that.

“Justin, can I talk to you a second?”

“Sure, coach,” I said, wrapping my towel around my shoulders.

“I was wondering if you could hang around for a little bit? There’s someone I want you to meet.”

“Er, okay….”

“You’re doing really good, Justin. With you and Jimmy, I think the Frosh-Soft team can do okay this year. But you’re going to have to work.”

“I thought I was.”

Lancaster actually smiled. “You have, but it’s going to take more to get you to where I know you can be. We’ve got just over a month to get you ready. You up for that, son?”

“I guess.”

“Good. He’ll be here in a few minutes, so just take a seat.”

“Okay.” I headed over to Liam, who questioned me with his eyes. “Coach wants me to meet somebody. Can you chill for a bit?”

“Sure.” Liam gave me a proud look. “You really took that Jimmy down. It was priceless.”

I blushed. “You liked?”

“Liked? I have it all on video! It’ll get a million views on YouTube!”

“You what? Dude! That’s so not cool! You can’t—”

Liam laughed. “Kidding.”

“Asshole,” I griped, glaring at him.

“Aw, don’t be a hater.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Jimmy’s going to kick my ass.”

“Or do something to it, anyway.”

“Dude!” I hunkered down, embarrassed. “You’re terrible.”

“I’m just saying, the guy has a real thing for stripping other dudes.”

“That makes him a jerk, not gay.”

“Sorry to tell you, buddy, but a person can be both of those things.”

I grumbled, not doubting that for a second. Lancaster called me over and as I came up to him my eyes fixed on the drop dead sexy dude standing next to him. I didn’t know him, but I’d seen him in passing. He had bronze skin, the sort that you have to be born with because no amount of tanning will ever match it. His dark hair was buzzed short, like nearly down to the scalp. I supposed that made it easier to get the swim cap on and off. He was almost as tall as me, which was unusual. I’m used to looking downward when talking to people.

“Justin, this is Kanoa. He’s on the varsity team.”

“Hey,” the gorgeous guy said.

I searched in vain for the vocabulary I’d been using my whole life. After an embarrassing several seconds, I managed to mumble something that combined “Hey” with “Hello” and then had a dash of “Hi” tacked onto it for added stupidity.

I am doomed to live a lonely, virginal life, I tell you.

“Kanoa is one of our best swimmers. I’ve asked him if he can help you out, and he said yes.”

“Coach says you’ve got potential.”

Of course he had a gorgeous smile; perfectly straight teeth, a slight upward quirk at the left corner, an adorable crinkling around his eyes. I looked into that radiant, friendly grin and lost all capacity for thought. I’m not kidding. My brain just totally shut down on me. I don’t think I was even able to breathe.

“He does,” Lancaster said. “I think he could be your successor.”

“Oh, he’s going to fill my suit when I’m gone?”

I almost passed out. “Huh?”

Kanoa looked down at his toes. “Sorry, that was gross. Not sure where that came from.” He looked at me then with a sheepish smile. “Well, Justin, what do you say? You want to train with me?”

I nodded, since I didn’t trust my vocal cords.

“Cool. Can you be at school at seven AM? That way we can use the pool and the weight room without interfering with classes. Bring your gym clothes.”

I nodded again, my mind still blank. There was just too much flying at me. Coach thought I was that good? Kanoa was going to be my personal swimming instructor? I had to be at school at seven in the morning?

“Okay, well, I gotta go get the team into the weight room. See you tomorrow, Justin.”

“Mm’k.” That was all I managed, and it was kind of a squeak.

I was in a fog of delirium as I showered and changed. It was completely unbelievable and totally impossible, but I was actually happy. I’d joined a school team and I was happy. What was the world coming to?

Chapter 11

L
IAM WORE A CLEAN SHIRT
to meet my mom. Either he wanted to impress her or he just wanted to be sure she didn’t smell weed on him, I couldn’t be sure. Of course, that didn’t change the fact that he looked thuggish—I barely noticed anymore but my mom sure did. I could see from the way she sized Liam up that she doubted my taste in friends.

“I was going to order pizza for dinner, if you wanted to stay.”

I hid a smile. My mom was kind of competitive. She wanted to prove she was as good a parent as Liam’s folks. It was really nice of her, considering the way she kept sneaking disapproving glances at my new friend.

Liam’s face lit up with joy. “Pizza? I am so there.”

“What do you like on it?”

“Anything that’s not good for me.”

My mom’s neutral mask cracked before the legendary Liam charm. I saw one corner of her lips twitch. “That’s pretty much everything.”

“Sounds delicious.”

Once I got Liam alone in my room, though, I had to be the bad guy. “Is this okay, though? Your mom keeps you on a pretty strict diet.”

Liam wrinkled his nose at me. “Traitor.”

“Sorry, dude.”

“I eat all the healthy, macro-biotic rabbit food she gives me. A few slices of pizza won’t kill me.”

“Okay.”

“But, uh, you can’t tell her, okay? We have to keep this on the DL.”

I laughed and flopped on my bed. “Okay.”

“So, who was the dude your coach introduced you to?”

I felt warm all over. A stupid grin took over my face that I couldn’t seem to stop. “Kanoa. He’s a varsity swimmer. Coach asked him to help me train.”

“I think someone has a new crush,” Liam remarked, smirking that smirk of his.

“Shut up,” I told him, throwing a pillow at him.

Liam threw it right back at me. “Poor Zach. Well, you snooze, you lose. He had his chance to ride the Justin train all the way to the station.”

“Oh my God,” I whined, hiding my face in the pillow. “You are so awful.”

Liam laughed. “Zach, Jimmy, now Kanoa. What do you put in that milkshake of yours that brings all the boys to the yard?”

I glowered over the edge of the pillow. “Secret ingredients.”

Liam snickered. “So, it’s like that? Not even a little hint for the loveless?”

“Nope. We gays don’t share our tricks.”

“That sucks.”

“That’s just
one
of our secrets.”

He burst out laughing. “
Now
who’s being awful?”

I picked at a loose thread in the pillow. “He’s so hot,” I breathed. “Like, seriously. That smile could blind a guy. And his eyes? Oh man…. And there’s this divot in his chin…. “ I gave Liam a hard look. “And no, I’m not asking him out.”

“Does the wing man have to step in again?”

“Don’t you dare.”

We listened to music and ate pizza and generally had a good time. His mom picked him up and there was that weird moment when parents meet. My mom looked shocked to see that his mother looked so normal. I doubted Anna could pick up on that, but I knew my mom really well. I could see what she was thinking like it was written on her face.

Anna was very friendly. She didn’t even make a fuss about the pizza box that was clearly on the kitchen table. I supposed Liam would hear about it later, though.

After they left, my mom cut off my escape to my room and sat me down. “Anna seems nice.”

There was a silent, “Not sure how she could have a boy like Liam” at the end of her statement that annoyed me. Sure, I’d treated him like he was a stoner loser at first, but now that I saw past that I didn’t like anyone else judging him by his looks.

“Liam’s cool.”

My mom sighed. “I know boys like him seem really interesting, but they’re bad news.”

I folded my arms. “You don’t know him.”

“I just…. Why can’t you make friends with someone else? You’re on the swim team now.”

“Mom,” I told her, snapping. “Liam’s the reason I’m on the team. He’s a great guy.”

“Does he do drugs?”

“Mom!”

“Does he?”

“No,” I lied. Well, it was only sort of a lie. Pot was more like medicine for him. “You should give him a chance.”

My mom gave me a long, hard stare like she knew I was keeping something from her. “You’re just doing so well now. I don’t want this boy messing all that up for you.”

I glowered at her, resenting her for refusing to listen to me. After a second, I got up and stormed off to my room and slammed the door behind me.

Parents!
I thought.

I got online in the hopes of finding Hawaii to vent at. He knew all about parents and their frustrating habit of expecting you to act like an adult while treating you like a kid. He had told me about his parents and how they seemed to have his whole life planned out.

Sadly for me, Hawaii wasn’t on. For a while, I just stared at my screen. My screen saver image was the picture Liam had taken of me. I know that makes me sound seriously vain, but the picture just amazed me. I could hardly believe it was me. I certainly didn’t fit the title of the picture at all. I was about as far from “fearless” as one could get.

Liam had so much talent, no matter what he thought. The picture on my screen should be hanging in a gallery somewhere.

“It really should,” I thought, inspiration hitting me.

I started looking for online amateur photo contests. They weren’t hard to find, but it took a while to read through all the rules before I found one that seemed the right fit. It specifically targeted young up-and-coming photographers. I looked at the previous year’s winner and I was sure Liam was better.

I filled out the form and printed it. I used Liam’s name but my address—that way, if he lost, he’d never have to know about it. The picture would need to be printed, but my old inkjet was not up to the task. I decided I’d do it at the local office supply place tomorrow after my practice with Kanoa.