Fearless (17 page)

“Hey, dude,” I said as I sat next to Liam in History.

The class was still settling in around us, so we had a minute. Liam looked tired and grouchy, but he forced a smile for me. “Hey.”

“So, uh, did you know that Aolani is Kanoa’s sister?”

He shook his head. “No. You want to double date?”

Holy fuck yes.
“Very funny. I talked to her about you. She’s interested.”

“Interested in what?”

“You, stupid.”

His weary smile vanished. “Why did you do that?”

“I was being your wingman.”

It had been a while since I’d seen Liam’s temper, but it was all over him now. “I don’t need a wingman. If I want to ask someone out, I will.”

“Then why haven’t you?”

“I have other shit on my mind.”

“Why are you being such a psycho?” I asked. “You did this for me, remember?”

“That was different.”

“How?”

Liam glowered at me. “Because you’re so scared you won’t even think of asking some dude out.”

I flinched. “That’s not true. Dude, what has gotten into you?”

“You just shouldn’t have done this,” he told me. “It’s not a good time.”

I really couldn’t believe the way he was acting. I was handing him his dream girl with a pink bow on her head. “You’re so full of shit. You talk a big game, but when it comes down to it, you’re just as scared as me. For all your talk, you’re just too scared she’ll say no.”

“Fuck you, Justin. I don’t need this shit.”

And with that, he grabbed his stuff and left. I stared after him, shocked and angry and sad and worried and so many things I couldn’t even list them. My best friend had just stormed out, and I didn’t know if he was ever coming back—to school or to me.

Chapter 18

B
Y THE TIME
I
GOT
home, I was in a really foul mood. I was angry with Liam for overreacting to my attempt to be a good friend. I was even more pissed at myself for screwing up another friendship—the best one of my life so far.

Why couldn’t I ever stop fucking things up?

There was no one I could ask that question. Liam was who I would go to, but what did you do when your best friend
was
the problem? I sure as hell couldn’t talk to my mom—the smug satisfaction on her face would only make things a million times worse.

I paced the length of my room, kicking clothes out of my way. There was one person, I realized, staring at my computer. I hadn’t actually talked to Hawaii in a week, I’d been so busy. I didn’t know if he even came on anymore. But it was worth a try. I had to talk to someone or I would lose my mind.

Luckily, he was on. I pinged him instantly, not playing any games.

JustM3*87:
Hey dude.

Hawaii5*9:
 Dude, where you been?

JustM3*87:
Busy, sry.

Hawaii5*9:
 No prob, was just worried. Everything okay?

JustM3*87:
Not rly, could use a friend. Want to meet up?

I knew it was stupid—even suicidal, but I didn’t care. Playing it safe only ever got me hurt anyway, so what difference did it make?

Hawaii5*9:
 For real?

JustM3*87:
Yeah.

As much as I wanted to believe that Hawaii was the chill teen dude he was online, the rational part of me knew that Hawaii was a fifty-year-old guy with back-hair and a beer belly, but I threw that part of me into the basement of my mind and locked the door. It was time to do something crazy.

We’d never discussed meeting, though I knew we lived in the same county. We’d never talked specifics. I think neither of us wanted to come off as a Stalker. We both knew that for teens, meeting guys online was a good way to wind up in the trunk of a car.

JustM3*87:
You there?

Hawaii5*9:
 Yep. Know where the Starbucks is on 9th and Juniper?

JustM3*87:
No, but I have Google.

I checked the location and bus routes.

JustM3*87:
Meet you there at 5?

Hawaii5*9:
 Ok. How will I know you?

JustM3*87:
I’ll be reading Dreamscape.

Hawaii5*9:
 :) Ok.

You’re a crazy moron and you’re going to die
, I told myself. That didn’t stop me from changing my shirt and zipping out the door. I can’t explain what I was thinking. My head was a total mess. I couldn’t fix the Liam situation and that drove me nuts.

I don’t have a coffee habit—like I could afford one. I got the smallest, cheapest thing they had and settled at a table by the window. I had no idea what Hawaii looked like so I just watched every customer who walked in the door. College dudes with their girlfriends, business guys with briefcases, a pair of mechanics on their break, they all came and went. The first guy that came in by himself made me want to duck into the bathroom.

You can call me all the terrible names you want, but I don’t want to date a guy who’s older than my grandpa. Not my thing.

The old guy flirted with the girl behind the counter and then got his beverage and left. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Anxiety gave way to boredom, and even that eventually faded before the onslaught of disappointment. Five o’clock became six, and by seven it was clear that Hawaii wasn’t coming. I felt like a total loser. I wouldn’t have even said, categorically, that being stood up was better than winding up in the trunk of a car.

When I got home, I found Hawaii’s profile had been deleted. Apparently, meeting me had been such a horrifying idea that I’d scared him right off the Internet.

Life can really suck sometimes, you know?

Liam wasn’t at school the next day, which actually didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was how lonely everything seemed without him. I knew I could probably find Bailey or one of the other guys on the team and figure out some way to hang with them, but I didn’t want to. The truth was, I knew that even being surrounded by the guys, I would still feel lonely because they weren’t Liam. I'd have to be on my guard around them, have to watch what I said and how I acted. It would be awful.

I spent the day figuring out a good groveling strategy. Pride is a useless thing, really. All it does is make you too stupid to do the things you need to do to fix what’s broken. My friendship with Liam was broken. I didn’t know how or why, but I was going to make it clear to him I’d do whatever he wanted to make things right.

So when I saw I’d missed his call while I was at practice, I rushed to call him back. Anna answered, and she sounded even more tired than usual.

“It was actually me that called, I hope that’s okay.”

I went from confusion to worry in a microsecond. “Is Liam okay?”

“He had a rough chemo this morning. He’s feeling pretty sick. I’m keeping him home for a few days. Would you mind bringing his schoolwork over? I called and the admin office said they’d have it waiting to be picked up.”

“Of course.”

Me, being an idiot, hadn’t thought to tie his recent moodiness to chemo. He always made it out like the treatments were no big deal, just a minor nuisance. Had things been worse lately and he hadn’t told me? If so, why not? I would have understood.

Or did he think I wouldn’t? That possibility crushed me.

I picked up his books and assignments and took the bus to his apartment building because it was too much to carry on my bike. I also called my mom to let her know I would be home late. She was keeping even closer tabs on me than before. I think she was worried that I was going to run off and join a Pride Parade.

Anna welcomed me in and she really did look like she hadn’t slept in a couple of days. “I really appreciate this, Justin. We’ve only the one car and Mike—”

“It’s no problem,” I told her. I put the pile of books and papers on the counter. “After all you’ve done for me, this is nothing.”

“How are things with your mom, sweetie?”

The way she said “sweetie” had a weird effect on me, like I wanted to hug her or something. It had been a while since my mom and I had been on hugging terms. We were still working on not-screaming-at-each-other terms.

“We’re working through it,” I replied. That was about the only way to describe it.

“Well, you’re always welcome here.”

“Thanks.” I looked in the direction of Liam’s room. “Can I see him?”

“I think he’s sleeping.”

“Just for a second?” I pleaded.

Anna nodded, passing a hand over her eyes. “The doctors say the more intense chemo is helping, just not as fast as we were hoping for. He’s trying to be brave about it—you know Liam.”

“Yeah….”

“Yeah....” Anna’s smile was so terribly sad. I had never seen so much pride and so much sorrow in one expression before. “He never wants me to know how bad he’s feeling.” She sniffled. “But I think he’s having a hard time with it.”

“Um, why don’t I sit with him for a while? You look like you could use a nap.”

Anna laughed, but there was a shaky, warbling note to it. “He has to take his meds in a little bit.”

“Tell me what and when and I’ll take care of it.”

A single tear escaped the corner of her eye. “You’re a saint.”

“I don’t think they make gay saints.”

That made her laugh. “Okay, let me show you what he needs to take….”

Once I had the information, I shooed her off to bed. Then I crept into Liam’s room, being as careful as I could to make no noise. I knew from experience that sleep was the best refuge when you felt miserable, so I didn’t want to wake him.

The shades were drawn, so the room was completely dark. I saw Sully’s head pop up, a shadow amongst shadows. But he recognized me and quickly went back to sleep at Liam’s feet.

Once my eyes had adjusted, I looked at my best friend’s sleeping form and was struck by how small he seemed. I knew he was shorter than me, of course, but that fact had kind of disappeared behind the bombastic persona of Liam. He was so full of energy, so full of life, that he seemed like a giant to me—a god towering over us mere mortals.

Curled up and asleep, he looked unnervingly small and frail. He barely took up a fourth of his queen-sized bed. He was so thin—scary thin. I had never noticed before because I’d been almost that skinny. Now, thanks to swimming and eating better, I was filling out. Liam, by contrast, seemed to be getting more frail.

I realized this was Liam without his armor. This was the Liam he didn’t want anyone to see. Was that why he had pushed me away? Because he hadn’t wanted me to see this?

I sat in the chair next to his bed and just watched him sleep. Even though he was out of it, being there with him made that lonely feeling go away. It was ridiculous and I knew it, but having him nearby put my world back on its axis.

When the clock hit the time Anna had given me, I reached out and took one of Liam’s hands in mine. He stirred, eyes fluttering open. I watched as he took stock of his situation; that I had defied my exile, that I was seeing him at his most vulnerable, that I knew now why he had been such a dick to me. So many emotions swirled in his green eyes. I could almost, but not quite, pick them all out.

When he spoke, all he said was, “Hey.”

I smiled, because he was the master of downplaying things. “Hi. Time for your meds.”

“Mmkay,” he murmured.

I got him his Gatorade and the proper pills, being very careful to be sure I got the right ones. I knew Anna was trusting me an awful lot and I didn’t want to screw it up. I also didn’t even want to think what would happen if I messed up his meds.

Liam sat up to take his pills, drinking down half of the Gatorade. Then he collapsed, like that exertion had been too much for him. His weakness, frankly, scared me. I wasn’t used to seeing him beaten down like this.

He surprised me by taking my hand again. The look on his face was kind of shy, and yet kind of coy too.

“Are you giving me my sponge bath later?”

“I’d be happy to,” I told him, waggling my eyebrows.

“Pervert.”

“And then some.”

Liam giggled and coughed. I found a straw so he wouldn’t have to sit up again and gave him more Gatorade. He nursed on that for a little bit, looking embarrassed. I took it back when he handed it to me, being sure to cap it so it didn’t spill. I didn’t know what to say. I was completely freaked out and trying my best to not show it.

“I told you I turn into a whiny bitch after chemo.”

“Oh please.” I rolled my eyes.

He bit his lower lip. “You wanna come up here with me?”

“Okay.”

I moved to sit on the edge of the bed, but he pulled me in and wrapped around me like some kind of bony python. I didn’t know what to do, so I just held him, running my hands up and down his bare back. It’s what my mom did when I was a kid and feeling sick.

“Thanks for coming,” he murmured in a soft voice. “Means a lot.”

“That’s what friends are for.”

“I’m sorry about before.” He sounded so lost. “I didn’t mean to be a dick. I’ve just been freaking, a little.”

I shrugged—as best as I could, anyway, with Liam wrapped around me. “Forget it.”