Fearless (13 page)

“Why don’t you let me finish up here? Go set the table.”

This was not going as planned, not at all. “Why can’t I do something nice for you?”

“I appreciate the thought, kiddo. I just wish you’d talked to me first.”

“Why?”

I think she meant her smile to be kind, but it just seemed condescending. “It’s a nice gesture, hon, but people might get the wrong impression.”

“What impression?”

She nodded to the apron I was wearing. “That you’re, you know, one of
those
men.”

“Straight men cook, mom.”

She shook her head, dismissing that idea out of hand. Sometimes I forget that my mom grew up in a very conservative family. It was easy to forget, since we never saw that side of the family and she almost never talked about them.

“I’m just saying, you could give people the wrong idea.”

I was pissed. Here I’d been expecting her to be thrilled and grateful and instead she was acting like I had violated some sacred gender code. The idea that even the appearance of being gay was so bothersome to her that she couldn’t just enjoy the surprise dinner I’d made her had me gnashing my teeth.

“Maybe it’s not the wrong idea.”

She gave me a blank look. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m gay.”

The words just slipped out. I was hurt and angry and it was the first thing I could think of to lash out with.

The blood drained from her face. “That’s not true.”

The noodles boiled over, hissing all over the ceramic range top. “It is true.” I felt so cold inside, so horribly, terribly cold.

“You’re not gay.”

“Yes I am!” I knew I sounded like a five-year-old, but I didn’t care.

My mom’s eyed filled with tears. “Why would you say that? Who made you think that? Was it that Liam boy? I knew he was trouble.”

“Mom, no one
made
me gay.”

“Is this about me divorcing your father?”

I wanted to scream, laugh and cry all at the same time. “Mom, I was born this way.”

“That’s a lie. Someone’s been filling your head with lies.”

I felt tears clawing their way out of me, but I battled them back.
Don’t you fucking dare start crying
, I told myself.
Don’t you fucking dare.

“Mom, this is who I am. I’m still your son. I’m still the same guy.”

She started to cry, softly and quietly. “We’ll get you help. We’ll fix this.”

“I’m not broken,” I told her. “I’m just gay.”

She sobbed harder. It was like every time I said I was gay it was a slap in her face. I couldn’t take it. I just couldn’t. I went into my room and grabbed my backpack. I stuffed some clothes into it and then headed for the front door.

 “Where do you think you’re going?”

“What do you care?” I said and stormed out.

By the time I was down the stairs, I was shaking all over. At the end of the block, I couldn’t seem to breathe. I made it to a bus stop and collapsed onto the bench. But I didn’t cry. I would
not
allow myself to do that. I wasn’t a little kid. I wasn’t weak. I could and would fucking cope.

When I managed to calm down a little, I got out my phone and called Liam. “Can I crash on your couch?” My voice sounded shaky and I couldn’t seem to make it stop.

“Justin? What happened?”

I tried to explain, but the words just crashed into each other and I made a total mess of it. I didn’t want to make my mom sound like the villain, so I stammered and stumbled through the explanation, making little to no sense.

“Where are you?” he finally asked.

I told him the cross-streets. “I can catch a bus.”

“Stay where you are. I’ll be there in a bit.”

“Okay.”

By the time Liam arrived, driven by his mom, I was pretty much a wreck. I felt awful for making my mom cry. I felt awful because I couldn’t handle it on my own. And I felt really awful for making Liam drag his mom out of the house to deal with my drama.

But when Liam grabbed me and pulled me into a hug, I just sagged against him.

“You’ve had a tough night, huh?”

I snorted laughter, but it sounded manic and crazed to my ears. “Never a dull moment.”

He got me into the car. I guess he’d managed to work out what had happened from my disjointed blathering on the phone and told his mom, because Anna didn’t ask me why I looked like a patient who had escaped from the asylum.

“Does your mother know where you are?” was all she asked.

I shook my head. “Don’t think she cares.”

That made Anna’s face crease with unhappiness. “I’m sure she does. You can stay the night, Justin, but we have to let her know where you are.”

“Okay.”

 I was just so grateful to have somewhere to go that I didn’t argue. Anna took care of everything, calling my mom and dealing with all the drama there. I didn’t bother listening in. I just went with Liam to his room and sat with him on his bed and stared blankly ahead for the longest time.

Liam kept his arm around my shoulders, which was great and stupid all at the same time. I mean, it made me feel better, but knowing his situation made my problems seem trivial. Sure, my mom was disgusted by me, but at least I didn’t have a life-threatening illness.

Liam, of course, didn’t point out how dumb I was being. He was too kind-hearted.

“What made you tell her?” he asked after what seemed like forever.

“Sudden onset stupidity,” I said, looking down at my hands.

“You’re not the one to blame here, dude,” Liam insisted. “You’re who you are and she has to learn to deal.”

I shook my head. “You should have seen her face. She’ll never accept it.”

“Well, we’ll see.”

I swallowed against the lump in my throat. “I knew it would go this way. But, you know, I think there was this stupid part of me that thought that maybe she would be okay with it. Like, I don’t know, that maybe she would love me more than she hates my orientation.”

“Your mom will come around.”

I hoped he was right. I didn’t know what I would do otherwise. I couldn’t move into Liam’s house—they had no room and couldn’t take on another mouth to feed. I certainly wasn’t going to go to my dad.

Without any answers, I curled up on Liam’s floor and went to sleep, hoping that I would wake up to the realization that this had all been a terrible nightmare.

Chapter 13

I
SLEPT VERY BADLY, TOSSING
and turning and fleeing from one terrible dream to another. I finally gave it up altogether as the sun began to rise. I grabbed my bag and quietly slipped out, careful to not disturb Liam.

I was groggy and out of sorts as I changed into my gym clothes, wrestling with the problem I’d created for myself. I couldn’t believe how stupid I had been. My mouth was always getting me into trouble, and now it had really screwed me over. Why couldn’t I ever learn to just shut up?

Why did I always fail at everything?

“Whoa, you look terrible,” Kanoa said when he came in

“Thanks,” I replied, glowering at my toes.

His smile faded at my tone. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…. I was just…. Ah, shit, dude, I was just being stupid.”

I shook my head, not wanting to take my mood out on him. “No, I was being an ass.”

Kanoa looked worried now. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Doesn’t seem like nothing.”

I wasn’t sure why he cared. He was acting like we were friends. I wanted that to be true, but I’d gotten into trouble before by assuming things like that. I decided to proceed with caution and just give him a quick answer. That way, if he was just being nice, he could quickly move on.

“I had a fight with my mom last night.”

“Looks like it was a doozy. Care to talk about it?”

I was so exhausted, physically and emotionally, I almost teared up at this little offer of sympathy from a guy who had no reason to care about any of my bullshit. “It’s okay.”

“You know what? Screw practice. I skipped breakfast. Let’s go get waffles. My treat.”

I firmly stomped on any compulsion to sniffle. “That…. That would be really nice.”

My emotions were all over the place and my head was a mess, but I had enough sense to skip some details about the fight with my mom. After Zach and then my mom’s reactions, I just couldn’t bear the idea of Kanoa looking at me like I had a disease. So I just made up a story about how my mom didn’t think I was contributing enough around the house.

Kanoa didn’t look like he bought it, but he didn’t push it either. Instead, we talked about swimming and who we thought were the best on our teams. We talked about school and our best and worst subjects. I wouldn’t be able to tell you what all was said. I just remember the warm feeling of friendship and the way it made everything seem less bleak.

I just wished I didn’t have to lie to people to keep them from hating me.

Liam looked very worried about me when he met me in English class. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

I shrugged. “I had to get to practice. And you were so adorable drooling into your pillow.”

“I don’t drool,” he argued. He eyed me, trying to see if my wan smile was some sort of mask, I guess. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine,” I lied. “I found this great cardboard box with a fantastic alley view. I’m going to move in after school.”

“Not funny.”

“Damn, I worked on that one all morning.”

“Justin—”

“Liam, can we not? Please? I’m trying to not fall apart here.”

He looked even more worried. “Okay.”

I tried to put my problems out of my mind, but they loomed like a thundercloud over everything. I couldn’t escape them. School, the team, friends, none of it was going to be right until I fixed things at home. I had to face off with my mom again.

I spent the whole day trying to figure out what I would say. I considered everything, including total surrender and promising my mom I would repent my evil homosexual lifestyle. It wasn’t like I was going to be doing anything gay anytime soon, apart from listening to Lady Gaga. But I resented the idea of having to lie like that. Really, no option seemed appealing, and by the time I got home, I still had no plan.

My mom was waiting for me. She sat at the kitchen table, going through bills. I stopped just inside the door and watched her, waiting for her to speak. I figured she would tear into me about running out, or yell at me for going to Liam. But she just sat there, silently, like I was invisible. Maybe I just didn’t exist for her anymore.

“Mom….”

“I spoke to your father,” she said, still not looking at me. “We agreed you should go live with him for a while.”

A dozen emotions roiled in my stomach. I went with anger. “Oh, you and he decided? Thanks for asking what I thought.”

“We’re your parents, kiddo. This isn’t a democracy.”

“So, you don’t want me around?”

“That’s not it at all,” she said crisply. “But you’ve been hanging around with a bad element who is putting these ideas into your head.”

“Like thinking for myself and looking out for what I want?”

She ignored me. “I just think it would be better for you to spend time with your father.”

“Yeah, he’s a much better influence,” I said, my lip curling. “I want to learn how to treat a woman like crap just like him.”

“Justin, that’s enough.”

“Mom….” I let my anger go, expelling it with a sigh. It was wearing me out, holding onto it. “I’m not going to go live with Dad. If you can’t handle having a gay son, I’ll go live somewhere else. But I’ve got friends, now, a team, a life. I won’t give that up.”

She slammed her hand down on the table and glared at me. “Justin, I don’t know where this attitude is coming from but I’ve had all I can take.”

“Okay then,” I said, clamping down on a torrent of sadness and hurt. “I’ll be back for my stuff.”

I was halfway through the door when she called my name. I stopped, wanting her to say something to walk us back from this cliff we were at. I think she sensed, just like I did, that if I walked out the door, she’d lose me forever. I didn’t want that to happen. I hoped she didn’t either.

“You’d rather live with that boy than your family?”

“That ‘boy’ is my best friend,” I told her. “And
he
doesn’t care that I’m gay.”

“Is that the life you want? Drugs and that whole …
lifestyle
with him?”

“Wait….” I turned. “You don’t think Liam’s my boyfriend, do you?”

The word clearly repulsed her. “You weren’t like this before you met him.”

“Yes, I was. I just didn’t tell you.”

I sighed and closed the door and went to sit across from her. Liam didn’t like people knowing about his disease because he didn’t like people treating him different. I respected that, so I never told anyone what I knew. But this time I was going to make an exception. I hoped he wouldn’t mind.

“Liam’s not gay, mom. He’s got leukemia. The only drugs he does are the ones he needs to stay alive.”

She stared at me. It was amazing to watch her face transform from embittered disappointment to sympathetic understanding. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“He doesn’t want people to know.”

My mom looked away, processing this piece of information. It totally derailed the train of righteous indignation she had been riding.

I still couldn’t believe she’d thought Liam had turned me gay. Where did she get her information from, anyway?

“He seems healthy.”

I shrugged. “He is, mostly.”

She turned back to me, looking at me like she was trying to find the little boy she’d raised somewhere in my face. I kind of felt sorry for her, in that moment. She didn’t want me to be gay. She wanted me to have the life she’d imagined for me when I’d been that little boy.

“Do you have homework?” she asked.

“Some.”

“Why don’t you go do that while I pay bills? Then we can go get some Italian.”

I felt my heart pounding against my ribs. “Mom….”

“I don’t understand this, Justin. And it’s not what I want for you. But I don’t want you to run away, either. You’re my son and I love you. We’ll just have to figure it out.”

It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was all I was going to get. I got up and grabbed my backpack and headed for my room. I called Liam to let him know things were leveling out, if not improving.