Feel (18 page)

I don’t wait on a response as I turn to leave.  I never hesitated to beat the hell out of every male asshole who hurt Saige.  I’ve never hit a woman, and I never would, but I taught Saige how to hold her own.  It killed me watching how she was treated.  Girls can be ruthless, and, after seeing how Chelsea and the others tormented Saige for years, I was so damn proud of her when she kicked their asses after they attacked her in the locker room.  Sometimes it takes knocking the living shit out of a bully before they finally leave you alone.  It shouldn’t be that way, but I don’t get to choose how assholes act, and, if they don’t listen to reason, it’s their own fault when they’re picking themselves off the ground. 

  I’m still fuming as I round the corner and see Saige leaning against the wall.  “I forgot my key in the room when we checked in,” she states, trying to act like she didn’t hear Chelsea’s bitchy remarks.

I can tell by the familiar hooded sadness in her eyes she heard everything Chelsea said. 
Dammit!
  “You know what she said isn’t true,” I stress, hoping the force behind my tone will make her believe the truth.

“It’s okay, Jensen.  It’s not like I haven’t heard it all before.  I don’t let it affect me like it used to.  I’m fine.”

She’s not.  She’s know that as much as I do.  Kissing her forehead, I pull her into my arms before taking the bags.  “You want to go beat the hell out of her again?” I crack, trying to make Saige smile. 

  It works.  Those full lips curve.  “Nah, it’s not worth it and she’d never say it to my face again anyway.”  Saige’s lip tilts and she studies me, “Thank you for what you said.  I know being with me has never been easy.”

“See, pretty girl, that’s where you’re wrong.  Being with you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done.  There’s no bullshit, no having to worry what’s on your mind.  You’re open, honest, have the most amazing, kind heart, and you’re freakin’ beautiful.”  I give her a wink, “Not to mention, you’re a great bodyguard with that wicked right hook of yours.” 

“Ah, so you hang around me for the protection, then?”

“Absolutely.”

Saige playfully shoves me, and her laughter echoes down the hallway, easing my heart. 

Easy. 

Complicated. 

She’s full of contradictions and I love every last fucking one.

I chose a room with only one bed for a few reasons, the main one being how I need Saige in my arms tonight.  Despite my outward emotions, I’m not dealing with losing my family well.  Her being close enough to touch takes away some of that hurt.  I lie on the bed, waiting for Saige as she takes a shower.  I want to be in that shower, making love to her.  I want to forget everything else for a while and I know making love with Saige will make everything disappear, but she deserves better than being a distraction.  Of course she’s a helluva lot more than that to me, but I can’t risk her seeing it only as that. 

“It’s like a sauna in there.”  Saige wraps the towel around her hair, squeezing the water out of her wet waves when she steps out of the bathroom.  She looks younger without make-up and just as beautiful.  I can see her lips being sucked between her teeth and I know she’s contemplating something.

“What’s wrong, Saige?” I ask, putting an ease to her wondering whether or not to ask what’s in that pretty head of hers. 

“How are you?  I mean – really – how are you doing with all of …this?”

I could lie to her, but she’d see through it, so I tell her the truth.  “I don’t have a clue of how to handle this, of how to process everything I’m feeling.”  Shaking my head, I look at her in bewilderment, “I don’t know how the hell you do it, Saige.  How can you separate what you’re feeling, much less what everyone else feels?”

Her eyes soften as she sits on the bed next to me, “I just do what you taught me.  I think of what makes me the happiest and close my eyes, letting that feeling surround me.  Then, I take the foreign emotions and focus on them one at a time until they’re pushed to the background.”  She slides her fingers around mine, “It gets easier, and quicker, even though it doesn’t feel like it will.  I promise.  You taught me that, too.”

“It sounds like I’m pretty good at teaching you things,” I tease despite the sadness holding on to me as I poke my finger against her towel covered ribs.

“Yep.  You’re also an excellent ‘happiest thought’.” Saige returns my earlier wink before crossing the room to blow dry her hair.

An hour later, we’re seated in Saige’s and my favorite restaurant, a local mom and pops place that is always packed.  Andy scours the menu, but we have it memorized.  Thoughts of making arrangements for my family stabs me to the point of being numb. 

Darrin’s large frame fills the door and I throw my hand up, happy and relieved to see him and the rest of the crew filing in behind him. 

Saige glances up and then looks at me with round eyes.

“It’s alright, they make look like they can break you in half but they wouldn’t hurt anyone – well, not unless it’s called for.”

“I know,” she grins, “and I also know you don’t have to worry about their loyalty to you.”

I already knew that, but it’s always good to hear it reaffirmed. 

Darrin towers over me with his 6’ 6” frame of nothing but lean muscle.  I’ve taken on some big bad asses in my time, always coming out the winner despite some bruises and lacerations, but I have a feeling Darrin would kick my ass in a fight, especially with his military training.  Bypassing the typical guy hug, he jerks me in for an embrace that nearly cracks my spine before letting me go.  “Sorry, man,” he states, gripping my shoulder.  “We’ll find this bastard, Rider.  We won’t stop until we do.”

Axe, covered in his typical leather bike gear that he wears even when he’s not on his bike and every inch of his exposed skin south of his chin covered in tattoos of mostly bones, flames, and naked women, skips the hug, clicking his chin towards me instead, “We already stopped by Griffin’s house, and Josie, Stephen, and Sam have a read.”

My head snaps towards Darrin’s girlfriend, who is currently leaning against his chest with his arms wrapped around her waist.  He makes my frame look small, but he dwarfs hers.  I quickly introduce Darrin, Axe, Josie, Stephen, James, and Samantha to Saige, pulling her into my arms as I turn back towards Josie, “What’ve you got for me, Jos?”

“He’s already gone.  Your father was right about him planning something big, but he’s working alone.  The narcissistic prick has trust issues.  He’s on the road, heading east.  I can’t tell where he’s heading yet but I have a decent connection to him.”

“He’s not here?” I repeat, relief and frustration mixing in with my already toxic pile of ambivalence. 

Josie shakes her head, squeezing my arm. 

Saige is quiet as everyone takes their seats for dinner.  Her eyes softly study my friends, but I don’t see any jealousy this time, like with Amira, just curiosity and what looks like gratitude.  She’s happy I had people in my life who love me.  That makes me feel just as much like shit as it does blessed.  I know I’m a lucky bastard to have her love me like that, especially with her not having anyone like that in her life, other than me.

  “Do you mind my asking what you can do?” she asks Josie shyly, surprising me; she’s rarely shy.

“James, who is Andy’s cousin, can manipulate objects, making them move or disappear,” Josie states before pointing at Samantha.  “Sam can find things better than a drug hound, Stephen is the best damn seer I’ve met – even better than me,” she winks and punches Stephen’s arm.

  “Seer?” Saige questions.

“I can see an event in the future by touching something related to whatever is going to happen or what the object will be used for,” Stephen explains.

Josie pokes her elbow into Darrin’s ribs and he laughs, having to lean down to brush a kiss against her head.  “My man here has no psychic abilities but he knows more about all of them than any of us combined.”

“Or, he thinks he does anyway,” Andy cracks, throwing a napkin at Darrin.

Darrin crumbles the napkin and sends it spiraling into Andy’s nose, “I won’t call myself an expert until I can find someone with the ability to lock his mouth shut permanently.  Then, I’ll proudly make that claim.”

Laughter erupts around the table and I sit back looking at this eclectic group, my only family now.  I’m lucky to have them and I have no doubts they will consider Saige part of the family in no time, which she needs more than she’ll ever admit to me.

Saige looks at Axe and he shrugs, “I’m like your man and Darrin here; I have no special abilities.  I’m just along for moral support.”

“Axe works with Andy, Darrin, and me at Reckless on Rails,” I clarify, and Saige smiles at the entire group.

“Hanging around this bunch has had its interesting moments, especially when they get all cute and decide to play with their powers, or use them to screw with your head,” Darrin laughs, pointing at Josie and nodding towards the others. 

“You play with your abilities?”  Saige’s eyebrow raises, like the concept has never occurred to her.

“Messing with people is the best part of having the gift, girl,” James laughs.

“I’ve used mine to my advantage ever since I figured out what I can do,” Andy states.  “I totally killed at hide-n-seek growing up.”

“I always had you pegged as a cheater,” Samantha cracks.

“Hey, you got the talent, use it, baby,” Andy grins.  “When I was older I used it with my hands and other parts” – Andy wiggles his brow – “and in several lovely hotties in high school.  With being able to know where their parents were, I didn’t get my ass kicked by a large, pissed off dad for banging his daughter.”

“Pervert,” Josie wrinkles her nose, sticking her tongue out at Andy.  She turns her attention back to Saige, “What’s your gift?”

I feel Saige stiffen against my arm, caught off guard by Josie’s question.  “How did you know I have one?”

“You hang around people who do long enough, honey, you can pick out the gifted ones as soon as you walk into a room.”

My hand runs soothingly across Saige’s lower back when I feel her cringe, shifting uncomfortably in her chair.  “I feel what everyone around me feels and, sometimes, I can see tragedies before they happen,” she pauses before softly adding, “and I can sense death.”

The table is completely silent as twelve eyes shift to me.

Axe shakes his head, “Damn.”

Everyone here knows that there’s not one amusing thing about what Saige can do.  They all have had the opportunity to enjoy their gifts.  Saige’s hurts her. 

Darrin leans close to me, lowering his voice so only I can hear, “Did she sense your family’s passing, Rider?”

Gritting my teeth, I give a sharp nod, “She sensed it and experienced most of it, nearly dying with them while being hours away.  Griffin held her in the vision somehow, making what was happening physical to her.”

Darrin’s eyes lock on Saige.  “She sensed their deaths, almost died, then, had to tell you?”

Another sharp, pained nod.

“Damn.”

Saige

Leaves lay peacefully on the road, scattered in blazing hues of gold, orange, and red.  I watch in silence how they dance in the air, swirling around the car like being forced to move is the best thing in the world.  That’s one thing I love about this town; it’s beautiful.  Jensen and I met here.  Our field.  Two more things I love.  Those are the only memories keeping me tied to the town of my birth and first sixteen years of life.  I have nothing against the place itself; it’s a great town.  But I will never be able to call it home because it never was. 

Jensen was. 

He is again.

Just with the thought of him, my hand is pulled towards his, and he immediately tangles his fingers up in mine.  “You know you don’t have to do this, Saige.  I’ll be alright.  I wish you would stop being stubborn and stay at the cabin.  It’s going to be hell for you at the visitation in a room full of grieving people.”

  “I can handle it,” I insist, giving a reassuring smile.  He should be focusing on himself right now, not trying to make me feel comfortable, like he did by checking us out of the hotel and renting a cabin a few nights ago.  He said it was easier and all of us can stay together but I know he did it so I didn’t have to see Chelsea again.

“Fine, I’ll back off but only if you promise to leave if it becomes too much.”  Jensen’s worried green eyes search me, waiting for my confirmation. 

I give a soft nod, but only to ease his mind at the moment.  There’s not a chance I’m leaving him alone to stand up there beside the three coffins holding his family.  I saw the agony in his eyes yesterday when he picked out the final resting places for his father, mother, and Jackson.  I could tell it was all he could do not to break down when he chose his brother’s.  He will not be alone.  I will be right next to him; I don’t give a damn what it does to me.

  Jensen’s been quiet the past couple of days.  I know identifying the remains, then seeing his father’s face on the video he made a little over a year after Jensen left is hard to process.  I’m grateful Jackson made sure I knew about the lockbox so Jensen could hear his father saying the words he always wanted to hear growing up.  I remember Jensen playing superheroes, making up all sorts of different powers he had.  Although I was young, I knew how much Jensen wanted to please his father.  I just didn’t know why.  A part of him died when he stopped trying.  I guess he figured he would never hear the words he heard his father finally say.  That bittersweet ache in my chest reappears when I think of Jensen’s expression when his father told him in the recording how proud he was to have him as a son. 

It nearly killed me when Jensen tried so hard to hold back the tears, even when mine were soaking my face.  I pulled him into my arms, comforting him this time as he cried.  He’s always been so strong, and I felt that strength even then, despite his brokenness, when he found out his mother was in the coma by her own hand.  Jensen never knew of his mother’s psychic abilities or how much she despised them.  It broke my heart seeing the sorrow in his eyes as he watched his father telling him how he met his mother while working in a private sector of the government, finding and training people with paranormal talents.  His mother never wanted to be different or have the power to read people’s pasts and see their future.  Maybe if she could have only seen how Jensen turned out, the wonderful man he turned into, she wouldn’t have overdosed.  From what I saw on the video, Jackson and their father were good men, too.  They just weren’t good at showing it. 

I slip my hand inside my bag, running my fingers over Jensen’s father’s journals.  Hesitant doesn’t even come close to how scared I was of asking if Jensen minded if I read his father’s training techniques he used to help people strengthen their abilities, and I was beyond surprised when he didn’t object.  Right now, his eyes are staring straight ahead, seeing nothing but the road.  Glancing in the rearview mirror, I smile when I see Josie practically sitting on Darrin’s lap.  They contrast beautifully with his toned mahogany skin and her smooth pale complexion.  They are stunning together, but it goes beyond their physical looks; they seem to complete each other. 

“Sam is sure it’s clear?” Jensen asks, never taking his eyes off the road. 

“The funeral home’s clean.  Griffin hasn’t returned.  The coward’s still on the road.  Josie and Stephen are staying on top of keeping the best tabs on him that they can, but he’s not taking a rational path, crisscrossing across states for no apparent reason,” Darrin’s words are edged with frustration.

“It’s like he knows we’re tailing him,” Josie shakes her head, “but I don’t know how.”

“He can feel when you’re there.  Subconsciously there, anyway,” I tell them, trying to shake the shivers from my spine at how he felt my aura and held me captive.  “Everything with him feels different than anything I’ve felt before.”

“What do you mean by ‘different’?” Darrin inquires, leaning in between the space of the seats so he can see me better. 

“Darker, stronger – consuming.”  I shrug, not wanting to think about Griffin, but knowing I won’t be able to stop thinking about him until he’s in jail.  “Even my abilities are stronger when it comes to him.  I was never able to have a vision while awake until him.  All my visions came from dreams, but, when I felt him at the college, I saw what he was going to do the next day when I was wide awake in the middle of the quad.”

“In your visions, you’ve felt pain before, right?” Darrin asks me, gently squeezing my hand when my gaze drops to my fingers.

“Yeah, but there was this sense of separation.  It was real, but not…I know that doesn’t make any sense.”  I shake my head with frustration, not knowing how to explain any of this.  I don’t even understand it fully.

“It was real with Griffin, though,” Darrin says, more like a statement than a question.  His other hand lands on Jensen’s shoulder, “With Jensen’s family, you were physically suffocating, not just feeling what they were feeling in the vision.”

Jensen’s jaw twitches, and there’s a sharp tug on my heart when I see his grip tighten on the steering wheel.  Nodding, I glance at Darrin, “Yeah, it was real.”

“I’ve been researching how that can be possible, but nothing I can find shows this kind of extra sensory ability.”  His hand squeezes mine reassuringly, “But, don’t worry.  We’ll stop him.”

The van slows and my chest constricts.  Swallowing the lump trying to clog my throat, I absently smooth my black skirt, focusing on my emotions, trying to pull them as close as possible so I can hold myself together for Jensen.  Afflicted green eyes are searching me when I look back up. 

“I swear I won’t think anything even remotely bad of you if you go back to the cabin, Saige.”  Jensen’s voice is raw, and all I want to do is hold him, figure out some way to shelter him from all of this, especially with him trying to protect me from it. 

“I belong with you,” I state simply, opening the door and sliding out into the cool wind.  It’s only 7:00 p.m., but the sky is already dark gray.  I welcome the chill in the air; it helps disguise the real reason for my body’s trembling.

Jensen meets me at the front of the van, wrapping his arm around my shoulders as he pulls me into him.  His warmth is comforting.  I hope mine is to him. 

The funeral home is welcoming with its soft lighting and colorful landscaping outside, which always screwed with my head when I was younger.  Death and comfort have never played nicely together, at least not with the deaths I’ve sensed.  Grief, curiosity, anger, and fear swirl around me, seeping inside, as we step inside the door.  We’re a little early, so only a few people are here who Jensen introduces as neighbors.  The expected condolences are given as hands are shaken and hugs are dished out.  It’s interesting watching the reactions on the people’s faces while experiencing what they actually feel inside.  The neighbors are truly sympathetic, but they’re also scared, especially the next door neighbor…well, his wife is.  The husband seems angry more than anything, but he hides it well as he offers his sympathy to Jensen. 

Jensen’s back has been to the coffins, greeting his neighbors at the door of the lobby.  Now, as he turns around, I wish to God I could take his pain for him.  He also hides his feelings well, and although I can’t feel them, I do.  I know that he’s doing a bang-up job at disguising his sorrow as his stoic stride leads me to his family whom I never met.  Not once.  Looking back, I don’t even know how in the hell that’s possible with Jensen and me being practically inseparable.  The first time I saw them was the day they died.  The visitation is closed casket because of the damage suffered.  I wish Jensen didn’t have to see what we saw when he identified their bodies.  Their images are burned into my mind every time I close my eyes.  I can’t imagine how much worse it is for him.

Jensen has only met my parents a few times.  Those were enough.  I guess we didn’t pay much attention before because we had each other.  That, and the fact that my parents never wanted to be near me, anyway. 

Josie wraps her arms around Jensen, giving him a hug and an encouraging smile before slipping her petite body back into Darrin’s embrace.  Even at a funeral, she looks amazing.  Her cropped, dicey almost white blonde hair frames her delicate features, making her blue eyes seem even a brighter blue.  I would be pathetically jealous of her if I couldn’t feel her love for Darrin radiating in waves.  I don’t know if that’s why I like her so much, but I find myself enjoying spending time with her.  I’ve never had a girlfriend before.  I’ve never had a friend before Jensen.  Not for long anyway.  My abilities seemed to scare the shit out of anyone who was around me for long. 

“We’ll be over there if you need us,” Josie states, giving me a pointed look.  “If you need a break, just let me know.”

My smile is genuinely appreciative as I nod.

It doesn’t take long before a crowd begins to arrive.  Andy and Axe bypass the line circling around the pews that is filled from as far outside the lobby doors as I can see, all the way to Jensen and the three coffins I’m having trouble looking at, as they file through. 

“I think the whole town is here.” Andy nods towards the door, “There isn’t a parking space available and there are people lined up outside.”  He studies Jensen quickly, and I feel his empathy.  Another indecipherable man-look passes between them and Andy steps next to me, bumping my shoulder.  “I’m going to hang out next to you, princess.  There are some fine-ass women in this line that I want to meet,” he whispers, grinning. 

My fingers tighten around Jensen’s hand, silently thanking him for having Andy glue himself to me so I can focus on his feelings, which are a helluva lot more bearable than the dispiriting ones bleeding my energy from everyone else.  Other than Andy, the only break in the grief is when the kids come through.  They don’t understand what’s going on and are mostly happy.  A few are cranky, but I’ll take that over despair any day. 

Jensen has greeted well over a hundred people, holding himself together impeccably.  I don’t know where he finds the strength; I’m barely hanging on here. 

My head is pounding from how hard I’ve forced myself to focus on Andy, who looks as exhausted as I feel from his attention zeroing in on anything that will distract me from the emotional drain.  Unfortunately, his attention span is like that of a horny college frat boy with a buffet of naked co-eds.  I need a damn shower.

A few girls from high school who always had their claws ready to impale in Jensen make their way through the line, verbally offering their condolences while silently hating me and smooshing their revealing bodies against Jensen’s for way too many seconds too long.  The humor I feel behind that is shared by Andy, lessening my guilt for getting tickled over their wildly inappropriate choice of location to flirt.  Poor Jensen.  He has enough shit to deal with. 

The line is finally thinning out when a shot of trepidation hits me and my throat goes bone dry.  “Distract Jensen,” I quietly mutter in Andy’s ear. 

“What?” he whispers back, a little too loudly, and I elbow his ribs. 

“Keep Jensen distracted for a few minutes.  Tell him I had to go to the restroom.”

“How am I supposed to distract him?” he grumbles, rubbing his sore side.

“Use your mouth.  That can distract anyone,” I rush, slipping away as Jensen is being pulled into the arms of someone’s grandmother who looks like she’s at least ninety-nine. 

My chest tightens painfully as I practically sprint towards the lobby.  A thin sheen of sweat dampens the back of my neck and my stomach churns.  I don’t have the energy to deal with fending off the animosity of my parents.  I haven’t seen or heard from them in four years.  They made it clear I was nothing to them.  Fear joins in the circus from hell spinning my emotions on its merry-go-round, and I cringe at my cowardice.  I don’t have to be looking anywhere near my mother to know the second she sees me; her viral contempt is clue enough when it slams into my gut. 

Her perfectly painted lips whisper into my father’s ear.  I brace myself for his disgust when he turns towards me.  He doesn’t disappoint, giving me an extra strong dose, his body going rigid just from the sight of his pathetic daughter.  I tried to please them for so long, fought so damn hard to rid myself of the emotions that ravaged me growing up, but I was only a child.  I was frightened as hell and just as confused, not knowing how to deal with what was going on inside of me.  The way they handled my ‘episodes’ was less than scantly comforting.  Their idea of helping me was by threatening to send me away or lock me up.  I guess they got tired of only threatening.