Fearless (2 page)

My mom fucking lied to me too.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I pounded my fist on the cold slab of granite that was the bar’s surface. Niki’s face reacted and I could see she was alarmed. I didn’t want her to see the hurt in my eyes.

I turned away from her, in shame, and closed my eyes, gripping the edge of the bar top at my back. My mind reeled with questions, torqueing like a tornado, trying to restructure every perception I had of my family. My construct of reality was falling apart; pieces that seemed solid and concrete were melting away at an alarming rate. Everything that I thought was genuine and real was churning into a dark, black mush. I wanted to scream. I fucking wanted to rage, break things and throw shit at the walls.

“Jesse, what is it?”

I didn’t want to scare Niki with a tirade. She was like an angel to me. She could make a sinner change his ways. Whenever I looked in her eyes, all of my pain eased. It was a mystery to me why Niki had this effect on me when no other girl ever had, but the effect was extraordinary and wonderful every time I got close to her. And right now, I was struggling. I needed her energy to ground me.

I turned back to face her. “Did you hear what the nurse said?”

“Only that you’re a match to Kenny, but that’s great news…so why do you look like someone just died? What it is, baby?” She took my hand in hers, leaning across the bar on her elbows.

I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be happy, or angry, or both. And how was I supposed to open the bar in ten minutes when a monumental bombshell had just been dropped on me? It changed everything. My heart began to pound again. I took a deep breath and looked into her eyes for strength.

“You are not going to believe this. It’s fucking crazy, Niki. The nurse said that Kenny is not my uncle.”

She looked puzzled and cocked her head to one side. “What do you mean? If you’re a match, he has to be your uncle.”

“He’s my fucking
dad
.” The words came out sharply, with a puff of air. I willed my pulse to stop racing. It didn’t. Though it was hard news to swallow, no one could argue with damn scientific tests.

Niki’s eyes widened and she jolted upright. “Kenny…is your dad?” she stammered. “That’s impossible. Are you sure?”

“Straight up. That’s what the nurse said. And these DNA tests are a hundred percent accurate. I don’t see any way for it not to be true. This is so fucked up.”

“Shit, that
is
…sorry, fucked up. And I thought my family was a mess. What’re you going to do?”

“I don’t know. If Kenny has known all along that I’m his son… God! This is just one big cluster fuck!” I ran both my hands through my hair and clenched my fists. The agitation was rising again and
I needed to get my mind off all of this before I freaked out completely. I picked up some dirty glasses and started filling the dishwasher.

“Let me help you,” Niki said. She moved around behind the bar and worked next to me, rinsing glasses, letting a blue silence cool the air.

Niki was like a balm for my aching soul, standing next to me. Her long dark hair swished around her shoulders, each movement releasing a soft delicate scent that wafted to my nostrils. It made me want to touch her and feel her in my arms.

“Thanks, baby. I seriously don’t know what I would’ve done if you weren’t here for me.” I placed my hands on her hips, looked straight in her beautiful green eyes and softly kissed her forehead. It was working. I closed my eyes and breathed her in, breathed in the serenity she provided me with.

Niki snaked her arms around my neck, holding them out so her wet hands wouldn’t drip on my back. “Baby, I’m here for you. Just take deep breaths and calm down. Things will work out.”

 
She pressed her sweet lips to mine and made the world settle back on its axis. My muscles relaxed and the impending rage dwindled.

Turning back to her task, Niki closed the dishwasher and wiped her hands on a bar rag. “You know, Jesse, maybe Kenny never knew about you being his son.” She stood with one hand on her hip and the white rag in the other as she talked. “Or if he did know, maybe there was a reason why he kept it quiet. Maybe he was protecting you and protecting your mom’s reputation by not telling. Think about it, Jesse. What would that say about your mom…you know… if he told everybody?”

Her words impressed me. I could see why her dad wanted her to be a lawyer. She had an analytical mind for it and the ability to twist things around to fit the opposing argument. She could be right about Kenny; I wanted her to be right, but my emotions still had my head in turmoil and my thoughts tumbling towards disbelief. I was on an emotional roller coaster. One moment my thoughts triggered anger and betrayal, prepared to rip through me, then they would subside as I talked it out with Niki, only to be replaced again by another powerful surge of anger. The shock of it all was still fresh for me and it left me feeling disoriented.

I was silent for a moment. “Maybe you are right. He should be here later today. I just hope he’ll finally tell me the truth and not lie to me again.”

“Go easy on him, Jess. Remember, he’s battling cancer and he’s very vulnerable right now. He has a lot to handle.” She stroked my upper arm with her petite hand. I looked down into her eyes and felt her compassion.

A clattering commotion jerked both of our heads towards the rear of the bar as Chase burst in, out of breath. “Dude! I know, I know, I’m late, shit…I overslept, big time.” He practically fell into the work station behind the bar.

“No kidding, asshole. “ I grabbed the white bar rag from Niki and dried my hands. I knew he was stretched thin, working two jobs. I gave him a crooked smile to take the bite out of my words.

“Sorry, man. My bad. It won’t happen again.” I tossed the towel at him and he continued, “Hey, Niki. What are you doing here? Don’t you have a class to go to?”

“Yeah, well, I came to help…”

“And a good thing she did…Somebody had to pick up your slack.” I nudged his shoulder in jest. “Hey, cover the place for us, will you? We’re going out.” I scooped up Niki’s purse and handed it to her. She stared at me like she anticipated I would spill the entire story to Chase on the spot. She didn’t move and just stood there, holding her purse clutched against her chest.

“Where are we going?” She blinked. I took her purse and slung the strap up over her shoulder.

“What’s wrong, Jess?” Chase asked. I took Niki’s hand and started for the door. “You seem a little grouchy. Is it your time of the month?” he chuckled trying to make light of my bad mood.

I froze in my tracks and clenched my jaw. Niki pulled up short, still attached to my hand.

“Hey, hey, sorry, man. I was just kidding. Bad time for a joke, I see.”

“Tell you about it later, Chase.” I turned back to Chase and when I saw the look on his face I felt like an ass for being so short with him. “I need to get the hell out of here right now. Too much shit’s been going down.”

 I whirled around on my heels and shoved the front door open with Niki in tow, bobbing along to keep up with me as I stormed out the door.

Chapter 2

Niki

“Jesse, babe, slow down,” I pleaded as Jesse yanked me along the sidewalk. His tense grip on my hand squeezed until it was red. He blew out a breath and clipped his pace to a more normal beat.

“Sorry.”

I stole a glance at his face, which was sullen. Jesse shoved his hand through his unruly long locks of hair. Even in his black work polo, with the ‘Rookies’ logo, he was irresistible. The move uncovered the ‘Carpe Diem’ tattoo, which twitched on his bicep, as if it were as pissed as he was.

We walked on in silence and I peered up into his face every couple of seconds, trying to gauge his anger. It didn’t take a detective to figure out he was mad as hell. He’d been royally screwed over and lied to by his uncle. Things just kept going downhill as the day wore on. I didn’t like this side of Jesse. His anger made my stomach constrict. My body always reacted that way to tension and anger; if there was a lot of hostility in a room, my body could read it like a Geiger counter.

 Jesse stopped in front of the first sidewalk café we came across. “This’ll do.” He pressed the small of my back and guided me to the outdoor seating area. We slipped into our seats, at a small table for two under a white canvas umbrella, on the sidewalk patio. The waitress delivered two glasses of water. The entire scenario played out in near silence. I picked at some invisible lint on my sundress as I watched Jesse peruse the menu. Is he quiet because he’s angry or bored with me?

I couldn’t bear it any longer. “I can’t believe you are taking this so calmly. I would be freaking out.”

“Lately, Niki, I’ve been fucked around a lot, and when you get fucked in the ass several times…well…”

“Oh-kay, that’s a little graphic but I get it. Baby, I admire you for being stoic, covering your hurt, but you need to open up about it. This is what happens every time you face a problem, you get angry, push it down,
drink
it down, then all those emotions come back later to haunt you. You blow up, punch out whoever, just to be in a fight and let all your anger out on some poor bastard.”

Jesse shifted in his chair and laid the menu down. “I know, Niki. I can’t stand this shit. It’s tearing me apart. Why can’t I be like you? You’re so level headed. That’s why I need you, baby. You keep me on an even keel; you’re my voice of reason.”

Jesse strategically took the chair to the side of me, not across the table. He managed to close the little space left between us, so close that he could touch me and get his hands on me under the table. I felt the warm hue of red fill my cheeks as he leaned close and stroked a lock of my hair.

His hand found mine and he pressed his lips against it. I kept my eyes trained on him as he feathered kisses on the back of it. His free hand slipped under the table and traced across my lap, sliding up under my loose sundress, landing on my thigh with a squeeze. “Stop looking at me like I’m naked,” I said.

He was silent but his eyes spoke volumes. He raised one eyebrow. My gaze dipped to his tattoo on his arm, his work shirt stretched and strained at the edge of the short sleeve. I tilted my head into his. He gave a soft kiss on my lips, sucking my lower lip in his mouth, pulsing squeezes on my upper thigh under the table.

“Want to be a nasty girl, Niki?” He tugged my lower lip between his teeth. “You know you want to…the way you’re looking at me…” He whispered in a low husky voice.

I whimpered a slight moan, lips parted, struggling to maintain some semblance of composure in public. It took every ounce of resistance in me to keep from releasing into him. With laughter dancing in his eyes, he pulled back and left me with my head tipped back, breathless. I straightened up in my chair and cleared my throat.

“Stop it, Jesse. People will see...” I forced my voice to sound even.

He grinned watching me squirm and teased again. “See what? That I can’t keep my hands off of you, that I’m crazy about you. What’s wrong with that, baby? I want to show you off. Show everyone how I feel about you.” I reluctantly pulled my awareness back to the present moment. I cleared my throat and wiped my lips with the back of my hand, peering around the small sidewalk café, cognizant of other people’s stares and completely flustered.

I smiled and dipped my head down, entirely aware of his seduction in public. I wrapped my fingers around his and took a sip of water, hoping somehow a glass of Evian would keep the fire inside me at bay until we could be alone. I straightened my dress collar, though my sundress didn’t even have one, and licked my lips.

“Focus, Jesse.” This guy had me wrapped around his little finger. “Back to the issue at hand…your uncle. What are you going to do about this whole insane mess?”

His expression sobered and his dark eyebrows slanted in a frown. “God, I don’t know. Go drink myself blind, then find some unlucky sucker who looks at me the wrong way and beat him down…” He waved a sarcastic hand in the air.

“You’re scary when you’re pissed,” I muttered. At least it was a good sign that he was poking fun at his own behavior.

His mouth twisted wryly. “Just kidding, Niki. Don’t worry. I’m trying to find better ways to handle my anger. Remember?”

I wasn’t a hundred percent convinced of his new found objectivity, though. I pursed my lips and waited for him to continue.

“I’ll talk to him.” He leaned his elbows on the table. ‘I just hope he’s up front with me.”

“I hope so too.”

A flicker of apprehension coursed through my body and I raked my teeth across my lower lip. “I mean…well, there’s something I have to ask. I’m just going to be honest with you Jesse and lay my cards on the table. I don’t have the greatest history with men in my life. The most important ones have a way of abandoning me and …suppose you don’t get this sorted with Kenny. Then what?”

I looked down, wringing my hands in my lap. It seemed like every time I turned around, men were controlling my life. I didn’t have a mother and I didn’t have a sister to go to for advice. All I had for female support was Kat, to help give me perspective on things; being the good friend that she was, she was solid. But sometimes, in my life, it just felt like I was unnecessary and insignificant, like I was used then brushed aside, like crumbs on the dinner table after the meal is over. I hoped and prayed that this relationship with Jesse didn’t go badly, because I was looking at the dark cloud.

I took a breath and mustered my courage. “Are you going to skip town and leave like everybody else? Head back to New York? I need to know, where do I stand in all of this?”

“Are you fucking crazy? No way. I’m not leaving you, Niki. This is not about me leaving
at all
. This is about Kenny. He has some things to explain and, depending on what his answers are, it’ll determine my future relationship with
him
. This has nothing to do with us. I have to know if Kenny is a coward or a hero. Like you said, Niki, did he lie to protect me and my mom or did he do it to protect himself? How much does he know? Obviously he knows something, but why lie? I need to figure that out. Whatever it is, the answer makes a
world
of difference.” Disconcerted, he crossed his arms and pointedly looked away. I let the silence hang in the air between us. After a moment, he leaned close and took my hand again.