Fearless (20 page)

Only, with each passing day, that was less true. He slept a lot now and when he was awake, he still wasn’t really Liam. Lou was beating him down.

I got off the elevator and quickly made my way to his room. I had some news for him, news that I knew would cheer him up.

Anna and Mike were there. I didn’t know if they still worked. I knew they didn’t sleep anymore. They were always there, always dealing with the doctors and nurses. They were with me, in the trenches fighting Lou.

Liam was sitting up when I came in. There were dark circles under his eyes. He gave me a friendly wave, though, like nothing at all was wrong. That made me smile. He hadn't even been strong enough to fake being okay in days.

“So, what’s this big announcement my parents say you have?”

I looked to Anna and Mike, grateful they had let me be the one to tell him. “You’re getting your bone marrow transplant,” I told him.

His face scrunched up. “How…?”

“We’re a match,” I told him. “Doctors gave me the news today.”

Liam stared at me. “Dude, that’s….”

“It’s nothing at all,” I insisted.

Liam’s eyes moistened. He wiped angrily at them and looked at his parents. “Could you give us a minute?”

“Sure hon,” Anna said.

“We’ll go hit the cafeteria,” Mike told him.

Once they were gone, I went to sit beside him. I did my best to ignore all the
things
attached to him—the IVs, the oxygen tube, the things that went beep—the things that reminded me that Lou was coming for my best friend. I knew, rationally, that they were helping Liam, but I couldn’t escape the feeling that what they were really doing was sucking the life out of him.

I took his hand. “It’s really no big deal.”

“Dude, it’s a huge deal. It’s not like giving blood.”

I shrugged. “Don’t care.”

Liam smiled, a tear sliding down his cheek. “I really appreciate it, dude. I mean…. I mean, just I don’t even know what to say.”

“Liam, I’ve been trying to find something I can do to help. I’m lucky we’re a match. It’s pretty much a miracle.”

He closed his eyes and collapsed back on the bed. “You just…. I don’t….” He fiddled with the
thing
attached to his finger. “I think I’m done, Justin.”

I felt my heart stutter to a stop. The world slipped out of focus for a second. “What?”

Liam looked at the ceiling, tears now slipping freely down his face and into his pillows. He looked so utterly exhausted. The toll of fighting Lou for so long had hollowed him out in ways that he kept so well hidden.

“I don’t want any more procedures.”

“But—”

 “I don’t want the fight anymore.” He wiped at his eyes. “I know that makes me a quitter, but I’m just so tired.”

He was always so strong, so positive. It was so easy to forget that he was just a guy my age, being slowly murdered over a period of years. To me, he was like a hero of legend. But I had also seen him naked—really naked, the sort where all of his vulnerabilities had been out in the open. I knew what his fight with Lou took out of him every day.

I had no right to ask him to keep fighting. I knew it was selfish of me to push him. But I just couldn’t lose him. He was my foundation now.

“You can’t let Lou win,” I told him, hearing my voice crack. “You’re too strong to give up.”

Liam shook his head, his eyes sliding shut. “Lou and I have been slugging it out for years. I’ve given him a good fight, I gave it everything I had, but here I am, back in the hospital. I just don’t have anything else to give.”

“You’ve got me.” He turned his face to me. “You can’t die, Liam,” I said, not caring to hide the tears on my face. “You can’t. I need you too much.” I felt raw, broken. “I love you, Liam, so don’t you dare fucking die.”

Liam didn’t respond. He just looked at me for the longest time. My confession didn’t seem to surprise or upset him at all. I didn’t know what else to say. I knew we could beat Lou together, him and me, but he had to be willing to get back in the ring. He had to trust me.

“So, this is all just a plot to fill me with your genetic material?”

I choked out a sobbing laugh. “Yeah, that’s it.”

“Justin….”

“Please, Liam…. Please, just one more fight.”

He squeezed my hand. “Okay, Tina. I’ll do it for you.”

I sniffled. “Don’t call me Tina.”

I was ready to do the procedure that day, but the doctors had doctor reasons why they needed to delay. They felt Liam needed to build up some strength, which sounded stupid to me. But of course, I’m not a doctor.

I had to badger my mom into signing the release form. She didn’t like the idea at all. It took several doctors explaining the procedure to her and a tearful plea from Anna before she finally gave her consent.

Finally, the day came for me to report to the hospital to have my marrow sucked out. I wasn’t nervous. I wasn’t excited about it—I knew it was going to be a tough thing to do—but I was determined to kick Lou in the balls. My hatred for that son of a bitch was all the motivation I needed.

“You’ve got some mail,” my mom said as I came into the kitchen.

“Huh?”

I never get mail. I picked up the legal-sized envelope and examined it. Even then it took me a minute to recognize the name of the studio that I had sent Liam’s photo to. I’d forgotten all about it. Excited, I ripped it open and yanked out the letter.

“We are pleased to inform you of your first place ranking….”

I let out a whoop of delight and danced around the kitchen. My mom stared at me like I was insane. In that moment, I kind of was. It was so utterly perfect. It was exactly what I needed to get Liam motivated for the fight. He’d either be really excited at his win or he’d be utterly furious that I had entered his work without his permission. Either way, he would want to get out of that bed.

My mom dropped me off at the hospital. She wanted to stay, but she couldn’t get the time off. I told her not to worry about, that I’d be out for a while anyway. What I didn’t tell her (because it would make her head explode) was that my boyfriend had promised to come by and feed me ice cream afterwards.

Kanoa was really proud of me for doing this, which was another huge plus. What seemed to me to be a no-brainer was to others this really big gesture. I understood it was a serious kind of thing to do, but really, who wouldn’t do that for their best friend?

I rushed up to Liam’s room. I wanted him to see the letter before they sedated him for the procedure. He was going to be featured in a magazine. There was also a fat check that I knew his family could use.

I skittered to a halt at the entrance to his room, my huge grin fading from my face as my world shattered.

Anna was crumpled in Mike’s arms, sobbing and clutching to her husband. He held her and rocked her and mumbled nonsense words even as his own tears coursed down his face. I only saw that out of the corner of my eye, though. My attention was locked on the still form laying on the bed and the utter impossibility of the silence of the machines.

His hospital gown was askew like some nurse had tried to cover him after the paddles had failed to bring him back. Yes, there was a cart with paddles nearby. There were also various empty packets where sterile pads and needles had come from, all scattered around the floor, evidence of the final battle against Lou.

Liam was staring upwards, like he had fought to the very last to hold on, refusing to close his eyes on the world, refusing to give in. His face was utterly serene. He was beautiful.

And he was dead.

The world spun. I slumped against the doorway. There was no making sense of what I was seeing. There was no way this could be happening. We were winning. We were going to kick Lou in the balls and walk away laughing. We were going to share all of our dating stories. He was going to watch me take the trophy next year. He was going to get his own magazine feature. We were going to graduate together….

I stumbled away; delirious, unseeing, crushed. I don’t know how it happened, but I found myself on a bench outside. Maybe I was hoping the open air would help me breathe. It didn’t. I shook all over like a leaf caught in the wind. The image of Liam’s still face burned into my mind, shredding every pathetic attempt I made to deny what I’d lost.

My phone rang. Like some sort of puppet, I picked it up. It was reflex.

“Hey, babe,” Kanoa said. “Just wanted to wish you luck before they shoot you up with the happy drugs.”

“Liam’s dead.” Even saying it aloud didn’t help it make sense.

“Oh my God. Oh, baby…. Where are you?”

“On a bench.” I was so cold inside.

“At the hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be right there.”

“Okay.”

I knew how utterly stupid I sounded, like some kind of idiot child, but the shock had robbed me of the ability to think. I didn’t mind the shock, though. In fact, I clung to the shock because I was terrified of what was coming after it.

A terribly dark cloud loomed on the horizon. I didn’t think there would be anything left of me after that storm hit.

I don’t know how long it was before Kanoa got there. Time had no meaning. But when he sat beside me and brought me into his arms, the storm swept over me. I broke into a thousand pieces and cried like a lost, hurt child.

He rocked me and told me everything would be okay. But he was wrong. Liam was dead. Nothing would ever be okay ever again.

Chapter 22

L
IAM’S FUNERAL WAS BEAUTIFUL AND
terrible all at the same time. There were a lot of people in attendance—way more than I’d expected. Relatives, of course, filled a lot of the seats. But there were doctors and nurses from the hospital. There were also teachers and students from school.

I would not have been able to get through it if Kanoa had not been right there beside me, holding my hand through it all. He was a real hero, since he also had to comfort Aolani, who sat on the other side of him, gently sobbing.

My eyes were dry for the first time in days. I sat there, staring at the coffin as the service went on. Some stupid, crazy part of me kept hoping Liam would pop up and tell me it had all just been a really bad joke.

Of course, that didn’t happen.

Mike got up and talked about his son. Or he tried. He kept breaking down, like when he talked about Liam’s childhood fear that the Tooth Fairy would actually steal his teeth. And how he had liked to play Santa's elf in the hospital Christmas parties when he'd been a kid. Mike kept going, though. He wanted everyone to know how amazing Liam was. But anyone who knew him should have known that.

I wanted to get up there and tell them all about my friend, but I couldn’t. I knew that the moment I tried to speak, my throat would seize up and I'd collapse. I hoped Liam would forgive me for being such a wuss.

Afterwards, at the grave, I ignored the priest and his meaningless words about eternal life and God’s plan. I just stared at the casket. I kept my eyes on it as it was lowered into the ground. I watched as it was sealed into its concrete vault.

I couldn’t move. I know how dumb it was, but I just wanted to see him safely tucked in. So I sat there long after everyone else had left. Kanoa, sweet, wonderful Kanoa, told me he’d wait for me in the car. He already knew me well enough to know I needed time.

Was there enough time in the world to deal with this?

I got out of the way as the workmen cleared away the chairs and the flowers. I watched them pour the dirt into the grave. That was covered with a blanket of sod, so it matched all the others. Now it was just one of the hundreds in the cemetery, a spot people would step over to get to their own loved ones. Would anyone see his marker and wonder about the sixteen-year-old boy who had died?

“God damn it, Liam.”

My fingernails dug into my palms.

“How could you do this to me?” I breathed.

I wiped my eyes on my sleeve. Hurting and lost, I stared at the ground. For days I’d been trying to come to terms with Liam’s death. I’d given up raging about unfairness, because Liam would have been the first to tell me that life isn’t fair. Even the fury at Lou for taking him away hadn’t lasted long.

Now I was struggling towards acceptance. Every time I came out of practice, I looked for him. Every English class, I stared over at his empty desk. I knew I needed to get over it, but I just had no idea how. The world without him didn’t make sense.

I took a joint out of my pocket. I’d swiped it from his room when I’d gone over to help Anna and Mike pack things up. They were moving, going someplace that didn’t remind them of Liam every day.

I lit the joint and sucked in the fumes and choked. “Shit, you really liked these things?” I asked him, not caring that I looked insane talking to myself.

I shook my head. “I got a letter from someone at the studio. They wanted to feature your photos in some sort of youth art gallery thing. When I told them about … what happened, they still wanted to go ahead. I put them in touch with your folks.”

I took a second hit on the joint. I didn’t like it any better on the second try.

“Your parents are going to use the prize money to pay down some debts and start over, so it looks like you helped them after all.”

My throat was raw and scratchy. It had been for days. Convulsive crying had that effect on me.

 “Kanoa came out to his parents. They’re coping, though his grandmother is hoping it’s a phase. Kind of like my dad, who thinks I’m not really gay, I’m just saying that to act out. Yeah, I told him to go to hell. You’d have been proud.”

I’d hoped trying to talk to him like normal would help. It didn’t. It just made his absence even more real.

I looked skyward, feeling the tears burning down my face. “Aw, shit, look at me, Liam. I’m here talking to a bunch of dirt. You see what you’ve reduced me to?”

I looked down at the bronze plaque with his name on it. “Brave and beloved son,” I murmured. “That hardly covers it.” I wiped my eyes again and pinched off the joint. “You were the most amazing, most incredible guy I’ve ever met. You changed my life. You changed
me.
”